This is getting difficult.
Not blogging, just everything in general dealing with technology.
I haven't written lately cos I've been working on a story that is getting exceedingly difficult to write in many ways. I know where I want to take it but for some reason I'm struggling to get there.
Worse yet, this piece of crap computer I am using has just broken - again. Now the screen doesn't stay in one place, it just swings forwards or backwards on it's hinges.
It's been doing that a little for a while but usually I manage to get it to stay in one place for a while, just moving around drastically (such as picking up or setting down) the laptop would make the screen either flop forward or fall backwards.
Now, however, it doesn't stay at all. I'm trying a trick with some medical tape (have no duct tape, or any other kind of tape really) and superglue to see if I can get the screen to stay in one place, but so far it's looking like it won't work. I don't know what to do. The screen is literally being held in place now by a can of peaches and a pile of books. -sighs-
So yeah, if I poof for a while it's because I basically have no laptop any more that can be easily used. I'll try to do posting by email but my phone is a pain and a half to try freaking communicating on via text. Plus despite progress on my room (All that needs done is the covers for the outlets, the ceiling fan, the toilet, the mirror, the tiling around the tub (80% done), and the sink part of the vanity.) it'll probably just be me being all grr anyways and no one wants to listen to that.
So yeah, ttyl.
Tuesday, 16 July 2013
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Because a post from me is slightly overdue.
I have no idea what to say but this blog is becoming slightly unbalanced in terms of mine and Mistress' posts and that isn't fair so here we go.
If my life were to have one running theme it would be that there's always something wrong but it's never quite enough to deserve any help. I could be a little autistic, I could have mild cerebral palsy, I could be slightly dyslexic, I have some leg problems, I might be depressed, I have a possible phobia. etc. etc.
Looking at each thing one at a time they wouldn't cause me much of a problem, which is of course what the doctors do. But they all add up and they're making things very difficult for me. Right now my main focus is the phobia I mentioned. One of the biggest problems with it is that it's a needle phobia, very very very common and very often blown out of proportion by countless people. I can't tell you how many times I've had to hear people talk about their "phobia" how they "can't look" and sometimes they have to "hold someone's hand". The last time I had to have an injection? I was in school and waited until the nurses were distracted, ran off and hid in a mostly abandoned toilet block crying for a few hours until I was found, taken to a special room, left to cry in there for a while until everyone else was done and they then spent an hour trying to convince me to even sit down in a chair next to a nurse.
You might think a reaction like that would suggest I deserved some help. I certainly do.
Now, I'm trying very hard not to be negative about this, but after almost a year of pushing, this is all I've managed to get. I was offered access to an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) course in order to try to make some progress. Keeping in mind I sought help because I was offered a trip to NEPAL and was being held back by my phobia, I'm sure you can understand my disappointment. That trip to Nepal was about three months ago, it was apparently fun.
I am only at my second session and it is still in the basics which, having studied phobias and anxiety disorders for 2 years, is very boring and demotivating. I'm finding it difficult to see how it will help and then there's a part of me saying that I'm not finding it helpful because once again, my problems aren't bad enough to need help.
I'm not going to give up on this program because even if it turned out to be useless all the way through to the end, at least I can tell the doctors I tried. Sooner or later they'll have to do something because both me and Mistress can see my health being at risk due to this. It's looking increasingly likely that I have a thyroid disorder, take a guess how they test for those.
So right now I'm feeling skeptical and a little let down. I'll keep on with this course and put as much effort into it as I would any other therapy I had been offered in the hope that it helps. I will probably write a few posts about it to try and keep myself thinking rationally and hopefully more positive.
//EDIT
I forgot there was more. This online program came with a bunch of questionnaires at the start to get an idea of my problems. I ranked high for depression, social anxiety, generalised anxiety and specific anxiety, all of which are having a noticeable effect on my social, work and home life. And yet, if I said any of that to a doctor, I bet all of my savings that I'd leave their office with nothing but a few leaflets. The NHS ladies and gentlemen, you get what you pay for.
If my life were to have one running theme it would be that there's always something wrong but it's never quite enough to deserve any help. I could be a little autistic, I could have mild cerebral palsy, I could be slightly dyslexic, I have some leg problems, I might be depressed, I have a possible phobia. etc. etc.
Looking at each thing one at a time they wouldn't cause me much of a problem, which is of course what the doctors do. But they all add up and they're making things very difficult for me. Right now my main focus is the phobia I mentioned. One of the biggest problems with it is that it's a needle phobia, very very very common and very often blown out of proportion by countless people. I can't tell you how many times I've had to hear people talk about their "phobia" how they "can't look" and sometimes they have to "hold someone's hand". The last time I had to have an injection? I was in school and waited until the nurses were distracted, ran off and hid in a mostly abandoned toilet block crying for a few hours until I was found, taken to a special room, left to cry in there for a while until everyone else was done and they then spent an hour trying to convince me to even sit down in a chair next to a nurse.
You might think a reaction like that would suggest I deserved some help. I certainly do.
Now, I'm trying very hard not to be negative about this, but after almost a year of pushing, this is all I've managed to get. I was offered access to an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) course in order to try to make some progress. Keeping in mind I sought help because I was offered a trip to NEPAL and was being held back by my phobia, I'm sure you can understand my disappointment. That trip to Nepal was about three months ago, it was apparently fun.
I am only at my second session and it is still in the basics which, having studied phobias and anxiety disorders for 2 years, is very boring and demotivating. I'm finding it difficult to see how it will help and then there's a part of me saying that I'm not finding it helpful because once again, my problems aren't bad enough to need help.
I'm not going to give up on this program because even if it turned out to be useless all the way through to the end, at least I can tell the doctors I tried. Sooner or later they'll have to do something because both me and Mistress can see my health being at risk due to this. It's looking increasingly likely that I have a thyroid disorder, take a guess how they test for those.
So right now I'm feeling skeptical and a little let down. I'll keep on with this course and put as much effort into it as I would any other therapy I had been offered in the hope that it helps. I will probably write a few posts about it to try and keep myself thinking rationally and hopefully more positive.
//EDIT
I forgot there was more. This online program came with a bunch of questionnaires at the start to get an idea of my problems. I ranked high for depression, social anxiety, generalised anxiety and specific anxiety, all of which are having a noticeable effect on my social, work and home life. And yet, if I said any of that to a doctor, I bet all of my savings that I'd leave their office with nothing but a few leaflets. The NHS ladies and gentlemen, you get what you pay for.
Aaaand it's time for your (ir)regularly scheduled appointment update.
Due to me being dumb I scheduled my appointment later than I should have so I had my appointment a week later than I should have. Sok though. next appt is four weeks from yesterday and we intend so far on continuing once monthly appointments.
I haven't yet had the courage to bring ssi up to my doctor... mostly cos I'm scared of her reaction. What if she thinks the fact that I'm levelling out means I'll be able to work normally (it won't) and that I won't qualify? Every time I get close to asking about it I freak out.
Anyhow appointment overall went good. I'm gaining weight but that could just be due to irregular eating, not eating as healthily, and being stuck in this fucking room, ugh. Both of the mood stabilising medicines she has me on are shown to be weight-neutral. As in they don't make you gain weight, which is a common trait of most mood stabilisers.
I've been struggling badly with mania on and off the past what, two weeks? week and a half?
Yeah, yeah, I know "Wait, isn't mania great?"
No. No it fucking isn't.
In it's own way mania is just as bad as depression. For sure it's a helluva lot more dangerous with the exception of suicidal depression and then it's a tie.
Wanna know why?
Because nothing bothers you, and nothing can go wrong. Whereas depression I don't eat or shower or get up out of bed because I don't have the will to do so, when I'm actually manic (not hypomanic, which is far more common, or mixed state which is my natural state) I just don't give any fucks.
Forget to eat? Oh well it's okay I don't really need to eat that badly. Sleep? Pah, who needs it! I'm fine on three hours a night, if that. What's that? Have I been drinking water? Oh well.. I'll do it later.
Being in a perpetually positive mood is fucking dangerous especially when mixed with a feeling of basically being invincible and nothing being able to hurt you, you can live through anything so it doesn't matter. I very rarely get voices or psychoses (such as the urge to try to fly off a twenty story building...) thank fuck, but it has happened in the past.
Then there's the agitation. When I am manic I get agitated easily. I get aggravated easily. I get so fucking pissed off that I just want to punch people in the fucking face.
Over the tiniest things.
Nothing.
It's horrible.
Add in racing thoughts, completely being unable to focus on anything, a genuine inability to sleep long, and being in such an overall good mood that I think I don't need my medicine...
Not good.
So I talked to my doctor about it and she suggested I get a medicine tray and set a timer/alarm for a couple hours after I wake up to make sure to check the tray. She also suggested that instead of taking my gabapentin three times a day I take one in the morning and then two at night, so I don't have to worry about forgetting my afternoon dose. She also doubled the dosage because even when I'm on my medicine I'm still having some problems with not eating well and agitation and racing thoughts and then the mood swings and jumping back and forth between mania and depression multiple times daily and sometimes multiple times hourly.. yeah.
So anyhow she doubled my dose instead of putting me on something else, since this is working spectacularly.
She asked if I needed more of my alprazolam and I truthfully told her no. with how much less often I am taking it (not even one pill every day) I have plenty enough for a month. In fact when I got home (after taking two to calm me down from the positively foul mood I was in due to my mother), I counted my alprazolam and found I had... thirty! hahaha.
So yeah. We're both pleased with my progress, especially on the tourettes level. It has been two months since I pulled my hair out! And one month since I had a bad episode with lots of scratching. That isn't to say I haven't had scratching episodes, but they haven't lasted long or been severe thanks to the alprazolam.
Overall despite the ongoing problems with mania I feel better. To be honest the idea of being "fixed" is scary. I literally, went from being so depressed that I was in a state of total and complete apathy and had no genuine emotion whatsoever, to bein' "wham bam bpiolar here you go thank you ma'am." I have never in my memory had a single day where I was not either manic, depressed, or a mixture of both. I have never not had rapid mood swings. I don't know who I am without it...
I am being pleasantly surprised. Nothing about me at the core is changing. And the non-core changes have all been good. I'm able to concentrate better, I'm not constantly in a state of panic, the paranoia is SEVERELY cut down - still there, but at that level of me being able to ignore it if I know it's not reasonable. I'm writing again which is a feat in and of itself. I used to have so many traumas associated with writing that it was nigh-on impossible for me to write more than a couple times a year.
So even though I'm still scared, still worried... I'm doin pretty okay right now. :) I'm less worried than I thought I'd be. Becauase maybe who I am isn't the bad person I've always made myself out to be.
I haven't yet had the courage to bring ssi up to my doctor... mostly cos I'm scared of her reaction. What if she thinks the fact that I'm levelling out means I'll be able to work normally (it won't) and that I won't qualify? Every time I get close to asking about it I freak out.
Anyhow appointment overall went good. I'm gaining weight but that could just be due to irregular eating, not eating as healthily, and being stuck in this fucking room, ugh. Both of the mood stabilising medicines she has me on are shown to be weight-neutral. As in they don't make you gain weight, which is a common trait of most mood stabilisers.
I've been struggling badly with mania on and off the past what, two weeks? week and a half?
Yeah, yeah, I know "Wait, isn't mania great?"
No. No it fucking isn't.
In it's own way mania is just as bad as depression. For sure it's a helluva lot more dangerous with the exception of suicidal depression and then it's a tie.
Wanna know why?
Because nothing bothers you, and nothing can go wrong. Whereas depression I don't eat or shower or get up out of bed because I don't have the will to do so, when I'm actually manic (not hypomanic, which is far more common, or mixed state which is my natural state) I just don't give any fucks.
Forget to eat? Oh well it's okay I don't really need to eat that badly. Sleep? Pah, who needs it! I'm fine on three hours a night, if that. What's that? Have I been drinking water? Oh well.. I'll do it later.
Being in a perpetually positive mood is fucking dangerous especially when mixed with a feeling of basically being invincible and nothing being able to hurt you, you can live through anything so it doesn't matter. I very rarely get voices or psychoses (such as the urge to try to fly off a twenty story building...) thank fuck, but it has happened in the past.
Then there's the agitation. When I am manic I get agitated easily. I get aggravated easily. I get so fucking pissed off that I just want to punch people in the fucking face.
Over the tiniest things.
Nothing.
It's horrible.
Add in racing thoughts, completely being unable to focus on anything, a genuine inability to sleep long, and being in such an overall good mood that I think I don't need my medicine...
Not good.
So I talked to my doctor about it and she suggested I get a medicine tray and set a timer/alarm for a couple hours after I wake up to make sure to check the tray. She also suggested that instead of taking my gabapentin three times a day I take one in the morning and then two at night, so I don't have to worry about forgetting my afternoon dose. She also doubled the dosage because even when I'm on my medicine I'm still having some problems with not eating well and agitation and racing thoughts and then the mood swings and jumping back and forth between mania and depression multiple times daily and sometimes multiple times hourly.. yeah.
So anyhow she doubled my dose instead of putting me on something else, since this is working spectacularly.
She asked if I needed more of my alprazolam and I truthfully told her no. with how much less often I am taking it (not even one pill every day) I have plenty enough for a month. In fact when I got home (after taking two to calm me down from the positively foul mood I was in due to my mother), I counted my alprazolam and found I had... thirty! hahaha.
So yeah. We're both pleased with my progress, especially on the tourettes level. It has been two months since I pulled my hair out! And one month since I had a bad episode with lots of scratching. That isn't to say I haven't had scratching episodes, but they haven't lasted long or been severe thanks to the alprazolam.
Overall despite the ongoing problems with mania I feel better. To be honest the idea of being "fixed" is scary. I literally, went from being so depressed that I was in a state of total and complete apathy and had no genuine emotion whatsoever, to bein' "wham bam bpiolar here you go thank you ma'am." I have never in my memory had a single day where I was not either manic, depressed, or a mixture of both. I have never not had rapid mood swings. I don't know who I am without it...
I am being pleasantly surprised. Nothing about me at the core is changing. And the non-core changes have all been good. I'm able to concentrate better, I'm not constantly in a state of panic, the paranoia is SEVERELY cut down - still there, but at that level of me being able to ignore it if I know it's not reasonable. I'm writing again which is a feat in and of itself. I used to have so many traumas associated with writing that it was nigh-on impossible for me to write more than a couple times a year.
So even though I'm still scared, still worried... I'm doin pretty okay right now. :) I'm less worried than I thought I'd be. Becauase maybe who I am isn't the bad person I've always made myself out to be.
Monday, 1 July 2013
My first story on here, I suppose.
I'm aching to write something creative about my kitten and I. So, I think it shall be done here, in this place. I usually write in third person when writing creatively but tonight is just a first person kinda night.
Just in case it isn't clear, in this little bit of fiction kitten has been listening to a hypnosis recording I made for her and just finishing it as I enter the room. When spoken or written by me in a certain context, "Entrance" is a trigger that will, as it implies, pull her into a trance. It can also be used to triple her depth at the end of my recordings, and keep her from waking from a trance. We have actually been using this trigger for quite some time now.
Similarly, "Awaken" wakes her up; said once it awakens her into a light trance, said twice it awakens her completely. As with Entrance, we have been using this trigger for quite a while.
It should also be said that whilst in trance, kitten is not completely lacking any willpower of her own. If I ask her to do something she is not subconsciously open to doing, able to do, or wanting to do, she will not do it. Even if she is so deep she cannot manage to speak a single word.
Oh yeah, also, duh. This is fiction. And, just in case it wasn't already clear... This will get very NSFW, y'all.
---
As I walk into the bedroom, she is waiting for me. Eyes half open, earphones in her ears, her phone held loosely in one hand as she lays against the numerous pillows on the bed, lost in a world of my making. The moment I see her, deep and waiting for my touch, the rest of the room around me ceases to exist. There is no plush carpeting, for I walk on air. The black vanity and soft forest green lounge do not exist because they are not the bed.
As I touch the moss green canopy of my large bed she blinks, turning towards me. Upon seeing me she begins to awaken, but I immediately put a stop to that, sliding behind her and pulling her into my lap, biting her shoulder, then pulling out her earphones and whispering into her ear the trigger that will take her deeper, pull her under again faster, and leave her helpless to my will.
"Entrance."
Her body sags against mine, and I cannot help but purr, stroking one hand down her arm, my hand cupping hers as my thumb drags circles around her palm - circles and spirals being one of our time-tested ways of dragging her deeper and deeper and deeper. After I place her phone on the nightstand, I speak again, my voice soft and low from strictly controlled desire.
"Deeper, kitten. Let my touch take you deeper, let my voice take you deeper, go further than you have ever been into your wonderful state of blissful entrancement... How do you feel right now, precious?"
The answer is not immediate, as she struggles to gain her senses enough to speak. "Mnhh.. g-good, Mistress."
I pause, pleased with her response, as I lick over the edge of her ear, gently dragging my teeth over the skin before beginning to kiss softly down her neck. "Would kitten like Mistress to make her feel even better?"
Again, her answer is not immediate, but eventually words are whimpered out, between a soft panting gasp and a soft moan, the only things that outwardly show her arousal, although from experience I know that she must be soaked beyond belief. "Nnnyesss Mistress, please..."
Today is a day for her. I get much pleasure from having her in trance, so malleable to my will. But it must be said that there is not a lot of participating that kitten can manage, whilst in the deepest depths of trance. And to be frank that is fine with me. She is, for a time, helpless to my will, and the fact that she trusts me so while in that state is a thrill and delight, and I work hard to never make her trust misplaced.
That being said, today is still a day for her. I will not be focusing on pleasuring myself, but on bringing my kitten to new heights of pleasure she has yet to experience. Pushing the limits on what she can get pleasure from, and deepening the effectiveness of the trigger I have inset that allows her to cum on command.
"Arms up, kitten."
She does as told, and I pull her shirt off of her, tossing it into the laundry basket before unclasping her bra, sliding it from her body, and tossing it into the basket as well. Then I push her arms down to lay on my thighs as I gently lift her hips up, pushing her jeans down her hips before pulling them off fully. I leave her undwear on, after stroking her crotch softly to reassure myself of it's dampness. "Damp" does not even begin to cover how wet she is, and I smirk, moving my arms around her and pulling her closer to me as my hands cup her breasts softly.
My thumbs begin to spiral around her nipples as I hold her heavy breasts in my palms, and I begin to guide her with my voice again. "There's a good girl, precious. That's it. Relax into me... I know you are aroused beyond belief.. but it can go further, kitten. I want you to relax... and close your eyes... and feel the spirals my thumbs are drawing on your breasts. That's right, focus on those lovely spirals and let them pull you deeper, let them make you even more relaxed, and even more aroused...."
The spirals of my thumbs around her breasts continue, as my palms begin to squeeze the soft flesh gently. "If you weren't so deep for me, if you weren't so deliciously relaxed for your Mistress, the arousal would be achingly intense. But as it is, despite the arousal growing more.. and more... and more overwhelming, you are too relaxed for it to ache. Instead of aching you simply crave your Mistress' touch in whatever manner she decides to give it to you."
The soft massaging of my palms, the light touch of my thumbs, the caressing breath against her ear, my thighs against hers, my breasts and stomach pressed into her back... every touch that originates from me is pushing her further into intense arousal, the pleasure coiling in her core until, suddenly, I grab her nipples and pinch them with just the right amount of pressure, growling out an order into her ear. "Cum!"
Her breathing quickens and she cries out, her body arching against mine as she shakes and shudders, the intense orgasm washing over her until she relaxes into me again, whimpering and panting as I let her nipples go with a purr, stroking my hands over her breasts gently before moving them to her soft stomach, my fingertips all moving in circular spiral motions. "Such a good girl! Yes, there's such a wonderfully obedient and submissive kitten for me. Did that feel good, precious?"
It takes less time for her to answer now, and I know that her orgasm probably woke her up some from her depths of trance, and keep in mind to fix that lapse. "Nnnhh yessss Mistress."
"Good. Now, kitten, focus on my fingertips. There are ten wonderful touches, spiralling around, each circular motion taking you deeper and deeper and deeper, pulling you under under under into a wonderful trance. You are floating in a pool of arousal now, just gently floating as my touch begins to build up that wonderfully relaxed arousal once more. Each touch intensifying it. Even my breath and the sound of my voice, pulling you deeper, pushing you into higher levels of intense need and arousal. Floating in a sea of submission and obedience to Mistress alone. Just floating in pure bliss and happiness and relaxation... Feel my body against yours, feel my fingertips against your skin and focus on them, because they make you so deep, they make you feel so very good.. and this time, this time, when you orgasm for Mistress.. instead of waking you up it will take you deeper."
She gasps at that, and I smirk, pressing soft kisses up her neck to her ear before licking the edge of it again, my warm breath caressing the wet skin. "Yes, that's right. The harder you orgasm, the deeper you will go, and the more I touch you, the closer you get. You want to go even deeper don't you, kitten? So deep into trance, so highly aroused, so wonderfully enwrapped in complete bliss and ecstasy. So just focus on my touch, focus on feeling me take you deeper.. and deeper... and deeper."
Time does not exist, as we lay there. As I press soft kisses against her neck and shoulder, switching sides every so often. As my fingers continue to trace soft circular spirals against her stomach. As my tongue darts out to lick her skin, only to breathe hot air against the moist spot before moving along. Her breathing deepens, levels out, and it is only when it starts to become shallower again that time starts again.
When each breath is punctuated with a whimper. When she begins to gasp softly every time my lips touch her skin. When she can't help but make soft, breathy noises nearly constantly. And then, one of my hands moves to her breasts, squeezing it gently as my palm grinds against her nipple, as I order it again.
"Cum, kitten."
This time she is quieter, gasping and panting and whimpering and moaning as she arches against me, the orgasm seeming to last forever before she finally collapses into me, still panting and gasping, but with deep, slow breaths and I know.. I know that it worked.
"You do not have to speak, kitten, you may just use your head. Have you ever been this deep before?"
She shakes her head, whimpering delightfully. "Do you feel amazing?"
She nods her head with a moan, instinctively rubbing her body back against mine in a gesture that can't possibly be conscious, as far under as she is.
"Do you want more?"
She hesitates, as if unable to decide, and I speak again. "I want one more orgasm from you kitten. I won't force it, but-"
I don't even have to finish as she nods frantically, rubbing her body against mine again. I chuckle softly, immensely pleased with her eager response as I kiss her cheek softly, stilling her head. "Okay, precious, I get it. Such a wonderful kitten I have, mmm."
I shift some, settling back into the numerous pillows on my bed as both of my hands slide down her sides and to her hips, slipping under the elastic band of her underwear before pushing the soft cotton briefs down her thighs and off of her body, holding them in front of her. The fabric is light blue, everywhere except the crotch, which is dark with wetness and practically dripping with her juices. "Wow, kitten. Just look at how aroused you've become for me, love."
She whimpers softly, and I toss the panties into the laundry basket, one hand cupping a breast as the other cups her crotch. She gasps at that, and I gently begin to rub, fingertips brushing through her soft pubic hair, just barely touching her skin. My other hand is playing heatedly with her breast now, thumb and index finger teasing her nipple, palm squeezing and massaging the supple flesh as my last three fingers resume the circles to drag her even further for me.
It takes almost no time for her to be reduced to a panting, whimpering puddle in my arms, and I delight in how eager she is for my touch, her hips trying desperately to press into my fingers. Finally, I give her what she is asking for, and slide my middle finger into her wet folds, causing a hungry moan to escape her plump lips.
The noise is just what I want to hear, and I slide another finger in, making her gasp and whimper as I curve them upwards, and begin rubbing along inside of her, my fingers seeking deeper and deeper until finally they find what they are looking for.. and they press down gently. She nearly begins to writhe from the touch, and as my fingers slide in and out of her heat they rub and push against her sensitive spot, until all she is doing is panting and moaning and bucking her hips helplessly upwards.
This time I am going to torture her, though. "You may not cum until I order it, kitten. Is that understood? Until I give the order, you cannot orgasm, and every time you think you are right there it will slowly subside just a bit. I am going to take you into depths of ecstasy you have never felt before, and you will have the most intense, overwhelming, and satisfying orgasm of your life."
The only response she gives is a "Yes", barely understood throughout her heated moans and whimpers.
When an order like that works, it is poetry to see and feel. Watching as her body tenses up, wondering if, despite the order, she will not be able to handle it, seeing as she relaxes just when you fear she might go over.. and then making it start again.
I bring her to the edge five times, my thumb circling around her clit, my hand on her breast, massaging it as I pinch and pull and roll her nipple between my fingers, my fingers deftly sliding in and out of her wetness. The sixth time she nears however, I move my mouth to her ear, breathing against it softly as she tenses, and suddenly... "Cum."
The word is soft, whispered into her ear, and yet the reaction is immediate and explosive as she nearly screams, her entire body afire with pleasure. I don't stop my movements at all, determined to make this orgasm last, and it works, as my thumb rubs over her clit, my fingers press repeatedly against her spot, and she arches against me for over a minute, until I finally remove my hand from her crotch. Then, and only then, does the relaxation start, as she melds her body with mine, panting and gasping heavily.
"Awaken, kitten. Awaken. "
I want her to feel the lingering end of her orgasm while she is conscious, and she gives a loud, satisfied moan as the trigger does as intended, bringing her straight into consciousness. My hands stroke over her body softly as I turn to the side, helping her turn to face me. She immediately latches onto me, nuzzling into my shoulder, sighing happily as she presses her body to me, just like a limpet clinging to a rock.
"Welcome back, limpetkitten." She giggles at the familiar nickname, and nuzzles even closer.
"Did you have fun, precious?"
She looks up at me, her soft brown eyes shining with happiness, sending my heart into the heavens. "Oh yes, Mistress. Thank you so very much. kitten had so much fun..." She nuzzles under my chin with a happy sigh, before continuing, the deep submission she has experienced and is still experiencing reflecting itself in her words. "kitten loves Mistress so much.. Thank you so much Mistress."
I smile happily, nuzzling her back as my fingers stroke through her hair and down her back, petting her softly. "I love you too, kitten. Thank you for being such a good girl."
I feel her smile against my neck, and feel her blushing softly as she cuddles closer to me, aided by my own arm tightening around her, as we lay there, contently just enjoying each other and the bliss of the moment. Perfection.
Just in case it isn't clear, in this little bit of fiction kitten has been listening to a hypnosis recording I made for her and just finishing it as I enter the room. When spoken or written by me in a certain context, "Entrance" is a trigger that will, as it implies, pull her into a trance. It can also be used to triple her depth at the end of my recordings, and keep her from waking from a trance. We have actually been using this trigger for quite some time now.
Similarly, "Awaken" wakes her up; said once it awakens her into a light trance, said twice it awakens her completely. As with Entrance, we have been using this trigger for quite a while.
It should also be said that whilst in trance, kitten is not completely lacking any willpower of her own. If I ask her to do something she is not subconsciously open to doing, able to do, or wanting to do, she will not do it. Even if she is so deep she cannot manage to speak a single word.
Oh yeah, also, duh. This is fiction. And, just in case it wasn't already clear... This will get very NSFW, y'all.
---
As I walk into the bedroom, she is waiting for me. Eyes half open, earphones in her ears, her phone held loosely in one hand as she lays against the numerous pillows on the bed, lost in a world of my making. The moment I see her, deep and waiting for my touch, the rest of the room around me ceases to exist. There is no plush carpeting, for I walk on air. The black vanity and soft forest green lounge do not exist because they are not the bed.
As I touch the moss green canopy of my large bed she blinks, turning towards me. Upon seeing me she begins to awaken, but I immediately put a stop to that, sliding behind her and pulling her into my lap, biting her shoulder, then pulling out her earphones and whispering into her ear the trigger that will take her deeper, pull her under again faster, and leave her helpless to my will.
"Entrance."
Her body sags against mine, and I cannot help but purr, stroking one hand down her arm, my hand cupping hers as my thumb drags circles around her palm - circles and spirals being one of our time-tested ways of dragging her deeper and deeper and deeper. After I place her phone on the nightstand, I speak again, my voice soft and low from strictly controlled desire.
"Deeper, kitten. Let my touch take you deeper, let my voice take you deeper, go further than you have ever been into your wonderful state of blissful entrancement... How do you feel right now, precious?"
The answer is not immediate, as she struggles to gain her senses enough to speak. "Mnhh.. g-good, Mistress."
I pause, pleased with her response, as I lick over the edge of her ear, gently dragging my teeth over the skin before beginning to kiss softly down her neck. "Would kitten like Mistress to make her feel even better?"
Again, her answer is not immediate, but eventually words are whimpered out, between a soft panting gasp and a soft moan, the only things that outwardly show her arousal, although from experience I know that she must be soaked beyond belief. "Nnnyesss Mistress, please..."
Today is a day for her. I get much pleasure from having her in trance, so malleable to my will. But it must be said that there is not a lot of participating that kitten can manage, whilst in the deepest depths of trance. And to be frank that is fine with me. She is, for a time, helpless to my will, and the fact that she trusts me so while in that state is a thrill and delight, and I work hard to never make her trust misplaced.
That being said, today is still a day for her. I will not be focusing on pleasuring myself, but on bringing my kitten to new heights of pleasure she has yet to experience. Pushing the limits on what she can get pleasure from, and deepening the effectiveness of the trigger I have inset that allows her to cum on command.
"Arms up, kitten."
She does as told, and I pull her shirt off of her, tossing it into the laundry basket before unclasping her bra, sliding it from her body, and tossing it into the basket as well. Then I push her arms down to lay on my thighs as I gently lift her hips up, pushing her jeans down her hips before pulling them off fully. I leave her undwear on, after stroking her crotch softly to reassure myself of it's dampness. "Damp" does not even begin to cover how wet she is, and I smirk, moving my arms around her and pulling her closer to me as my hands cup her breasts softly.
My thumbs begin to spiral around her nipples as I hold her heavy breasts in my palms, and I begin to guide her with my voice again. "There's a good girl, precious. That's it. Relax into me... I know you are aroused beyond belief.. but it can go further, kitten. I want you to relax... and close your eyes... and feel the spirals my thumbs are drawing on your breasts. That's right, focus on those lovely spirals and let them pull you deeper, let them make you even more relaxed, and even more aroused...."
The spirals of my thumbs around her breasts continue, as my palms begin to squeeze the soft flesh gently. "If you weren't so deep for me, if you weren't so deliciously relaxed for your Mistress, the arousal would be achingly intense. But as it is, despite the arousal growing more.. and more... and more overwhelming, you are too relaxed for it to ache. Instead of aching you simply crave your Mistress' touch in whatever manner she decides to give it to you."
The soft massaging of my palms, the light touch of my thumbs, the caressing breath against her ear, my thighs against hers, my breasts and stomach pressed into her back... every touch that originates from me is pushing her further into intense arousal, the pleasure coiling in her core until, suddenly, I grab her nipples and pinch them with just the right amount of pressure, growling out an order into her ear. "Cum!"
Her breathing quickens and she cries out, her body arching against mine as she shakes and shudders, the intense orgasm washing over her until she relaxes into me again, whimpering and panting as I let her nipples go with a purr, stroking my hands over her breasts gently before moving them to her soft stomach, my fingertips all moving in circular spiral motions. "Such a good girl! Yes, there's such a wonderfully obedient and submissive kitten for me. Did that feel good, precious?"
It takes less time for her to answer now, and I know that her orgasm probably woke her up some from her depths of trance, and keep in mind to fix that lapse. "Nnnhh yessss Mistress."
"Good. Now, kitten, focus on my fingertips. There are ten wonderful touches, spiralling around, each circular motion taking you deeper and deeper and deeper, pulling you under under under into a wonderful trance. You are floating in a pool of arousal now, just gently floating as my touch begins to build up that wonderfully relaxed arousal once more. Each touch intensifying it. Even my breath and the sound of my voice, pulling you deeper, pushing you into higher levels of intense need and arousal. Floating in a sea of submission and obedience to Mistress alone. Just floating in pure bliss and happiness and relaxation... Feel my body against yours, feel my fingertips against your skin and focus on them, because they make you so deep, they make you feel so very good.. and this time, this time, when you orgasm for Mistress.. instead of waking you up it will take you deeper."
She gasps at that, and I smirk, pressing soft kisses up her neck to her ear before licking the edge of it again, my warm breath caressing the wet skin. "Yes, that's right. The harder you orgasm, the deeper you will go, and the more I touch you, the closer you get. You want to go even deeper don't you, kitten? So deep into trance, so highly aroused, so wonderfully enwrapped in complete bliss and ecstasy. So just focus on my touch, focus on feeling me take you deeper.. and deeper... and deeper."
Time does not exist, as we lay there. As I press soft kisses against her neck and shoulder, switching sides every so often. As my fingers continue to trace soft circular spirals against her stomach. As my tongue darts out to lick her skin, only to breathe hot air against the moist spot before moving along. Her breathing deepens, levels out, and it is only when it starts to become shallower again that time starts again.
When each breath is punctuated with a whimper. When she begins to gasp softly every time my lips touch her skin. When she can't help but make soft, breathy noises nearly constantly. And then, one of my hands moves to her breasts, squeezing it gently as my palm grinds against her nipple, as I order it again.
"Cum, kitten."
This time she is quieter, gasping and panting and whimpering and moaning as she arches against me, the orgasm seeming to last forever before she finally collapses into me, still panting and gasping, but with deep, slow breaths and I know.. I know that it worked.
"You do not have to speak, kitten, you may just use your head. Have you ever been this deep before?"
She shakes her head, whimpering delightfully. "Do you feel amazing?"
She nods her head with a moan, instinctively rubbing her body back against mine in a gesture that can't possibly be conscious, as far under as she is.
"Do you want more?"
She hesitates, as if unable to decide, and I speak again. "I want one more orgasm from you kitten. I won't force it, but-"
I don't even have to finish as she nods frantically, rubbing her body against mine again. I chuckle softly, immensely pleased with her eager response as I kiss her cheek softly, stilling her head. "Okay, precious, I get it. Such a wonderful kitten I have, mmm."
I shift some, settling back into the numerous pillows on my bed as both of my hands slide down her sides and to her hips, slipping under the elastic band of her underwear before pushing the soft cotton briefs down her thighs and off of her body, holding them in front of her. The fabric is light blue, everywhere except the crotch, which is dark with wetness and practically dripping with her juices. "Wow, kitten. Just look at how aroused you've become for me, love."
She whimpers softly, and I toss the panties into the laundry basket, one hand cupping a breast as the other cups her crotch. She gasps at that, and I gently begin to rub, fingertips brushing through her soft pubic hair, just barely touching her skin. My other hand is playing heatedly with her breast now, thumb and index finger teasing her nipple, palm squeezing and massaging the supple flesh as my last three fingers resume the circles to drag her even further for me.
It takes almost no time for her to be reduced to a panting, whimpering puddle in my arms, and I delight in how eager she is for my touch, her hips trying desperately to press into my fingers. Finally, I give her what she is asking for, and slide my middle finger into her wet folds, causing a hungry moan to escape her plump lips.
The noise is just what I want to hear, and I slide another finger in, making her gasp and whimper as I curve them upwards, and begin rubbing along inside of her, my fingers seeking deeper and deeper until finally they find what they are looking for.. and they press down gently. She nearly begins to writhe from the touch, and as my fingers slide in and out of her heat they rub and push against her sensitive spot, until all she is doing is panting and moaning and bucking her hips helplessly upwards.
This time I am going to torture her, though. "You may not cum until I order it, kitten. Is that understood? Until I give the order, you cannot orgasm, and every time you think you are right there it will slowly subside just a bit. I am going to take you into depths of ecstasy you have never felt before, and you will have the most intense, overwhelming, and satisfying orgasm of your life."
The only response she gives is a "Yes", barely understood throughout her heated moans and whimpers.
When an order like that works, it is poetry to see and feel. Watching as her body tenses up, wondering if, despite the order, she will not be able to handle it, seeing as she relaxes just when you fear she might go over.. and then making it start again.
I bring her to the edge five times, my thumb circling around her clit, my hand on her breast, massaging it as I pinch and pull and roll her nipple between my fingers, my fingers deftly sliding in and out of her wetness. The sixth time she nears however, I move my mouth to her ear, breathing against it softly as she tenses, and suddenly... "Cum."
The word is soft, whispered into her ear, and yet the reaction is immediate and explosive as she nearly screams, her entire body afire with pleasure. I don't stop my movements at all, determined to make this orgasm last, and it works, as my thumb rubs over her clit, my fingers press repeatedly against her spot, and she arches against me for over a minute, until I finally remove my hand from her crotch. Then, and only then, does the relaxation start, as she melds her body with mine, panting and gasping heavily.
"Awaken, kitten. Awaken. "
I want her to feel the lingering end of her orgasm while she is conscious, and she gives a loud, satisfied moan as the trigger does as intended, bringing her straight into consciousness. My hands stroke over her body softly as I turn to the side, helping her turn to face me. She immediately latches onto me, nuzzling into my shoulder, sighing happily as she presses her body to me, just like a limpet clinging to a rock.
"Welcome back, limpetkitten." She giggles at the familiar nickname, and nuzzles even closer.
"Did you have fun, precious?"
She looks up at me, her soft brown eyes shining with happiness, sending my heart into the heavens. "Oh yes, Mistress. Thank you so very much. kitten had so much fun..." She nuzzles under my chin with a happy sigh, before continuing, the deep submission she has experienced and is still experiencing reflecting itself in her words. "kitten loves Mistress so much.. Thank you so much Mistress."
I smile happily, nuzzling her back as my fingers stroke through her hair and down her back, petting her softly. "I love you too, kitten. Thank you for being such a good girl."
I feel her smile against my neck, and feel her blushing softly as she cuddles closer to me, aided by my own arm tightening around her, as we lay there, contently just enjoying each other and the bliss of the moment. Perfection.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Polyamory?
So I just finished reading this entry on Pygar's blog. Before anyone reads this I suggest they go read that post and the article linked to in it.
I started writing a comment but it grew long-winded since polyamory is a subject very close to my heart, being that I am poly myself.
In direct answer to the questions asked I would say this: Yes, I have had failed poly relationships, mostly because of self-centrism (I'll talk about that in this blog post); I think the article is interesting and should be read by more people, because it smacks of truth and from a biological standpoint it is highly accurate; I believe polyamory is most natural but being repressed; and finally, in my experience gender is not as much of an issue as sexuality. Most heterosexual people I have met have been the least open to polyamorous relationships, with bisexual and pansexual people being the most open.
Being pansexual myself probably lends itself to partly of why I am so polyamorous.
Let me explain that. For those who don't know, pansexuality is basically saying fuckitall to gender. That isn't saying pansexuals can't have a preference (mine runs towards femininity, be it male, female, trans, queer, or whatever), but gender is like hair colour to us. I don't care if you're a brunette or a redhead or have vividly purple hair, in fact in the latter case I'd probably just ask where you got it done. The same goes with gender. I personally feel like limiting myself to a specific set of genders is limiting who I can love. And loving someone is the most wonderful feeling on earth, so why on earth would I place a limit on who I can love?
The same goes with my polyamory. I love to love. I feel like I have so much love to give to other people that it seems unfair to both myself and anyone who cares for me to limit myself. Some people would say it's selfishness but I say it's the opposite - there is no double standard here. I have three people I romantically love aside from my kitten and they are all more tied to other people than myself. Good for them. I want their happiness with whomever they choose, even or especially if it isn't me.
If my kitten ever found a playmate she wanted, found someone she loved and wanted to get into a relationship with, I would encourage it. (In fact I have done this before.) I want her to be happy and if limiting herself to only me means she is less happy then I refuse to do that to her. Maxiekitten is my biggest love and the most important to me, but all of my others are very, very important to me as well and I love them all equally. The only reason I love them less is because they in turn love me less than who they are also with. It levels and equals out.
Now, the part of my post that is more in line with Pygar's question of whether monogamy or polyamory was more natural. I think it sort of differs. Certainly among animals monogamy is less natural. But humans have slowly developed a culture where monogamy is prevalent.
But it wasn't always so. Monogamy is a pretty recent thing, historically speaking, and if you want to disagree just read the damn bible of all things. Polygamy's everywhere in the old testament, and was widely accepted as how things were done. I think the world's culture moving to being more self-centric (everything is all about "me", "me", "me" - "my" wants, "my" needs, "my" desires, making sure "I" get fulfilled firstly and more importantly to anything else) is what makes polyamory harder.
It's becoming about not wanting to share. I am poly. I am also in a somewhat monogamous relationship because my love is not poly, not completely so anyways. There are people in my life that I have had for longer than her, and she is perfectly accepting of them and understanding, so long as I don't shove it in her face. She is also open to the idea of having a playmate, but scared of fully sharing me. I am not looking for anyone else, firstly because I respect her fears and second because, honestly, I am the luckiest person on earth to have so much love in my life, it would be selfish to ask for even more and I am content with what I have.
It's like we feel that sharing leads to losing, somehow. Personally I think it's the opposite. As I stated before, I am polyamorous partly because I am a giving person. I have all this love inside of me, how could I be so selfish as to focus it on one person and one person alone? How could I be so selfish as to expect the people I love more than anything to selfishly focus only on me and not find more and more happiness? If my kitten ever found someone she loved and wanted me to share her with, I would gladly accept it, as I said before. I would encourage it. Because it is selfish of me to do otherwise.
And yes, by doing so I risk becoming less important to her, but you know what?
It's more important to me that she be as happy as she can possibly be, than it is that I be the most important person in her life. Because to me, that is what love is about. Wanting someone to be happy and to make them happy more than you want anything else.
And I think that monogamy stands in the way of that because of how we see it as a society as the be-all and end-all of relationships. I do NOT think monogamy is wrong. I think monogamy is perfectly and exactly what some people need to be happy. I do however think that how society views it in general is detrimental to the happiness of every person who could possibly be poly and is being held back because it's "unacceptable".
The biggest hindrance to relationships of any kind is dishonesty, and I think that dishonesty to oneself is even worse than dishonesty to one's partner(s). And with how we view monogamy it is very hard for poly people to be honest with themselves about their leanings, which leads to cheating, lacking communication, and broken hearts.
Okay I should probably shut up now before I go on another rant, hahaha. Pygar, I want to thank you for such a great post and great questions to answer, it really inspired me.
I started writing a comment but it grew long-winded since polyamory is a subject very close to my heart, being that I am poly myself.
In direct answer to the questions asked I would say this: Yes, I have had failed poly relationships, mostly because of self-centrism (I'll talk about that in this blog post); I think the article is interesting and should be read by more people, because it smacks of truth and from a biological standpoint it is highly accurate; I believe polyamory is most natural but being repressed; and finally, in my experience gender is not as much of an issue as sexuality. Most heterosexual people I have met have been the least open to polyamorous relationships, with bisexual and pansexual people being the most open.
Being pansexual myself probably lends itself to partly of why I am so polyamorous.
Let me explain that. For those who don't know, pansexuality is basically saying fuckitall to gender. That isn't saying pansexuals can't have a preference (mine runs towards femininity, be it male, female, trans, queer, or whatever), but gender is like hair colour to us. I don't care if you're a brunette or a redhead or have vividly purple hair, in fact in the latter case I'd probably just ask where you got it done. The same goes with gender. I personally feel like limiting myself to a specific set of genders is limiting who I can love. And loving someone is the most wonderful feeling on earth, so why on earth would I place a limit on who I can love?
The same goes with my polyamory. I love to love. I feel like I have so much love to give to other people that it seems unfair to both myself and anyone who cares for me to limit myself. Some people would say it's selfishness but I say it's the opposite - there is no double standard here. I have three people I romantically love aside from my kitten and they are all more tied to other people than myself. Good for them. I want their happiness with whomever they choose, even or especially if it isn't me.
If my kitten ever found a playmate she wanted, found someone she loved and wanted to get into a relationship with, I would encourage it. (In fact I have done this before.) I want her to be happy and if limiting herself to only me means she is less happy then I refuse to do that to her. Maxiekitten is my biggest love and the most important to me, but all of my others are very, very important to me as well and I love them all equally. The only reason I love them less is because they in turn love me less than who they are also with. It levels and equals out.
Now, the part of my post that is more in line with Pygar's question of whether monogamy or polyamory was more natural. I think it sort of differs. Certainly among animals monogamy is less natural. But humans have slowly developed a culture where monogamy is prevalent.
But it wasn't always so. Monogamy is a pretty recent thing, historically speaking, and if you want to disagree just read the damn bible of all things. Polygamy's everywhere in the old testament, and was widely accepted as how things were done. I think the world's culture moving to being more self-centric (everything is all about "me", "me", "me" - "my" wants, "my" needs, "my" desires, making sure "I" get fulfilled firstly and more importantly to anything else) is what makes polyamory harder.
It's becoming about not wanting to share. I am poly. I am also in a somewhat monogamous relationship because my love is not poly, not completely so anyways. There are people in my life that I have had for longer than her, and she is perfectly accepting of them and understanding, so long as I don't shove it in her face. She is also open to the idea of having a playmate, but scared of fully sharing me. I am not looking for anyone else, firstly because I respect her fears and second because, honestly, I am the luckiest person on earth to have so much love in my life, it would be selfish to ask for even more and I am content with what I have.
It's like we feel that sharing leads to losing, somehow. Personally I think it's the opposite. As I stated before, I am polyamorous partly because I am a giving person. I have all this love inside of me, how could I be so selfish as to focus it on one person and one person alone? How could I be so selfish as to expect the people I love more than anything to selfishly focus only on me and not find more and more happiness? If my kitten ever found someone she loved and wanted me to share her with, I would gladly accept it, as I said before. I would encourage it. Because it is selfish of me to do otherwise.
And yes, by doing so I risk becoming less important to her, but you know what?
It's more important to me that she be as happy as she can possibly be, than it is that I be the most important person in her life. Because to me, that is what love is about. Wanting someone to be happy and to make them happy more than you want anything else.
And I think that monogamy stands in the way of that because of how we see it as a society as the be-all and end-all of relationships. I do NOT think monogamy is wrong. I think monogamy is perfectly and exactly what some people need to be happy. I do however think that how society views it in general is detrimental to the happiness of every person who could possibly be poly and is being held back because it's "unacceptable".
The biggest hindrance to relationships of any kind is dishonesty, and I think that dishonesty to oneself is even worse than dishonesty to one's partner(s). And with how we view monogamy it is very hard for poly people to be honest with themselves about their leanings, which leads to cheating, lacking communication, and broken hearts.
Okay I should probably shut up now before I go on another rant, hahaha. Pygar, I want to thank you for such a great post and great questions to answer, it really inspired me.
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Just A Little Something From me
I am struggling. Like, really struggling.
The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me.
Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that.
Except I do.
I know exactly where I fit.
Right at my Mistress' feet.
This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed.
(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)
The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study.
When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.
I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.
The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me.
Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that.
Except I do.
I know exactly where I fit.
Right at my Mistress' feet.
This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed.
(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)
The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study.
When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.
I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Changes, changes, changes.
(Note: This post to be changed and edited as we go along, and possibly re-posted if things change enough.)
We would not be "us" without these things:
Maxie being more than "Just a pet", the fact that she is my Mate and my lover and my girlfriend.
The fact that Mistress is now taking control outside of sex and we are becoming closer to 24/7.
Hypnosis, now. That has to stay, it has become such an integral part of our relationship.
Incentives:
We would not be "us" without these things:
Maxie being more than "Just a pet", the fact that she is my Mate and my lover and my girlfriend.
The fact that Mistress is now taking control outside of sex and we are becoming closer to 24/7.
Hypnosis, now. That has to stay, it has become such an integral part of our relationship.
Incentives:
- Punishments: Defined - banning things, some physical punishments, and that ignoring is to be used for any sort of outright defiance, no matter how small. Ignoring is not to last more than several hours even for larger defiances. There will be no days-long ignorings in this relationship.
- Rewards: Currently in progress (we are not sure where these fit right now - they have to have some use but we are unsure of how to work that out as of yet.)
- Service: Defined (fluidly) - If Mistress wants to plan a session or scene out, it will be mentioned, and that if pet gets her studying done by such time or something, then Mistress will have her scene or session. Sessions would work best if aimed towards a goal and/or had direct pleasuring as an end result. "Physical" service without scene: e.g.: pet tied up and giving me oral or something like that. (note: anyone who disapproves of this keep in mind that we both wrote this and my kitten suggested that this would work better than how I had previously gone about doing things which was the focus being on her pleasure more than my own due to a misguided attempt to keep from being selfish and not focusing on her needs.)
When you can't be there.
Sometimes, especially in an LDR, but also in any sort of relationship, life gets in the way. You have a migraine or your allergies are acting up or you have an unexpected project at work or an extra assignment for class or you are freaking out. A death or illness in the family, unexpected plans you forgot about or didn't know about and can't get out of. Shopping trip takes too long, you suddenly aren't in the mood, internet is unreliable (living on a mountain and dealing with satellite internet and a pos computer, that is frequent for me), or you get sick, depressed, exhausted.
These things happen to us rather frequently and I have found that the key to making things work is communication and understanding. kitten is very good at the latter, even when she gets bratty about it sometimes, she is a very understanding person and knows that sometimes even when she needs me most, I can't be there for her and is very good at accepting when I can't, for the most part.
Right now (Note: actually, when I began writing this. I ended up going to bed shortly after without posting due to circumstances beyond my control. It has been two days since I started this post and I am just now getting to finishing it.), is one of those times. I have a horrid headache, and she has an exam, and while I would normally spend this time comforting and calming her, my ability to focus on things is not up to par at the moment. There is a lag between messages, it is raining out and so the internet isn't great to begin with, and this old, run-down laptop that I am using is just not working it's best. But she has been a wonderful sport about it all, and incredibly understanding of my situation, because she knows what is wrong.
In any relationship dynamic, but especially in D/s dynamics, it can be difficult to fess up that shit is going down. It can be difficult to say "I'm sorry, but something came up" or "I have a really bad headache, which is why I am not talking as much" because it is admitting weakness and lack of control over your own life or your own body.
Sometimes our hands are "forced" and we have little choice in the matter, but I think the word force should not be there. I think that it is important to "'fess up" promptly and without fear of being seen as weak, because let's face it; it's easier on your partner to one, know that you are also not perfect, and two, know that it isn't them that's the problem.
A disconnect in communication, this false idea that people are perfect and able to handle everything thrown at them, especially if the person in question is a Dom/me, is a fatal flaw in any relationship, of any kind, but especially romantic ones. Because if you can't be wrong, if you can't be weak, or you can't be having a shit day and be able to just tell them, then everything falls on them - the blame, the repercussions, and the guilt and self-doubt.
No one can handle that sort of burden, no matter how close to perfection they may seem to be.
These things happen to us rather frequently and I have found that the key to making things work is communication and understanding. kitten is very good at the latter, even when she gets bratty about it sometimes, she is a very understanding person and knows that sometimes even when she needs me most, I can't be there for her and is very good at accepting when I can't, for the most part.
Right now (Note: actually, when I began writing this. I ended up going to bed shortly after without posting due to circumstances beyond my control. It has been two days since I started this post and I am just now getting to finishing it.), is one of those times. I have a horrid headache, and she has an exam, and while I would normally spend this time comforting and calming her, my ability to focus on things is not up to par at the moment. There is a lag between messages, it is raining out and so the internet isn't great to begin with, and this old, run-down laptop that I am using is just not working it's best. But she has been a wonderful sport about it all, and incredibly understanding of my situation, because she knows what is wrong.
In any relationship dynamic, but especially in D/s dynamics, it can be difficult to fess up that shit is going down. It can be difficult to say "I'm sorry, but something came up" or "I have a really bad headache, which is why I am not talking as much" because it is admitting weakness and lack of control over your own life or your own body.
Sometimes our hands are "forced" and we have little choice in the matter, but I think the word force should not be there. I think that it is important to "'fess up" promptly and without fear of being seen as weak, because let's face it; it's easier on your partner to one, know that you are also not perfect, and two, know that it isn't them that's the problem.
A disconnect in communication, this false idea that people are perfect and able to handle everything thrown at them, especially if the person in question is a Dom/me, is a fatal flaw in any relationship, of any kind, but especially romantic ones. Because if you can't be wrong, if you can't be weak, or you can't be having a shit day and be able to just tell them, then everything falls on them - the blame, the repercussions, and the guilt and self-doubt.
No one can handle that sort of burden, no matter how close to perfection they may seem to be.
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
I don't know...
...exactly where I want this post to go.
There is a lot of stuff that could be talked about, and a lot of stuff on my mind, so this one will probably be labelled with "rambling" because I suspect it will be very much me just rambling on about different things.
First off: Name change has gone out the window for now. It costs almost 160 dollars, and so it is something that will have to happen after I get on SSI disability (NOT social security - more on that, next, I suppose), assuming I do. Knowing this is a good thing, even though it sucks that it's so expensive - it is also incredibly straightforward. In Indiana you had to run a large notification in a big newspaper for three weeks in order to get your name changed, as well as jump through lots of hoops and hurdles and pay a large fee. Here it's just fill out papers, pay the fee, and then get copies so you can change Social Security card and Driver's License or ID, and anything else needing changed. I found out that unless I change my social security card I don't need to bother with anything else and both of those for food stamps and SafetyNet are a simple rescanning and change of information forms, it doesn't affect my status, so yay!
Now, on SSI: SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. For people who cannot work and have not been able to work enough to earn any chance of social security, there is SSI. It is similar to welfare, or benefits, or unemployment, only more permanent (sometimes) and harder to get into. I have not worked enough to earn much social security credit, and have not held a job in oh, what, seven years? because of mental and physical disability: tourette's syndrome being the physical; crippling social anxiety and severe bipolar as well as intense paranoia being the mental. We're working on getting me to a level of beieng able to just function on a daily basis with medication, but that is just functioning. That does not mean I will be able to go out and look for a job and survive with my physical and mental health intact if I manage to get a job. I have some very self-destructive tics, such as pulling my hair (out), scratching my arms (til they bleed), digging my nails into my skin (similarly, until it bleeds), biting my cheeks/lips/tongue (until bleeding)... and while I do not do them frequently, I also actively avoid any situation that might possibly set me off. I also do things like cut my nails to the quick every week to keep them short so that they have less chance of harming me, got my tongue pierced and actively switch my tic out to biting that instead of my cheeks/lips/tongue, keep toilet paper around to put between my nails and my arms...
I'm not one of those "lazy, just want to not work" people. I ache with self-detesting guilt sometimes, because I don't work, and from the idea that I am even considering trying to get on SSI; but it does not change the fact that I am, whether I think it most of the time or not, whether it outwardly seems so or not, pretty damn severely disabled. It is not that I do not want to work. It is that I cannot work a job that is stable, and trying to work from home is only something that would bring me lots of bad experience because phones are frightening, I cannot always summon the will to work, and depression is more frequent for me than mania so I would end up having a breakdown similar to the three I had while I tried to attend college (I have tried both online, and in person).
I need a way to support myself until I can get to a point of stability that I can find things to do to similarly support myself, if it is even possible. I need a way to support myself to even try. And that is where SSI comes in. I've already taken the first steps, being that of therapy and medication, and now we have to get in touch with the lawyer that we are using to help, and hopefully I will qualify. The fear is that I have a lot of things wrong that combine to be severe enough to disable me, but each thing on its own is not enough to qualify me as disabled. They have tests to check for a person's functionality, but what if those tests happen on a "good" day, or on a day when I am manic? What then? I can function fine when I am manic, even to the point of being a social butterfly at parties, but that is not an accurate portrayal of who I am on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis. Similarly, do I take my medicine? or go how I normally am? Could I even function enough to get to the testing without freaking out without it?
It's a long, arduous, and scary process. Everyone around me seems certain that it will happen, except myself. Everyone thinks I qualify easily, except myself. And I wonder if that in and of itself will be a hindrance because it's hard to convince someone else that you are disabled when you grew up being forcefully told you were not and cannot even convince yourself that you are.
-sigh- On and on, let's change topic shall we? kitten, you may not feel up to reading this part just yet so skip over it if you need since you already know most of this anyhow. Whenever I write another note in this colours you can just start reading again. <3
My appointment went well. My pdoc easily understood that the fact that medication works is scary, helped ease my fears, and did put me on a daily anti-anxiety - sort of. It's really a mood-stabiliser and anti-epileptic that has been shown to have great properties for aiding with severe anxiety, and just the fact that I have not even taken a whole xanax every day since friday shows that it works. Because my saphris is also a mood stabiliser as well as an anti-psychotic (to help with paranoia) she cut my dose in half, and because xanax is meant to be taken as emergency/as needed rather than as "need it to function" as I had been been taking it (note: I was not abusing it, and was told I could take it that way, but that is not how it should be taken and my pdoc is very smart and knows this) she also cut my dose from three pills a day allowed to two.
Not that I've needed them much. One day I didn't take any, being Saturday. Sunday I took one, yesterday I took one, and today I have taken half of one (just recently actually)
Seriously, it's fucking frightening how damn well this new med works, and my doctor is amazing and understands that and doesn't patronise me or act as if she is all-knowing, and I really just like her a lot, and am glad I have her as a doctor. I need to talk to her about seeing if she can aid in me getting on SSI, actually. She is already helping so much and seems to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that I am able to get as much help as I can since she knows I can't work like this. As I said before, right now we are just trying to get me to a state of "I can function on a daily basis without being in a constant state of panic". It's working remarkably well. I've even talked to my uncle twice without freaking out. (He is a lot like two of the men in my life who were emotionally and mentally (some would say physically too.. for one of them) abusive towards me, so he sets me off really bad sometimes) Although I did just take half a pill after the two interactions, still, normally I would have felt such strong symptoms that I would have needed an entire pill immediately. not just felt the stirrings of an attack coming on and taken half a pill to prevent it.
So yeah, there's that done with. kitten you may begin reading again if you stopped.
Lets see, I also wanted to talk about hypnosis with kitten and how that is coming along! I have done two recordings for her, using a trance-trigger. They are working okay but not as well as we need them too, so I am going to (tomorrow, hopefully, if I get the alone time) record an induction (one that we know works for her that I simply modified to suit sleeping position) and deepener. The deepener I am very proud of as it was the first thing I ever wrote on my own, meant to be used more than once.
Modifying it for speech rather than text has been an hours-long process but so worth it. I love the extra scope it gives me. Instead of telling kitten to take herself deeper, I get to lead the way. I get to add in all those details that make the experience more realistic. Comparing the two, well.. it's clear that I know more what I am doing now, and aside from the general direction being the same, there is almost no comparison. The same things happen, in totally different ways. The detail is so much more intense, and dammit I really wish my goddamned uncle had left when he was supposed to so I could record this now.
-fidgets- if I turn the ac back on I might record it anyways. I seriously want to record this for kitten, to get her reaction to it, to hear her pleasure at how well it worked. Even though I have less faith in it than she does, I still know that it'll work at least somewhat. And when I allow my logic to take over, I know that it will work incredibly effectively, especially because it is familiar to her, and she knows what to expect, to an extent (I have been talking to her about it, plus as I said, it is a modification of the first deepener I ever wrote for her)... and that it will blow her expectations out of the water.
I know it sounds very vain of me, and I hate sounding that way because really I have serious self-confidence issues, and actively try not to be vain or pompous or anything like that. It's only that now I know what I am doing, know her better, have more experience... and it already worked insanely effectively to begin with!
There is almost no way on earth that it wouldn't work, seriously. It would take a lot for it to not work, and I'm not that incompetent, seriously.
Maybe once I know he is asleep I'll record it, so she can use it tonight. Or maybe while he's awake even. The ac will effectively muffle my voice, and I can always noisereduce it like I did the others. (thank goodness for Audacity, woo. love that program) ...yes I am paranoid enough that even though I was completely ans totally alone when I recorded the other two files, I kept the ac on to muffle my voice. This is part of why I am on medication, yo. XD
ANYHOW lol. Lessee. There was one more thing, I think... Oh! Right! kitten has her exams now, spaced over the next two weeks, so wishing her luck on them and sending her good vibes so that she can work effectively would be appreciated for anyone who comes across this and reads it before her exams are over!
I think I've rambled enough for now. Imma go check on files and see how much time I need to give to kitten and count up how much we've used over the weekend and yesterday to detract from the hours she has earned. Might just be lazy and count it all as one of my "free" sessions since I've only used two out of six.. yeah.. that sounds like a good idea :3 And much less work for a nervy and tired Mari.
There is a lot of stuff that could be talked about, and a lot of stuff on my mind, so this one will probably be labelled with "rambling" because I suspect it will be very much me just rambling on about different things.
First off: Name change has gone out the window for now. It costs almost 160 dollars, and so it is something that will have to happen after I get on SSI disability (NOT social security - more on that, next, I suppose), assuming I do. Knowing this is a good thing, even though it sucks that it's so expensive - it is also incredibly straightforward. In Indiana you had to run a large notification in a big newspaper for three weeks in order to get your name changed, as well as jump through lots of hoops and hurdles and pay a large fee. Here it's just fill out papers, pay the fee, and then get copies so you can change Social Security card and Driver's License or ID, and anything else needing changed. I found out that unless I change my social security card I don't need to bother with anything else and both of those for food stamps and SafetyNet are a simple rescanning and change of information forms, it doesn't affect my status, so yay!
Now, on SSI: SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. For people who cannot work and have not been able to work enough to earn any chance of social security, there is SSI. It is similar to welfare, or benefits, or unemployment, only more permanent (sometimes) and harder to get into. I have not worked enough to earn much social security credit, and have not held a job in oh, what, seven years? because of mental and physical disability: tourette's syndrome being the physical; crippling social anxiety and severe bipolar as well as intense paranoia being the mental. We're working on getting me to a level of beieng able to just function on a daily basis with medication, but that is just functioning. That does not mean I will be able to go out and look for a job and survive with my physical and mental health intact if I manage to get a job. I have some very self-destructive tics, such as pulling my hair (out), scratching my arms (til they bleed), digging my nails into my skin (similarly, until it bleeds), biting my cheeks/lips/tongue (until bleeding)... and while I do not do them frequently, I also actively avoid any situation that might possibly set me off. I also do things like cut my nails to the quick every week to keep them short so that they have less chance of harming me, got my tongue pierced and actively switch my tic out to biting that instead of my cheeks/lips/tongue, keep toilet paper around to put between my nails and my arms...
I'm not one of those "lazy, just want to not work" people. I ache with self-detesting guilt sometimes, because I don't work, and from the idea that I am even considering trying to get on SSI; but it does not change the fact that I am, whether I think it most of the time or not, whether it outwardly seems so or not, pretty damn severely disabled. It is not that I do not want to work. It is that I cannot work a job that is stable, and trying to work from home is only something that would bring me lots of bad experience because phones are frightening, I cannot always summon the will to work, and depression is more frequent for me than mania so I would end up having a breakdown similar to the three I had while I tried to attend college (I have tried both online, and in person).
I need a way to support myself until I can get to a point of stability that I can find things to do to similarly support myself, if it is even possible. I need a way to support myself to even try. And that is where SSI comes in. I've already taken the first steps, being that of therapy and medication, and now we have to get in touch with the lawyer that we are using to help, and hopefully I will qualify. The fear is that I have a lot of things wrong that combine to be severe enough to disable me, but each thing on its own is not enough to qualify me as disabled. They have tests to check for a person's functionality, but what if those tests happen on a "good" day, or on a day when I am manic? What then? I can function fine when I am manic, even to the point of being a social butterfly at parties, but that is not an accurate portrayal of who I am on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis. Similarly, do I take my medicine? or go how I normally am? Could I even function enough to get to the testing without freaking out without it?
It's a long, arduous, and scary process. Everyone around me seems certain that it will happen, except myself. Everyone thinks I qualify easily, except myself. And I wonder if that in and of itself will be a hindrance because it's hard to convince someone else that you are disabled when you grew up being forcefully told you were not and cannot even convince yourself that you are.
-sigh- On and on, let's change topic shall we? kitten, you may not feel up to reading this part just yet so skip over it if you need since you already know most of this anyhow. Whenever I write another note in this colours you can just start reading again. <3
My appointment went well. My pdoc easily understood that the fact that medication works is scary, helped ease my fears, and did put me on a daily anti-anxiety - sort of. It's really a mood-stabiliser and anti-epileptic that has been shown to have great properties for aiding with severe anxiety, and just the fact that I have not even taken a whole xanax every day since friday shows that it works. Because my saphris is also a mood stabiliser as well as an anti-psychotic (to help with paranoia) she cut my dose in half, and because xanax is meant to be taken as emergency/as needed rather than as "need it to function" as I had been been taking it (note: I was not abusing it, and was told I could take it that way, but that is not how it should be taken and my pdoc is very smart and knows this) she also cut my dose from three pills a day allowed to two.
Not that I've needed them much. One day I didn't take any, being Saturday. Sunday I took one, yesterday I took one, and today I have taken half of one (just recently actually)
Seriously, it's fucking frightening how damn well this new med works, and my doctor is amazing and understands that and doesn't patronise me or act as if she is all-knowing, and I really just like her a lot, and am glad I have her as a doctor. I need to talk to her about seeing if she can aid in me getting on SSI, actually. She is already helping so much and seems to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that I am able to get as much help as I can since she knows I can't work like this. As I said before, right now we are just trying to get me to a state of "I can function on a daily basis without being in a constant state of panic". It's working remarkably well. I've even talked to my uncle twice without freaking out. (He is a lot like two of the men in my life who were emotionally and mentally (some would say physically too.. for one of them) abusive towards me, so he sets me off really bad sometimes) Although I did just take half a pill after the two interactions, still, normally I would have felt such strong symptoms that I would have needed an entire pill immediately. not just felt the stirrings of an attack coming on and taken half a pill to prevent it.
So yeah, there's that done with. kitten you may begin reading again if you stopped.
Lets see, I also wanted to talk about hypnosis with kitten and how that is coming along! I have done two recordings for her, using a trance-trigger. They are working okay but not as well as we need them too, so I am going to (tomorrow, hopefully, if I get the alone time) record an induction (one that we know works for her that I simply modified to suit sleeping position) and deepener. The deepener I am very proud of as it was the first thing I ever wrote on my own, meant to be used more than once.
Modifying it for speech rather than text has been an hours-long process but so worth it. I love the extra scope it gives me. Instead of telling kitten to take herself deeper, I get to lead the way. I get to add in all those details that make the experience more realistic. Comparing the two, well.. it's clear that I know more what I am doing now, and aside from the general direction being the same, there is almost no comparison. The same things happen, in totally different ways. The detail is so much more intense, and dammit I really wish my goddamned uncle had left when he was supposed to so I could record this now.
-fidgets- if I turn the ac back on I might record it anyways. I seriously want to record this for kitten, to get her reaction to it, to hear her pleasure at how well it worked. Even though I have less faith in it than she does, I still know that it'll work at least somewhat. And when I allow my logic to take over, I know that it will work incredibly effectively, especially because it is familiar to her, and she knows what to expect, to an extent (I have been talking to her about it, plus as I said, it is a modification of the first deepener I ever wrote for her)... and that it will blow her expectations out of the water.
I know it sounds very vain of me, and I hate sounding that way because really I have serious self-confidence issues, and actively try not to be vain or pompous or anything like that. It's only that now I know what I am doing, know her better, have more experience... and it already worked insanely effectively to begin with!
There is almost no way on earth that it wouldn't work, seriously. It would take a lot for it to not work, and I'm not that incompetent, seriously.
Maybe once I know he is asleep I'll record it, so she can use it tonight. Or maybe while he's awake even. The ac will effectively muffle my voice, and I can always noisereduce it like I did the others. (thank goodness for Audacity, woo. love that program) ...yes I am paranoid enough that even though I was completely ans totally alone when I recorded the other two files, I kept the ac on to muffle my voice. This is part of why I am on medication, yo. XD
ANYHOW lol. Lessee. There was one more thing, I think... Oh! Right! kitten has her exams now, spaced over the next two weeks, so wishing her luck on them and sending her good vibes so that she can work effectively would be appreciated for anyone who comes across this and reads it before her exams are over!
I think I've rambled enough for now. Imma go check on files and see how much time I need to give to kitten and count up how much we've used over the weekend and yesterday to detract from the hours she has earned. Might just be lazy and count it all as one of my "free" sessions since I've only used two out of six.. yeah.. that sounds like a good idea :3 And much less work for a nervy and tired Mari.
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