When you can't be there.

Sometimes, especially in an LDR, but also in any sort of relationship, life gets in the way. You have a migraine or your allergies are acting up or you have an unexpected project at work or an extra assignment for class or you are freaking out. A death or illness in the family, unexpected plans you forgot about or didn't know about and can't get out of. Shopping trip takes too long, you suddenly aren't in the mood, internet is unreliable (living on a mountain and dealing with satellite internet and a pos computer, that is frequent for me), or you get sick, depressed, exhausted.

These things happen to us rather frequently and I have found that the key to making things work is communication and understanding. kitten is very good at the latter, even when she gets bratty about it sometimes, she is a very understanding person and knows that sometimes even when she needs me most, I can't be there for her and is very good at accepting when I can't, for the most part.

Right now (Note: actually, when I began writing this. I ended up going to bed shortly after without posting due to circumstances beyond my control. It has been two days since I started this post and I am just now getting to finishing it.), is one of those times. I have a horrid headache, and she has an exam, and while I would normally spend this time comforting and calming her, my ability to focus on things is not up to par at the moment. There is a lag between messages, it is raining out and so the internet isn't great to begin with, and this old, run-down laptop that I am using is just not working it's best. But she has been a wonderful sport about it all, and incredibly understanding of my situation, because she knows what is wrong.

In any relationship dynamic, but especially in D/s dynamics, it can be difficult to fess up that shit is going down. It can be difficult to say "I'm sorry, but something came up" or "I have a really bad headache, which is why I am not talking as much" because it is admitting weakness and lack of control over your own life or your own body.

Sometimes our hands are "forced" and we have little choice in the matter, but I think the word force should not be there. I think that it is important to "'fess up" promptly and without fear of being seen as weak, because let's face it; it's easier on your partner to one, know that you are also not perfect, and two, know that it isn't them that's the problem.

A disconnect in communication, this false idea that people are perfect and able to handle everything thrown at them, especially if the person in question is a Dom/me, is a fatal flaw in any relationship, of any kind, but especially romantic ones.  Because if you can't be wrong, if you can't be weak, or you can't be having a shit day and be able to just tell them, then everything falls on them - the blame, the repercussions, and the guilt and self-doubt.

No one can handle that sort of burden, no matter how close to perfection they may seem to be.

Sleeping

I find that the hardest single thing to deal with and try to work around in my particular LDR is sleep patterns.

kitten and I are both insomniacs. For similar and different reasons, really. She hates to sleep. Period. She doesn't like being asleep, I'm fairly certain it even frightens her on some level, which is not an irrational thing. Sleep is scary for me too. But, that is only occasionally why I am such an insomniac, more frequently is that I have bipolar and am 75% of the time (maybe 80%) in a mixed state. Which means with symptoms of mania and depression simultaneously. Usually I jump back and forth between a depressed mania (dysphoric mania) and a manic depression (agitated depression) several times a week or even a day. Which means insomnia is rampant, especially the kind where I am exhausted but just cannot fucking sleep!

I'm currently being medicated for this; not the insomnia itself, but the bipolar type in general with something called Saphris which knocks. me. flat. I liked/loved it at first but I've recently learned that if kitten is awake when I take it I can't stand it. I hate it so much and it's scary, being forced to sleep when I want to stay awake. The anxiety could probably be gotten over by taking half a Xanax (my PRN - aka as needed - for general and social anxiety) but I dislike having to take those at all.

I am trying to get a balance so that I am awake still and can help kitten sleep through hypnosis and other means (she is particularly fond of hypnosis, as am I), before I take my medicine and pass the fuck out so that the anxiety of being torn away from her, and the worry about not being there when she needs me, is not present.

The problem, really, lies in wanting to be there when she wakes up and to put her to sleep and to stay with her all day, and that is just not possible. I'm thinking of starting a 4-6 hours at night, 3-5 hours at day schedule so that I nap while she is in classes or studying, and then am able to wake up before or when she does and sleep after she does. Partly because I usually wake up after four to six hours of sleep unable to sleep anyfuckinghow and get sick of trying to force myself back to sleep.

It's frustrating and difficult and it makes me realise that even more, no matter how easy things seem to be going, there is a long and trying road ahead of us. I am prepared to work with what I have, and can only hope that what I have is enough, I suppose. <3<3<3

I love thee, mine kitten.

Anyhow, I just needed to ramble and get thoughts out. Which is exactly what this place is for :)

Being There

I've learned, over time, that a large part of what makes any relationship (especially D/s and other TTWD dynamics) work is simply paying attention to your partner. To their thoughts and ideas. Their needs and wants. Just being there for them.

Even, or maybe especially, in an online or long distance relationship, being there is not just important, but utterly and completely necessary. I say "or maybe", because I have seen far too many in person, face-to-face relationships that didn't work out because of a refusal to do the exact thing I will be talking about in this post, and have experienced it myself.

If you aren't there, how will you know their innermost fears? Their hopes and desires? That the most important thing for them right now is to be loved? That right at this moment the only thing they crave from you is attention/affection/sex/cuddles/a shoulder to cry on/someone to listen to (or to them)?

You can't know this if you aren't there. And being in a LDR, even across countries, does not mean that being there is impossible. Especially when there are things like blogging, which can allow partners to express their thoughts in long-form after much thinking, without interruption and without as much bias as there is in the heat of the moment (or with that bias, when necessary). As well as services such as GTalk (which, did you know, allows for text messaging if one partner has access to a computer?), AIM, Y!M, and Skype. Hearing someone's voice at the end of an exhausting and depressing day can be such a lift. Seeing their face, even, watching that brilliant soft smile light up their features when they realise that they get to see you again; it doesn't have to be limited to in person or in the same country relationships.

When we have things like Google Drive and Dropbox which can share folders, files, voice and/or videos recordings, pictures, and even allow for (in the former case) simultaneous collaborative file editing.

The latter two I find especially important in my particular dynamic because I monitor her schedule. I make sure she is getting her studying done on time, doing enough of it, and getting to bed at a decent time (we are still working on this >.>;;; 5 hour time differences and insomniac tendencies do not make for easy sleep patterns). I make sure she gets her homework and revision done, and she gets treats and rewards in the form of hours to be spent with me doing anything she wishes.

Whether it be cybering or snuggling (intensive snuggling/makeouts - I am very freely affectionate with her anyhow so that has never been asked for, hahaha) or hypnotism or play sessions or whatever else, it is her time to be spent. Half of it is, anyways. The other half is to be spent how I want, so that the hours actually get spent, because I know my kitten has a hard time asking for things she needs, much less wants. Plus, she wishes to serve and submit to me and asking or demanding that her treats be spent a certain way is not submitting, to her. I think it can be when done a certain way but that is just one thing we compromise on.

It has taken a while to finally achieve the balance we have, and none of it would have been even the slightest bit possible if I did not take time out every single day to at least check up on her, if not spend a few hours with her.

More frequently, we are constantly connected, constantly talking. Instant messaging, texting, calling through skype, we are almost always together and it suits us well - but we aren't so attached that we have to talk constantly to be secure. We can spend days with only a short few messages sent between us to check up on and make sure our partner is doing fine.

The point is, despite being so far apart, I am there for her to the absolute best of my ability, and she the same for me. We communicate, we listen, we give affection, and sometimes we will just be on call, saying nothing, relaxing together.

I know many couples that live together cannot say the same, and I know that my first D/s dynamic (More like M/s, with me as the slave) relationship was in person for the most part, even living together, and we largely fell apart not due to incompatibility or even physical abuse, but to neglect. To him not being there for me even when I was being abused (physically, but only to a minor extent, and much more so psychologically) by his friends. To him not trusting or listening to me, not taking time out to make sure my needs were met.

Much (not all, not even most, but definitely some) of the blame is my own, though, because I did not think (or was afraid to admit) that it was wrong of him to treat me like that. So I allowed the treatment. I thought that as his possession he could do with me as he wanted, and allowed the use and psychological abuse, thinking that it was fine - normal, even.

BDSM and TTWD should never be abusive; SSC or RACK, whichever your flavour, should be followed at all times, and I will never disagree with that. But more important than those things, to me, is remembering that neglect is a form of abuse as well, and not being there for your partner will ultimately end in a ruined friendship, relationship, and possibly even a broken person who has to clean up after him or her self because the one person who could help them either would/will not, or has broken their trust so badly that it it would never be allowed even if they were willing.

So more than just keeping a relationship working and running smoothly as possible, whether online, long distance, or in person, being there is possibly the most important thing in a relationship. Especially because "Being There" encompasses so many varied things within a relationship, not just one small aspect that might easily fall by the wayside.