Rachelkitten and I were having a discussion on what should count in our relationship as abuse, when I was upset and said - as I have said before, but never ever acted on - that I wanted to slap her upside the head for being so stubborn and stupid about not making sure her needs are met. She asked me very bluntly several minutes later, when was I going to hit her, and it surprised me because I thought it was clear that I'd never do something like that. But then she said something that really got me thinking because sometimes she has panic attacks or refuses to do something that is necessary and no amount of talking will get through to her. She said "because nothing else seems to work, maybe that will."
The reason it made me think is because I get like that. Not in the same way all the time, but even as a Dom sometimes I have panic attacks that I cannot be shaken from without a thorough slap, and I would never consider that abuse, it's the only method that works is all. As a sub sometimes I get very self-abusive and neglect myself, because of being sbused by my previous D's, and I fully agree with her reasoning as a submissive - sometimes the only way to make me wake up and stop being fucking stupid is a good slap.
So we had this discussion and had some trouble because of the double standard of whoever is dominant being allowed to hit the submissive, but not the other way around. We finally decided that since both of us have a tendency to have panic attacks that we can't be otherwise pulled from, these rules go both ways. If the dominant one is having a freakout or something and absolutely everything else has been tried and nothing else works, the submissive is allowed to slap them to snap them out of it. But only after everything else has been tried.
Finally, we came up with a simple and concise rule as to what exactly for the two of us counts as abuse in our relationship.
Anything outside of sex-play that will mark the skin for more than a few hours counts as abuse, excepting a slap containing sharp fingernails. Pinching anything except nipples also counts as abuse, because it severely sets off kitten due to abuse from an ex of hers (well sort of an ex, it's complicated).
So punching and kicking and caning are all definitely abuse. Scratching her while slapping her is okay but only to be used in really severe situations. Slapping is fine so long as it isn't a really hard slap. This all goes for the reverse and is okay for her to do to me as well, whether I am D or s at the time.
I have to be clear on something. We don't use physical things for punishment almost ever - instead we do things like writing lines, being ignored for periods of time (never ever days, or really ever more than an hour or two unless severe disobedience/breaking rules), being banned from tv and/or videogames; those are what we use as punishment, not things like cropping. Cropping is sex-play, not punishment (although yes, it can indeed be Funishment). This is only for extreme situations, we're not going to be going around slapping each other over minor shit. But when nothing will get through to the other person, this is what is allowed, that is the rule for what counts as abuse.
I felt like it should be clarified here out in public so not only do we know for ourselves, but if it ever comes up in the blog, and someone says something about it, we can link them to this and go "Here, this is what we consider the guideline, this is what we consensually decided for just between ourselves as to what counts for abuse and what doesn't."
I'll write something about how life has changed recently later on, because I want this to stand alone. Ta loveys.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Sunday, 15 June 2014
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
thoughts
luna has had an up and down few days. it's difficult being so dominant and suddenly finding out that for over a year you have really just been burying your submissive side down because you were too scared to submit.
It also leads to fears of things like what if luna prefers submission to dominance, what if luna is too submissive for Mistress Rachel's needs (which is very likely since luna was trained into being a doormat, essentially, so now Mistress has to re-train her into not being so incapable of ever arguing or complaining or denying her will even if it's bad for her/luna), and what if Mistress Rachel needs to be kitten and needs luna to be Mari at a time when she is incapable of it.
luna has been seriously worrying over all of these things and more, until first, Mistress totally reassured her that she thinks how in sync we are with each other will make things balance out, second Mistress pointed out that of course the first while is going to be luna needing to be luna because she has buried all of her submissive needs for years basically, and third, luna started finishing one of her absolute favourite webcomics called Girly. she is reaching a point where (SPOILER ALERT) the "sidekick" had gotten tired of being the sidekick and let badness overtake her. The "leader" decided that if that was the case, then she would become the sidekick and let her sidekick be the leader until any point which they decided to switch back, if ever. (END SPOILER)
The ease of it, how simple and easily the transition went... really reassured luna. Mistress had said earlier that she thought she might have been getting worn out with being the sub all the time, and certainly frustrated with being unable to order luna to do things when she was being indecisive. Even as a domme, Mari is very indecisive because the whole of her life until she was about 19 she never ever had to make a single decision on her own. her father and mother decided what clothes and toys and food and films and everything else she ever owned or did. whenever she was doing things notinolving her parents or family she allowed her friends to make the decisions. and then entered a D/s relationship with someone who was not a very good D and turned abusive in the end and turned her into a doormat who couldn't think for herself until she realised she was nearing a point where she would rather kill herself than continue living that way.
Both sides of Marina, D and s, are crazy indecisive and often put off making decisions until the thought of them, even tiny ones, drives her into severe panic attacks. luna being luna means that if ever Mistress wants to make a decision for Mari, like ordering her to do something that she is putting off but has to do, she can just say "luna, do (insert here)" and luna will obey almost immediately. That is probably the only good thing about her doormat training. Rachel now has a stable way of making Marina do things she is indecisive about without having to worry about overstepping her bounds.
This is all very frightening for both parts of Marina because change is scary as hell, but slowly she is beginning to feel more and more and more like this is right.
Okay that being over with now onto the fun part of the blog.
OMIGOSH LUNA NEVER THOUGHT BEING HYPNOTISED WAS POSSIBLE.
Like, seriously. even now, even with concrete proof, she half-fears she is just somehow faking it or something without realising it. Crazy.
It was so fun though. And highly fucking arousing. luna loooooves feeling so helpless to Mistress' will and it makes luna squirmy and so incredibly wet whenever Mistress puts her under. It really makes luna want Mistress to use her and torture her and do all kinds of naughty things with her, no matter the taboo. (Well, within limits. No amount of hypnosis will make luna into toilet stuff or vomiting or being spat upon. None whatsoever. Which is all well and good because Mistress isn't into it either.) And Mistress basically like... Spent the whole of luna's day while Mistress was awake, dropping luna into and out of trance. Apparently as a submissive luna is highly suggestible. Mistress tried the trigger she inset into luna on Mari just to see if it'd work, sneaky girl, and it DID omigosh. Mari fought it but ended up dropping off, and was able to fight it less each time it was used. Kind of scary but a good scary, and very weird and totally crazy. Scary because despite fighting it Mari likes the idea of her pet having such control over her in a way even though it's hard and frightening to admit that because it means even as a domme she likes the idea of submission.
Anyhow, luna kept waking up feeling so tingly and floaty, and unless Mistress clarified totally woken up and aware, fuzzy and not sleepy but almost-drowsy. Like she had just woken up from the best nap but was still in the process of waking up.
luna would go into more detail of the hypnosis but does not have permission to make herself cum, refuses to cheat by switching to being dominant, and would be put into a state of nearly unbearable arousal if she went into more details of it.
Which is hilarious really since luna very rarely needs or wants to physically orgasm - it's a sign of what a huge thing the hypnosis is for this relationship that it can put her into such a state both doing the entrancing and being entranced.
So yeah. That's it for now, more to come in the future - hopefully the next post will be by Mari, and not luna, but who knows what the future holds!
Ta, lovies~!
~luna <3
It also leads to fears of things like what if luna prefers submission to dominance, what if luna is too submissive for Mistress Rachel's needs (which is very likely since luna was trained into being a doormat, essentially, so now Mistress has to re-train her into not being so incapable of ever arguing or complaining or denying her will even if it's bad for her/luna), and what if Mistress Rachel needs to be kitten and needs luna to be Mari at a time when she is incapable of it.
luna has been seriously worrying over all of these things and more, until first, Mistress totally reassured her that she thinks how in sync we are with each other will make things balance out, second Mistress pointed out that of course the first while is going to be luna needing to be luna because she has buried all of her submissive needs for years basically, and third, luna started finishing one of her absolute favourite webcomics called Girly. she is reaching a point where (SPOILER ALERT) the "sidekick" had gotten tired of being the sidekick and let badness overtake her. The "leader" decided that if that was the case, then she would become the sidekick and let her sidekick be the leader until any point which they decided to switch back, if ever. (END SPOILER)
The ease of it, how simple and easily the transition went... really reassured luna. Mistress had said earlier that she thought she might have been getting worn out with being the sub all the time, and certainly frustrated with being unable to order luna to do things when she was being indecisive. Even as a domme, Mari is very indecisive because the whole of her life until she was about 19 she never ever had to make a single decision on her own. her father and mother decided what clothes and toys and food and films and everything else she ever owned or did. whenever she was doing things notinolving her parents or family she allowed her friends to make the decisions. and then entered a D/s relationship with someone who was not a very good D and turned abusive in the end and turned her into a doormat who couldn't think for herself until she realised she was nearing a point where she would rather kill herself than continue living that way.
Both sides of Marina, D and s, are crazy indecisive and often put off making decisions until the thought of them, even tiny ones, drives her into severe panic attacks. luna being luna means that if ever Mistress wants to make a decision for Mari, like ordering her to do something that she is putting off but has to do, she can just say "luna, do (insert here)" and luna will obey almost immediately. That is probably the only good thing about her doormat training. Rachel now has a stable way of making Marina do things she is indecisive about without having to worry about overstepping her bounds.
This is all very frightening for both parts of Marina because change is scary as hell, but slowly she is beginning to feel more and more and more like this is right.
Okay that being over with now onto the fun part of the blog.
OMIGOSH LUNA NEVER THOUGHT BEING HYPNOTISED WAS POSSIBLE.
Like, seriously. even now, even with concrete proof, she half-fears she is just somehow faking it or something without realising it. Crazy.
It was so fun though. And highly fucking arousing. luna loooooves feeling so helpless to Mistress' will and it makes luna squirmy and so incredibly wet whenever Mistress puts her under. It really makes luna want Mistress to use her and torture her and do all kinds of naughty things with her, no matter the taboo. (Well, within limits. No amount of hypnosis will make luna into toilet stuff or vomiting or being spat upon. None whatsoever. Which is all well and good because Mistress isn't into it either.) And Mistress basically like... Spent the whole of luna's day while Mistress was awake, dropping luna into and out of trance. Apparently as a submissive luna is highly suggestible. Mistress tried the trigger she inset into luna on Mari just to see if it'd work, sneaky girl, and it DID omigosh. Mari fought it but ended up dropping off, and was able to fight it less each time it was used. Kind of scary but a good scary, and very weird and totally crazy. Scary because despite fighting it Mari likes the idea of her pet having such control over her in a way even though it's hard and frightening to admit that because it means even as a domme she likes the idea of submission.
Anyhow, luna kept waking up feeling so tingly and floaty, and unless Mistress clarified totally woken up and aware, fuzzy and not sleepy but almost-drowsy. Like she had just woken up from the best nap but was still in the process of waking up.
luna would go into more detail of the hypnosis but does not have permission to make herself cum, refuses to cheat by switching to being dominant, and would be put into a state of nearly unbearable arousal if she went into more details of it.
Which is hilarious really since luna very rarely needs or wants to physically orgasm - it's a sign of what a huge thing the hypnosis is for this relationship that it can put her into such a state both doing the entrancing and being entranced.
So yeah. That's it for now, more to come in the future - hopefully the next post will be by Mari, and not luna, but who knows what the future holds!
Ta, lovies~!
~luna <3
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Battling instability
So, back before I created this blog, back before I met kitten, back before florida happened... I was a mask. Or several, really. Marina didn't exist back then. What existed was a person who could not feel emotions because the trauma from being raped multiple times when she was ten made her cut them out of her. Total apathy. Laughter? False. Crying? Only physical pain, and incredibly horrible pain at that. Excitement? A facade. Sadness? What sadness? What fear?
The only thing I genuinely felt for at least three years of my life, was loneliness. Not your normal loneliness. It was like this all-encompassing hole of nothing swallowing me and making me see, every single day of my life, that I was completely, totally alone. That no one I knew understood me or would ever understand me because it was literally impossible for them to do so. So I made masks. I faked emotion. I was never happy, never sad, never angry, never upset, never scared.
Until I hit sixteen. See, I got a real bad case of walking pneumonia when I was fifteen, and was on a regimen of a narcotic cough suppressant to help keep me out of the hospital. Unfortunately it started bringing back memories of things, some good, some bad, that had happened to me as young as 3. I woke up from the dreams confused and befuddled, and convinced that they couldn't have happened to me.
Until I started asking my mom about them. And sure enough, every single dream I brought to her attention was something that was a memory. Of course, some things, like being raped, I didn't mention and didn't want to accept that had happened to me. Unfortunately all this culinated in an explosion. Very shortly before I hit sixteen years old, my masks broke, failed me, and I started feeling things again.
Can you imagine the agony emotions were to me after so long without them? Especially when, the moment I started experiencing emotions, I was experiencing severe bipolarity? I swung wildly back and forth between suicidal depression and dangerous mania. I felt anger so bad that I almost broke my sister's arm in a fit of rage. I was completely unequipped to deal with even normal emotions at this point of my life, and instead of even getting the opportunity to get used to it I was thrust into completely unpredictable instability.
Of course, eventually I learned to deal. Yeah, "dealing" included cutting and other forms of self-injury, "dealing" included becoming a kleptomaniac and thrill-seeker. But at least I wasn't succumbing to the suicidal thoughts any more (I have actively attempted suicide at least three times in my life, and listlessly attempted to waste away more times than I can count), and at least I had an outlet for the extra energy my mania gave me rather than allowing my anger to take control of me and hurt people.
No, it wasn't right, but it was better than what could have happened. It was better than what happened in florida, where I was abused, molested at knifepoint, raped, homeless on multiple occasions, had to steal just to survive. Just to eat. I've gone three weeks eating only one very small meal each week. I've never had to sleep on the street but I couchsurfed on the couches of total strangers for a month and a half. I let my boyfriend use me and his best friends abuse me, and repeatedly left somewhat stable situations in order to be with him, only to be kicked out weeks later.
I've been completely disconnected from any means of possible help and only by the grace of the divine managed to escape that hellhole with my life intact.
And that hole never went away. No matter how many friends I had, no matter who I loved, who I got into relationships with. Until suddenly it was gone one day and I realised that somehow it was kitten, the one person I actively pushed away and tried to avoid getting into a relationship with, that filled it.
The problem is, I'm not used to it being filled up. All those bad habits of pushing people away when I get into unpleasant moods, for their sake and mine both, they still exist.
What do you do when habit tells you to push someone away even though you know that it wont fix the problem? What do you do when even though you want to tell someone to stay, you order them to leave, and they have no choice but to obey you because you don't give them any other choice?
More importantly, how do you break these habits and form healthier ones?
I feel very lost and torn right now. I don't know what to do. I've been through so much shit in my life, more in my 27 years than most people experience in 90, and all my friends come to me for advice and I can help them just fine. I always have the right answers.. so why can't I find the right answers for myself?
I don't know what to do, and that's a really hard thing for me to admit.
The only thing I genuinely felt for at least three years of my life, was loneliness. Not your normal loneliness. It was like this all-encompassing hole of nothing swallowing me and making me see, every single day of my life, that I was completely, totally alone. That no one I knew understood me or would ever understand me because it was literally impossible for them to do so. So I made masks. I faked emotion. I was never happy, never sad, never angry, never upset, never scared.
Until I hit sixteen. See, I got a real bad case of walking pneumonia when I was fifteen, and was on a regimen of a narcotic cough suppressant to help keep me out of the hospital. Unfortunately it started bringing back memories of things, some good, some bad, that had happened to me as young as 3. I woke up from the dreams confused and befuddled, and convinced that they couldn't have happened to me.
Until I started asking my mom about them. And sure enough, every single dream I brought to her attention was something that was a memory. Of course, some things, like being raped, I didn't mention and didn't want to accept that had happened to me. Unfortunately all this culinated in an explosion. Very shortly before I hit sixteen years old, my masks broke, failed me, and I started feeling things again.
Can you imagine the agony emotions were to me after so long without them? Especially when, the moment I started experiencing emotions, I was experiencing severe bipolarity? I swung wildly back and forth between suicidal depression and dangerous mania. I felt anger so bad that I almost broke my sister's arm in a fit of rage. I was completely unequipped to deal with even normal emotions at this point of my life, and instead of even getting the opportunity to get used to it I was thrust into completely unpredictable instability.
Of course, eventually I learned to deal. Yeah, "dealing" included cutting and other forms of self-injury, "dealing" included becoming a kleptomaniac and thrill-seeker. But at least I wasn't succumbing to the suicidal thoughts any more (I have actively attempted suicide at least three times in my life, and listlessly attempted to waste away more times than I can count), and at least I had an outlet for the extra energy my mania gave me rather than allowing my anger to take control of me and hurt people.
No, it wasn't right, but it was better than what could have happened. It was better than what happened in florida, where I was abused, molested at knifepoint, raped, homeless on multiple occasions, had to steal just to survive. Just to eat. I've gone three weeks eating only one very small meal each week. I've never had to sleep on the street but I couchsurfed on the couches of total strangers for a month and a half. I let my boyfriend use me and his best friends abuse me, and repeatedly left somewhat stable situations in order to be with him, only to be kicked out weeks later.
I've been completely disconnected from any means of possible help and only by the grace of the divine managed to escape that hellhole with my life intact.
And that hole never went away. No matter how many friends I had, no matter who I loved, who I got into relationships with. Until suddenly it was gone one day and I realised that somehow it was kitten, the one person I actively pushed away and tried to avoid getting into a relationship with, that filled it.
The problem is, I'm not used to it being filled up. All those bad habits of pushing people away when I get into unpleasant moods, for their sake and mine both, they still exist.
What do you do when habit tells you to push someone away even though you know that it wont fix the problem? What do you do when even though you want to tell someone to stay, you order them to leave, and they have no choice but to obey you because you don't give them any other choice?
More importantly, how do you break these habits and form healthier ones?
I feel very lost and torn right now. I don't know what to do. I've been through so much shit in my life, more in my 27 years than most people experience in 90, and all my friends come to me for advice and I can help them just fine. I always have the right answers.. so why can't I find the right answers for myself?
I don't know what to do, and that's a really hard thing for me to admit.
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
It's been a while
Summary:
Mari is seeing a counsellor as well as pdoc and is getting a case worker too so good times. One the other hand, she's being evicted due to bullshit reasons from landlord's crazy wife and may or may not have to live with her mother AND grandparents depending on many things, so bad times.
I got into Aberystwyth university, good times. I also got diagnosed with depression, bad times.
So as you can see, plenty of reason why a blog isn't exactly on the top of the priority list. Yet here I am because I feel like I need to say things and be listened to without actually going through the horror of a conversation.
As the 21st of September looms ever closer and my moving out day hangs over me, I find myself getting increasingly anxious about... well... myself. I am about to make a metric shit -tonne of first impressions and just look at me! The depression means I put on 14lbs over summer and stopped giving a shit about my appearance and I am pretty much a shivering bundle of nerves and awkward. I am going to be shoved into a house with possibly 5 other people who I have to live with for the best part of a year and the first thing they are going to think when they see me is "Ugh she is disgusting". That's all I can think about, pretty much all day every day I'm thinking about how terrible I look. I got a calorie counting app which probably isn't helping but at the same time it must be because it's the only effort I'm making towards change. It's got me to think about what I eat and how much I exercise yeah, but I'm guessing it shouldn't be taking over my mind like it is. Three months without school or leaving the house much has left me with precious little else to think about. Two days in a row I have gone for a 30 minute walk, which I feel proud of for about ten seconds before it descends back into "nothing will ever be enough". I've got so many clothes that don't fit me now it's like my entire wardrobe is just staring at me and judging me, even if sometimes it's just that the shops I've been to are stingy with their sizes. I'm losing the ability to think about this stuff logically and healthily.
I think I should probably stop there.
Mari is seeing a counsellor as well as pdoc and is getting a case worker too so good times. One the other hand, she's being evicted due to bullshit reasons from landlord's crazy wife and may or may not have to live with her mother AND grandparents depending on many things, so bad times.
I got into Aberystwyth university, good times. I also got diagnosed with depression, bad times.
So as you can see, plenty of reason why a blog isn't exactly on the top of the priority list. Yet here I am because I feel like I need to say things and be listened to without actually going through the horror of a conversation.
As the 21st of September looms ever closer and my moving out day hangs over me, I find myself getting increasingly anxious about... well... myself. I am about to make a metric shit -tonne of first impressions and just look at me! The depression means I put on 14lbs over summer and stopped giving a shit about my appearance and I am pretty much a shivering bundle of nerves and awkward. I am going to be shoved into a house with possibly 5 other people who I have to live with for the best part of a year and the first thing they are going to think when they see me is "Ugh she is disgusting". That's all I can think about, pretty much all day every day I'm thinking about how terrible I look. I got a calorie counting app which probably isn't helping but at the same time it must be because it's the only effort I'm making towards change. It's got me to think about what I eat and how much I exercise yeah, but I'm guessing it shouldn't be taking over my mind like it is. Three months without school or leaving the house much has left me with precious little else to think about. Two days in a row I have gone for a 30 minute walk, which I feel proud of for about ten seconds before it descends back into "nothing will ever be enough". I've got so many clothes that don't fit me now it's like my entire wardrobe is just staring at me and judging me, even if sometimes it's just that the shops I've been to are stingy with their sizes. I'm losing the ability to think about this stuff logically and healthily.
I think I should probably stop there.
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Counselling
So at my last pdoc appointment she suggested that I might benefit from therapy, particularly in regards to my severe social anxiety. I saw my counsellor later that week and made an appointment for the twenty seventh of this month.. Not realising that it's the day after my birthday until just now.
Oh well. Happy birthday to me! Yay... I get to have mental health appointments as a present to myself...
-sighs- I've been gaining weight and I'm going to have to ask my pdoc about whether SafetyNet covers regular medical appointments or not. If it does I need to go get my thyroid hormones tested because there's a chance my hypothyroid disorder has come back.
I could also just be gaining weight from never fucking leaving my room but I need to get the more dangerous option checked as well.
I've been cycling between mania and depression pretty regularly, spending a week or so manic then a week or so depressed, with a few mixed states in between, but the medicine is just an amazing help. I hardly notice it outside of certain things, especially since my dose was doubled. So far the set we have me on is a good balance. One anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser, one anti-anxiety/mood stabiliser (actially it's technically an anti-epileptic medicine but whatever), and one PRN (as-needed) nerve pill for panic attacks and severe tic attacks.
It's nice to be able to just pop a pill or two when I start freaking out and suddenly twenty minutes later be not freaking out and not ticcing badly any more.
I like my counsellor too. He's easy to talk to and we already have a goal set for therapy, which is to reduce my social anxiety to the point where I don't need to pop a pill just to go visit my family or get to my appointments. My pdoc knows about me going to be trying to get on SSI and all that's needed from me is to have a day where I'm up on time and with my mom so I can try calling the SSI place and getting the information I need.
So yeah. Just an update on things... OH! My room is So. Fucking. Close. to being done.
All that needs done is the ceiling fan, the shelves in the bathroom, the trim underneath the bathroom heater, outlet covers, and then cleanup. If I were working on it I could get it done in a day.
Ofc I'm NOT working on it, Wayne is, and he's a busy man so I'll probably have to wait a week or more, which is fucking frustrating as hell, but... Just. So close. My room looks amazing and I'll post pics when it's done.
Maxie kitten and I have been going through some struggles but it isn't more than we can handle, life's just kicking our asses.
I guess that's it for now!!!
Oh well. Happy birthday to me! Yay... I get to have mental health appointments as a present to myself...
-sighs- I've been gaining weight and I'm going to have to ask my pdoc about whether SafetyNet covers regular medical appointments or not. If it does I need to go get my thyroid hormones tested because there's a chance my hypothyroid disorder has come back.
I could also just be gaining weight from never fucking leaving my room but I need to get the more dangerous option checked as well.
I've been cycling between mania and depression pretty regularly, spending a week or so manic then a week or so depressed, with a few mixed states in between, but the medicine is just an amazing help. I hardly notice it outside of certain things, especially since my dose was doubled. So far the set we have me on is a good balance. One anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser, one anti-anxiety/mood stabiliser (actially it's technically an anti-epileptic medicine but whatever), and one PRN (as-needed) nerve pill for panic attacks and severe tic attacks.
It's nice to be able to just pop a pill or two when I start freaking out and suddenly twenty minutes later be not freaking out and not ticcing badly any more.
I like my counsellor too. He's easy to talk to and we already have a goal set for therapy, which is to reduce my social anxiety to the point where I don't need to pop a pill just to go visit my family or get to my appointments. My pdoc knows about me going to be trying to get on SSI and all that's needed from me is to have a day where I'm up on time and with my mom so I can try calling the SSI place and getting the information I need.
So yeah. Just an update on things... OH! My room is So. Fucking. Close. to being done.
All that needs done is the ceiling fan, the shelves in the bathroom, the trim underneath the bathroom heater, outlet covers, and then cleanup. If I were working on it I could get it done in a day.
Ofc I'm NOT working on it, Wayne is, and he's a busy man so I'll probably have to wait a week or more, which is fucking frustrating as hell, but... Just. So close. My room looks amazing and I'll post pics when it's done.
Maxie kitten and I have been going through some struggles but it isn't more than we can handle, life's just kicking our asses.
I guess that's it for now!!!
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Because a post from me is slightly overdue.
I have no idea what to say but this blog is becoming slightly unbalanced in terms of mine and Mistress' posts and that isn't fair so here we go.
If my life were to have one running theme it would be that there's always something wrong but it's never quite enough to deserve any help. I could be a little autistic, I could have mild cerebral palsy, I could be slightly dyslexic, I have some leg problems, I might be depressed, I have a possible phobia. etc. etc.
Looking at each thing one at a time they wouldn't cause me much of a problem, which is of course what the doctors do. But they all add up and they're making things very difficult for me. Right now my main focus is the phobia I mentioned. One of the biggest problems with it is that it's a needle phobia, very very very common and very often blown out of proportion by countless people. I can't tell you how many times I've had to hear people talk about their "phobia" how they "can't look" and sometimes they have to "hold someone's hand". The last time I had to have an injection? I was in school and waited until the nurses were distracted, ran off and hid in a mostly abandoned toilet block crying for a few hours until I was found, taken to a special room, left to cry in there for a while until everyone else was done and they then spent an hour trying to convince me to even sit down in a chair next to a nurse.
You might think a reaction like that would suggest I deserved some help. I certainly do.
Now, I'm trying very hard not to be negative about this, but after almost a year of pushing, this is all I've managed to get. I was offered access to an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) course in order to try to make some progress. Keeping in mind I sought help because I was offered a trip to NEPAL and was being held back by my phobia, I'm sure you can understand my disappointment. That trip to Nepal was about three months ago, it was apparently fun.
I am only at my second session and it is still in the basics which, having studied phobias and anxiety disorders for 2 years, is very boring and demotivating. I'm finding it difficult to see how it will help and then there's a part of me saying that I'm not finding it helpful because once again, my problems aren't bad enough to need help.
I'm not going to give up on this program because even if it turned out to be useless all the way through to the end, at least I can tell the doctors I tried. Sooner or later they'll have to do something because both me and Mistress can see my health being at risk due to this. It's looking increasingly likely that I have a thyroid disorder, take a guess how they test for those.
So right now I'm feeling skeptical and a little let down. I'll keep on with this course and put as much effort into it as I would any other therapy I had been offered in the hope that it helps. I will probably write a few posts about it to try and keep myself thinking rationally and hopefully more positive.
//EDIT
I forgot there was more. This online program came with a bunch of questionnaires at the start to get an idea of my problems. I ranked high for depression, social anxiety, generalised anxiety and specific anxiety, all of which are having a noticeable effect on my social, work and home life. And yet, if I said any of that to a doctor, I bet all of my savings that I'd leave their office with nothing but a few leaflets. The NHS ladies and gentlemen, you get what you pay for.
If my life were to have one running theme it would be that there's always something wrong but it's never quite enough to deserve any help. I could be a little autistic, I could have mild cerebral palsy, I could be slightly dyslexic, I have some leg problems, I might be depressed, I have a possible phobia. etc. etc.
Looking at each thing one at a time they wouldn't cause me much of a problem, which is of course what the doctors do. But they all add up and they're making things very difficult for me. Right now my main focus is the phobia I mentioned. One of the biggest problems with it is that it's a needle phobia, very very very common and very often blown out of proportion by countless people. I can't tell you how many times I've had to hear people talk about their "phobia" how they "can't look" and sometimes they have to "hold someone's hand". The last time I had to have an injection? I was in school and waited until the nurses were distracted, ran off and hid in a mostly abandoned toilet block crying for a few hours until I was found, taken to a special room, left to cry in there for a while until everyone else was done and they then spent an hour trying to convince me to even sit down in a chair next to a nurse.
You might think a reaction like that would suggest I deserved some help. I certainly do.
Now, I'm trying very hard not to be negative about this, but after almost a year of pushing, this is all I've managed to get. I was offered access to an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) course in order to try to make some progress. Keeping in mind I sought help because I was offered a trip to NEPAL and was being held back by my phobia, I'm sure you can understand my disappointment. That trip to Nepal was about three months ago, it was apparently fun.
I am only at my second session and it is still in the basics which, having studied phobias and anxiety disorders for 2 years, is very boring and demotivating. I'm finding it difficult to see how it will help and then there's a part of me saying that I'm not finding it helpful because once again, my problems aren't bad enough to need help.
I'm not going to give up on this program because even if it turned out to be useless all the way through to the end, at least I can tell the doctors I tried. Sooner or later they'll have to do something because both me and Mistress can see my health being at risk due to this. It's looking increasingly likely that I have a thyroid disorder, take a guess how they test for those.
So right now I'm feeling skeptical and a little let down. I'll keep on with this course and put as much effort into it as I would any other therapy I had been offered in the hope that it helps. I will probably write a few posts about it to try and keep myself thinking rationally and hopefully more positive.
//EDIT
I forgot there was more. This online program came with a bunch of questionnaires at the start to get an idea of my problems. I ranked high for depression, social anxiety, generalised anxiety and specific anxiety, all of which are having a noticeable effect on my social, work and home life. And yet, if I said any of that to a doctor, I bet all of my savings that I'd leave their office with nothing but a few leaflets. The NHS ladies and gentlemen, you get what you pay for.
Aaaand it's time for your (ir)regularly scheduled appointment update.
Due to me being dumb I scheduled my appointment later than I should have so I had my appointment a week later than I should have. Sok though. next appt is four weeks from yesterday and we intend so far on continuing once monthly appointments.
I haven't yet had the courage to bring ssi up to my doctor... mostly cos I'm scared of her reaction. What if she thinks the fact that I'm levelling out means I'll be able to work normally (it won't) and that I won't qualify? Every time I get close to asking about it I freak out.
Anyhow appointment overall went good. I'm gaining weight but that could just be due to irregular eating, not eating as healthily, and being stuck in this fucking room, ugh. Both of the mood stabilising medicines she has me on are shown to be weight-neutral. As in they don't make you gain weight, which is a common trait of most mood stabilisers.
I've been struggling badly with mania on and off the past what, two weeks? week and a half?
Yeah, yeah, I know "Wait, isn't mania great?"
No. No it fucking isn't.
In it's own way mania is just as bad as depression. For sure it's a helluva lot more dangerous with the exception of suicidal depression and then it's a tie.
Wanna know why?
Because nothing bothers you, and nothing can go wrong. Whereas depression I don't eat or shower or get up out of bed because I don't have the will to do so, when I'm actually manic (not hypomanic, which is far more common, or mixed state which is my natural state) I just don't give any fucks.
Forget to eat? Oh well it's okay I don't really need to eat that badly. Sleep? Pah, who needs it! I'm fine on three hours a night, if that. What's that? Have I been drinking water? Oh well.. I'll do it later.
Being in a perpetually positive mood is fucking dangerous especially when mixed with a feeling of basically being invincible and nothing being able to hurt you, you can live through anything so it doesn't matter. I very rarely get voices or psychoses (such as the urge to try to fly off a twenty story building...) thank fuck, but it has happened in the past.
Then there's the agitation. When I am manic I get agitated easily. I get aggravated easily. I get so fucking pissed off that I just want to punch people in the fucking face.
Over the tiniest things.
Nothing.
It's horrible.
Add in racing thoughts, completely being unable to focus on anything, a genuine inability to sleep long, and being in such an overall good mood that I think I don't need my medicine...
Not good.
So I talked to my doctor about it and she suggested I get a medicine tray and set a timer/alarm for a couple hours after I wake up to make sure to check the tray. She also suggested that instead of taking my gabapentin three times a day I take one in the morning and then two at night, so I don't have to worry about forgetting my afternoon dose. She also doubled the dosage because even when I'm on my medicine I'm still having some problems with not eating well and agitation and racing thoughts and then the mood swings and jumping back and forth between mania and depression multiple times daily and sometimes multiple times hourly.. yeah.
So anyhow she doubled my dose instead of putting me on something else, since this is working spectacularly.
She asked if I needed more of my alprazolam and I truthfully told her no. with how much less often I am taking it (not even one pill every day) I have plenty enough for a month. In fact when I got home (after taking two to calm me down from the positively foul mood I was in due to my mother), I counted my alprazolam and found I had... thirty! hahaha.
So yeah. We're both pleased with my progress, especially on the tourettes level. It has been two months since I pulled my hair out! And one month since I had a bad episode with lots of scratching. That isn't to say I haven't had scratching episodes, but they haven't lasted long or been severe thanks to the alprazolam.
Overall despite the ongoing problems with mania I feel better. To be honest the idea of being "fixed" is scary. I literally, went from being so depressed that I was in a state of total and complete apathy and had no genuine emotion whatsoever, to bein' "wham bam bpiolar here you go thank you ma'am." I have never in my memory had a single day where I was not either manic, depressed, or a mixture of both. I have never not had rapid mood swings. I don't know who I am without it...
I am being pleasantly surprised. Nothing about me at the core is changing. And the non-core changes have all been good. I'm able to concentrate better, I'm not constantly in a state of panic, the paranoia is SEVERELY cut down - still there, but at that level of me being able to ignore it if I know it's not reasonable. I'm writing again which is a feat in and of itself. I used to have so many traumas associated with writing that it was nigh-on impossible for me to write more than a couple times a year.
So even though I'm still scared, still worried... I'm doin pretty okay right now. :) I'm less worried than I thought I'd be. Becauase maybe who I am isn't the bad person I've always made myself out to be.
I haven't yet had the courage to bring ssi up to my doctor... mostly cos I'm scared of her reaction. What if she thinks the fact that I'm levelling out means I'll be able to work normally (it won't) and that I won't qualify? Every time I get close to asking about it I freak out.
Anyhow appointment overall went good. I'm gaining weight but that could just be due to irregular eating, not eating as healthily, and being stuck in this fucking room, ugh. Both of the mood stabilising medicines she has me on are shown to be weight-neutral. As in they don't make you gain weight, which is a common trait of most mood stabilisers.
I've been struggling badly with mania on and off the past what, two weeks? week and a half?
Yeah, yeah, I know "Wait, isn't mania great?"
No. No it fucking isn't.
In it's own way mania is just as bad as depression. For sure it's a helluva lot more dangerous with the exception of suicidal depression and then it's a tie.
Wanna know why?
Because nothing bothers you, and nothing can go wrong. Whereas depression I don't eat or shower or get up out of bed because I don't have the will to do so, when I'm actually manic (not hypomanic, which is far more common, or mixed state which is my natural state) I just don't give any fucks.
Forget to eat? Oh well it's okay I don't really need to eat that badly. Sleep? Pah, who needs it! I'm fine on three hours a night, if that. What's that? Have I been drinking water? Oh well.. I'll do it later.
Being in a perpetually positive mood is fucking dangerous especially when mixed with a feeling of basically being invincible and nothing being able to hurt you, you can live through anything so it doesn't matter. I very rarely get voices or psychoses (such as the urge to try to fly off a twenty story building...) thank fuck, but it has happened in the past.
Then there's the agitation. When I am manic I get agitated easily. I get aggravated easily. I get so fucking pissed off that I just want to punch people in the fucking face.
Over the tiniest things.
Nothing.
It's horrible.
Add in racing thoughts, completely being unable to focus on anything, a genuine inability to sleep long, and being in such an overall good mood that I think I don't need my medicine...
Not good.
So I talked to my doctor about it and she suggested I get a medicine tray and set a timer/alarm for a couple hours after I wake up to make sure to check the tray. She also suggested that instead of taking my gabapentin three times a day I take one in the morning and then two at night, so I don't have to worry about forgetting my afternoon dose. She also doubled the dosage because even when I'm on my medicine I'm still having some problems with not eating well and agitation and racing thoughts and then the mood swings and jumping back and forth between mania and depression multiple times daily and sometimes multiple times hourly.. yeah.
So anyhow she doubled my dose instead of putting me on something else, since this is working spectacularly.
She asked if I needed more of my alprazolam and I truthfully told her no. with how much less often I am taking it (not even one pill every day) I have plenty enough for a month. In fact when I got home (after taking two to calm me down from the positively foul mood I was in due to my mother), I counted my alprazolam and found I had... thirty! hahaha.
So yeah. We're both pleased with my progress, especially on the tourettes level. It has been two months since I pulled my hair out! And one month since I had a bad episode with lots of scratching. That isn't to say I haven't had scratching episodes, but they haven't lasted long or been severe thanks to the alprazolam.
Overall despite the ongoing problems with mania I feel better. To be honest the idea of being "fixed" is scary. I literally, went from being so depressed that I was in a state of total and complete apathy and had no genuine emotion whatsoever, to bein' "wham bam bpiolar here you go thank you ma'am." I have never in my memory had a single day where I was not either manic, depressed, or a mixture of both. I have never not had rapid mood swings. I don't know who I am without it...
I am being pleasantly surprised. Nothing about me at the core is changing. And the non-core changes have all been good. I'm able to concentrate better, I'm not constantly in a state of panic, the paranoia is SEVERELY cut down - still there, but at that level of me being able to ignore it if I know it's not reasonable. I'm writing again which is a feat in and of itself. I used to have so many traumas associated with writing that it was nigh-on impossible for me to write more than a couple times a year.
So even though I'm still scared, still worried... I'm doin pretty okay right now. :) I'm less worried than I thought I'd be. Becauase maybe who I am isn't the bad person I've always made myself out to be.
Tuesday, 4 June 2013
I don't know...
...exactly where I want this post to go.
There is a lot of stuff that could be talked about, and a lot of stuff on my mind, so this one will probably be labelled with "rambling" because I suspect it will be very much me just rambling on about different things.
First off: Name change has gone out the window for now. It costs almost 160 dollars, and so it is something that will have to happen after I get on SSI disability (NOT social security - more on that, next, I suppose), assuming I do. Knowing this is a good thing, even though it sucks that it's so expensive - it is also incredibly straightforward. In Indiana you had to run a large notification in a big newspaper for three weeks in order to get your name changed, as well as jump through lots of hoops and hurdles and pay a large fee. Here it's just fill out papers, pay the fee, and then get copies so you can change Social Security card and Driver's License or ID, and anything else needing changed. I found out that unless I change my social security card I don't need to bother with anything else and both of those for food stamps and SafetyNet are a simple rescanning and change of information forms, it doesn't affect my status, so yay!
Now, on SSI: SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. For people who cannot work and have not been able to work enough to earn any chance of social security, there is SSI. It is similar to welfare, or benefits, or unemployment, only more permanent (sometimes) and harder to get into. I have not worked enough to earn much social security credit, and have not held a job in oh, what, seven years? because of mental and physical disability: tourette's syndrome being the physical; crippling social anxiety and severe bipolar as well as intense paranoia being the mental. We're working on getting me to a level of beieng able to just function on a daily basis with medication, but that is just functioning. That does not mean I will be able to go out and look for a job and survive with my physical and mental health intact if I manage to get a job. I have some very self-destructive tics, such as pulling my hair (out), scratching my arms (til they bleed), digging my nails into my skin (similarly, until it bleeds), biting my cheeks/lips/tongue (until bleeding)... and while I do not do them frequently, I also actively avoid any situation that might possibly set me off. I also do things like cut my nails to the quick every week to keep them short so that they have less chance of harming me, got my tongue pierced and actively switch my tic out to biting that instead of my cheeks/lips/tongue, keep toilet paper around to put between my nails and my arms...
I'm not one of those "lazy, just want to not work" people. I ache with self-detesting guilt sometimes, because I don't work, and from the idea that I am even considering trying to get on SSI; but it does not change the fact that I am, whether I think it most of the time or not, whether it outwardly seems so or not, pretty damn severely disabled. It is not that I do not want to work. It is that I cannot work a job that is stable, and trying to work from home is only something that would bring me lots of bad experience because phones are frightening, I cannot always summon the will to work, and depression is more frequent for me than mania so I would end up having a breakdown similar to the three I had while I tried to attend college (I have tried both online, and in person).
I need a way to support myself until I can get to a point of stability that I can find things to do to similarly support myself, if it is even possible. I need a way to support myself to even try. And that is where SSI comes in. I've already taken the first steps, being that of therapy and medication, and now we have to get in touch with the lawyer that we are using to help, and hopefully I will qualify. The fear is that I have a lot of things wrong that combine to be severe enough to disable me, but each thing on its own is not enough to qualify me as disabled. They have tests to check for a person's functionality, but what if those tests happen on a "good" day, or on a day when I am manic? What then? I can function fine when I am manic, even to the point of being a social butterfly at parties, but that is not an accurate portrayal of who I am on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis. Similarly, do I take my medicine? or go how I normally am? Could I even function enough to get to the testing without freaking out without it?
It's a long, arduous, and scary process. Everyone around me seems certain that it will happen, except myself. Everyone thinks I qualify easily, except myself. And I wonder if that in and of itself will be a hindrance because it's hard to convince someone else that you are disabled when you grew up being forcefully told you were not and cannot even convince yourself that you are.
-sigh- On and on, let's change topic shall we? kitten, you may not feel up to reading this part just yet so skip over it if you need since you already know most of this anyhow. Whenever I write another note in this colours you can just start reading again. <3
My appointment went well. My pdoc easily understood that the fact that medication works is scary, helped ease my fears, and did put me on a daily anti-anxiety - sort of. It's really a mood-stabiliser and anti-epileptic that has been shown to have great properties for aiding with severe anxiety, and just the fact that I have not even taken a whole xanax every day since friday shows that it works. Because my saphris is also a mood stabiliser as well as an anti-psychotic (to help with paranoia) she cut my dose in half, and because xanax is meant to be taken as emergency/as needed rather than as "need it to function" as I had been been taking it (note: I was not abusing it, and was told I could take it that way, but that is not how it should be taken and my pdoc is very smart and knows this) she also cut my dose from three pills a day allowed to two.
Not that I've needed them much. One day I didn't take any, being Saturday. Sunday I took one, yesterday I took one, and today I have taken half of one (just recently actually)
Seriously, it's fucking frightening how damn well this new med works, and my doctor is amazing and understands that and doesn't patronise me or act as if she is all-knowing, and I really just like her a lot, and am glad I have her as a doctor. I need to talk to her about seeing if she can aid in me getting on SSI, actually. She is already helping so much and seems to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that I am able to get as much help as I can since she knows I can't work like this. As I said before, right now we are just trying to get me to a state of "I can function on a daily basis without being in a constant state of panic". It's working remarkably well. I've even talked to my uncle twice without freaking out. (He is a lot like two of the men in my life who were emotionally and mentally (some would say physically too.. for one of them) abusive towards me, so he sets me off really bad sometimes) Although I did just take half a pill after the two interactions, still, normally I would have felt such strong symptoms that I would have needed an entire pill immediately. not just felt the stirrings of an attack coming on and taken half a pill to prevent it.
So yeah, there's that done with. kitten you may begin reading again if you stopped.
Lets see, I also wanted to talk about hypnosis with kitten and how that is coming along! I have done two recordings for her, using a trance-trigger. They are working okay but not as well as we need them too, so I am going to (tomorrow, hopefully, if I get the alone time) record an induction (one that we know works for her that I simply modified to suit sleeping position) and deepener. The deepener I am very proud of as it was the first thing I ever wrote on my own, meant to be used more than once.
Modifying it for speech rather than text has been an hours-long process but so worth it. I love the extra scope it gives me. Instead of telling kitten to take herself deeper, I get to lead the way. I get to add in all those details that make the experience more realistic. Comparing the two, well.. it's clear that I know more what I am doing now, and aside from the general direction being the same, there is almost no comparison. The same things happen, in totally different ways. The detail is so much more intense, and dammit I really wish my goddamned uncle had left when he was supposed to so I could record this now.
-fidgets- if I turn the ac back on I might record it anyways. I seriously want to record this for kitten, to get her reaction to it, to hear her pleasure at how well it worked. Even though I have less faith in it than she does, I still know that it'll work at least somewhat. And when I allow my logic to take over, I know that it will work incredibly effectively, especially because it is familiar to her, and she knows what to expect, to an extent (I have been talking to her about it, plus as I said, it is a modification of the first deepener I ever wrote for her)... and that it will blow her expectations out of the water.
I know it sounds very vain of me, and I hate sounding that way because really I have serious self-confidence issues, and actively try not to be vain or pompous or anything like that. It's only that now I know what I am doing, know her better, have more experience... and it already worked insanely effectively to begin with!
There is almost no way on earth that it wouldn't work, seriously. It would take a lot for it to not work, and I'm not that incompetent, seriously.
Maybe once I know he is asleep I'll record it, so she can use it tonight. Or maybe while he's awake even. The ac will effectively muffle my voice, and I can always noisereduce it like I did the others. (thank goodness for Audacity, woo. love that program) ...yes I am paranoid enough that even though I was completely ans totally alone when I recorded the other two files, I kept the ac on to muffle my voice. This is part of why I am on medication, yo. XD
ANYHOW lol. Lessee. There was one more thing, I think... Oh! Right! kitten has her exams now, spaced over the next two weeks, so wishing her luck on them and sending her good vibes so that she can work effectively would be appreciated for anyone who comes across this and reads it before her exams are over!
I think I've rambled enough for now. Imma go check on files and see how much time I need to give to kitten and count up how much we've used over the weekend and yesterday to detract from the hours she has earned. Might just be lazy and count it all as one of my "free" sessions since I've only used two out of six.. yeah.. that sounds like a good idea :3 And much less work for a nervy and tired Mari.
There is a lot of stuff that could be talked about, and a lot of stuff on my mind, so this one will probably be labelled with "rambling" because I suspect it will be very much me just rambling on about different things.
First off: Name change has gone out the window for now. It costs almost 160 dollars, and so it is something that will have to happen after I get on SSI disability (NOT social security - more on that, next, I suppose), assuming I do. Knowing this is a good thing, even though it sucks that it's so expensive - it is also incredibly straightforward. In Indiana you had to run a large notification in a big newspaper for three weeks in order to get your name changed, as well as jump through lots of hoops and hurdles and pay a large fee. Here it's just fill out papers, pay the fee, and then get copies so you can change Social Security card and Driver's License or ID, and anything else needing changed. I found out that unless I change my social security card I don't need to bother with anything else and both of those for food stamps and SafetyNet are a simple rescanning and change of information forms, it doesn't affect my status, so yay!
Now, on SSI: SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. For people who cannot work and have not been able to work enough to earn any chance of social security, there is SSI. It is similar to welfare, or benefits, or unemployment, only more permanent (sometimes) and harder to get into. I have not worked enough to earn much social security credit, and have not held a job in oh, what, seven years? because of mental and physical disability: tourette's syndrome being the physical; crippling social anxiety and severe bipolar as well as intense paranoia being the mental. We're working on getting me to a level of beieng able to just function on a daily basis with medication, but that is just functioning. That does not mean I will be able to go out and look for a job and survive with my physical and mental health intact if I manage to get a job. I have some very self-destructive tics, such as pulling my hair (out), scratching my arms (til they bleed), digging my nails into my skin (similarly, until it bleeds), biting my cheeks/lips/tongue (until bleeding)... and while I do not do them frequently, I also actively avoid any situation that might possibly set me off. I also do things like cut my nails to the quick every week to keep them short so that they have less chance of harming me, got my tongue pierced and actively switch my tic out to biting that instead of my cheeks/lips/tongue, keep toilet paper around to put between my nails and my arms...
I'm not one of those "lazy, just want to not work" people. I ache with self-detesting guilt sometimes, because I don't work, and from the idea that I am even considering trying to get on SSI; but it does not change the fact that I am, whether I think it most of the time or not, whether it outwardly seems so or not, pretty damn severely disabled. It is not that I do not want to work. It is that I cannot work a job that is stable, and trying to work from home is only something that would bring me lots of bad experience because phones are frightening, I cannot always summon the will to work, and depression is more frequent for me than mania so I would end up having a breakdown similar to the three I had while I tried to attend college (I have tried both online, and in person).
I need a way to support myself until I can get to a point of stability that I can find things to do to similarly support myself, if it is even possible. I need a way to support myself to even try. And that is where SSI comes in. I've already taken the first steps, being that of therapy and medication, and now we have to get in touch with the lawyer that we are using to help, and hopefully I will qualify. The fear is that I have a lot of things wrong that combine to be severe enough to disable me, but each thing on its own is not enough to qualify me as disabled. They have tests to check for a person's functionality, but what if those tests happen on a "good" day, or on a day when I am manic? What then? I can function fine when I am manic, even to the point of being a social butterfly at parties, but that is not an accurate portrayal of who I am on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis. Similarly, do I take my medicine? or go how I normally am? Could I even function enough to get to the testing without freaking out without it?
It's a long, arduous, and scary process. Everyone around me seems certain that it will happen, except myself. Everyone thinks I qualify easily, except myself. And I wonder if that in and of itself will be a hindrance because it's hard to convince someone else that you are disabled when you grew up being forcefully told you were not and cannot even convince yourself that you are.
-sigh- On and on, let's change topic shall we? kitten, you may not feel up to reading this part just yet so skip over it if you need since you already know most of this anyhow. Whenever I write another note in this colours you can just start reading again. <3
My appointment went well. My pdoc easily understood that the fact that medication works is scary, helped ease my fears, and did put me on a daily anti-anxiety - sort of. It's really a mood-stabiliser and anti-epileptic that has been shown to have great properties for aiding with severe anxiety, and just the fact that I have not even taken a whole xanax every day since friday shows that it works. Because my saphris is also a mood stabiliser as well as an anti-psychotic (to help with paranoia) she cut my dose in half, and because xanax is meant to be taken as emergency/as needed rather than as "need it to function" as I had been been taking it (note: I was not abusing it, and was told I could take it that way, but that is not how it should be taken and my pdoc is very smart and knows this) she also cut my dose from three pills a day allowed to two.
Not that I've needed them much. One day I didn't take any, being Saturday. Sunday I took one, yesterday I took one, and today I have taken half of one (just recently actually)
Seriously, it's fucking frightening how damn well this new med works, and my doctor is amazing and understands that and doesn't patronise me or act as if she is all-knowing, and I really just like her a lot, and am glad I have her as a doctor. I need to talk to her about seeing if she can aid in me getting on SSI, actually. She is already helping so much and seems to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that I am able to get as much help as I can since she knows I can't work like this. As I said before, right now we are just trying to get me to a state of "I can function on a daily basis without being in a constant state of panic". It's working remarkably well. I've even talked to my uncle twice without freaking out. (He is a lot like two of the men in my life who were emotionally and mentally (some would say physically too.. for one of them) abusive towards me, so he sets me off really bad sometimes) Although I did just take half a pill after the two interactions, still, normally I would have felt such strong symptoms that I would have needed an entire pill immediately. not just felt the stirrings of an attack coming on and taken half a pill to prevent it.
So yeah, there's that done with. kitten you may begin reading again if you stopped.
Lets see, I also wanted to talk about hypnosis with kitten and how that is coming along! I have done two recordings for her, using a trance-trigger. They are working okay but not as well as we need them too, so I am going to (tomorrow, hopefully, if I get the alone time) record an induction (one that we know works for her that I simply modified to suit sleeping position) and deepener. The deepener I am very proud of as it was the first thing I ever wrote on my own, meant to be used more than once.
Modifying it for speech rather than text has been an hours-long process but so worth it. I love the extra scope it gives me. Instead of telling kitten to take herself deeper, I get to lead the way. I get to add in all those details that make the experience more realistic. Comparing the two, well.. it's clear that I know more what I am doing now, and aside from the general direction being the same, there is almost no comparison. The same things happen, in totally different ways. The detail is so much more intense, and dammit I really wish my goddamned uncle had left when he was supposed to so I could record this now.
-fidgets- if I turn the ac back on I might record it anyways. I seriously want to record this for kitten, to get her reaction to it, to hear her pleasure at how well it worked. Even though I have less faith in it than she does, I still know that it'll work at least somewhat. And when I allow my logic to take over, I know that it will work incredibly effectively, especially because it is familiar to her, and she knows what to expect, to an extent (I have been talking to her about it, plus as I said, it is a modification of the first deepener I ever wrote for her)... and that it will blow her expectations out of the water.
I know it sounds very vain of me, and I hate sounding that way because really I have serious self-confidence issues, and actively try not to be vain or pompous or anything like that. It's only that now I know what I am doing, know her better, have more experience... and it already worked insanely effectively to begin with!
There is almost no way on earth that it wouldn't work, seriously. It would take a lot for it to not work, and I'm not that incompetent, seriously.
Maybe once I know he is asleep I'll record it, so she can use it tonight. Or maybe while he's awake even. The ac will effectively muffle my voice, and I can always noisereduce it like I did the others. (thank goodness for Audacity, woo. love that program) ...yes I am paranoid enough that even though I was completely ans totally alone when I recorded the other two files, I kept the ac on to muffle my voice. This is part of why I am on medication, yo. XD
ANYHOW lol. Lessee. There was one more thing, I think... Oh! Right! kitten has her exams now, spaced over the next two weeks, so wishing her luck on them and sending her good vibes so that she can work effectively would be appreciated for anyone who comes across this and reads it before her exams are over!
I think I've rambled enough for now. Imma go check on files and see how much time I need to give to kitten and count up how much we've used over the weekend and yesterday to detract from the hours she has earned. Might just be lazy and count it all as one of my "free" sessions since I've only used two out of six.. yeah.. that sounds like a good idea :3 And much less work for a nervy and tired Mari.
Wednesday, 29 May 2013
/Lesigh
It's that time of the month. No posts lately and likely none til I am over this.
Although, do have pdoc appointment on friday, which will be.. interesting. I have some shit to bring up. Am very worried they will put me on a daily preventative anxiety suppressant as well as my PRN, and as well as my Saphris. Despite my ocd with threes, my hard limit for pills is actually 4. I will not let myself take/be put on more than 4 types of medication simultaneously (excluding allergy meds) and if they want to fight me on that they fucking can but my aim is to get to a point where I can function on a daily basis, not take a fucking cocktail of pills and be drugged up.
I might be changing my name soon - legally - to include my "real" name in it. We ("we" being my mother and I) are going to look into it on friday before or after my appointment. Probably before. It's best to find out whether it's even feasible, money-wise before bringing it up with the food stamps and pdoc office to see about getting it changed for official stuff. Thank fuck I have no bank accounts or car/insurance or any shit like that. Just my I.D. (cannot drive, tourettes makes for deadly game of chance) and food stamps and being on safetynet for healthcare.
Those shouldn't be too difficult to change, especially since I am just adding Marina in, not taking anything else out. But in any case we have to find out how to do it and what paperwork and fees and all sorts of things have to be calculated. I am glad I brought this up to my mother, because she is being shockingly accepting of it. I think me not wanting to get rid of my first or middle names is a factor. I just wanna slip Marina between the two so I can walk up to someone and say with the full force of legality behind it "Hi, my name is (insert first name here) Marina, I prefer to be called Mari." I'm excited, to say the least.
Anyhow that's about it, I may or may not have a post on friday, or any other day for a week to a week and a half depending how long this lasts. Or maybe sooner as well. Whoooo fucking knows. Not me that's for sure.
Although, do have pdoc appointment on friday, which will be.. interesting. I have some shit to bring up. Am very worried they will put me on a daily preventative anxiety suppressant as well as my PRN, and as well as my Saphris. Despite my ocd with threes, my hard limit for pills is actually 4. I will not let myself take/be put on more than 4 types of medication simultaneously (excluding allergy meds) and if they want to fight me on that they fucking can but my aim is to get to a point where I can function on a daily basis, not take a fucking cocktail of pills and be drugged up.
I might be changing my name soon - legally - to include my "real" name in it. We ("we" being my mother and I) are going to look into it on friday before or after my appointment. Probably before. It's best to find out whether it's even feasible, money-wise before bringing it up with the food stamps and pdoc office to see about getting it changed for official stuff. Thank fuck I have no bank accounts or car/insurance or any shit like that. Just my I.D. (cannot drive, tourettes makes for deadly game of chance) and food stamps and being on safetynet for healthcare.
Those shouldn't be too difficult to change, especially since I am just adding Marina in, not taking anything else out. But in any case we have to find out how to do it and what paperwork and fees and all sorts of things have to be calculated. I am glad I brought this up to my mother, because she is being shockingly accepting of it. I think me not wanting to get rid of my first or middle names is a factor. I just wanna slip Marina between the two so I can walk up to someone and say with the full force of legality behind it "Hi, my name is (insert first name here) Marina, I prefer to be called Mari." I'm excited, to say the least.
Anyhow that's about it, I may or may not have a post on friday, or any other day for a week to a week and a half depending how long this lasts. Or maybe sooner as well. Whoooo fucking knows. Not me that's for sure.
Thursday, 23 May 2013
If it ain't broke, don't fix it...right?
But what if it IS broken. Or breaking? Or changing in inconceivably enormous ways that are scary and unprecedented and worrisome, but completely, wholly, and totally needed?
Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.
We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.
Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.
There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.
This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.
So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.
But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else. This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".
Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.
It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.
Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3
Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.
We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.
Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.
There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.
This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.
So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.
But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else. This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".
Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.
It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.
Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3
Friday, 17 May 2013
Sleeping
I find that the hardest single thing to deal with and try to work around in my particular LDR is sleep patterns.
kitten and I are both insomniacs. For similar and different reasons, really. She hates to sleep. Period. She doesn't like being asleep, I'm fairly certain it even frightens her on some level, which is not an irrational thing. Sleep is scary for me too. But, that is only occasionally why I am such an insomniac, more frequently is that I have bipolar and am 75% of the time (maybe 80%) in a mixed state. Which means with symptoms of mania and depression simultaneously. Usually I jump back and forth between a depressed mania (dysphoric mania) and a manic depression (agitated depression) several times a week or even a day. Which means insomnia is rampant, especially the kind where I am exhausted but just cannot fucking sleep!
I'm currently being medicated for this; not the insomnia itself, but the bipolar type in general with something called Saphris which knocks. me. flat. I liked/loved it at first but I've recently learned that if kitten is awake when I take it I can't stand it. I hate it so much and it's scary, being forced to sleep when I want to stay awake. The anxiety could probably be gotten over by taking half a Xanax (my PRN - aka as needed - for general and social anxiety) but I dislike having to take those at all.
I am trying to get a balance so that I am awake still and can help kitten sleep through hypnosis and other means (she is particularly fond of hypnosis, as am I), before I take my medicine and pass the fuck out so that the anxiety of being torn away from her, and the worry about not being there when she needs me, is not present.
The problem, really, lies in wanting to be there when she wakes up and to put her to sleep and to stay with her all day, and that is just not possible. I'm thinking of starting a 4-6 hours at night, 3-5 hours at day schedule so that I nap while she is in classes or studying, and then am able to wake up before or when she does and sleep after she does. Partly because I usually wake up after four to six hours of sleep unable to sleep anyfuckinghow and get sick of trying to force myself back to sleep.
It's frustrating and difficult and it makes me realise that even more, no matter how easy things seem to be going, there is a long and trying road ahead of us. I am prepared to work with what I have, and can only hope that what I have is enough, I suppose. <3<3<3
I love thee, mine kitten.
Anyhow, I just needed to ramble and get thoughts out. Which is exactly what this place is for :)
kitten and I are both insomniacs. For similar and different reasons, really. She hates to sleep. Period. She doesn't like being asleep, I'm fairly certain it even frightens her on some level, which is not an irrational thing. Sleep is scary for me too. But, that is only occasionally why I am such an insomniac, more frequently is that I have bipolar and am 75% of the time (maybe 80%) in a mixed state. Which means with symptoms of mania and depression simultaneously. Usually I jump back and forth between a depressed mania (dysphoric mania) and a manic depression (agitated depression) several times a week or even a day. Which means insomnia is rampant, especially the kind where I am exhausted but just cannot fucking sleep!
I'm currently being medicated for this; not the insomnia itself, but the bipolar type in general with something called Saphris which knocks. me. flat. I liked/loved it at first but I've recently learned that if kitten is awake when I take it I can't stand it. I hate it so much and it's scary, being forced to sleep when I want to stay awake. The anxiety could probably be gotten over by taking half a Xanax (my PRN - aka as needed - for general and social anxiety) but I dislike having to take those at all.
I am trying to get a balance so that I am awake still and can help kitten sleep through hypnosis and other means (she is particularly fond of hypnosis, as am I), before I take my medicine and pass the fuck out so that the anxiety of being torn away from her, and the worry about not being there when she needs me, is not present.
The problem, really, lies in wanting to be there when she wakes up and to put her to sleep and to stay with her all day, and that is just not possible. I'm thinking of starting a 4-6 hours at night, 3-5 hours at day schedule so that I nap while she is in classes or studying, and then am able to wake up before or when she does and sleep after she does. Partly because I usually wake up after four to six hours of sleep unable to sleep anyfuckinghow and get sick of trying to force myself back to sleep.
It's frustrating and difficult and it makes me realise that even more, no matter how easy things seem to be going, there is a long and trying road ahead of us. I am prepared to work with what I have, and can only hope that what I have is enough, I suppose. <3<3<3
I love thee, mine kitten.
Anyhow, I just needed to ramble and get thoughts out. Which is exactly what this place is for :)
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