Updates!!!

Counselling appointment last week went well. My counsellor is proud of me and thinks I am making good progress. I filled out some of my CBT forms and he said it was very clear that I am putting a lot of effort into my therapy and he is glad that I'm trying so hard.

This week I have case manager and an appointment with my new pdoc. Nervous about both things for some reason. The new pdoc I can understand but not so much the case manager because even though I haven't gotten the goal done I have legitimate reasons for it. So idk. On that note, my medicine has been working wonderfully and I haven't had to up the dosage of my xanax again so far, and I haven't been experiencing unpleasant side effects for any of my medicine and I've not been missing doses of the meds I take regularly. So YAY!

My kitten has exams this coming two weeks and also a paper due shortly after the last exam. This is actually great timing for us getting back into the swing of things! When we first started veering more towards 24/7 it had a lot to do with her schooling and study schedules and such, so this is familiar territory for both of us and I am getting the hang of it again. It's different to what she had to do in college, but not too much different. It might be weird but I feel most comfortable with punishment as a part of our dynamic - not physical punishment very often; mostly things like being banned from games or telly, being ignored, having to write lines, etc. Sometimes I'll make her flick herself in an unpleasant way to discourage a negative behaviour but it doesn't happen very often.

As far as other things go, the sexual side of things is going well I think. I am trying to find a balance between enough sex and not too much or too little. Though I think for my kitten it is a rare day when there is "too much", but still. Some days I'm just not in the mood when she is and it leaves us unbalanced. I think it's a carryover from being aysec for that month and a half or so. I'm still getting my libido back and some days it just blanks out. But I think so far I've done a good job of making sure her needs and wants are met to the best of my ability.

So, progress! Things are going much better than they were a month ago. :)

Oh yes, The Watch has been used several times since the last post even going as far as two days between uses and not having to use the script to retrain the trigger, but we haven't had a chance to use it in several days so I have a suspicion that next time I'll have to retrain the trigger. We'll see though, I suppose I'll have to write another post about it once I get the chance to use it on kitten. ^_~

Just A Little Something From me

I am struggling. Like, really struggling. 

The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me. 

Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that. 

Except I do.

I know exactly where I fit.

Right at my Mistress' feet. 

This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed. 

(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)

The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study. 

When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.  

I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.