luna has had an up and down few days. it's difficult being so dominant and suddenly finding out that for over a year you have really just been burying your submissive side down because you were too scared to submit.
It also leads to fears of things like what if luna prefers submission to dominance, what if luna is too submissive for Mistress Rachel's needs (which is very likely since luna was trained into being a doormat, essentially, so now Mistress has to re-train her into not being so incapable of ever arguing or complaining or denying her will even if it's bad for her/luna), and what if Mistress Rachel needs to be kitten and needs luna to be Mari at a time when she is incapable of it.
luna has been seriously worrying over all of these things and more, until first, Mistress totally reassured her that she thinks how in sync we are with each other will make things balance out, second Mistress pointed out that of course the first while is going to be luna needing to be luna because she has buried all of her submissive needs for years basically, and third, luna started finishing one of her absolute favourite webcomics called Girly. she is reaching a point where (SPOILER ALERT) the "sidekick" had gotten tired of being the sidekick and let badness overtake her. The "leader" decided that if that was the case, then she would become the sidekick and let her sidekick be the leader until any point which they decided to switch back, if ever. (END SPOILER)
The ease of it, how simple and easily the transition went... really reassured luna. Mistress had said earlier that she thought she might have been getting worn out with being the sub all the time, and certainly frustrated with being unable to order luna to do things when she was being indecisive. Even as a domme, Mari is very indecisive because the whole of her life until she was about 19 she never ever had to make a single decision on her own. her father and mother decided what clothes and toys and food and films and everything else she ever owned or did. whenever she was doing things notinolving her parents or family she allowed her friends to make the decisions. and then entered a D/s relationship with someone who was not a very good D and turned abusive in the end and turned her into a doormat who couldn't think for herself until she realised she was nearing a point where she would rather kill herself than continue living that way.
Both sides of Marina, D and s, are crazy indecisive and often put off making decisions until the thought of them, even tiny ones, drives her into severe panic attacks. luna being luna means that if ever Mistress wants to make a decision for Mari, like ordering her to do something that she is putting off but has to do, she can just say "luna, do (insert here)" and luna will obey almost immediately. That is probably the only good thing about her doormat training. Rachel now has a stable way of making Marina do things she is indecisive about without having to worry about overstepping her bounds.
This is all very frightening for both parts of Marina because change is scary as hell, but slowly she is beginning to feel more and more and more like this is right.
Okay that being over with now onto the fun part of the blog.
OMIGOSH LUNA NEVER THOUGHT BEING HYPNOTISED WAS POSSIBLE.
Like, seriously. even now, even with concrete proof, she half-fears she is just somehow faking it or something without realising it. Crazy.
It was so fun though. And highly fucking arousing. luna loooooves feeling so helpless to Mistress' will and it makes luna squirmy and so incredibly wet whenever Mistress puts her under. It really makes luna want Mistress to use her and torture her and do all kinds of naughty things with her, no matter the taboo. (Well, within limits. No amount of hypnosis will make luna into toilet stuff or vomiting or being spat upon. None whatsoever. Which is all well and good because Mistress isn't into it either.) And Mistress basically like... Spent the whole of luna's day while Mistress was awake, dropping luna into and out of trance. Apparently as a submissive luna is highly suggestible. Mistress tried the trigger she inset into luna on Mari just to see if it'd work, sneaky girl, and it DID omigosh. Mari fought it but ended up dropping off, and was able to fight it less each time it was used. Kind of scary but a good scary, and very weird and totally crazy. Scary because despite fighting it Mari likes the idea of her pet having such control over her in a way even though it's hard and frightening to admit that because it means even as a domme she likes the idea of submission.
Anyhow, luna kept waking up feeling so tingly and floaty, and unless Mistress clarified totally woken up and aware, fuzzy and not sleepy but almost-drowsy. Like she had just woken up from the best nap but was still in the process of waking up.
luna would go into more detail of the hypnosis but does not have permission to make herself cum, refuses to cheat by switching to being dominant, and would be put into a state of nearly unbearable arousal if she went into more details of it.
Which is hilarious really since luna very rarely needs or wants to physically orgasm - it's a sign of what a huge thing the hypnosis is for this relationship that it can put her into such a state both doing the entrancing and being entranced.
So yeah. That's it for now, more to come in the future - hopefully the next post will be by Mari, and not luna, but who knows what the future holds!
Ta, lovies~!
~luna <3
Showing posts with label hypnosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hypnosis. Show all posts
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Oh snap (ft. lists)
Massive things to talk about here people.
MASSIVE THING NUMBER ONE
Ok so for most of the last three days I have been in the position of Mistress. One tiny awesome thing about that is being called by my birth name, because although Mari had her reasons it was a little sad for me that she never used 'Rachel'. Now the bigger awesome things are:
MASSIVE THING NUMBER ONE
Ok so for most of the last three days I have been in the position of Mistress. One tiny awesome thing about that is being called by my birth name, because although Mari had her reasons it was a little sad for me that she never used 'Rachel'. Now the bigger awesome things are:
- I got to find out what a damn good Domme I can be
- I got to fulfil more of Mari/luna's fantasies
- I feel less bad about the times where I feel the need to give luna orders for her own good
These last few days have been fucking incredible and really fucking hard too. We've had fun and been so happy and comfortable with each other in these new roles but there have also been a few difficult moments. We both had a few worries to be worked out like whether this was really the best thing for our relationship or whether we'll be able to take care of each others needs well enough. We both agree though that this felt too right for us to just stop for baseless fears. A few times over the last few days I have needed to be submissive again and we switched back effortlessly, although one of those times I didn't really need to be submissive I just needed luna to comfort me but I couldn't recognise that. This is a learning experience for us both and I'm absolutely certain that we can deal with any issues that arise. I know that luna has had very bad experiences in relationships where she has acted as the submissive, but those times the relationship was over or practically over by this point. Also, I am fairly certain I'm one of her more stable partners >.>
I'm so proud of the name I came up with for my pet, luna, it is perfect for several reasons:
- All this stuff began under the light of a full moon
- luna has a particular affinity for the moon
- Princess Luna is best pony
- Fuck yeah Luna Lovegood
I've been kinda drunk on power, I get to call her stuff and order her around and I feel like a kid in a sweet shop because there's so much I can do now and it makes luna seem a lot more settled. I'm so glad that she's gotten to express this side of her because I often wondered how burying it was affecting her, even though at first I didn't want to see her be submissive for my own selfish reasons.
PRACTICALLY BROBDINGNAGIAN THING NUMBER TWO
Gods I have always wanted to use that word.
I SPENT MOST OF THIS EVENING HYPNOTISING LUNA
I know she's mentioned before that she thought I was a good subject but FUCK if I'm good she is nigh on perfect. In just a couple of hours she has:
- Gone really super deep
- Taken suggestions to take to hypnosis more easily
- Been in a light trance while interacting with others, AND LIKE AN ACTUAL VISITOR NOT JUST FAMILY
- Been able to forget things said in trance
- Taken on a trance trigger
And my attempt at hypnotising yesterday was the first time I ever hypnotised anyone so yeah she is a damn good suggestible girl holy shit. At one point I left her to take herself deeper, got back and she didn't even know where she was and would take anything I said as gospel. It was beautiful.
A post about my life in general will probably come soon but this is it for now.
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Happy presents day!
A belated Merry Christmas to anyone who reads our corner of the blogosphere!
I bought a present for kitten and I with some of the money I got for Christmas. Well, two presents really. First, I got a pair of couples necklaces from amazon with an amazon gift card, although that was really the second gift I got for both of us. It's just not the one I intend to focus on in this post.
The second thing I got for both of us, is I got myself a steel pocket watch. Brushed steel on the back, shiny steel on the front, with a lovely chain and no designs on it whatsoever. Plain and simple. I bought it with two things in mind: one, that I adore pocket watches, and two, that it would be a perfect tool for entrancing kitten with.
As I have mentioned before, I am certain, I have set a trigger into kitten so that she goes into a light trance whenever she hears or sees me say or type out "Entrance". It has to be capitalised, and it has to be either in a script or recording if it isn't real time. We used various methods to get this trigger into effectiveness but now it's permanent, or seems to be, anyways.
So yesterday I went about explaining my plans to kitten and she jumped onboard with fervour. We worked out how best to set the trigger in for the watch entrancing her and successive sightings of it pulling her deeper, and tried it out. Now, let me be clear here. I intended on repeating the process near-daily until it stuck. I wasn't planning for it to work immediately and neither was she.
Imagine my surprise when suddenly I pulled out the watch, dangled it in front of my webcam, and she dropped off, her breathing levelling out and deepening, and obviously went into a trance, and not a really light one, either.
I proceeded to utterly torture her with it, forcing her to go deeper and deeper and at one point had her cumming practically nonstop for nearly five minutes, making her cum harder with each successive sighting as she was dragged deeper.
It was a beauty to behold, and I wish her cam had been on but she's very iffy about being on cam and I try not to force her to be on cam too much. That doesn't mean I let her always hide away off-camera but it does mean that I don't usually push the issue if she's obviously having a hard time of it. (That leads me to another point for later in the post today.)
Now, there's a strong likelihood that the trigger isn't permanent and I have intentions to continue the trigger insertion process, but differently this time. We are going to test out the watch as daily as possible and when the initial trance becomes noticeably lighter then I will retrain her with the trigger and continue on like that until it is permanent even if there are several days between using the watch.
Today was the first trial and the watch worked beautifully. It set her into a light, but not so light she would be woken up too easily, trance and each successive viewing sent her deeper and deeper. Right now as I type she is in a trance, relaxing and enjoying the trance and excape from the stress of being around her family on Boxing Day when they all get together and everyone who couldn't make it to Christmas dinner has dinner together with the rest of the family. Well. She was. She just got called by her stupid family and it woke her up but I suppose that just means I get a chance to use the watch again to reinforce that she will be calm and relaxed and happy the rest of the day.
Now, onto second point! Last night kitten and I had some serious issues over her disobeying a direct order to keep her camera on. It led to a huge misunderstanding and she spent twenty minutes writing lines and mostly being ignored by me as I tried to figure out why on earth she would disobey me so badly. It turned out that it wasn't a trust issue like I thought but an avoidance issue because she was nearly being set into an anxiety attack from noticing she had cam on and hadn't realised it - she knows that sometimes I will continue to make her do something she is uncomfortable with if it is for her own good (tricky phrase, I know, but so far I have never pushed too far, and I am awfully careful about making sure it really is for her own good and not just my own wants) and wanted to avoid asking me if she could turn her camera off because she thought I might say no.
I explained that if she just tells me that she is nearing an anxiety attack or being set off by something I am asking her to do, I am not going to force the issue. I also explained to her that if she uses the excuse too often I will look a lot more closely at her using it, but we both know she won't. She doesn't lie to me like that, in part because she knows my policy on honesty and that lying is a relationship-breaker for me, and in part because there's really no need to lie. The few times she has lied to me she did it so blatantly that I caught her out immediately, and she admitted that she wanted me to catch her.
Finally, an update on my using the watch again. It worked great and she is feeling good right now. Let's just hope it lasts like it should!!! I spent fifteen minutes reinforcing that she would be happy, content, relaxed, and calm, no matter what happened during the day. So yeah, that's today's update!
I bought a present for kitten and I with some of the money I got for Christmas. Well, two presents really. First, I got a pair of couples necklaces from amazon with an amazon gift card, although that was really the second gift I got for both of us. It's just not the one I intend to focus on in this post.
The second thing I got for both of us, is I got myself a steel pocket watch. Brushed steel on the back, shiny steel on the front, with a lovely chain and no designs on it whatsoever. Plain and simple. I bought it with two things in mind: one, that I adore pocket watches, and two, that it would be a perfect tool for entrancing kitten with.
As I have mentioned before, I am certain, I have set a trigger into kitten so that she goes into a light trance whenever she hears or sees me say or type out "Entrance". It has to be capitalised, and it has to be either in a script or recording if it isn't real time. We used various methods to get this trigger into effectiveness but now it's permanent, or seems to be, anyways.
So yesterday I went about explaining my plans to kitten and she jumped onboard with fervour. We worked out how best to set the trigger in for the watch entrancing her and successive sightings of it pulling her deeper, and tried it out. Now, let me be clear here. I intended on repeating the process near-daily until it stuck. I wasn't planning for it to work immediately and neither was she.
Imagine my surprise when suddenly I pulled out the watch, dangled it in front of my webcam, and she dropped off, her breathing levelling out and deepening, and obviously went into a trance, and not a really light one, either.
I proceeded to utterly torture her with it, forcing her to go deeper and deeper and at one point had her cumming practically nonstop for nearly five minutes, making her cum harder with each successive sighting as she was dragged deeper.
It was a beauty to behold, and I wish her cam had been on but she's very iffy about being on cam and I try not to force her to be on cam too much. That doesn't mean I let her always hide away off-camera but it does mean that I don't usually push the issue if she's obviously having a hard time of it. (That leads me to another point for later in the post today.)
Now, there's a strong likelihood that the trigger isn't permanent and I have intentions to continue the trigger insertion process, but differently this time. We are going to test out the watch as daily as possible and when the initial trance becomes noticeably lighter then I will retrain her with the trigger and continue on like that until it is permanent even if there are several days between using the watch.
Today was the first trial and the watch worked beautifully. It set her into a light, but not so light she would be woken up too easily, trance and each successive viewing sent her deeper and deeper. Right now as I type she is in a trance, relaxing and enjoying the trance and excape from the stress of being around her family on Boxing Day when they all get together and everyone who couldn't make it to Christmas dinner has dinner together with the rest of the family. Well. She was. She just got called by her stupid family and it woke her up but I suppose that just means I get a chance to use the watch again to reinforce that she will be calm and relaxed and happy the rest of the day.
Now, onto second point! Last night kitten and I had some serious issues over her disobeying a direct order to keep her camera on. It led to a huge misunderstanding and she spent twenty minutes writing lines and mostly being ignored by me as I tried to figure out why on earth she would disobey me so badly. It turned out that it wasn't a trust issue like I thought but an avoidance issue because she was nearly being set into an anxiety attack from noticing she had cam on and hadn't realised it - she knows that sometimes I will continue to make her do something she is uncomfortable with if it is for her own good (tricky phrase, I know, but so far I have never pushed too far, and I am awfully careful about making sure it really is for her own good and not just my own wants) and wanted to avoid asking me if she could turn her camera off because she thought I might say no.
I explained that if she just tells me that she is nearing an anxiety attack or being set off by something I am asking her to do, I am not going to force the issue. I also explained to her that if she uses the excuse too often I will look a lot more closely at her using it, but we both know she won't. She doesn't lie to me like that, in part because she knows my policy on honesty and that lying is a relationship-breaker for me, and in part because there's really no need to lie. The few times she has lied to me she did it so blatantly that I caught her out immediately, and she admitted that she wanted me to catch her.
Finally, an update on my using the watch again. It worked great and she is feeling good right now. Let's just hope it lasts like it should!!! I spent fifteen minutes reinforcing that she would be happy, content, relaxed, and calm, no matter what happened during the day. So yeah, that's today's update!
Monday, 1 July 2013
My first story on here, I suppose.
I'm aching to write something creative about my kitten and I. So, I think it shall be done here, in this place. I usually write in third person when writing creatively but tonight is just a first person kinda night.
Just in case it isn't clear, in this little bit of fiction kitten has been listening to a hypnosis recording I made for her and just finishing it as I enter the room. When spoken or written by me in a certain context, "Entrance" is a trigger that will, as it implies, pull her into a trance. It can also be used to triple her depth at the end of my recordings, and keep her from waking from a trance. We have actually been using this trigger for quite some time now.
Similarly, "Awaken" wakes her up; said once it awakens her into a light trance, said twice it awakens her completely. As with Entrance, we have been using this trigger for quite a while.
It should also be said that whilst in trance, kitten is not completely lacking any willpower of her own. If I ask her to do something she is not subconsciously open to doing, able to do, or wanting to do, she will not do it. Even if she is so deep she cannot manage to speak a single word.
Oh yeah, also, duh. This is fiction. And, just in case it wasn't already clear... This will get very NSFW, y'all.
---
As I walk into the bedroom, she is waiting for me. Eyes half open, earphones in her ears, her phone held loosely in one hand as she lays against the numerous pillows on the bed, lost in a world of my making. The moment I see her, deep and waiting for my touch, the rest of the room around me ceases to exist. There is no plush carpeting, for I walk on air. The black vanity and soft forest green lounge do not exist because they are not the bed.
As I touch the moss green canopy of my large bed she blinks, turning towards me. Upon seeing me she begins to awaken, but I immediately put a stop to that, sliding behind her and pulling her into my lap, biting her shoulder, then pulling out her earphones and whispering into her ear the trigger that will take her deeper, pull her under again faster, and leave her helpless to my will.
"Entrance."
Her body sags against mine, and I cannot help but purr, stroking one hand down her arm, my hand cupping hers as my thumb drags circles around her palm - circles and spirals being one of our time-tested ways of dragging her deeper and deeper and deeper. After I place her phone on the nightstand, I speak again, my voice soft and low from strictly controlled desire.
"Deeper, kitten. Let my touch take you deeper, let my voice take you deeper, go further than you have ever been into your wonderful state of blissful entrancement... How do you feel right now, precious?"
The answer is not immediate, as she struggles to gain her senses enough to speak. "Mnhh.. g-good, Mistress."
I pause, pleased with her response, as I lick over the edge of her ear, gently dragging my teeth over the skin before beginning to kiss softly down her neck. "Would kitten like Mistress to make her feel even better?"
Again, her answer is not immediate, but eventually words are whimpered out, between a soft panting gasp and a soft moan, the only things that outwardly show her arousal, although from experience I know that she must be soaked beyond belief. "Nnnyesss Mistress, please..."
Today is a day for her. I get much pleasure from having her in trance, so malleable to my will. But it must be said that there is not a lot of participating that kitten can manage, whilst in the deepest depths of trance. And to be frank that is fine with me. She is, for a time, helpless to my will, and the fact that she trusts me so while in that state is a thrill and delight, and I work hard to never make her trust misplaced.
That being said, today is still a day for her. I will not be focusing on pleasuring myself, but on bringing my kitten to new heights of pleasure she has yet to experience. Pushing the limits on what she can get pleasure from, and deepening the effectiveness of the trigger I have inset that allows her to cum on command.
"Arms up, kitten."
She does as told, and I pull her shirt off of her, tossing it into the laundry basket before unclasping her bra, sliding it from her body, and tossing it into the basket as well. Then I push her arms down to lay on my thighs as I gently lift her hips up, pushing her jeans down her hips before pulling them off fully. I leave her undwear on, after stroking her crotch softly to reassure myself of it's dampness. "Damp" does not even begin to cover how wet she is, and I smirk, moving my arms around her and pulling her closer to me as my hands cup her breasts softly.
My thumbs begin to spiral around her nipples as I hold her heavy breasts in my palms, and I begin to guide her with my voice again. "There's a good girl, precious. That's it. Relax into me... I know you are aroused beyond belief.. but it can go further, kitten. I want you to relax... and close your eyes... and feel the spirals my thumbs are drawing on your breasts. That's right, focus on those lovely spirals and let them pull you deeper, let them make you even more relaxed, and even more aroused...."
The spirals of my thumbs around her breasts continue, as my palms begin to squeeze the soft flesh gently. "If you weren't so deep for me, if you weren't so deliciously relaxed for your Mistress, the arousal would be achingly intense. But as it is, despite the arousal growing more.. and more... and more overwhelming, you are too relaxed for it to ache. Instead of aching you simply crave your Mistress' touch in whatever manner she decides to give it to you."
The soft massaging of my palms, the light touch of my thumbs, the caressing breath against her ear, my thighs against hers, my breasts and stomach pressed into her back... every touch that originates from me is pushing her further into intense arousal, the pleasure coiling in her core until, suddenly, I grab her nipples and pinch them with just the right amount of pressure, growling out an order into her ear. "Cum!"
Her breathing quickens and she cries out, her body arching against mine as she shakes and shudders, the intense orgasm washing over her until she relaxes into me again, whimpering and panting as I let her nipples go with a purr, stroking my hands over her breasts gently before moving them to her soft stomach, my fingertips all moving in circular spiral motions. "Such a good girl! Yes, there's such a wonderfully obedient and submissive kitten for me. Did that feel good, precious?"
It takes less time for her to answer now, and I know that her orgasm probably woke her up some from her depths of trance, and keep in mind to fix that lapse. "Nnnhh yessss Mistress."
"Good. Now, kitten, focus on my fingertips. There are ten wonderful touches, spiralling around, each circular motion taking you deeper and deeper and deeper, pulling you under under under into a wonderful trance. You are floating in a pool of arousal now, just gently floating as my touch begins to build up that wonderfully relaxed arousal once more. Each touch intensifying it. Even my breath and the sound of my voice, pulling you deeper, pushing you into higher levels of intense need and arousal. Floating in a sea of submission and obedience to Mistress alone. Just floating in pure bliss and happiness and relaxation... Feel my body against yours, feel my fingertips against your skin and focus on them, because they make you so deep, they make you feel so very good.. and this time, this time, when you orgasm for Mistress.. instead of waking you up it will take you deeper."
She gasps at that, and I smirk, pressing soft kisses up her neck to her ear before licking the edge of it again, my warm breath caressing the wet skin. "Yes, that's right. The harder you orgasm, the deeper you will go, and the more I touch you, the closer you get. You want to go even deeper don't you, kitten? So deep into trance, so highly aroused, so wonderfully enwrapped in complete bliss and ecstasy. So just focus on my touch, focus on feeling me take you deeper.. and deeper... and deeper."
Time does not exist, as we lay there. As I press soft kisses against her neck and shoulder, switching sides every so often. As my fingers continue to trace soft circular spirals against her stomach. As my tongue darts out to lick her skin, only to breathe hot air against the moist spot before moving along. Her breathing deepens, levels out, and it is only when it starts to become shallower again that time starts again.
When each breath is punctuated with a whimper. When she begins to gasp softly every time my lips touch her skin. When she can't help but make soft, breathy noises nearly constantly. And then, one of my hands moves to her breasts, squeezing it gently as my palm grinds against her nipple, as I order it again.
"Cum, kitten."
This time she is quieter, gasping and panting and whimpering and moaning as she arches against me, the orgasm seeming to last forever before she finally collapses into me, still panting and gasping, but with deep, slow breaths and I know.. I know that it worked.
"You do not have to speak, kitten, you may just use your head. Have you ever been this deep before?"
She shakes her head, whimpering delightfully. "Do you feel amazing?"
She nods her head with a moan, instinctively rubbing her body back against mine in a gesture that can't possibly be conscious, as far under as she is.
"Do you want more?"
She hesitates, as if unable to decide, and I speak again. "I want one more orgasm from you kitten. I won't force it, but-"
I don't even have to finish as she nods frantically, rubbing her body against mine again. I chuckle softly, immensely pleased with her eager response as I kiss her cheek softly, stilling her head. "Okay, precious, I get it. Such a wonderful kitten I have, mmm."
I shift some, settling back into the numerous pillows on my bed as both of my hands slide down her sides and to her hips, slipping under the elastic band of her underwear before pushing the soft cotton briefs down her thighs and off of her body, holding them in front of her. The fabric is light blue, everywhere except the crotch, which is dark with wetness and practically dripping with her juices. "Wow, kitten. Just look at how aroused you've become for me, love."
She whimpers softly, and I toss the panties into the laundry basket, one hand cupping a breast as the other cups her crotch. She gasps at that, and I gently begin to rub, fingertips brushing through her soft pubic hair, just barely touching her skin. My other hand is playing heatedly with her breast now, thumb and index finger teasing her nipple, palm squeezing and massaging the supple flesh as my last three fingers resume the circles to drag her even further for me.
It takes almost no time for her to be reduced to a panting, whimpering puddle in my arms, and I delight in how eager she is for my touch, her hips trying desperately to press into my fingers. Finally, I give her what she is asking for, and slide my middle finger into her wet folds, causing a hungry moan to escape her plump lips.
The noise is just what I want to hear, and I slide another finger in, making her gasp and whimper as I curve them upwards, and begin rubbing along inside of her, my fingers seeking deeper and deeper until finally they find what they are looking for.. and they press down gently. She nearly begins to writhe from the touch, and as my fingers slide in and out of her heat they rub and push against her sensitive spot, until all she is doing is panting and moaning and bucking her hips helplessly upwards.
This time I am going to torture her, though. "You may not cum until I order it, kitten. Is that understood? Until I give the order, you cannot orgasm, and every time you think you are right there it will slowly subside just a bit. I am going to take you into depths of ecstasy you have never felt before, and you will have the most intense, overwhelming, and satisfying orgasm of your life."
The only response she gives is a "Yes", barely understood throughout her heated moans and whimpers.
When an order like that works, it is poetry to see and feel. Watching as her body tenses up, wondering if, despite the order, she will not be able to handle it, seeing as she relaxes just when you fear she might go over.. and then making it start again.
I bring her to the edge five times, my thumb circling around her clit, my hand on her breast, massaging it as I pinch and pull and roll her nipple between my fingers, my fingers deftly sliding in and out of her wetness. The sixth time she nears however, I move my mouth to her ear, breathing against it softly as she tenses, and suddenly... "Cum."
The word is soft, whispered into her ear, and yet the reaction is immediate and explosive as she nearly screams, her entire body afire with pleasure. I don't stop my movements at all, determined to make this orgasm last, and it works, as my thumb rubs over her clit, my fingers press repeatedly against her spot, and she arches against me for over a minute, until I finally remove my hand from her crotch. Then, and only then, does the relaxation start, as she melds her body with mine, panting and gasping heavily.
"Awaken, kitten. Awaken. "
I want her to feel the lingering end of her orgasm while she is conscious, and she gives a loud, satisfied moan as the trigger does as intended, bringing her straight into consciousness. My hands stroke over her body softly as I turn to the side, helping her turn to face me. She immediately latches onto me, nuzzling into my shoulder, sighing happily as she presses her body to me, just like a limpet clinging to a rock.
"Welcome back, limpetkitten." She giggles at the familiar nickname, and nuzzles even closer.
"Did you have fun, precious?"
She looks up at me, her soft brown eyes shining with happiness, sending my heart into the heavens. "Oh yes, Mistress. Thank you so very much. kitten had so much fun..." She nuzzles under my chin with a happy sigh, before continuing, the deep submission she has experienced and is still experiencing reflecting itself in her words. "kitten loves Mistress so much.. Thank you so much Mistress."
I smile happily, nuzzling her back as my fingers stroke through her hair and down her back, petting her softly. "I love you too, kitten. Thank you for being such a good girl."
I feel her smile against my neck, and feel her blushing softly as she cuddles closer to me, aided by my own arm tightening around her, as we lay there, contently just enjoying each other and the bliss of the moment. Perfection.
Just in case it isn't clear, in this little bit of fiction kitten has been listening to a hypnosis recording I made for her and just finishing it as I enter the room. When spoken or written by me in a certain context, "Entrance" is a trigger that will, as it implies, pull her into a trance. It can also be used to triple her depth at the end of my recordings, and keep her from waking from a trance. We have actually been using this trigger for quite some time now.
Similarly, "Awaken" wakes her up; said once it awakens her into a light trance, said twice it awakens her completely. As with Entrance, we have been using this trigger for quite a while.
It should also be said that whilst in trance, kitten is not completely lacking any willpower of her own. If I ask her to do something she is not subconsciously open to doing, able to do, or wanting to do, she will not do it. Even if she is so deep she cannot manage to speak a single word.
Oh yeah, also, duh. This is fiction. And, just in case it wasn't already clear... This will get very NSFW, y'all.
---
As I walk into the bedroom, she is waiting for me. Eyes half open, earphones in her ears, her phone held loosely in one hand as she lays against the numerous pillows on the bed, lost in a world of my making. The moment I see her, deep and waiting for my touch, the rest of the room around me ceases to exist. There is no plush carpeting, for I walk on air. The black vanity and soft forest green lounge do not exist because they are not the bed.
As I touch the moss green canopy of my large bed she blinks, turning towards me. Upon seeing me she begins to awaken, but I immediately put a stop to that, sliding behind her and pulling her into my lap, biting her shoulder, then pulling out her earphones and whispering into her ear the trigger that will take her deeper, pull her under again faster, and leave her helpless to my will.
"Entrance."
Her body sags against mine, and I cannot help but purr, stroking one hand down her arm, my hand cupping hers as my thumb drags circles around her palm - circles and spirals being one of our time-tested ways of dragging her deeper and deeper and deeper. After I place her phone on the nightstand, I speak again, my voice soft and low from strictly controlled desire.
"Deeper, kitten. Let my touch take you deeper, let my voice take you deeper, go further than you have ever been into your wonderful state of blissful entrancement... How do you feel right now, precious?"
The answer is not immediate, as she struggles to gain her senses enough to speak. "Mnhh.. g-good, Mistress."
I pause, pleased with her response, as I lick over the edge of her ear, gently dragging my teeth over the skin before beginning to kiss softly down her neck. "Would kitten like Mistress to make her feel even better?"
Again, her answer is not immediate, but eventually words are whimpered out, between a soft panting gasp and a soft moan, the only things that outwardly show her arousal, although from experience I know that she must be soaked beyond belief. "Nnnyesss Mistress, please..."
Today is a day for her. I get much pleasure from having her in trance, so malleable to my will. But it must be said that there is not a lot of participating that kitten can manage, whilst in the deepest depths of trance. And to be frank that is fine with me. She is, for a time, helpless to my will, and the fact that she trusts me so while in that state is a thrill and delight, and I work hard to never make her trust misplaced.
That being said, today is still a day for her. I will not be focusing on pleasuring myself, but on bringing my kitten to new heights of pleasure she has yet to experience. Pushing the limits on what she can get pleasure from, and deepening the effectiveness of the trigger I have inset that allows her to cum on command.
"Arms up, kitten."
She does as told, and I pull her shirt off of her, tossing it into the laundry basket before unclasping her bra, sliding it from her body, and tossing it into the basket as well. Then I push her arms down to lay on my thighs as I gently lift her hips up, pushing her jeans down her hips before pulling them off fully. I leave her undwear on, after stroking her crotch softly to reassure myself of it's dampness. "Damp" does not even begin to cover how wet she is, and I smirk, moving my arms around her and pulling her closer to me as my hands cup her breasts softly.
My thumbs begin to spiral around her nipples as I hold her heavy breasts in my palms, and I begin to guide her with my voice again. "There's a good girl, precious. That's it. Relax into me... I know you are aroused beyond belief.. but it can go further, kitten. I want you to relax... and close your eyes... and feel the spirals my thumbs are drawing on your breasts. That's right, focus on those lovely spirals and let them pull you deeper, let them make you even more relaxed, and even more aroused...."
The spirals of my thumbs around her breasts continue, as my palms begin to squeeze the soft flesh gently. "If you weren't so deep for me, if you weren't so deliciously relaxed for your Mistress, the arousal would be achingly intense. But as it is, despite the arousal growing more.. and more... and more overwhelming, you are too relaxed for it to ache. Instead of aching you simply crave your Mistress' touch in whatever manner she decides to give it to you."
The soft massaging of my palms, the light touch of my thumbs, the caressing breath against her ear, my thighs against hers, my breasts and stomach pressed into her back... every touch that originates from me is pushing her further into intense arousal, the pleasure coiling in her core until, suddenly, I grab her nipples and pinch them with just the right amount of pressure, growling out an order into her ear. "Cum!"
Her breathing quickens and she cries out, her body arching against mine as she shakes and shudders, the intense orgasm washing over her until she relaxes into me again, whimpering and panting as I let her nipples go with a purr, stroking my hands over her breasts gently before moving them to her soft stomach, my fingertips all moving in circular spiral motions. "Such a good girl! Yes, there's such a wonderfully obedient and submissive kitten for me. Did that feel good, precious?"
It takes less time for her to answer now, and I know that her orgasm probably woke her up some from her depths of trance, and keep in mind to fix that lapse. "Nnnhh yessss Mistress."
"Good. Now, kitten, focus on my fingertips. There are ten wonderful touches, spiralling around, each circular motion taking you deeper and deeper and deeper, pulling you under under under into a wonderful trance. You are floating in a pool of arousal now, just gently floating as my touch begins to build up that wonderfully relaxed arousal once more. Each touch intensifying it. Even my breath and the sound of my voice, pulling you deeper, pushing you into higher levels of intense need and arousal. Floating in a sea of submission and obedience to Mistress alone. Just floating in pure bliss and happiness and relaxation... Feel my body against yours, feel my fingertips against your skin and focus on them, because they make you so deep, they make you feel so very good.. and this time, this time, when you orgasm for Mistress.. instead of waking you up it will take you deeper."
She gasps at that, and I smirk, pressing soft kisses up her neck to her ear before licking the edge of it again, my warm breath caressing the wet skin. "Yes, that's right. The harder you orgasm, the deeper you will go, and the more I touch you, the closer you get. You want to go even deeper don't you, kitten? So deep into trance, so highly aroused, so wonderfully enwrapped in complete bliss and ecstasy. So just focus on my touch, focus on feeling me take you deeper.. and deeper... and deeper."
Time does not exist, as we lay there. As I press soft kisses against her neck and shoulder, switching sides every so often. As my fingers continue to trace soft circular spirals against her stomach. As my tongue darts out to lick her skin, only to breathe hot air against the moist spot before moving along. Her breathing deepens, levels out, and it is only when it starts to become shallower again that time starts again.
When each breath is punctuated with a whimper. When she begins to gasp softly every time my lips touch her skin. When she can't help but make soft, breathy noises nearly constantly. And then, one of my hands moves to her breasts, squeezing it gently as my palm grinds against her nipple, as I order it again.
"Cum, kitten."
This time she is quieter, gasping and panting and whimpering and moaning as she arches against me, the orgasm seeming to last forever before she finally collapses into me, still panting and gasping, but with deep, slow breaths and I know.. I know that it worked.
"You do not have to speak, kitten, you may just use your head. Have you ever been this deep before?"
She shakes her head, whimpering delightfully. "Do you feel amazing?"
She nods her head with a moan, instinctively rubbing her body back against mine in a gesture that can't possibly be conscious, as far under as she is.
"Do you want more?"
She hesitates, as if unable to decide, and I speak again. "I want one more orgasm from you kitten. I won't force it, but-"
I don't even have to finish as she nods frantically, rubbing her body against mine again. I chuckle softly, immensely pleased with her eager response as I kiss her cheek softly, stilling her head. "Okay, precious, I get it. Such a wonderful kitten I have, mmm."
I shift some, settling back into the numerous pillows on my bed as both of my hands slide down her sides and to her hips, slipping under the elastic band of her underwear before pushing the soft cotton briefs down her thighs and off of her body, holding them in front of her. The fabric is light blue, everywhere except the crotch, which is dark with wetness and practically dripping with her juices. "Wow, kitten. Just look at how aroused you've become for me, love."
She whimpers softly, and I toss the panties into the laundry basket, one hand cupping a breast as the other cups her crotch. She gasps at that, and I gently begin to rub, fingertips brushing through her soft pubic hair, just barely touching her skin. My other hand is playing heatedly with her breast now, thumb and index finger teasing her nipple, palm squeezing and massaging the supple flesh as my last three fingers resume the circles to drag her even further for me.
It takes almost no time for her to be reduced to a panting, whimpering puddle in my arms, and I delight in how eager she is for my touch, her hips trying desperately to press into my fingers. Finally, I give her what she is asking for, and slide my middle finger into her wet folds, causing a hungry moan to escape her plump lips.
The noise is just what I want to hear, and I slide another finger in, making her gasp and whimper as I curve them upwards, and begin rubbing along inside of her, my fingers seeking deeper and deeper until finally they find what they are looking for.. and they press down gently. She nearly begins to writhe from the touch, and as my fingers slide in and out of her heat they rub and push against her sensitive spot, until all she is doing is panting and moaning and bucking her hips helplessly upwards.
This time I am going to torture her, though. "You may not cum until I order it, kitten. Is that understood? Until I give the order, you cannot orgasm, and every time you think you are right there it will slowly subside just a bit. I am going to take you into depths of ecstasy you have never felt before, and you will have the most intense, overwhelming, and satisfying orgasm of your life."
The only response she gives is a "Yes", barely understood throughout her heated moans and whimpers.
When an order like that works, it is poetry to see and feel. Watching as her body tenses up, wondering if, despite the order, she will not be able to handle it, seeing as she relaxes just when you fear she might go over.. and then making it start again.
I bring her to the edge five times, my thumb circling around her clit, my hand on her breast, massaging it as I pinch and pull and roll her nipple between my fingers, my fingers deftly sliding in and out of her wetness. The sixth time she nears however, I move my mouth to her ear, breathing against it softly as she tenses, and suddenly... "Cum."
The word is soft, whispered into her ear, and yet the reaction is immediate and explosive as she nearly screams, her entire body afire with pleasure. I don't stop my movements at all, determined to make this orgasm last, and it works, as my thumb rubs over her clit, my fingers press repeatedly against her spot, and she arches against me for over a minute, until I finally remove my hand from her crotch. Then, and only then, does the relaxation start, as she melds her body with mine, panting and gasping heavily.
"Awaken, kitten. Awaken. "
I want her to feel the lingering end of her orgasm while she is conscious, and she gives a loud, satisfied moan as the trigger does as intended, bringing her straight into consciousness. My hands stroke over her body softly as I turn to the side, helping her turn to face me. She immediately latches onto me, nuzzling into my shoulder, sighing happily as she presses her body to me, just like a limpet clinging to a rock.
"Welcome back, limpetkitten." She giggles at the familiar nickname, and nuzzles even closer.
"Did you have fun, precious?"
She looks up at me, her soft brown eyes shining with happiness, sending my heart into the heavens. "Oh yes, Mistress. Thank you so very much. kitten had so much fun..." She nuzzles under my chin with a happy sigh, before continuing, the deep submission she has experienced and is still experiencing reflecting itself in her words. "kitten loves Mistress so much.. Thank you so much Mistress."
I smile happily, nuzzling her back as my fingers stroke through her hair and down her back, petting her softly. "I love you too, kitten. Thank you for being such a good girl."
I feel her smile against my neck, and feel her blushing softly as she cuddles closer to me, aided by my own arm tightening around her, as we lay there, contently just enjoying each other and the bliss of the moment. Perfection.
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Changes, changes, changes.
(Note: This post to be changed and edited as we go along, and possibly re-posted if things change enough.)
We would not be "us" without these things:
Maxie being more than "Just a pet", the fact that she is my Mate and my lover and my girlfriend.
The fact that Mistress is now taking control outside of sex and we are becoming closer to 24/7.
Hypnosis, now. That has to stay, it has become such an integral part of our relationship.
Incentives:
We would not be "us" without these things:
Maxie being more than "Just a pet", the fact that she is my Mate and my lover and my girlfriend.
The fact that Mistress is now taking control outside of sex and we are becoming closer to 24/7.
Hypnosis, now. That has to stay, it has become such an integral part of our relationship.
Incentives:
- Punishments: Defined - banning things, some physical punishments, and that ignoring is to be used for any sort of outright defiance, no matter how small. Ignoring is not to last more than several hours even for larger defiances. There will be no days-long ignorings in this relationship.
- Rewards: Currently in progress (we are not sure where these fit right now - they have to have some use but we are unsure of how to work that out as of yet.)
- Service: Defined (fluidly) - If Mistress wants to plan a session or scene out, it will be mentioned, and that if pet gets her studying done by such time or something, then Mistress will have her scene or session. Sessions would work best if aimed towards a goal and/or had direct pleasuring as an end result. "Physical" service without scene: e.g.: pet tied up and giving me oral or something like that. (note: anyone who disapproves of this keep in mind that we both wrote this and my kitten suggested that this would work better than how I had previously gone about doing things which was the focus being on her pleasure more than my own due to a misguided attempt to keep from being selfish and not focusing on her needs.)
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
I don't know...
...exactly where I want this post to go.
There is a lot of stuff that could be talked about, and a lot of stuff on my mind, so this one will probably be labelled with "rambling" because I suspect it will be very much me just rambling on about different things.
First off: Name change has gone out the window for now. It costs almost 160 dollars, and so it is something that will have to happen after I get on SSI disability (NOT social security - more on that, next, I suppose), assuming I do. Knowing this is a good thing, even though it sucks that it's so expensive - it is also incredibly straightforward. In Indiana you had to run a large notification in a big newspaper for three weeks in order to get your name changed, as well as jump through lots of hoops and hurdles and pay a large fee. Here it's just fill out papers, pay the fee, and then get copies so you can change Social Security card and Driver's License or ID, and anything else needing changed. I found out that unless I change my social security card I don't need to bother with anything else and both of those for food stamps and SafetyNet are a simple rescanning and change of information forms, it doesn't affect my status, so yay!
Now, on SSI: SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. For people who cannot work and have not been able to work enough to earn any chance of social security, there is SSI. It is similar to welfare, or benefits, or unemployment, only more permanent (sometimes) and harder to get into. I have not worked enough to earn much social security credit, and have not held a job in oh, what, seven years? because of mental and physical disability: tourette's syndrome being the physical; crippling social anxiety and severe bipolar as well as intense paranoia being the mental. We're working on getting me to a level of beieng able to just function on a daily basis with medication, but that is just functioning. That does not mean I will be able to go out and look for a job and survive with my physical and mental health intact if I manage to get a job. I have some very self-destructive tics, such as pulling my hair (out), scratching my arms (til they bleed), digging my nails into my skin (similarly, until it bleeds), biting my cheeks/lips/tongue (until bleeding)... and while I do not do them frequently, I also actively avoid any situation that might possibly set me off. I also do things like cut my nails to the quick every week to keep them short so that they have less chance of harming me, got my tongue pierced and actively switch my tic out to biting that instead of my cheeks/lips/tongue, keep toilet paper around to put between my nails and my arms...
I'm not one of those "lazy, just want to not work" people. I ache with self-detesting guilt sometimes, because I don't work, and from the idea that I am even considering trying to get on SSI; but it does not change the fact that I am, whether I think it most of the time or not, whether it outwardly seems so or not, pretty damn severely disabled. It is not that I do not want to work. It is that I cannot work a job that is stable, and trying to work from home is only something that would bring me lots of bad experience because phones are frightening, I cannot always summon the will to work, and depression is more frequent for me than mania so I would end up having a breakdown similar to the three I had while I tried to attend college (I have tried both online, and in person).
I need a way to support myself until I can get to a point of stability that I can find things to do to similarly support myself, if it is even possible. I need a way to support myself to even try. And that is where SSI comes in. I've already taken the first steps, being that of therapy and medication, and now we have to get in touch with the lawyer that we are using to help, and hopefully I will qualify. The fear is that I have a lot of things wrong that combine to be severe enough to disable me, but each thing on its own is not enough to qualify me as disabled. They have tests to check for a person's functionality, but what if those tests happen on a "good" day, or on a day when I am manic? What then? I can function fine when I am manic, even to the point of being a social butterfly at parties, but that is not an accurate portrayal of who I am on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis. Similarly, do I take my medicine? or go how I normally am? Could I even function enough to get to the testing without freaking out without it?
It's a long, arduous, and scary process. Everyone around me seems certain that it will happen, except myself. Everyone thinks I qualify easily, except myself. And I wonder if that in and of itself will be a hindrance because it's hard to convince someone else that you are disabled when you grew up being forcefully told you were not and cannot even convince yourself that you are.
-sigh- On and on, let's change topic shall we? kitten, you may not feel up to reading this part just yet so skip over it if you need since you already know most of this anyhow. Whenever I write another note in this colours you can just start reading again. <3
My appointment went well. My pdoc easily understood that the fact that medication works is scary, helped ease my fears, and did put me on a daily anti-anxiety - sort of. It's really a mood-stabiliser and anti-epileptic that has been shown to have great properties for aiding with severe anxiety, and just the fact that I have not even taken a whole xanax every day since friday shows that it works. Because my saphris is also a mood stabiliser as well as an anti-psychotic (to help with paranoia) she cut my dose in half, and because xanax is meant to be taken as emergency/as needed rather than as "need it to function" as I had been been taking it (note: I was not abusing it, and was told I could take it that way, but that is not how it should be taken and my pdoc is very smart and knows this) she also cut my dose from three pills a day allowed to two.
Not that I've needed them much. One day I didn't take any, being Saturday. Sunday I took one, yesterday I took one, and today I have taken half of one (just recently actually)
Seriously, it's fucking frightening how damn well this new med works, and my doctor is amazing and understands that and doesn't patronise me or act as if she is all-knowing, and I really just like her a lot, and am glad I have her as a doctor. I need to talk to her about seeing if she can aid in me getting on SSI, actually. She is already helping so much and seems to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that I am able to get as much help as I can since she knows I can't work like this. As I said before, right now we are just trying to get me to a state of "I can function on a daily basis without being in a constant state of panic". It's working remarkably well. I've even talked to my uncle twice without freaking out. (He is a lot like two of the men in my life who were emotionally and mentally (some would say physically too.. for one of them) abusive towards me, so he sets me off really bad sometimes) Although I did just take half a pill after the two interactions, still, normally I would have felt such strong symptoms that I would have needed an entire pill immediately. not just felt the stirrings of an attack coming on and taken half a pill to prevent it.
So yeah, there's that done with. kitten you may begin reading again if you stopped.
Lets see, I also wanted to talk about hypnosis with kitten and how that is coming along! I have done two recordings for her, using a trance-trigger. They are working okay but not as well as we need them too, so I am going to (tomorrow, hopefully, if I get the alone time) record an induction (one that we know works for her that I simply modified to suit sleeping position) and deepener. The deepener I am very proud of as it was the first thing I ever wrote on my own, meant to be used more than once.
Modifying it for speech rather than text has been an hours-long process but so worth it. I love the extra scope it gives me. Instead of telling kitten to take herself deeper, I get to lead the way. I get to add in all those details that make the experience more realistic. Comparing the two, well.. it's clear that I know more what I am doing now, and aside from the general direction being the same, there is almost no comparison. The same things happen, in totally different ways. The detail is so much more intense, and dammit I really wish my goddamned uncle had left when he was supposed to so I could record this now.
-fidgets- if I turn the ac back on I might record it anyways. I seriously want to record this for kitten, to get her reaction to it, to hear her pleasure at how well it worked. Even though I have less faith in it than she does, I still know that it'll work at least somewhat. And when I allow my logic to take over, I know that it will work incredibly effectively, especially because it is familiar to her, and she knows what to expect, to an extent (I have been talking to her about it, plus as I said, it is a modification of the first deepener I ever wrote for her)... and that it will blow her expectations out of the water.
I know it sounds very vain of me, and I hate sounding that way because really I have serious self-confidence issues, and actively try not to be vain or pompous or anything like that. It's only that now I know what I am doing, know her better, have more experience... and it already worked insanely effectively to begin with!
There is almost no way on earth that it wouldn't work, seriously. It would take a lot for it to not work, and I'm not that incompetent, seriously.
Maybe once I know he is asleep I'll record it, so she can use it tonight. Or maybe while he's awake even. The ac will effectively muffle my voice, and I can always noisereduce it like I did the others. (thank goodness for Audacity, woo. love that program) ...yes I am paranoid enough that even though I was completely ans totally alone when I recorded the other two files, I kept the ac on to muffle my voice. This is part of why I am on medication, yo. XD
ANYHOW lol. Lessee. There was one more thing, I think... Oh! Right! kitten has her exams now, spaced over the next two weeks, so wishing her luck on them and sending her good vibes so that she can work effectively would be appreciated for anyone who comes across this and reads it before her exams are over!
I think I've rambled enough for now. Imma go check on files and see how much time I need to give to kitten and count up how much we've used over the weekend and yesterday to detract from the hours she has earned. Might just be lazy and count it all as one of my "free" sessions since I've only used two out of six.. yeah.. that sounds like a good idea :3 And much less work for a nervy and tired Mari.
There is a lot of stuff that could be talked about, and a lot of stuff on my mind, so this one will probably be labelled with "rambling" because I suspect it will be very much me just rambling on about different things.
First off: Name change has gone out the window for now. It costs almost 160 dollars, and so it is something that will have to happen after I get on SSI disability (NOT social security - more on that, next, I suppose), assuming I do. Knowing this is a good thing, even though it sucks that it's so expensive - it is also incredibly straightforward. In Indiana you had to run a large notification in a big newspaper for three weeks in order to get your name changed, as well as jump through lots of hoops and hurdles and pay a large fee. Here it's just fill out papers, pay the fee, and then get copies so you can change Social Security card and Driver's License or ID, and anything else needing changed. I found out that unless I change my social security card I don't need to bother with anything else and both of those for food stamps and SafetyNet are a simple rescanning and change of information forms, it doesn't affect my status, so yay!
Now, on SSI: SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. For people who cannot work and have not been able to work enough to earn any chance of social security, there is SSI. It is similar to welfare, or benefits, or unemployment, only more permanent (sometimes) and harder to get into. I have not worked enough to earn much social security credit, and have not held a job in oh, what, seven years? because of mental and physical disability: tourette's syndrome being the physical; crippling social anxiety and severe bipolar as well as intense paranoia being the mental. We're working on getting me to a level of beieng able to just function on a daily basis with medication, but that is just functioning. That does not mean I will be able to go out and look for a job and survive with my physical and mental health intact if I manage to get a job. I have some very self-destructive tics, such as pulling my hair (out), scratching my arms (til they bleed), digging my nails into my skin (similarly, until it bleeds), biting my cheeks/lips/tongue (until bleeding)... and while I do not do them frequently, I also actively avoid any situation that might possibly set me off. I also do things like cut my nails to the quick every week to keep them short so that they have less chance of harming me, got my tongue pierced and actively switch my tic out to biting that instead of my cheeks/lips/tongue, keep toilet paper around to put between my nails and my arms...
I'm not one of those "lazy, just want to not work" people. I ache with self-detesting guilt sometimes, because I don't work, and from the idea that I am even considering trying to get on SSI; but it does not change the fact that I am, whether I think it most of the time or not, whether it outwardly seems so or not, pretty damn severely disabled. It is not that I do not want to work. It is that I cannot work a job that is stable, and trying to work from home is only something that would bring me lots of bad experience because phones are frightening, I cannot always summon the will to work, and depression is more frequent for me than mania so I would end up having a breakdown similar to the three I had while I tried to attend college (I have tried both online, and in person).
I need a way to support myself until I can get to a point of stability that I can find things to do to similarly support myself, if it is even possible. I need a way to support myself to even try. And that is where SSI comes in. I've already taken the first steps, being that of therapy and medication, and now we have to get in touch with the lawyer that we are using to help, and hopefully I will qualify. The fear is that I have a lot of things wrong that combine to be severe enough to disable me, but each thing on its own is not enough to qualify me as disabled. They have tests to check for a person's functionality, but what if those tests happen on a "good" day, or on a day when I am manic? What then? I can function fine when I am manic, even to the point of being a social butterfly at parties, but that is not an accurate portrayal of who I am on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis. Similarly, do I take my medicine? or go how I normally am? Could I even function enough to get to the testing without freaking out without it?
It's a long, arduous, and scary process. Everyone around me seems certain that it will happen, except myself. Everyone thinks I qualify easily, except myself. And I wonder if that in and of itself will be a hindrance because it's hard to convince someone else that you are disabled when you grew up being forcefully told you were not and cannot even convince yourself that you are.
-sigh- On and on, let's change topic shall we? kitten, you may not feel up to reading this part just yet so skip over it if you need since you already know most of this anyhow. Whenever I write another note in this colours you can just start reading again. <3
My appointment went well. My pdoc easily understood that the fact that medication works is scary, helped ease my fears, and did put me on a daily anti-anxiety - sort of. It's really a mood-stabiliser and anti-epileptic that has been shown to have great properties for aiding with severe anxiety, and just the fact that I have not even taken a whole xanax every day since friday shows that it works. Because my saphris is also a mood stabiliser as well as an anti-psychotic (to help with paranoia) she cut my dose in half, and because xanax is meant to be taken as emergency/as needed rather than as "need it to function" as I had been been taking it (note: I was not abusing it, and was told I could take it that way, but that is not how it should be taken and my pdoc is very smart and knows this) she also cut my dose from three pills a day allowed to two.
Not that I've needed them much. One day I didn't take any, being Saturday. Sunday I took one, yesterday I took one, and today I have taken half of one (just recently actually)
Seriously, it's fucking frightening how damn well this new med works, and my doctor is amazing and understands that and doesn't patronise me or act as if she is all-knowing, and I really just like her a lot, and am glad I have her as a doctor. I need to talk to her about seeing if she can aid in me getting on SSI, actually. She is already helping so much and seems to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that I am able to get as much help as I can since she knows I can't work like this. As I said before, right now we are just trying to get me to a state of "I can function on a daily basis without being in a constant state of panic". It's working remarkably well. I've even talked to my uncle twice without freaking out. (He is a lot like two of the men in my life who were emotionally and mentally (some would say physically too.. for one of them) abusive towards me, so he sets me off really bad sometimes) Although I did just take half a pill after the two interactions, still, normally I would have felt such strong symptoms that I would have needed an entire pill immediately. not just felt the stirrings of an attack coming on and taken half a pill to prevent it.
So yeah, there's that done with. kitten you may begin reading again if you stopped.
Lets see, I also wanted to talk about hypnosis with kitten and how that is coming along! I have done two recordings for her, using a trance-trigger. They are working okay but not as well as we need them too, so I am going to (tomorrow, hopefully, if I get the alone time) record an induction (one that we know works for her that I simply modified to suit sleeping position) and deepener. The deepener I am very proud of as it was the first thing I ever wrote on my own, meant to be used more than once.
Modifying it for speech rather than text has been an hours-long process but so worth it. I love the extra scope it gives me. Instead of telling kitten to take herself deeper, I get to lead the way. I get to add in all those details that make the experience more realistic. Comparing the two, well.. it's clear that I know more what I am doing now, and aside from the general direction being the same, there is almost no comparison. The same things happen, in totally different ways. The detail is so much more intense, and dammit I really wish my goddamned uncle had left when he was supposed to so I could record this now.
-fidgets- if I turn the ac back on I might record it anyways. I seriously want to record this for kitten, to get her reaction to it, to hear her pleasure at how well it worked. Even though I have less faith in it than she does, I still know that it'll work at least somewhat. And when I allow my logic to take over, I know that it will work incredibly effectively, especially because it is familiar to her, and she knows what to expect, to an extent (I have been talking to her about it, plus as I said, it is a modification of the first deepener I ever wrote for her)... and that it will blow her expectations out of the water.
I know it sounds very vain of me, and I hate sounding that way because really I have serious self-confidence issues, and actively try not to be vain or pompous or anything like that. It's only that now I know what I am doing, know her better, have more experience... and it already worked insanely effectively to begin with!
There is almost no way on earth that it wouldn't work, seriously. It would take a lot for it to not work, and I'm not that incompetent, seriously.
Maybe once I know he is asleep I'll record it, so she can use it tonight. Or maybe while he's awake even. The ac will effectively muffle my voice, and I can always noisereduce it like I did the others. (thank goodness for Audacity, woo. love that program) ...yes I am paranoid enough that even though I was completely ans totally alone when I recorded the other two files, I kept the ac on to muffle my voice. This is part of why I am on medication, yo. XD
ANYHOW lol. Lessee. There was one more thing, I think... Oh! Right! kitten has her exams now, spaced over the next two weeks, so wishing her luck on them and sending her good vibes so that she can work effectively would be appreciated for anyone who comes across this and reads it before her exams are over!
I think I've rambled enough for now. Imma go check on files and see how much time I need to give to kitten and count up how much we've used over the weekend and yesterday to detract from the hours she has earned. Might just be lazy and count it all as one of my "free" sessions since I've only used two out of six.. yeah.. that sounds like a good idea :3 And much less work for a nervy and tired Mari.
Thursday, 23 May 2013
If it ain't broke, don't fix it...right?
But what if it IS broken. Or breaking? Or changing in inconceivably enormous ways that are scary and unprecedented and worrisome, but completely, wholly, and totally needed?
Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.
We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.
Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.
There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.
This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.
So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.
But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else. This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".
Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.
It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.
Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3
Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.
We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.
Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.
There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.
This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.
So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.
But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else. This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".
Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.
It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.
Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3
Sunday, 19 May 2013
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Dominance, submission, and hypnosis.
kitten and I have, as of late, been using hypnosis to further her submission. Looking back, I think we had reached a roadblock because I was not really doing things properly, partially by being overcautious.
See, neither kitten nor myself wish for a doormat. I want kitten to still be the little spitfire she can be, I want kitten to still be able to tell me to fuck off when need be and to be able to stand up for herself around others. Including other Dom/mes. But kitten pointed out to me recently, as in today, that she was worried because I was increasing her submission and obedience in general - was worried that she would start being like that for everyone.
Suddenly, I realised, oh, duh. My kitten doesn't want to submit to everyone. My kitten only wants to submit to me. So I promised her from then on I would clarify that she was to deepen her obedience and submission to me.
There had been plans made for a session tonight that got interrupted by forgotten family plans, which was understood. And the proper session I had in mind just wasn't possible when, after taking a "short" nap, it turned out it had been five hours passed and I had slept through alarm. So instead we "settled" (because sessions and maulings are equally enjoyed, just differently so) for sex. And more sex. And suddenly something happened and I put her under.
It was quite unexpected. Quite as in incredibly, very much, out of the ballpark, unexpected. I found myself feeling much more confident as I took her deeper, as I ordered her to submit and obey and as she, immediately, became completely receptive to my commands when I added "to Mistress" and "to me" to the end of them.
To me it felt as if instead of saying "Yes" acceptingly and willingly like she had before, she was screaming "YES! FINALLY!" and embracing it with her whole being.
It felt right. And I took her deeper. And deeper. And deeper. And she became more and more receptive, more and more willing, more and more eager. Especially as I clarified even more, that her submission to me would not hold her back - it would make her more confident, more driven, more powerful in her daily life.
The session ended with both of us feeling so much better. I found out (I cannot help but brag about this) that she came physically without having to use an outside hypnosis video, which is such a rare and precious and wonderful thing to me. She told me she felt calm. Settled. Stable, even. It ended with me having for the first time experienced topspace and feeling so damn confident and right that it was almost scary! I also experienced a very short topdrop which she helped me through and was quickly back to my normal weird self.
I lamented not having put the usual trigger of thinking of me and then suggested I put her to bed since it was half 2 in the morning there. We decided together that it would be a voice session this time, and I put her to sleep and instilled the trigger of thinking of me and then made it so that the trigger would strengthen with each use. Making her calm, relaxed, happy. Submissive to me, obedient to me, open to my will. Cause all negative emotions to just roll over her, crash against her and piddle away as if they were nothing. Bad choice of words, that, I meant to say dissipate but couldn't find the word and decided on a slang definition of piddle to be a suitable substitution for the time being.
Of course this will never be complete. The trigger works but it cannot magically fix everything.
But I have so much more hope than before and that seems impossible because I had a FUCKTON of hope before now. I just feel so concretely secure that things will be better for both of us now. Maybe it's false hope. Maybe I'm just being weird. Idek. I feel like we have gotten past a block somehow that neither of us really knew was there, and I am hoping and praying that what I feel is right and that this helps because the more she submits to me the happier she seems to get and all I want is my kitten to be happy.
Friday, 17 May 2013
Hypnotic Sleep
I love that this is a thing.
I love hearing her breathing become deeper.
Become slower.
I love hearing her voice, softening and becoming breathy, as she struggles to speak.
I love knowing that I am putting her to bed, making her sleep, and giving her the best night's sleep that she has had in months.
This is the first time I've been so confident in what I was doing whilst putting kitten to sleep, and it was also the shortest amount of time it took. I feel like making time itself and my syllables both triggers to deepen her trance and make her sleepier was effective. We will see if it is as effective as her breathing doing it.
Maybe next time I'll try all three.
It's not even the control that makes me love this, to be honest, although that is an element. It's knowing that I am helping her in a way that is so direct and immediate.
That she will feel safe and warm and protected in my arms as she sleeps, despite the distance, despite everything else. That she will sleep deeply and restfully. I love it.
So very much.
I love hearing her breathing become deeper.
Become slower.
I love hearing her voice, softening and becoming breathy, as she struggles to speak.
I love knowing that I am putting her to bed, making her sleep, and giving her the best night's sleep that she has had in months.
This is the first time I've been so confident in what I was doing whilst putting kitten to sleep, and it was also the shortest amount of time it took. I feel like making time itself and my syllables both triggers to deepen her trance and make her sleepier was effective. We will see if it is as effective as her breathing doing it.
Maybe next time I'll try all three.
It's not even the control that makes me love this, to be honest, although that is an element. It's knowing that I am helping her in a way that is so direct and immediate.
That she will feel safe and warm and protected in my arms as she sleeps, despite the distance, despite everything else. That she will sleep deeply and restfully. I love it.
So very much.
Sleeping
I find that the hardest single thing to deal with and try to work around in my particular LDR is sleep patterns.
kitten and I are both insomniacs. For similar and different reasons, really. She hates to sleep. Period. She doesn't like being asleep, I'm fairly certain it even frightens her on some level, which is not an irrational thing. Sleep is scary for me too. But, that is only occasionally why I am such an insomniac, more frequently is that I have bipolar and am 75% of the time (maybe 80%) in a mixed state. Which means with symptoms of mania and depression simultaneously. Usually I jump back and forth between a depressed mania (dysphoric mania) and a manic depression (agitated depression) several times a week or even a day. Which means insomnia is rampant, especially the kind where I am exhausted but just cannot fucking sleep!
I'm currently being medicated for this; not the insomnia itself, but the bipolar type in general with something called Saphris which knocks. me. flat. I liked/loved it at first but I've recently learned that if kitten is awake when I take it I can't stand it. I hate it so much and it's scary, being forced to sleep when I want to stay awake. The anxiety could probably be gotten over by taking half a Xanax (my PRN - aka as needed - for general and social anxiety) but I dislike having to take those at all.
I am trying to get a balance so that I am awake still and can help kitten sleep through hypnosis and other means (she is particularly fond of hypnosis, as am I), before I take my medicine and pass the fuck out so that the anxiety of being torn away from her, and the worry about not being there when she needs me, is not present.
The problem, really, lies in wanting to be there when she wakes up and to put her to sleep and to stay with her all day, and that is just not possible. I'm thinking of starting a 4-6 hours at night, 3-5 hours at day schedule so that I nap while she is in classes or studying, and then am able to wake up before or when she does and sleep after she does. Partly because I usually wake up after four to six hours of sleep unable to sleep anyfuckinghow and get sick of trying to force myself back to sleep.
It's frustrating and difficult and it makes me realise that even more, no matter how easy things seem to be going, there is a long and trying road ahead of us. I am prepared to work with what I have, and can only hope that what I have is enough, I suppose. <3<3<3
I love thee, mine kitten.
Anyhow, I just needed to ramble and get thoughts out. Which is exactly what this place is for :)
kitten and I are both insomniacs. For similar and different reasons, really. She hates to sleep. Period. She doesn't like being asleep, I'm fairly certain it even frightens her on some level, which is not an irrational thing. Sleep is scary for me too. But, that is only occasionally why I am such an insomniac, more frequently is that I have bipolar and am 75% of the time (maybe 80%) in a mixed state. Which means with symptoms of mania and depression simultaneously. Usually I jump back and forth between a depressed mania (dysphoric mania) and a manic depression (agitated depression) several times a week or even a day. Which means insomnia is rampant, especially the kind where I am exhausted but just cannot fucking sleep!
I'm currently being medicated for this; not the insomnia itself, but the bipolar type in general with something called Saphris which knocks. me. flat. I liked/loved it at first but I've recently learned that if kitten is awake when I take it I can't stand it. I hate it so much and it's scary, being forced to sleep when I want to stay awake. The anxiety could probably be gotten over by taking half a Xanax (my PRN - aka as needed - for general and social anxiety) but I dislike having to take those at all.
I am trying to get a balance so that I am awake still and can help kitten sleep through hypnosis and other means (she is particularly fond of hypnosis, as am I), before I take my medicine and pass the fuck out so that the anxiety of being torn away from her, and the worry about not being there when she needs me, is not present.
The problem, really, lies in wanting to be there when she wakes up and to put her to sleep and to stay with her all day, and that is just not possible. I'm thinking of starting a 4-6 hours at night, 3-5 hours at day schedule so that I nap while she is in classes or studying, and then am able to wake up before or when she does and sleep after she does. Partly because I usually wake up after four to six hours of sleep unable to sleep anyfuckinghow and get sick of trying to force myself back to sleep.
It's frustrating and difficult and it makes me realise that even more, no matter how easy things seem to be going, there is a long and trying road ahead of us. I am prepared to work with what I have, and can only hope that what I have is enough, I suppose. <3<3<3
I love thee, mine kitten.
Anyhow, I just needed to ramble and get thoughts out. Which is exactly what this place is for :)
Tuesday, 14 May 2013
Hypnosis
Hypnosis.
The very word gives a thrill through one's body – be it of skepticism, arousal, fear, disbelief, wonderment, excitement, disdain.. It always elicits a reaction when brought up.
I am a hypnotist – of a sort. I am no professional, and I make no claims about being able to put anyone under, bend their will to my own, make them obey my every command. That is, frankly, impossible. Unless the subject is willing (even if only subconsciously so), they cannot be made to do anything at all whatsoever.
But I am her hypnotist. The feeling of submission my kitten gets when she goes under, when I am in such intimate, all-encompassing control of her, the feeling of obedience that bending her to my will gives her... Well, frankly, she needs it.
I do not say this in a power-trip fantasy. She has told me herself that she does, recently, and keeping that in mind I have been tending more to her needs, as well as my own.
She has always been into hypnosis and has been wonderful at guiding me into this foray. I stepped into hypnosis due to a slight interest, and largely her own interest, which she somewhat understated at the time.
Imagine, to my surprise, when the first time I finally tried it out on her.... it worked. Now, keep in mind, as I have said, I am no professional. I have never tried hypnosis on anyone but my kitten and never plan to try it on anyone else. I am her hypnotist and hers alone.
Anyhow... the first time led to a second. And a third. I found that I enjoyed it, it thrilled me in the most wonderful way. I was overcautious at first, and with good reason. An untried hypnotist can get into trouble. I started slow. Recently things have begun speeding up between us in general and I have found that I fear going too far, even as much as I feel that this is so very necessary...
But the control. The control on my part and lack of it on hers. The trust; that she will not allow me to go too far, and that I will not take things too far. Her submission and obedience to the fact that I can and will do what is best for her. The complete thrill of realising that with just one word I can take all of her worries and fears away...
I don't just want it any more. I need it too. Possibly as much as she does.
And I can finally say that I rejoice in that fact, and have accepted that it is no bad thing to need to control her in the way that she needs to be controlled.
This revelation came about today during a particularly intense session in which I realised that lacking control and being forced or compelled to submit to my will could be not only intensely pleasurable for her but also a release for her... and that it was also intensely pleasurable for me and a release for me to put her into that situation I had her in.
Needless to say this was not the last time a session such as that will happen, and even as she spends the entirety of her day being brought back to focus on her submission to me, I will spend the entirety of my day being brought back to my dominance over her, and to how wonderful it is to finally be finding our balance.
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