Rachelkitten and I were having a discussion on what should count in our relationship as abuse, when I was upset and said - as I have said before, but never ever acted on - that I wanted to slap her upside the head for being so stubborn and stupid about not making sure her needs are met. She asked me very bluntly several minutes later, when was I going to hit her, and it surprised me because I thought it was clear that I'd never do something like that. But then she said something that really got me thinking because sometimes she has panic attacks or refuses to do something that is necessary and no amount of talking will get through to her. She said "because nothing else seems to work, maybe that will."
The reason it made me think is because I get like that. Not in the same way all the time, but even as a Dom sometimes I have panic attacks that I cannot be shaken from without a thorough slap, and I would never consider that abuse, it's the only method that works is all. As a sub sometimes I get very self-abusive and neglect myself, because of being sbused by my previous D's, and I fully agree with her reasoning as a submissive - sometimes the only way to make me wake up and stop being fucking stupid is a good slap.
So we had this discussion and had some trouble because of the double standard of whoever is dominant being allowed to hit the submissive, but not the other way around. We finally decided that since both of us have a tendency to have panic attacks that we can't be otherwise pulled from, these rules go both ways. If the dominant one is having a freakout or something and absolutely everything else has been tried and nothing else works, the submissive is allowed to slap them to snap them out of it. But only after everything else has been tried.
Finally, we came up with a simple and concise rule as to what exactly for the two of us counts as abuse in our relationship.
Anything outside of sex-play that will mark the skin for more than a few hours counts as abuse, excepting a slap containing sharp fingernails. Pinching anything except nipples also counts as abuse, because it severely sets off kitten due to abuse from an ex of hers (well sort of an ex, it's complicated).
So punching and kicking and caning are all definitely abuse. Scratching her while slapping her is okay but only to be used in really severe situations. Slapping is fine so long as it isn't a really hard slap. This all goes for the reverse and is okay for her to do to me as well, whether I am D or s at the time.
I have to be clear on something. We don't use physical things for punishment almost ever - instead we do things like writing lines, being ignored for periods of time (never ever days, or really ever more than an hour or two unless severe disobedience/breaking rules), being banned from tv and/or videogames; those are what we use as punishment, not things like cropping. Cropping is sex-play, not punishment (although yes, it can indeed be Funishment). This is only for extreme situations, we're not going to be going around slapping each other over minor shit. But when nothing will get through to the other person, this is what is allowed, that is the rule for what counts as abuse.
I felt like it should be clarified here out in public so not only do we know for ourselves, but if it ever comes up in the blog, and someone says something about it, we can link them to this and go "Here, this is what we consider the guideline, this is what we consensually decided for just between ourselves as to what counts for abuse and what doesn't."
I'll write something about how life has changed recently later on, because I want this to stand alone. Ta loveys.
Showing posts with label needs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label needs. Show all posts
Sunday, 15 June 2014
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
thoughts
luna has had an up and down few days. it's difficult being so dominant and suddenly finding out that for over a year you have really just been burying your submissive side down because you were too scared to submit.
It also leads to fears of things like what if luna prefers submission to dominance, what if luna is too submissive for Mistress Rachel's needs (which is very likely since luna was trained into being a doormat, essentially, so now Mistress has to re-train her into not being so incapable of ever arguing or complaining or denying her will even if it's bad for her/luna), and what if Mistress Rachel needs to be kitten and needs luna to be Mari at a time when she is incapable of it.
luna has been seriously worrying over all of these things and more, until first, Mistress totally reassured her that she thinks how in sync we are with each other will make things balance out, second Mistress pointed out that of course the first while is going to be luna needing to be luna because she has buried all of her submissive needs for years basically, and third, luna started finishing one of her absolute favourite webcomics called Girly. she is reaching a point where (SPOILER ALERT) the "sidekick" had gotten tired of being the sidekick and let badness overtake her. The "leader" decided that if that was the case, then she would become the sidekick and let her sidekick be the leader until any point which they decided to switch back, if ever. (END SPOILER)
The ease of it, how simple and easily the transition went... really reassured luna. Mistress had said earlier that she thought she might have been getting worn out with being the sub all the time, and certainly frustrated with being unable to order luna to do things when she was being indecisive. Even as a domme, Mari is very indecisive because the whole of her life until she was about 19 she never ever had to make a single decision on her own. her father and mother decided what clothes and toys and food and films and everything else she ever owned or did. whenever she was doing things notinolving her parents or family she allowed her friends to make the decisions. and then entered a D/s relationship with someone who was not a very good D and turned abusive in the end and turned her into a doormat who couldn't think for herself until she realised she was nearing a point where she would rather kill herself than continue living that way.
Both sides of Marina, D and s, are crazy indecisive and often put off making decisions until the thought of them, even tiny ones, drives her into severe panic attacks. luna being luna means that if ever Mistress wants to make a decision for Mari, like ordering her to do something that she is putting off but has to do, she can just say "luna, do (insert here)" and luna will obey almost immediately. That is probably the only good thing about her doormat training. Rachel now has a stable way of making Marina do things she is indecisive about without having to worry about overstepping her bounds.
This is all very frightening for both parts of Marina because change is scary as hell, but slowly she is beginning to feel more and more and more like this is right.
Okay that being over with now onto the fun part of the blog.
OMIGOSH LUNA NEVER THOUGHT BEING HYPNOTISED WAS POSSIBLE.
Like, seriously. even now, even with concrete proof, she half-fears she is just somehow faking it or something without realising it. Crazy.
It was so fun though. And highly fucking arousing. luna loooooves feeling so helpless to Mistress' will and it makes luna squirmy and so incredibly wet whenever Mistress puts her under. It really makes luna want Mistress to use her and torture her and do all kinds of naughty things with her, no matter the taboo. (Well, within limits. No amount of hypnosis will make luna into toilet stuff or vomiting or being spat upon. None whatsoever. Which is all well and good because Mistress isn't into it either.) And Mistress basically like... Spent the whole of luna's day while Mistress was awake, dropping luna into and out of trance. Apparently as a submissive luna is highly suggestible. Mistress tried the trigger she inset into luna on Mari just to see if it'd work, sneaky girl, and it DID omigosh. Mari fought it but ended up dropping off, and was able to fight it less each time it was used. Kind of scary but a good scary, and very weird and totally crazy. Scary because despite fighting it Mari likes the idea of her pet having such control over her in a way even though it's hard and frightening to admit that because it means even as a domme she likes the idea of submission.
Anyhow, luna kept waking up feeling so tingly and floaty, and unless Mistress clarified totally woken up and aware, fuzzy and not sleepy but almost-drowsy. Like she had just woken up from the best nap but was still in the process of waking up.
luna would go into more detail of the hypnosis but does not have permission to make herself cum, refuses to cheat by switching to being dominant, and would be put into a state of nearly unbearable arousal if she went into more details of it.
Which is hilarious really since luna very rarely needs or wants to physically orgasm - it's a sign of what a huge thing the hypnosis is for this relationship that it can put her into such a state both doing the entrancing and being entranced.
So yeah. That's it for now, more to come in the future - hopefully the next post will be by Mari, and not luna, but who knows what the future holds!
Ta, lovies~!
~luna <3
It also leads to fears of things like what if luna prefers submission to dominance, what if luna is too submissive for Mistress Rachel's needs (which is very likely since luna was trained into being a doormat, essentially, so now Mistress has to re-train her into not being so incapable of ever arguing or complaining or denying her will even if it's bad for her/luna), and what if Mistress Rachel needs to be kitten and needs luna to be Mari at a time when she is incapable of it.
luna has been seriously worrying over all of these things and more, until first, Mistress totally reassured her that she thinks how in sync we are with each other will make things balance out, second Mistress pointed out that of course the first while is going to be luna needing to be luna because she has buried all of her submissive needs for years basically, and third, luna started finishing one of her absolute favourite webcomics called Girly. she is reaching a point where (SPOILER ALERT) the "sidekick" had gotten tired of being the sidekick and let badness overtake her. The "leader" decided that if that was the case, then she would become the sidekick and let her sidekick be the leader until any point which they decided to switch back, if ever. (END SPOILER)
The ease of it, how simple and easily the transition went... really reassured luna. Mistress had said earlier that she thought she might have been getting worn out with being the sub all the time, and certainly frustrated with being unable to order luna to do things when she was being indecisive. Even as a domme, Mari is very indecisive because the whole of her life until she was about 19 she never ever had to make a single decision on her own. her father and mother decided what clothes and toys and food and films and everything else she ever owned or did. whenever she was doing things notinolving her parents or family she allowed her friends to make the decisions. and then entered a D/s relationship with someone who was not a very good D and turned abusive in the end and turned her into a doormat who couldn't think for herself until she realised she was nearing a point where she would rather kill herself than continue living that way.
Both sides of Marina, D and s, are crazy indecisive and often put off making decisions until the thought of them, even tiny ones, drives her into severe panic attacks. luna being luna means that if ever Mistress wants to make a decision for Mari, like ordering her to do something that she is putting off but has to do, she can just say "luna, do (insert here)" and luna will obey almost immediately. That is probably the only good thing about her doormat training. Rachel now has a stable way of making Marina do things she is indecisive about without having to worry about overstepping her bounds.
This is all very frightening for both parts of Marina because change is scary as hell, but slowly she is beginning to feel more and more and more like this is right.
Okay that being over with now onto the fun part of the blog.
OMIGOSH LUNA NEVER THOUGHT BEING HYPNOTISED WAS POSSIBLE.
Like, seriously. even now, even with concrete proof, she half-fears she is just somehow faking it or something without realising it. Crazy.
It was so fun though. And highly fucking arousing. luna loooooves feeling so helpless to Mistress' will and it makes luna squirmy and so incredibly wet whenever Mistress puts her under. It really makes luna want Mistress to use her and torture her and do all kinds of naughty things with her, no matter the taboo. (Well, within limits. No amount of hypnosis will make luna into toilet stuff or vomiting or being spat upon. None whatsoever. Which is all well and good because Mistress isn't into it either.) And Mistress basically like... Spent the whole of luna's day while Mistress was awake, dropping luna into and out of trance. Apparently as a submissive luna is highly suggestible. Mistress tried the trigger she inset into luna on Mari just to see if it'd work, sneaky girl, and it DID omigosh. Mari fought it but ended up dropping off, and was able to fight it less each time it was used. Kind of scary but a good scary, and very weird and totally crazy. Scary because despite fighting it Mari likes the idea of her pet having such control over her in a way even though it's hard and frightening to admit that because it means even as a domme she likes the idea of submission.
Anyhow, luna kept waking up feeling so tingly and floaty, and unless Mistress clarified totally woken up and aware, fuzzy and not sleepy but almost-drowsy. Like she had just woken up from the best nap but was still in the process of waking up.
luna would go into more detail of the hypnosis but does not have permission to make herself cum, refuses to cheat by switching to being dominant, and would be put into a state of nearly unbearable arousal if she went into more details of it.
Which is hilarious really since luna very rarely needs or wants to physically orgasm - it's a sign of what a huge thing the hypnosis is for this relationship that it can put her into such a state both doing the entrancing and being entranced.
So yeah. That's it for now, more to come in the future - hopefully the next post will be by Mari, and not luna, but who knows what the future holds!
Ta, lovies~!
~luna <3
Oh snap (ft. lists)
Massive things to talk about here people.
MASSIVE THING NUMBER ONE
Ok so for most of the last three days I have been in the position of Mistress. One tiny awesome thing about that is being called by my birth name, because although Mari had her reasons it was a little sad for me that she never used 'Rachel'. Now the bigger awesome things are:
MASSIVE THING NUMBER ONE
Ok so for most of the last three days I have been in the position of Mistress. One tiny awesome thing about that is being called by my birth name, because although Mari had her reasons it was a little sad for me that she never used 'Rachel'. Now the bigger awesome things are:
- I got to find out what a damn good Domme I can be
- I got to fulfil more of Mari/luna's fantasies
- I feel less bad about the times where I feel the need to give luna orders for her own good
These last few days have been fucking incredible and really fucking hard too. We've had fun and been so happy and comfortable with each other in these new roles but there have also been a few difficult moments. We both had a few worries to be worked out like whether this was really the best thing for our relationship or whether we'll be able to take care of each others needs well enough. We both agree though that this felt too right for us to just stop for baseless fears. A few times over the last few days I have needed to be submissive again and we switched back effortlessly, although one of those times I didn't really need to be submissive I just needed luna to comfort me but I couldn't recognise that. This is a learning experience for us both and I'm absolutely certain that we can deal with any issues that arise. I know that luna has had very bad experiences in relationships where she has acted as the submissive, but those times the relationship was over or practically over by this point. Also, I am fairly certain I'm one of her more stable partners >.>
I'm so proud of the name I came up with for my pet, luna, it is perfect for several reasons:
- All this stuff began under the light of a full moon
- luna has a particular affinity for the moon
- Princess Luna is best pony
- Fuck yeah Luna Lovegood
I've been kinda drunk on power, I get to call her stuff and order her around and I feel like a kid in a sweet shop because there's so much I can do now and it makes luna seem a lot more settled. I'm so glad that she's gotten to express this side of her because I often wondered how burying it was affecting her, even though at first I didn't want to see her be submissive for my own selfish reasons.
PRACTICALLY BROBDINGNAGIAN THING NUMBER TWO
Gods I have always wanted to use that word.
I SPENT MOST OF THIS EVENING HYPNOTISING LUNA
I know she's mentioned before that she thought I was a good subject but FUCK if I'm good she is nigh on perfect. In just a couple of hours she has:
- Gone really super deep
- Taken suggestions to take to hypnosis more easily
- Been in a light trance while interacting with others, AND LIKE AN ACTUAL VISITOR NOT JUST FAMILY
- Been able to forget things said in trance
- Taken on a trance trigger
And my attempt at hypnotising yesterday was the first time I ever hypnotised anyone so yeah she is a damn good suggestible girl holy shit. At one point I left her to take herself deeper, got back and she didn't even know where she was and would take anything I said as gospel. It was beautiful.
A post about my life in general will probably come soon but this is it for now.
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Battling instability
So, back before I created this blog, back before I met kitten, back before florida happened... I was a mask. Or several, really. Marina didn't exist back then. What existed was a person who could not feel emotions because the trauma from being raped multiple times when she was ten made her cut them out of her. Total apathy. Laughter? False. Crying? Only physical pain, and incredibly horrible pain at that. Excitement? A facade. Sadness? What sadness? What fear?
The only thing I genuinely felt for at least three years of my life, was loneliness. Not your normal loneliness. It was like this all-encompassing hole of nothing swallowing me and making me see, every single day of my life, that I was completely, totally alone. That no one I knew understood me or would ever understand me because it was literally impossible for them to do so. So I made masks. I faked emotion. I was never happy, never sad, never angry, never upset, never scared.
Until I hit sixteen. See, I got a real bad case of walking pneumonia when I was fifteen, and was on a regimen of a narcotic cough suppressant to help keep me out of the hospital. Unfortunately it started bringing back memories of things, some good, some bad, that had happened to me as young as 3. I woke up from the dreams confused and befuddled, and convinced that they couldn't have happened to me.
Until I started asking my mom about them. And sure enough, every single dream I brought to her attention was something that was a memory. Of course, some things, like being raped, I didn't mention and didn't want to accept that had happened to me. Unfortunately all this culinated in an explosion. Very shortly before I hit sixteen years old, my masks broke, failed me, and I started feeling things again.
Can you imagine the agony emotions were to me after so long without them? Especially when, the moment I started experiencing emotions, I was experiencing severe bipolarity? I swung wildly back and forth between suicidal depression and dangerous mania. I felt anger so bad that I almost broke my sister's arm in a fit of rage. I was completely unequipped to deal with even normal emotions at this point of my life, and instead of even getting the opportunity to get used to it I was thrust into completely unpredictable instability.
Of course, eventually I learned to deal. Yeah, "dealing" included cutting and other forms of self-injury, "dealing" included becoming a kleptomaniac and thrill-seeker. But at least I wasn't succumbing to the suicidal thoughts any more (I have actively attempted suicide at least three times in my life, and listlessly attempted to waste away more times than I can count), and at least I had an outlet for the extra energy my mania gave me rather than allowing my anger to take control of me and hurt people.
No, it wasn't right, but it was better than what could have happened. It was better than what happened in florida, where I was abused, molested at knifepoint, raped, homeless on multiple occasions, had to steal just to survive. Just to eat. I've gone three weeks eating only one very small meal each week. I've never had to sleep on the street but I couchsurfed on the couches of total strangers for a month and a half. I let my boyfriend use me and his best friends abuse me, and repeatedly left somewhat stable situations in order to be with him, only to be kicked out weeks later.
I've been completely disconnected from any means of possible help and only by the grace of the divine managed to escape that hellhole with my life intact.
And that hole never went away. No matter how many friends I had, no matter who I loved, who I got into relationships with. Until suddenly it was gone one day and I realised that somehow it was kitten, the one person I actively pushed away and tried to avoid getting into a relationship with, that filled it.
The problem is, I'm not used to it being filled up. All those bad habits of pushing people away when I get into unpleasant moods, for their sake and mine both, they still exist.
What do you do when habit tells you to push someone away even though you know that it wont fix the problem? What do you do when even though you want to tell someone to stay, you order them to leave, and they have no choice but to obey you because you don't give them any other choice?
More importantly, how do you break these habits and form healthier ones?
I feel very lost and torn right now. I don't know what to do. I've been through so much shit in my life, more in my 27 years than most people experience in 90, and all my friends come to me for advice and I can help them just fine. I always have the right answers.. so why can't I find the right answers for myself?
I don't know what to do, and that's a really hard thing for me to admit.
The only thing I genuinely felt for at least three years of my life, was loneliness. Not your normal loneliness. It was like this all-encompassing hole of nothing swallowing me and making me see, every single day of my life, that I was completely, totally alone. That no one I knew understood me or would ever understand me because it was literally impossible for them to do so. So I made masks. I faked emotion. I was never happy, never sad, never angry, never upset, never scared.
Until I hit sixteen. See, I got a real bad case of walking pneumonia when I was fifteen, and was on a regimen of a narcotic cough suppressant to help keep me out of the hospital. Unfortunately it started bringing back memories of things, some good, some bad, that had happened to me as young as 3. I woke up from the dreams confused and befuddled, and convinced that they couldn't have happened to me.
Until I started asking my mom about them. And sure enough, every single dream I brought to her attention was something that was a memory. Of course, some things, like being raped, I didn't mention and didn't want to accept that had happened to me. Unfortunately all this culinated in an explosion. Very shortly before I hit sixteen years old, my masks broke, failed me, and I started feeling things again.
Can you imagine the agony emotions were to me after so long without them? Especially when, the moment I started experiencing emotions, I was experiencing severe bipolarity? I swung wildly back and forth between suicidal depression and dangerous mania. I felt anger so bad that I almost broke my sister's arm in a fit of rage. I was completely unequipped to deal with even normal emotions at this point of my life, and instead of even getting the opportunity to get used to it I was thrust into completely unpredictable instability.
Of course, eventually I learned to deal. Yeah, "dealing" included cutting and other forms of self-injury, "dealing" included becoming a kleptomaniac and thrill-seeker. But at least I wasn't succumbing to the suicidal thoughts any more (I have actively attempted suicide at least three times in my life, and listlessly attempted to waste away more times than I can count), and at least I had an outlet for the extra energy my mania gave me rather than allowing my anger to take control of me and hurt people.
No, it wasn't right, but it was better than what could have happened. It was better than what happened in florida, where I was abused, molested at knifepoint, raped, homeless on multiple occasions, had to steal just to survive. Just to eat. I've gone three weeks eating only one very small meal each week. I've never had to sleep on the street but I couchsurfed on the couches of total strangers for a month and a half. I let my boyfriend use me and his best friends abuse me, and repeatedly left somewhat stable situations in order to be with him, only to be kicked out weeks later.
I've been completely disconnected from any means of possible help and only by the grace of the divine managed to escape that hellhole with my life intact.
And that hole never went away. No matter how many friends I had, no matter who I loved, who I got into relationships with. Until suddenly it was gone one day and I realised that somehow it was kitten, the one person I actively pushed away and tried to avoid getting into a relationship with, that filled it.
The problem is, I'm not used to it being filled up. All those bad habits of pushing people away when I get into unpleasant moods, for their sake and mine both, they still exist.
What do you do when habit tells you to push someone away even though you know that it wont fix the problem? What do you do when even though you want to tell someone to stay, you order them to leave, and they have no choice but to obey you because you don't give them any other choice?
More importantly, how do you break these habits and form healthier ones?
I feel very lost and torn right now. I don't know what to do. I've been through so much shit in my life, more in my 27 years than most people experience in 90, and all my friends come to me for advice and I can help them just fine. I always have the right answers.. so why can't I find the right answers for myself?
I don't know what to do, and that's a really hard thing for me to admit.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Polyamory?
So I just finished reading this entry on Pygar's blog. Before anyone reads this I suggest they go read that post and the article linked to in it.
I started writing a comment but it grew long-winded since polyamory is a subject very close to my heart, being that I am poly myself.
In direct answer to the questions asked I would say this: Yes, I have had failed poly relationships, mostly because of self-centrism (I'll talk about that in this blog post); I think the article is interesting and should be read by more people, because it smacks of truth and from a biological standpoint it is highly accurate; I believe polyamory is most natural but being repressed; and finally, in my experience gender is not as much of an issue as sexuality. Most heterosexual people I have met have been the least open to polyamorous relationships, with bisexual and pansexual people being the most open.
Being pansexual myself probably lends itself to partly of why I am so polyamorous.
Let me explain that. For those who don't know, pansexuality is basically saying fuckitall to gender. That isn't saying pansexuals can't have a preference (mine runs towards femininity, be it male, female, trans, queer, or whatever), but gender is like hair colour to us. I don't care if you're a brunette or a redhead or have vividly purple hair, in fact in the latter case I'd probably just ask where you got it done. The same goes with gender. I personally feel like limiting myself to a specific set of genders is limiting who I can love. And loving someone is the most wonderful feeling on earth, so why on earth would I place a limit on who I can love?
The same goes with my polyamory. I love to love. I feel like I have so much love to give to other people that it seems unfair to both myself and anyone who cares for me to limit myself. Some people would say it's selfishness but I say it's the opposite - there is no double standard here. I have three people I romantically love aside from my kitten and they are all more tied to other people than myself. Good for them. I want their happiness with whomever they choose, even or especially if it isn't me.
If my kitten ever found a playmate she wanted, found someone she loved and wanted to get into a relationship with, I would encourage it. (In fact I have done this before.) I want her to be happy and if limiting herself to only me means she is less happy then I refuse to do that to her. Maxiekitten is my biggest love and the most important to me, but all of my others are very, very important to me as well and I love them all equally. The only reason I love them less is because they in turn love me less than who they are also with. It levels and equals out.
Now, the part of my post that is more in line with Pygar's question of whether monogamy or polyamory was more natural. I think it sort of differs. Certainly among animals monogamy is less natural. But humans have slowly developed a culture where monogamy is prevalent.
But it wasn't always so. Monogamy is a pretty recent thing, historically speaking, and if you want to disagree just read the damn bible of all things. Polygamy's everywhere in the old testament, and was widely accepted as how things were done. I think the world's culture moving to being more self-centric (everything is all about "me", "me", "me" - "my" wants, "my" needs, "my" desires, making sure "I" get fulfilled firstly and more importantly to anything else) is what makes polyamory harder.
It's becoming about not wanting to share. I am poly. I am also in a somewhat monogamous relationship because my love is not poly, not completely so anyways. There are people in my life that I have had for longer than her, and she is perfectly accepting of them and understanding, so long as I don't shove it in her face. She is also open to the idea of having a playmate, but scared of fully sharing me. I am not looking for anyone else, firstly because I respect her fears and second because, honestly, I am the luckiest person on earth to have so much love in my life, it would be selfish to ask for even more and I am content with what I have.
It's like we feel that sharing leads to losing, somehow. Personally I think it's the opposite. As I stated before, I am polyamorous partly because I am a giving person. I have all this love inside of me, how could I be so selfish as to focus it on one person and one person alone? How could I be so selfish as to expect the people I love more than anything to selfishly focus only on me and not find more and more happiness? If my kitten ever found someone she loved and wanted me to share her with, I would gladly accept it, as I said before. I would encourage it. Because it is selfish of me to do otherwise.
And yes, by doing so I risk becoming less important to her, but you know what?
It's more important to me that she be as happy as she can possibly be, than it is that I be the most important person in her life. Because to me, that is what love is about. Wanting someone to be happy and to make them happy more than you want anything else.
And I think that monogamy stands in the way of that because of how we see it as a society as the be-all and end-all of relationships. I do NOT think monogamy is wrong. I think monogamy is perfectly and exactly what some people need to be happy. I do however think that how society views it in general is detrimental to the happiness of every person who could possibly be poly and is being held back because it's "unacceptable".
The biggest hindrance to relationships of any kind is dishonesty, and I think that dishonesty to oneself is even worse than dishonesty to one's partner(s). And with how we view monogamy it is very hard for poly people to be honest with themselves about their leanings, which leads to cheating, lacking communication, and broken hearts.
Okay I should probably shut up now before I go on another rant, hahaha. Pygar, I want to thank you for such a great post and great questions to answer, it really inspired me.
I started writing a comment but it grew long-winded since polyamory is a subject very close to my heart, being that I am poly myself.
In direct answer to the questions asked I would say this: Yes, I have had failed poly relationships, mostly because of self-centrism (I'll talk about that in this blog post); I think the article is interesting and should be read by more people, because it smacks of truth and from a biological standpoint it is highly accurate; I believe polyamory is most natural but being repressed; and finally, in my experience gender is not as much of an issue as sexuality. Most heterosexual people I have met have been the least open to polyamorous relationships, with bisexual and pansexual people being the most open.
Being pansexual myself probably lends itself to partly of why I am so polyamorous.
Let me explain that. For those who don't know, pansexuality is basically saying fuckitall to gender. That isn't saying pansexuals can't have a preference (mine runs towards femininity, be it male, female, trans, queer, or whatever), but gender is like hair colour to us. I don't care if you're a brunette or a redhead or have vividly purple hair, in fact in the latter case I'd probably just ask where you got it done. The same goes with gender. I personally feel like limiting myself to a specific set of genders is limiting who I can love. And loving someone is the most wonderful feeling on earth, so why on earth would I place a limit on who I can love?
The same goes with my polyamory. I love to love. I feel like I have so much love to give to other people that it seems unfair to both myself and anyone who cares for me to limit myself. Some people would say it's selfishness but I say it's the opposite - there is no double standard here. I have three people I romantically love aside from my kitten and they are all more tied to other people than myself. Good for them. I want their happiness with whomever they choose, even or especially if it isn't me.
If my kitten ever found a playmate she wanted, found someone she loved and wanted to get into a relationship with, I would encourage it. (In fact I have done this before.) I want her to be happy and if limiting herself to only me means she is less happy then I refuse to do that to her. Maxiekitten is my biggest love and the most important to me, but all of my others are very, very important to me as well and I love them all equally. The only reason I love them less is because they in turn love me less than who they are also with. It levels and equals out.
Now, the part of my post that is more in line with Pygar's question of whether monogamy or polyamory was more natural. I think it sort of differs. Certainly among animals monogamy is less natural. But humans have slowly developed a culture where monogamy is prevalent.
But it wasn't always so. Monogamy is a pretty recent thing, historically speaking, and if you want to disagree just read the damn bible of all things. Polygamy's everywhere in the old testament, and was widely accepted as how things were done. I think the world's culture moving to being more self-centric (everything is all about "me", "me", "me" - "my" wants, "my" needs, "my" desires, making sure "I" get fulfilled firstly and more importantly to anything else) is what makes polyamory harder.
It's becoming about not wanting to share. I am poly. I am also in a somewhat monogamous relationship because my love is not poly, not completely so anyways. There are people in my life that I have had for longer than her, and she is perfectly accepting of them and understanding, so long as I don't shove it in her face. She is also open to the idea of having a playmate, but scared of fully sharing me. I am not looking for anyone else, firstly because I respect her fears and second because, honestly, I am the luckiest person on earth to have so much love in my life, it would be selfish to ask for even more and I am content with what I have.
It's like we feel that sharing leads to losing, somehow. Personally I think it's the opposite. As I stated before, I am polyamorous partly because I am a giving person. I have all this love inside of me, how could I be so selfish as to focus it on one person and one person alone? How could I be so selfish as to expect the people I love more than anything to selfishly focus only on me and not find more and more happiness? If my kitten ever found someone she loved and wanted me to share her with, I would gladly accept it, as I said before. I would encourage it. Because it is selfish of me to do otherwise.
And yes, by doing so I risk becoming less important to her, but you know what?
It's more important to me that she be as happy as she can possibly be, than it is that I be the most important person in her life. Because to me, that is what love is about. Wanting someone to be happy and to make them happy more than you want anything else.
And I think that monogamy stands in the way of that because of how we see it as a society as the be-all and end-all of relationships. I do NOT think monogamy is wrong. I think monogamy is perfectly and exactly what some people need to be happy. I do however think that how society views it in general is detrimental to the happiness of every person who could possibly be poly and is being held back because it's "unacceptable".
The biggest hindrance to relationships of any kind is dishonesty, and I think that dishonesty to oneself is even worse than dishonesty to one's partner(s). And with how we view monogamy it is very hard for poly people to be honest with themselves about their leanings, which leads to cheating, lacking communication, and broken hearts.
Okay I should probably shut up now before I go on another rant, hahaha. Pygar, I want to thank you for such a great post and great questions to answer, it really inspired me.
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Just A Little Something From me
I am struggling. Like, really struggling.
The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me.
Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that.
Except I do.
I know exactly where I fit.
Right at my Mistress' feet.
This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed.
(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)
The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study.
When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.
I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.
The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me.
Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that.
Except I do.
I know exactly where I fit.
Right at my Mistress' feet.
This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed.
(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)
The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study.
When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.
I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
When you can't be there.
Sometimes, especially in an LDR, but also in any sort of relationship, life gets in the way. You have a migraine or your allergies are acting up or you have an unexpected project at work or an extra assignment for class or you are freaking out. A death or illness in the family, unexpected plans you forgot about or didn't know about and can't get out of. Shopping trip takes too long, you suddenly aren't in the mood, internet is unreliable (living on a mountain and dealing with satellite internet and a pos computer, that is frequent for me), or you get sick, depressed, exhausted.
These things happen to us rather frequently and I have found that the key to making things work is communication and understanding. kitten is very good at the latter, even when she gets bratty about it sometimes, she is a very understanding person and knows that sometimes even when she needs me most, I can't be there for her and is very good at accepting when I can't, for the most part.
Right now (Note: actually, when I began writing this. I ended up going to bed shortly after without posting due to circumstances beyond my control. It has been two days since I started this post and I am just now getting to finishing it.), is one of those times. I have a horrid headache, and she has an exam, and while I would normally spend this time comforting and calming her, my ability to focus on things is not up to par at the moment. There is a lag between messages, it is raining out and so the internet isn't great to begin with, and this old, run-down laptop that I am using is just not working it's best. But she has been a wonderful sport about it all, and incredibly understanding of my situation, because she knows what is wrong.
In any relationship dynamic, but especially in D/s dynamics, it can be difficult to fess up that shit is going down. It can be difficult to say "I'm sorry, but something came up" or "I have a really bad headache, which is why I am not talking as much" because it is admitting weakness and lack of control over your own life or your own body.
Sometimes our hands are "forced" and we have little choice in the matter, but I think the word force should not be there. I think that it is important to "'fess up" promptly and without fear of being seen as weak, because let's face it; it's easier on your partner to one, know that you are also not perfect, and two, know that it isn't them that's the problem.
A disconnect in communication, this false idea that people are perfect and able to handle everything thrown at them, especially if the person in question is a Dom/me, is a fatal flaw in any relationship, of any kind, but especially romantic ones. Because if you can't be wrong, if you can't be weak, or you can't be having a shit day and be able to just tell them, then everything falls on them - the blame, the repercussions, and the guilt and self-doubt.
No one can handle that sort of burden, no matter how close to perfection they may seem to be.
These things happen to us rather frequently and I have found that the key to making things work is communication and understanding. kitten is very good at the latter, even when she gets bratty about it sometimes, she is a very understanding person and knows that sometimes even when she needs me most, I can't be there for her and is very good at accepting when I can't, for the most part.
Right now (Note: actually, when I began writing this. I ended up going to bed shortly after without posting due to circumstances beyond my control. It has been two days since I started this post and I am just now getting to finishing it.), is one of those times. I have a horrid headache, and she has an exam, and while I would normally spend this time comforting and calming her, my ability to focus on things is not up to par at the moment. There is a lag between messages, it is raining out and so the internet isn't great to begin with, and this old, run-down laptop that I am using is just not working it's best. But she has been a wonderful sport about it all, and incredibly understanding of my situation, because she knows what is wrong.
In any relationship dynamic, but especially in D/s dynamics, it can be difficult to fess up that shit is going down. It can be difficult to say "I'm sorry, but something came up" or "I have a really bad headache, which is why I am not talking as much" because it is admitting weakness and lack of control over your own life or your own body.
Sometimes our hands are "forced" and we have little choice in the matter, but I think the word force should not be there. I think that it is important to "'fess up" promptly and without fear of being seen as weak, because let's face it; it's easier on your partner to one, know that you are also not perfect, and two, know that it isn't them that's the problem.
A disconnect in communication, this false idea that people are perfect and able to handle everything thrown at them, especially if the person in question is a Dom/me, is a fatal flaw in any relationship, of any kind, but especially romantic ones. Because if you can't be wrong, if you can't be weak, or you can't be having a shit day and be able to just tell them, then everything falls on them - the blame, the repercussions, and the guilt and self-doubt.
No one can handle that sort of burden, no matter how close to perfection they may seem to be.
Thursday, 23 May 2013
If it ain't broke, don't fix it...right?
But what if it IS broken. Or breaking? Or changing in inconceivably enormous ways that are scary and unprecedented and worrisome, but completely, wholly, and totally needed?
Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.
We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.
Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.
There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.
This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.
So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.
But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else. This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".
Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.
It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.
Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3
Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.
We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.
Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.
There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.
This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.
So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.
But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else. This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".
Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.
It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.
Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Dominance, submission, and hypnosis.
kitten and I have, as of late, been using hypnosis to further her submission. Looking back, I think we had reached a roadblock because I was not really doing things properly, partially by being overcautious.
See, neither kitten nor myself wish for a doormat. I want kitten to still be the little spitfire she can be, I want kitten to still be able to tell me to fuck off when need be and to be able to stand up for herself around others. Including other Dom/mes. But kitten pointed out to me recently, as in today, that she was worried because I was increasing her submission and obedience in general - was worried that she would start being like that for everyone.
Suddenly, I realised, oh, duh. My kitten doesn't want to submit to everyone. My kitten only wants to submit to me. So I promised her from then on I would clarify that she was to deepen her obedience and submission to me.
There had been plans made for a session tonight that got interrupted by forgotten family plans, which was understood. And the proper session I had in mind just wasn't possible when, after taking a "short" nap, it turned out it had been five hours passed and I had slept through alarm. So instead we "settled" (because sessions and maulings are equally enjoyed, just differently so) for sex. And more sex. And suddenly something happened and I put her under.
It was quite unexpected. Quite as in incredibly, very much, out of the ballpark, unexpected. I found myself feeling much more confident as I took her deeper, as I ordered her to submit and obey and as she, immediately, became completely receptive to my commands when I added "to Mistress" and "to me" to the end of them.
To me it felt as if instead of saying "Yes" acceptingly and willingly like she had before, she was screaming "YES! FINALLY!" and embracing it with her whole being.
It felt right. And I took her deeper. And deeper. And deeper. And she became more and more receptive, more and more willing, more and more eager. Especially as I clarified even more, that her submission to me would not hold her back - it would make her more confident, more driven, more powerful in her daily life.
The session ended with both of us feeling so much better. I found out (I cannot help but brag about this) that she came physically without having to use an outside hypnosis video, which is such a rare and precious and wonderful thing to me. She told me she felt calm. Settled. Stable, even. It ended with me having for the first time experienced topspace and feeling so damn confident and right that it was almost scary! I also experienced a very short topdrop which she helped me through and was quickly back to my normal weird self.
I lamented not having put the usual trigger of thinking of me and then suggested I put her to bed since it was half 2 in the morning there. We decided together that it would be a voice session this time, and I put her to sleep and instilled the trigger of thinking of me and then made it so that the trigger would strengthen with each use. Making her calm, relaxed, happy. Submissive to me, obedient to me, open to my will. Cause all negative emotions to just roll over her, crash against her and piddle away as if they were nothing. Bad choice of words, that, I meant to say dissipate but couldn't find the word and decided on a slang definition of piddle to be a suitable substitution for the time being.
Of course this will never be complete. The trigger works but it cannot magically fix everything.
But I have so much more hope than before and that seems impossible because I had a FUCKTON of hope before now. I just feel so concretely secure that things will be better for both of us now. Maybe it's false hope. Maybe I'm just being weird. Idek. I feel like we have gotten past a block somehow that neither of us really knew was there, and I am hoping and praying that what I feel is right and that this helps because the more she submits to me the happier she seems to get and all I want is my kitten to be happy.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
Being There
I've learned, over time, that a large part of what makes any relationship (especially D/s and other TTWD dynamics) work is simply paying attention to your partner. To their thoughts and ideas. Their needs and wants. Just being there for them.
Even, or maybe especially, in an online or long distance relationship, being there is not just important, but utterly and completely necessary. I say "or maybe", because I have seen far too many in person, face-to-face relationships that didn't work out because of a refusal to do the exact thing I will be talking about in this post, and have experienced it myself.
If you aren't there, how will you know their innermost fears? Their hopes and desires? That the most important thing for them right now is to be loved? That right at this moment the only thing they crave from you is attention/affection/sex/cuddles/a shoulder to cry on/someone to listen to (or to them)?
You can't know this if you aren't there. And being in a LDR, even across countries, does not mean that being there is impossible. Especially when there are things like blogging, which can allow partners to express their thoughts in long-form after much thinking, without interruption and without as much bias as there is in the heat of the moment (or with that bias, when necessary). As well as services such as GTalk (which, did you know, allows for text messaging if one partner has access to a computer?), AIM, Y!M, and Skype. Hearing someone's voice at the end of an exhausting and depressing day can be such a lift. Seeing their face, even, watching that brilliant soft smile light up their features when they realise that they get to see you again; it doesn't have to be limited to in person or in the same country relationships.
When we have things like Google Drive and Dropbox which can share folders, files, voice and/or videos recordings, pictures, and even allow for (in the former case) simultaneous collaborative file editing.
The latter two I find especially important in my particular dynamic because I monitor her schedule. I make sure she is getting her studying done on time, doing enough of it, and getting to bed at a decent time (we are still working on this >.>;;; 5 hour time differences and insomniac tendencies do not make for easy sleep patterns). I make sure she gets her homework and revision done, and she gets treats and rewards in the form of hours to be spent with me doing anything she wishes.
Whether it be cybering or snuggling (intensive snuggling/makeouts - I am very freely affectionate with her anyhow so that has never been asked for, hahaha) or hypnotism or play sessions or whatever else, it is her time to be spent. Half of it is, anyways. The other half is to be spent how I want, so that the hours actually get spent, because I know my kitten has a hard time asking for things she needs, much less wants. Plus, she wishes to serve and submit to me and asking or demanding that her treats be spent a certain way is not submitting, to her. I think it can be when done a certain way but that is just one thing we compromise on.
It has taken a while to finally achieve the balance we have, and none of it would have been even the slightest bit possible if I did not take time out every single day to at least check up on her, if not spend a few hours with her.
More frequently, we are constantly connected, constantly talking. Instant messaging, texting, calling through skype, we are almost always together and it suits us well - but we aren't so attached that we have to talk constantly to be secure. We can spend days with only a short few messages sent between us to check up on and make sure our partner is doing fine.
The point is, despite being so far apart, I am there for her to the absolute best of my ability, and she the same for me. We communicate, we listen, we give affection, and sometimes we will just be on call, saying nothing, relaxing together.
I know many couples that live together cannot say the same, and I know that my first D/s dynamic (More like M/s, with me as the slave) relationship was in person for the most part, even living together, and we largely fell apart not due to incompatibility or even physical abuse, but to neglect. To him not being there for me even when I was being abused (physically, but only to a minor extent, and much more so psychologically) by his friends. To him not trusting or listening to me, not taking time out to make sure my needs were met.
Much (not all, not even most, but definitely some) of the blame is my own, though, because I did not think (or was afraid to admit) that it was wrong of him to treat me like that. So I allowed the treatment. I thought that as his possession he could do with me as he wanted, and allowed the use and psychological abuse, thinking that it was fine - normal, even.
BDSM and TTWD should never be abusive; SSC or RACK, whichever your flavour, should be followed at all times, and I will never disagree with that. But more important than those things, to me, is remembering that neglect is a form of abuse as well, and not being there for your partner will ultimately end in a ruined friendship, relationship, and possibly even a broken person who has to clean up after him or her self because the one person who could help them either would/will not, or has broken their trust so badly that it it would never be allowed even if they were willing.
So more than just keeping a relationship working and running smoothly as possible, whether online, long distance, or in person, being there is possibly the most important thing in a relationship. Especially because "Being There" encompasses so many varied things within a relationship, not just one small aspect that might easily fall by the wayside.
Even, or maybe especially, in an online or long distance relationship, being there is not just important, but utterly and completely necessary. I say "or maybe", because I have seen far too many in person, face-to-face relationships that didn't work out because of a refusal to do the exact thing I will be talking about in this post, and have experienced it myself.
If you aren't there, how will you know their innermost fears? Their hopes and desires? That the most important thing for them right now is to be loved? That right at this moment the only thing they crave from you is attention/affection/sex/cuddles/a shoulder to cry on/someone to listen to (or to them)?
You can't know this if you aren't there. And being in a LDR, even across countries, does not mean that being there is impossible. Especially when there are things like blogging, which can allow partners to express their thoughts in long-form after much thinking, without interruption and without as much bias as there is in the heat of the moment (or with that bias, when necessary). As well as services such as GTalk (which, did you know, allows for text messaging if one partner has access to a computer?), AIM, Y!M, and Skype. Hearing someone's voice at the end of an exhausting and depressing day can be such a lift. Seeing their face, even, watching that brilliant soft smile light up their features when they realise that they get to see you again; it doesn't have to be limited to in person or in the same country relationships.
When we have things like Google Drive and Dropbox which can share folders, files, voice and/or videos recordings, pictures, and even allow for (in the former case) simultaneous collaborative file editing.
The latter two I find especially important in my particular dynamic because I monitor her schedule. I make sure she is getting her studying done on time, doing enough of it, and getting to bed at a decent time (we are still working on this >.>;;; 5 hour time differences and insomniac tendencies do not make for easy sleep patterns). I make sure she gets her homework and revision done, and she gets treats and rewards in the form of hours to be spent with me doing anything she wishes.
Whether it be cybering or snuggling (intensive snuggling/makeouts - I am very freely affectionate with her anyhow so that has never been asked for, hahaha) or hypnotism or play sessions or whatever else, it is her time to be spent. Half of it is, anyways. The other half is to be spent how I want, so that the hours actually get spent, because I know my kitten has a hard time asking for things she needs, much less wants. Plus, she wishes to serve and submit to me and asking or demanding that her treats be spent a certain way is not submitting, to her. I think it can be when done a certain way but that is just one thing we compromise on.
It has taken a while to finally achieve the balance we have, and none of it would have been even the slightest bit possible if I did not take time out every single day to at least check up on her, if not spend a few hours with her.
More frequently, we are constantly connected, constantly talking. Instant messaging, texting, calling through skype, we are almost always together and it suits us well - but we aren't so attached that we have to talk constantly to be secure. We can spend days with only a short few messages sent between us to check up on and make sure our partner is doing fine.
The point is, despite being so far apart, I am there for her to the absolute best of my ability, and she the same for me. We communicate, we listen, we give affection, and sometimes we will just be on call, saying nothing, relaxing together.
I know many couples that live together cannot say the same, and I know that my first D/s dynamic (More like M/s, with me as the slave) relationship was in person for the most part, even living together, and we largely fell apart not due to incompatibility or even physical abuse, but to neglect. To him not being there for me even when I was being abused (physically, but only to a minor extent, and much more so psychologically) by his friends. To him not trusting or listening to me, not taking time out to make sure my needs were met.
Much (not all, not even most, but definitely some) of the blame is my own, though, because I did not think (or was afraid to admit) that it was wrong of him to treat me like that. So I allowed the treatment. I thought that as his possession he could do with me as he wanted, and allowed the use and psychological abuse, thinking that it was fine - normal, even.
BDSM and TTWD should never be abusive; SSC or RACK, whichever your flavour, should be followed at all times, and I will never disagree with that. But more important than those things, to me, is remembering that neglect is a form of abuse as well, and not being there for your partner will ultimately end in a ruined friendship, relationship, and possibly even a broken person who has to clean up after him or her self because the one person who could help them either would/will not, or has broken their trust so badly that it it would never be allowed even if they were willing.
So more than just keeping a relationship working and running smoothly as possible, whether online, long distance, or in person, being there is possibly the most important thing in a relationship. Especially because "Being There" encompasses so many varied things within a relationship, not just one small aspect that might easily fall by the wayside.
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Hypnosis
Hypnosis.
The very word gives a thrill through one's body – be it of skepticism, arousal, fear, disbelief, wonderment, excitement, disdain.. It always elicits a reaction when brought up.
I am a hypnotist – of a sort. I am no professional, and I make no claims about being able to put anyone under, bend their will to my own, make them obey my every command. That is, frankly, impossible. Unless the subject is willing (even if only subconsciously so), they cannot be made to do anything at all whatsoever.
But I am her hypnotist. The feeling of submission my kitten gets when she goes under, when I am in such intimate, all-encompassing control of her, the feeling of obedience that bending her to my will gives her... Well, frankly, she needs it.
I do not say this in a power-trip fantasy. She has told me herself that she does, recently, and keeping that in mind I have been tending more to her needs, as well as my own.
She has always been into hypnosis and has been wonderful at guiding me into this foray. I stepped into hypnosis due to a slight interest, and largely her own interest, which she somewhat understated at the time.
Imagine, to my surprise, when the first time I finally tried it out on her.... it worked. Now, keep in mind, as I have said, I am no professional. I have never tried hypnosis on anyone but my kitten and never plan to try it on anyone else. I am her hypnotist and hers alone.
Anyhow... the first time led to a second. And a third. I found that I enjoyed it, it thrilled me in the most wonderful way. I was overcautious at first, and with good reason. An untried hypnotist can get into trouble. I started slow. Recently things have begun speeding up between us in general and I have found that I fear going too far, even as much as I feel that this is so very necessary...
But the control. The control on my part and lack of it on hers. The trust; that she will not allow me to go too far, and that I will not take things too far. Her submission and obedience to the fact that I can and will do what is best for her. The complete thrill of realising that with just one word I can take all of her worries and fears away...
I don't just want it any more. I need it too. Possibly as much as she does.
And I can finally say that I rejoice in that fact, and have accepted that it is no bad thing to need to control her in the way that she needs to be controlled.
This revelation came about today during a particularly intense session in which I realised that lacking control and being forced or compelled to submit to my will could be not only intensely pleasurable for her but also a release for her... and that it was also intensely pleasurable for me and a release for me to put her into that situation I had her in.
Needless to say this was not the last time a session such as that will happen, and even as she spends the entirety of her day being brought back to focus on her submission to me, I will spend the entirety of my day being brought back to my dominance over her, and to how wonderful it is to finally be finding our balance.
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