What counts as abuse?

Rachelkitten and I were having a discussion on what should count in our relationship as abuse, when I was upset and said - as I have said before, but never ever acted on - that I wanted to slap her upside the head for being so stubborn and stupid about not making sure her needs are met. She asked me very bluntly several minutes later, when was I going to hit her, and it surprised me because I thought it was clear that I'd never do something like that. But then she said something that really got me thinking because sometimes she has panic attacks or refuses to do something that is necessary and no amount of talking will get through to her. She said "because nothing else seems to work, maybe that will."

The reason it made me think is because I get like that. Not in the same way all the time, but even as a Dom sometimes I have panic attacks that I cannot be shaken from without a thorough slap, and I would never consider that abuse, it's the only method that works is all. As a sub sometimes I get very self-abusive and neglect myself, because of being sbused by my previous D's, and I fully agree with her reasoning as a submissive - sometimes the only way to make me wake up and stop being fucking stupid is a good slap.

So we had this discussion and had some trouble because of the double standard of whoever is dominant being allowed to hit the submissive, but not the other way around. We finally decided that since both of us have a tendency to have panic attacks that we can't be otherwise pulled from, these rules go both ways. If the dominant one is having a freakout or something and absolutely everything else has been tried and nothing else works, the submissive is allowed to slap them to snap them out of it. But only after everything else has been tried.

Finally, we came up with a simple and concise rule as to what exactly for the two of us counts as abuse in our relationship.

Anything outside of sex-play that will mark the skin for more than a few hours counts as abuse, excepting a slap containing sharp fingernails. Pinching anything except nipples also counts as abuse, because it severely sets off kitten due to abuse from an ex of hers (well sort of an ex, it's complicated).

So punching and kicking and caning are all definitely abuse. Scratching her while slapping her is okay but only to be used in really severe situations. Slapping is fine so long as it isn't a really hard slap. This all goes for the reverse and is okay for her to do to me as well, whether I am D or s at the time.

I have to be clear on something. We don't use physical things for punishment almost ever - instead we do things like writing lines, being ignored for periods of time (never ever days, or really ever more than an hour or two unless severe disobedience/breaking rules), being banned from tv and/or videogames; those are what we use as punishment, not things like cropping. Cropping is sex-play, not punishment (although yes, it can indeed be Funishment). This is only for extreme situations, we're not going to be going around slapping each other over minor shit. But when nothing will get through to the other person, this is what is allowed, that is the rule for what counts as abuse.

I felt like it should be clarified here out in public so not only do we know for ourselves, but if it ever comes up in the blog, and someone says something about it, we can link them to this and go "Here, this is what we consider the guideline, this is what we consensually decided for just between ourselves as to what counts for abuse and what doesn't."

I'll write something about how life has changed recently later on, because I want this to stand alone. Ta loveys.

Okay, so, LOTS of news here.

First off, let's get the vanilla things out of the way. Moved in with grandparents proper, in their spare bedroom, mom is sleeping on the bed in the den. The camper will soon be not working out due to heat issues  (the AC only works with the roof uncovered, alas; it is spring and thus rain is an ever present threat, which means links will be sprung and tarp must stay on.) and before we had so many cold spells that even our nice big new heater couldn't handle it. It's very stressful but I have handled it a lot better than expected.

My ex-roommate is sending some of my things to me which will help considerably. I miss my stuff.

My counsellor is super pleased with my progress and suggested a new step in therapy: peer support centre. There is one in the town that I live in and it is relatively close by and SETHRA (the pseudo-bus system) can pick me up and take me down there for only a dollar since it is in town, if my grandma can't take me. I'll be looking into it soonish I hope.

The above moving thing is part of why I haven't written anything lately, stress out the wazoo. I went semi-aysec for a while as well and that always makes blogging difficult.

I HAVE LOST A WHOLE LOT OF WEIGHT. And yet my tits continue to grow. /lesigh On the one hand I love large breasts, and having them, but on the other the bigger my boobs are the harder crossdressing is. :/ Maxie has the same problem.

OK NOW. Explanation for the below. Maxie is technically kitten's pet-name, and kitten is her position as well as another pet name. Her birth name is Rachel, and she has no problems with the name whatsoever, but I have never felt right using it for many reasons none of which will probably ever be written here.

Onto the D/s part of our relationship now. 

As I have written about before I am sure (if not, oh well) I am a switch. Most of the time I am definitely Dominant but I have moments of extreme submission - usually following emotional crises. When I have a severe panic attack out of nowhere, or when I am feeling incredibly insecure and incompetent and things of that nature, I either get submissive after or am submissive during those times. There are other situations, but those are the big ones.

The thing is, the person who used to Dom me is really pretty vanilla outside of obviously the domination thing (which he's more of a daddy-dom anyways and not super dominant anyhow) and a size kink. And lately when we mess around it's more of a he just needs to get off and I am his best friend and always willing to help him because we have had our weird relationship for over ten years now.

I have severe trust issues. There are basically only two people I trust now to really dominate me - well kind of three but me and that person don't really mess around, it's complicated - and... one of those people is Maxie.

It might seem odd to some who read this but I know to others it will make perfect sense. Especially taking into consideration the hypnosis aspect of our relationship. I trust her more than I trust any person on this earth. I have always known she was a switch but previous subs of mine did not want to see any part of that side of me and preferred to pretend it didn't exist...

Well one night this past week I was really loopy from not sleeping enough and such and finally confessed to her that I'd really like to at least try her dominating me sexually some day. We're already switchy outside of sex - I am bipolar and have social anxiety/phobia and tourettes and a general muleheadedness about taking medicine for panic attacks until I am already in one so she has permission carte blanche to order me to take my damned xanax already.

She said I had already said something along the lines and I clarified: I didn't want to pressure her, but I really really really wanted to try switching during sex at least once.

We decided that if it happened naturally we'd try it and see how it went; if it screwed up the rest of the dynamic then no more. If it didn't - well we'd officially become a switchy couple with me the Mistress most of time but kitten the Mistress at other times when she or I needed it.

I had one of the aforementioned panic attacks earlier, and kitten noticed pretty soon afterwards that I was in a pretty out of it state of mind and correctly read it as me being submissive and scared shitless despite my medicine.

So she took charge. And in the perfect way. And we had mind-blowing sex (well through text and on call but fucking still holy shit) not just once but twice. Both of us agreed that it was definitely not going to be a one time thing. We also decided that me calling her kitten and her calling me Mistress had been pretty kinky but it wouldn't suffice for permanent. I am now her luna and she is my Mistress Rachel. We decided since I never ever use her birth name but she actually likes it (unlike me where I can't fucking stand mine), it was the best possible solution. Trying it out led to the second instance of sex.

So, there will be two new tags in this blog now, and the "Mistress" tag is basically getting retired, kitten (or me, after the fact) will tag her posts Mistress Mari if they have to do with me, and luna will tag her posts Mistress Rachel if they have to do with her.

So, um.... yeah. Kinda crazy, but the really awesomeazing kind of crazy and things went so much better than they could have and I really think we definitely made the right decision doing this. Hopefully she will write a post tomorrow or sometime soon about her thoughts.

(Also holy fuck is she a damn good Domme. *_*)

~Mari <3

Getting back into the groove of things

Is very difficult when suddenly you're ill and don't feel like doing anything.

Seriously. Way fucking difficult. All I want to do is sleep or read instead of doing things I need to do, and as a result my schedule is completely out of whack and I'm all freaking nocturnal now. Not to mention I am on my stinkin' period on top of all that.

Anyway; things are progressing somewhat. We've had a bump in the road to normalcy, one that goes by the name of Kira.

Kira's an old friend and pet and more-than-friend of mine (it's Complicated with a capital "c") who sort of disappeared from our lives around nine or ten months ago. Now, in the long run, this was a good thing because it meant that I was suddenly truly giving up on us being anything more than close friends and soul sisters, and as a result focused a lot more on kitten. That meant that kitten and I grew closer and closer than we already were, and developed into the strong relationship we have now.

But suddenly a few weeks ago Kira appeared back in our lives and everything got turned upside down. I almost lost kitten, and I'm sure that if it hadn't been for me adamantly assuring her that there was no way in hell I was letting Kira replace her, she would have tried really hard to return to second place like she thought she had been before Kira left.

One small problem with that though, and that is that she wasn't second place by the time Kira left.

Maxiekitten was already taking place in the hole Kira left behind even before Kira left, and it turned out Kira saw that (it wasn't like I was actively hiding it or anything, I was being very open about the changes going on and she was being very supportive of those changes for various reasons) and thought that things would progress better if she wasn't around. That isn't to say she left on purpose, but things went to shit in her life and she lost contact and once contact was gone she didn't try too hard to get it back for a while, because of that.

Reading over it this all sounds very confusing and in dire need of clarification. Kira is an ex-girlfriend of mine who is only recently (within the past year and a half) an "ex". She's been my best friend for around nine or ten years now, and we have been everything from soul-sibs to lovers to Mistress/pet. She came to me for healing the second time she entered my life, she was in an unhealthy marriage and being mistreated by her husband in many ways, even though he never hit her. He was always first in her life, and I knew that we weren't really meant to be more than soul-sibs in the long run but I fell in love with her all over again (I had been in love with her the first time I knew her but we were both in the closet) despite knowing this and ended up with a lapful of heartache for my efforts. It wasn't that she didn't love me, but her husband, no matter how much he mistreated her, always came first. (Just so you know, no cheating was going on, he knew about me and didn't give a damn because he knew she'd never leave him for me.)

Eventually their relationship hit rock bottom and they split up and she leaned on me even more but I was still never first place. There was always someone else, or the hope for someone else. She was always looking for a replacement for him, until shortly before she left when suddenly she started to grow more independent and I realised that she didn't need me to support her any more, as well as that I would probably never really be first in her heart. She had a little bit of difficulty coming to the realisation that she didn't need me how she thought she did though, even after re-entering my life for a second time, but since I was second-place in her life for almost the entire time I knew her, she is happy now that I finally have someone I am willing to put first in my heart that isn't her.

I think she's still struggling a little bit with the change because unlike kitten and I she didn't have anyone else to take my place when she left us behind, but she's taking the changes well and like I said, actively encouraged us to grow closer in the past. She has someone to take my place now as her Dominant though, so kitten doesn't have to share me with her as a Mistress, which is for the best really. I think kitten would have shared me even though she didn't want to, and would have ended up resenting us both for it.

I don't know that for sure though. That's just my thinking. In either case, she doesn't have to share me in that way, Kira is accepting me as a sister instead of a lover or girlfriend or Mistress, even if she's having to fight old habits somewhat to do so.

So anyways, yeah, we're finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine but it's taking forever because things keep getting in the way; first Kira came back, now I'm sick, and I'm also on my cycle. I can only hope that nothing else decides it would be fun to get in the way of kitten and I trying to get back to how things were, but this illness seems damn determined to get in our way enough as it is.

Then again, I think the whole mess with Kira is a good thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that if Kira hadn't come back, kitten would always wonder if she was really first in my heart and would always wonder if Kira might come back and take her place. But now she knows for sure that it won't happen because Kira came back and kitten is still first in my heart. <3

Just A Little Something From me

I am struggling. Like, really struggling. 

The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me. 

Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that. 

Except I do.

I know exactly where I fit.

Right at my Mistress' feet. 

This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed. 

(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)

The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study. 

When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.  

I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.

When you can't be there.

Sometimes, especially in an LDR, but also in any sort of relationship, life gets in the way. You have a migraine or your allergies are acting up or you have an unexpected project at work or an extra assignment for class or you are freaking out. A death or illness in the family, unexpected plans you forgot about or didn't know about and can't get out of. Shopping trip takes too long, you suddenly aren't in the mood, internet is unreliable (living on a mountain and dealing with satellite internet and a pos computer, that is frequent for me), or you get sick, depressed, exhausted.

These things happen to us rather frequently and I have found that the key to making things work is communication and understanding. kitten is very good at the latter, even when she gets bratty about it sometimes, she is a very understanding person and knows that sometimes even when she needs me most, I can't be there for her and is very good at accepting when I can't, for the most part.

Right now (Note: actually, when I began writing this. I ended up going to bed shortly after without posting due to circumstances beyond my control. It has been two days since I started this post and I am just now getting to finishing it.), is one of those times. I have a horrid headache, and she has an exam, and while I would normally spend this time comforting and calming her, my ability to focus on things is not up to par at the moment. There is a lag between messages, it is raining out and so the internet isn't great to begin with, and this old, run-down laptop that I am using is just not working it's best. But she has been a wonderful sport about it all, and incredibly understanding of my situation, because she knows what is wrong.

In any relationship dynamic, but especially in D/s dynamics, it can be difficult to fess up that shit is going down. It can be difficult to say "I'm sorry, but something came up" or "I have a really bad headache, which is why I am not talking as much" because it is admitting weakness and lack of control over your own life or your own body.

Sometimes our hands are "forced" and we have little choice in the matter, but I think the word force should not be there. I think that it is important to "'fess up" promptly and without fear of being seen as weak, because let's face it; it's easier on your partner to one, know that you are also not perfect, and two, know that it isn't them that's the problem.

A disconnect in communication, this false idea that people are perfect and able to handle everything thrown at them, especially if the person in question is a Dom/me, is a fatal flaw in any relationship, of any kind, but especially romantic ones.  Because if you can't be wrong, if you can't be weak, or you can't be having a shit day and be able to just tell them, then everything falls on them - the blame, the repercussions, and the guilt and self-doubt.

No one can handle that sort of burden, no matter how close to perfection they may seem to be.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it...right?

But what if it IS broken. Or breaking? Or changing in inconceivably enormous ways that are scary and unprecedented and worrisome, but completely, wholly, and totally needed?

Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.

We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.

Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.

There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.

This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.

So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.

But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else.  This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".

Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.

It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.

Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3

Dominance, submission, and hypnosis.

kitten and I have, as of late, been using hypnosis to further her submission. Looking back, I think we had reached a roadblock because I was not really doing things properly, partially by being overcautious.

See, neither kitten nor myself wish for a doormat. I want kitten to still be the little spitfire she can be, I want kitten to still be able to tell me to fuck off when need be and to be able to stand up for herself around others. Including other Dom/mes. But kitten pointed out to me recently, as in today, that she was worried because I was increasing her submission and obedience in general - was worried that she would start being like that for everyone.

Suddenly, I realised, oh, duh. My kitten doesn't want to submit to everyone. My kitten only wants to submit to me. So I promised her from then on I would clarify that she was to deepen her obedience and submission to me. 

There had been plans made for a session tonight that got interrupted by forgotten family plans, which was understood. And the proper session I had in mind just wasn't possible when, after taking a "short" nap, it turned out it had been five hours passed and I had slept through alarm. So instead we "settled" (because sessions and maulings are equally enjoyed, just differently so) for sex. And more sex. And suddenly something happened and I put her under.

It was quite unexpected. Quite as in incredibly, very much, out of the ballpark, unexpected. I found myself feeling much more confident as I took her deeper, as I ordered her to submit and obey and as she, immediately, became completely receptive to my commands when I added "to Mistress" and "to me" to the end of them. 

To me it felt as if instead of saying "Yes" acceptingly and willingly like she had before, she was screaming "YES! FINALLY!" and embracing it with her whole being. 

It felt right. And I took her deeper. And deeper. And deeper. And she became more and more receptive, more and more willing, more and more eager. Especially as I clarified even more, that her submission to me would not hold her back - it would make her more confident, more driven, more powerful in her daily life. 

The session ended with both of us feeling so much better. I found out (I cannot help but brag about this) that she came physically without having to use an outside hypnosis video, which is such a rare and precious and wonderful thing to me. She told me she felt calm. Settled. Stable, even. It ended with me having for the first time experienced topspace and feeling so damn confident and right that it was almost scary! I also experienced a very short topdrop which she helped me through and was quickly back to my normal weird self. 

I lamented not having put the usual trigger of thinking of me and then suggested I put her to bed since it was half 2 in the morning there. We decided together that it would be a voice session this time, and I put her to sleep and instilled the trigger of thinking of me and then made it so that the trigger would strengthen with each use. Making her calm, relaxed, happy. Submissive to me, obedient to me, open to my will. Cause all negative emotions to just roll over her, crash against her and piddle away as if they were nothing. Bad choice of words, that, I meant to say dissipate but couldn't find the word and decided on a slang definition of piddle to be a suitable substitution for the time being. 

Of course this will never be complete. The trigger works but it cannot magically fix everything. 

But I have so much more hope than before and that seems impossible because I had a FUCKTON of hope before now. I just feel so concretely secure that things will be better for both of us now. Maybe it's false hope. Maybe I'm just being weird. Idek. I feel like we have gotten past a block somehow that neither of us really knew was there, and I am hoping and praying that what I feel is right and that this helps because the more she submits to me the happier she seems to get and all I want is my kitten to be happy. 

Being There

I've learned, over time, that a large part of what makes any relationship (especially D/s and other TTWD dynamics) work is simply paying attention to your partner. To their thoughts and ideas. Their needs and wants. Just being there for them.

Even, or maybe especially, in an online or long distance relationship, being there is not just important, but utterly and completely necessary. I say "or maybe", because I have seen far too many in person, face-to-face relationships that didn't work out because of a refusal to do the exact thing I will be talking about in this post, and have experienced it myself.

If you aren't there, how will you know their innermost fears? Their hopes and desires? That the most important thing for them right now is to be loved? That right at this moment the only thing they crave from you is attention/affection/sex/cuddles/a shoulder to cry on/someone to listen to (or to them)?

You can't know this if you aren't there. And being in a LDR, even across countries, does not mean that being there is impossible. Especially when there are things like blogging, which can allow partners to express their thoughts in long-form after much thinking, without interruption and without as much bias as there is in the heat of the moment (or with that bias, when necessary). As well as services such as GTalk (which, did you know, allows for text messaging if one partner has access to a computer?), AIM, Y!M, and Skype. Hearing someone's voice at the end of an exhausting and depressing day can be such a lift. Seeing their face, even, watching that brilliant soft smile light up their features when they realise that they get to see you again; it doesn't have to be limited to in person or in the same country relationships.

When we have things like Google Drive and Dropbox which can share folders, files, voice and/or videos recordings, pictures, and even allow for (in the former case) simultaneous collaborative file editing.

The latter two I find especially important in my particular dynamic because I monitor her schedule. I make sure she is getting her studying done on time, doing enough of it, and getting to bed at a decent time (we are still working on this >.>;;; 5 hour time differences and insomniac tendencies do not make for easy sleep patterns). I make sure she gets her homework and revision done, and she gets treats and rewards in the form of hours to be spent with me doing anything she wishes.

Whether it be cybering or snuggling (intensive snuggling/makeouts - I am very freely affectionate with her anyhow so that has never been asked for, hahaha) or hypnotism or play sessions or whatever else, it is her time to be spent. Half of it is, anyways. The other half is to be spent how I want, so that the hours actually get spent, because I know my kitten has a hard time asking for things she needs, much less wants. Plus, she wishes to serve and submit to me and asking or demanding that her treats be spent a certain way is not submitting, to her. I think it can be when done a certain way but that is just one thing we compromise on.

It has taken a while to finally achieve the balance we have, and none of it would have been even the slightest bit possible if I did not take time out every single day to at least check up on her, if not spend a few hours with her.

More frequently, we are constantly connected, constantly talking. Instant messaging, texting, calling through skype, we are almost always together and it suits us well - but we aren't so attached that we have to talk constantly to be secure. We can spend days with only a short few messages sent between us to check up on and make sure our partner is doing fine.

The point is, despite being so far apart, I am there for her to the absolute best of my ability, and she the same for me. We communicate, we listen, we give affection, and sometimes we will just be on call, saying nothing, relaxing together.

I know many couples that live together cannot say the same, and I know that my first D/s dynamic (More like M/s, with me as the slave) relationship was in person for the most part, even living together, and we largely fell apart not due to incompatibility or even physical abuse, but to neglect. To him not being there for me even when I was being abused (physically, but only to a minor extent, and much more so psychologically) by his friends. To him not trusting or listening to me, not taking time out to make sure my needs were met.

Much (not all, not even most, but definitely some) of the blame is my own, though, because I did not think (or was afraid to admit) that it was wrong of him to treat me like that. So I allowed the treatment. I thought that as his possession he could do with me as he wanted, and allowed the use and psychological abuse, thinking that it was fine - normal, even.

BDSM and TTWD should never be abusive; SSC or RACK, whichever your flavour, should be followed at all times, and I will never disagree with that. But more important than those things, to me, is remembering that neglect is a form of abuse as well, and not being there for your partner will ultimately end in a ruined friendship, relationship, and possibly even a broken person who has to clean up after him or her self because the one person who could help them either would/will not, or has broken their trust so badly that it it would never be allowed even if they were willing.

So more than just keeping a relationship working and running smoothly as possible, whether online, long distance, or in person, being there is possibly the most important thing in a relationship. Especially because "Being There" encompasses so many varied things within a relationship, not just one small aspect that might easily fall by the wayside.