Battling instability

So, back before I created this blog, back before I met kitten, back before florida happened... I was a mask. Or several, really. Marina didn't exist back then. What existed was a person who could not feel emotions because the trauma from being raped multiple times when she was ten made her cut them out of her. Total apathy. Laughter? False. Crying? Only physical pain, and incredibly horrible pain at that. Excitement? A facade. Sadness? What sadness? What fear?

The only thing I genuinely felt for at least three years of my life, was loneliness. Not your normal loneliness. It was like this all-encompassing hole of nothing swallowing me and making me see, every single day of my life, that I was completely, totally alone. That no one I knew understood me or would ever understand me because it was literally impossible for them to do so. So I made masks. I faked emotion. I was never happy, never sad, never angry, never upset, never scared.

Until I hit sixteen. See, I got a real bad case of walking pneumonia when I was fifteen, and was on a regimen of a narcotic cough suppressant to help keep me out of the hospital. Unfortunately it started bringing back memories of things, some good, some bad, that had happened to me as young as 3. I woke up from the dreams confused and befuddled, and convinced that they couldn't have happened to me.

Until I started asking my mom about them. And sure enough, every single dream I brought to her attention was something that was a memory. Of course, some things, like being raped, I didn't mention and didn't want to accept that had happened to me. Unfortunately all this culinated in an explosion. Very shortly before I hit sixteen years old, my masks broke, failed me, and I started feeling things again.

Can you imagine the agony emotions were to me after so long without them? Especially when, the moment I started experiencing emotions, I was experiencing severe bipolarity? I swung wildly back and forth between suicidal depression and dangerous mania. I felt anger so bad that I almost broke my sister's arm in a fit of rage. I was completely unequipped to deal with even normal emotions at this point of my life, and instead of even getting the opportunity to get used to it I was thrust into completely unpredictable instability.

Of course, eventually I learned to deal. Yeah, "dealing" included cutting and other forms of self-injury, "dealing" included becoming a kleptomaniac and thrill-seeker. But at least I wasn't succumbing to the suicidal thoughts any more (I have actively attempted suicide at least three times in my life, and listlessly attempted to waste away more times than I can count), and at least I had an outlet for the extra energy my mania gave me rather than allowing my anger to take control of me and hurt people.

No, it wasn't right, but it was better than what could have happened. It was better than what happened in florida, where I was abused, molested at knifepoint, raped, homeless on multiple occasions, had to steal just to survive. Just to eat. I've gone three weeks eating only one very small meal each week. I've never had to sleep on the street but I couchsurfed on the couches of total strangers for a month and a half. I let my boyfriend use me and his best friends abuse me, and repeatedly left somewhat stable situations in order to be with him, only to be kicked out weeks later.

I've been completely disconnected from any means of possible help and only by the grace of the divine managed to escape that hellhole with my life intact.

And that hole never went away. No matter how many friends I had, no matter who I loved, who I got into relationships with. Until suddenly it was gone one day and I realised that somehow it was kitten, the one person I actively pushed away and tried to avoid getting into a relationship with, that filled it.

The problem is, I'm not used to it being filled up. All those bad habits of pushing people away when I get into unpleasant moods, for their sake and mine both, they still exist.

What do you do when habit tells you to push someone away even though you know that it wont fix the problem? What do you do when even though you want to tell someone to stay, you order them to leave, and they have no choice but to obey you because you don't give them any other choice?

More importantly, how do you break these habits and form healthier ones?

I feel very lost and torn right now. I don't know what to do. I've been through so much shit in my life, more in my 27 years than most people experience in 90, and all my friends come to me for advice and I can help them just fine. I always have the right answers.. so why can't I find the right answers for myself?

I don't know what to do, and that's a really hard thing for me to admit.

Getting back into the groove of things

Is very difficult when suddenly you're ill and don't feel like doing anything.

Seriously. Way fucking difficult. All I want to do is sleep or read instead of doing things I need to do, and as a result my schedule is completely out of whack and I'm all freaking nocturnal now. Not to mention I am on my stinkin' period on top of all that.

Anyway; things are progressing somewhat. We've had a bump in the road to normalcy, one that goes by the name of Kira.

Kira's an old friend and pet and more-than-friend of mine (it's Complicated with a capital "c") who sort of disappeared from our lives around nine or ten months ago. Now, in the long run, this was a good thing because it meant that I was suddenly truly giving up on us being anything more than close friends and soul sisters, and as a result focused a lot more on kitten. That meant that kitten and I grew closer and closer than we already were, and developed into the strong relationship we have now.

But suddenly a few weeks ago Kira appeared back in our lives and everything got turned upside down. I almost lost kitten, and I'm sure that if it hadn't been for me adamantly assuring her that there was no way in hell I was letting Kira replace her, she would have tried really hard to return to second place like she thought she had been before Kira left.

One small problem with that though, and that is that she wasn't second place by the time Kira left.

Maxiekitten was already taking place in the hole Kira left behind even before Kira left, and it turned out Kira saw that (it wasn't like I was actively hiding it or anything, I was being very open about the changes going on and she was being very supportive of those changes for various reasons) and thought that things would progress better if she wasn't around. That isn't to say she left on purpose, but things went to shit in her life and she lost contact and once contact was gone she didn't try too hard to get it back for a while, because of that.

Reading over it this all sounds very confusing and in dire need of clarification. Kira is an ex-girlfriend of mine who is only recently (within the past year and a half) an "ex". She's been my best friend for around nine or ten years now, and we have been everything from soul-sibs to lovers to Mistress/pet. She came to me for healing the second time she entered my life, she was in an unhealthy marriage and being mistreated by her husband in many ways, even though he never hit her. He was always first in her life, and I knew that we weren't really meant to be more than soul-sibs in the long run but I fell in love with her all over again (I had been in love with her the first time I knew her but we were both in the closet) despite knowing this and ended up with a lapful of heartache for my efforts. It wasn't that she didn't love me, but her husband, no matter how much he mistreated her, always came first. (Just so you know, no cheating was going on, he knew about me and didn't give a damn because he knew she'd never leave him for me.)

Eventually their relationship hit rock bottom and they split up and she leaned on me even more but I was still never first place. There was always someone else, or the hope for someone else. She was always looking for a replacement for him, until shortly before she left when suddenly she started to grow more independent and I realised that she didn't need me to support her any more, as well as that I would probably never really be first in her heart. She had a little bit of difficulty coming to the realisation that she didn't need me how she thought she did though, even after re-entering my life for a second time, but since I was second-place in her life for almost the entire time I knew her, she is happy now that I finally have someone I am willing to put first in my heart that isn't her.

I think she's still struggling a little bit with the change because unlike kitten and I she didn't have anyone else to take my place when she left us behind, but she's taking the changes well and like I said, actively encouraged us to grow closer in the past. She has someone to take my place now as her Dominant though, so kitten doesn't have to share me with her as a Mistress, which is for the best really. I think kitten would have shared me even though she didn't want to, and would have ended up resenting us both for it.

I don't know that for sure though. That's just my thinking. In either case, she doesn't have to share me in that way, Kira is accepting me as a sister instead of a lover or girlfriend or Mistress, even if she's having to fight old habits somewhat to do so.

So anyways, yeah, we're finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine but it's taking forever because things keep getting in the way; first Kira came back, now I'm sick, and I'm also on my cycle. I can only hope that nothing else decides it would be fun to get in the way of kitten and I trying to get back to how things were, but this illness seems damn determined to get in our way enough as it is.

Then again, I think the whole mess with Kira is a good thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that if Kira hadn't come back, kitten would always wonder if she was really first in my heart and would always wonder if Kira might come back and take her place. But now she knows for sure that it won't happen because Kira came back and kitten is still first in my heart. <3

Polyamory?

So I just finished reading this entry on Pygar's blog. Before anyone reads this I suggest they go read that post and the article linked to in it.

I started writing a comment but it grew long-winded since polyamory is a subject very close to my heart, being that I am poly myself.

In direct answer to the questions asked I would say this: Yes, I have had failed poly relationships, mostly because of self-centrism (I'll talk about that in this blog post); I think the article is interesting and should be read by more people, because it smacks of truth and from a biological standpoint it is highly accurate; I believe polyamory is most natural but being repressed; and finally, in my experience gender is not as much of an issue as sexuality. Most heterosexual people I have met have been the least open to polyamorous relationships, with bisexual and pansexual people being the most open.

Being pansexual myself probably lends itself to partly of why I am so polyamorous.

Let me explain that. For those who don't know, pansexuality is basically saying fuckitall to gender. That isn't saying pansexuals can't have a preference (mine runs towards femininity, be it male, female, trans, queer, or whatever), but gender is like hair colour to us. I don't care if you're a brunette or a redhead or have vividly purple hair, in fact in the latter case I'd probably just ask where you got it done. The same goes with gender. I personally feel like limiting myself to a specific set of genders is limiting who I can love. And loving someone is the most wonderful feeling on earth, so why on earth would I place a limit on who I can love?

The same goes with my polyamory. I love to love. I feel like I have so much love to give to other people that it seems unfair to both myself and anyone who cares for me to limit myself. Some people would say it's selfishness but I say it's the opposite - there is no double standard here. I have three people I romantically love aside from my kitten and they are all more tied to other people than myself. Good for them. I want their happiness with whomever they choose, even or especially if it isn't me.

If my kitten ever found a playmate she wanted, found someone she loved and wanted to get into a relationship with, I would encourage it. (In fact I have done this before.) I want her to be happy and if limiting herself to only me means she is less happy then I refuse to do that to her. Maxiekitten is my biggest love and the most important to me, but all of my others are very, very important to me as well and I love them all equally. The only reason I love them less is because they in turn love me less than who they are also with. It levels and equals out.

Now, the part of my post that is more in line with Pygar's question of whether monogamy or polyamory was more natural. I think it sort of differs. Certainly among animals monogamy is less natural. But humans have slowly developed a culture where monogamy is prevalent.

But it wasn't always so. Monogamy is a pretty recent thing, historically speaking, and if you want to disagree just read the damn bible of all things. Polygamy's everywhere in the old testament, and was widely accepted as how things were done. I think the world's culture moving to being more self-centric (everything is all about "me", "me", "me" - "my" wants, "my" needs, "my" desires, making sure "I" get fulfilled firstly and more importantly to anything else) is what makes polyamory harder.

It's becoming about not wanting to share. I am poly. I am also in a somewhat monogamous relationship because my love is not poly, not completely so anyways. There are people in my life that I have had for longer than her, and she is perfectly accepting of them and understanding, so long as I don't shove it in her face. She is also open to the idea of having a playmate, but scared of fully sharing me. I am not looking for anyone else, firstly because I respect her fears and second because, honestly, I am the luckiest person on earth to have so much love in my life, it would be selfish to ask for even more and I am content with what I have.

It's like we feel that sharing leads to losing, somehow. Personally I think it's the opposite. As I stated before, I am polyamorous partly because I am a giving person. I have all this love inside of me, how could I be so selfish as to focus it on one person and one person alone? How could I be so selfish as to expect the people I love more than anything to selfishly focus only on me and not find more and more happiness? If my kitten ever found someone she loved and wanted me to share her with, I would gladly accept it, as I said before. I would encourage it. Because it is selfish of me to do otherwise.

And yes, by doing so I risk becoming less important to her, but you know what?

It's more important to me that she be as happy as she can possibly be, than it is that I be the most important person in her life. Because to me, that is what love is about. Wanting someone to be happy and to make them happy more than you want anything else.

And I think that monogamy stands in the way of that because of how we see it as a society as the be-all and end-all of relationships.  I do NOT think monogamy is wrong. I think monogamy is perfectly and exactly what some people need to be happy. I do however think that how society views it in general is detrimental to the happiness of every person who could possibly be poly and is being held back because it's "unacceptable".

The biggest hindrance to relationships of any kind is dishonesty, and I think that dishonesty to oneself is even worse than dishonesty to one's partner(s). And with how we view monogamy it is very hard for poly people to be honest with themselves about their leanings, which leads to cheating, lacking communication, and broken hearts.

Okay I should probably shut up now before I go on another rant, hahaha. Pygar, I want to thank you for such a great post and great questions to answer, it really inspired me.

When you can't be there.

Sometimes, especially in an LDR, but also in any sort of relationship, life gets in the way. You have a migraine or your allergies are acting up or you have an unexpected project at work or an extra assignment for class or you are freaking out. A death or illness in the family, unexpected plans you forgot about or didn't know about and can't get out of. Shopping trip takes too long, you suddenly aren't in the mood, internet is unreliable (living on a mountain and dealing with satellite internet and a pos computer, that is frequent for me), or you get sick, depressed, exhausted.

These things happen to us rather frequently and I have found that the key to making things work is communication and understanding. kitten is very good at the latter, even when she gets bratty about it sometimes, she is a very understanding person and knows that sometimes even when she needs me most, I can't be there for her and is very good at accepting when I can't, for the most part.

Right now (Note: actually, when I began writing this. I ended up going to bed shortly after without posting due to circumstances beyond my control. It has been two days since I started this post and I am just now getting to finishing it.), is one of those times. I have a horrid headache, and she has an exam, and while I would normally spend this time comforting and calming her, my ability to focus on things is not up to par at the moment. There is a lag between messages, it is raining out and so the internet isn't great to begin with, and this old, run-down laptop that I am using is just not working it's best. But she has been a wonderful sport about it all, and incredibly understanding of my situation, because she knows what is wrong.

In any relationship dynamic, but especially in D/s dynamics, it can be difficult to fess up that shit is going down. It can be difficult to say "I'm sorry, but something came up" or "I have a really bad headache, which is why I am not talking as much" because it is admitting weakness and lack of control over your own life or your own body.

Sometimes our hands are "forced" and we have little choice in the matter, but I think the word force should not be there. I think that it is important to "'fess up" promptly and without fear of being seen as weak, because let's face it; it's easier on your partner to one, know that you are also not perfect, and two, know that it isn't them that's the problem.

A disconnect in communication, this false idea that people are perfect and able to handle everything thrown at them, especially if the person in question is a Dom/me, is a fatal flaw in any relationship, of any kind, but especially romantic ones.  Because if you can't be wrong, if you can't be weak, or you can't be having a shit day and be able to just tell them, then everything falls on them - the blame, the repercussions, and the guilt and self-doubt.

No one can handle that sort of burden, no matter how close to perfection they may seem to be.

I don't know...

...exactly where I want this post to go.

There is a lot of stuff that could be talked about, and a lot of stuff on my mind, so this one will probably  be labelled with "rambling" because I suspect it will be very much me just rambling on about different things.

First off: Name change has gone out the window for now. It costs almost 160 dollars, and so it is something that will have to happen after I get on SSI disability (NOT social security - more on that, next, I suppose), assuming I do. Knowing this is a good thing, even though it sucks that it's so expensive - it is also incredibly straightforward. In Indiana you had to run a large notification in a big newspaper for three weeks in order to get your name changed, as well as jump through lots of hoops and hurdles and pay a large fee.  Here it's just fill out papers, pay the fee, and then get copies so you can change Social Security card and Driver's License or ID, and anything else needing changed. I found out that unless I change my social security card I don't need to bother with anything else and both of those for food stamps and SafetyNet are a simple rescanning and change of information forms, it doesn't affect my status, so yay!

Now, on SSI: SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. For people who cannot work and have not been able to work enough to earn any chance of social security, there is SSI. It is similar to welfare, or benefits, or unemployment, only more permanent (sometimes) and harder to get into. I have not worked enough to earn much social security credit, and have not held a job in oh, what, seven years? because of mental and physical disability: tourette's syndrome being the physical; crippling social anxiety and severe bipolar as well as intense paranoia being the mental. We're working on getting me to a level of beieng able to just function on a daily basis with medication, but that is just functioning. That does not mean I will be able to go out and look for a job and survive with my physical and mental health intact if I manage to get a job. I have some very self-destructive tics, such as pulling my hair (out), scratching my arms (til they bleed), digging my nails into my skin (similarly, until it bleeds), biting my cheeks/lips/tongue (until bleeding)... and while I do not do them frequently, I also actively avoid any situation that might possibly set me off. I also do things like cut my nails to the quick every week to keep them short so that they have less chance of harming me, got my tongue pierced and actively switch my tic out to biting that instead of my cheeks/lips/tongue, keep toilet paper around to put between my nails and my arms...

I'm not one of those "lazy, just want to not work" people. I ache with self-detesting guilt sometimes, because I don't work, and from the idea that I am even considering trying to get on SSI; but it does not change the fact that I am, whether I think it most of the time or not, whether it outwardly seems so or not, pretty damn severely disabled. It is not that I do not want to work. It is that I cannot work a job that is stable, and trying to work from home is only something that would bring me lots of bad experience because phones are frightening, I cannot always summon the will to work, and depression is more frequent for me than mania so I would end up having a breakdown similar to the three I had while I tried to attend college (I have tried both online, and in person).

I need a way to support myself until I can get to a point of stability that I can find things to do to similarly support myself, if it is even possible. I need a way to support myself to even try. And that is where SSI comes in. I've already taken the first steps, being that of therapy and medication, and now we have to get in touch with the lawyer that we are using to help, and hopefully I will qualify. The fear is that I have a lot of things wrong that combine to be severe enough to disable me, but each thing on its own is not enough to qualify me as disabled. They have tests to check for a person's functionality, but what if those tests happen on a "good" day, or on a day when I am manic? What then? I can function fine when I am manic, even to the point of being a social butterfly at parties, but that is not an accurate portrayal of who I am on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis. Similarly, do I take my medicine? or go how I normally am? Could I even function enough to get to the testing without freaking out without it?

It's a long, arduous, and scary process. Everyone around me seems certain that it will happen, except myself. Everyone thinks I qualify easily, except myself. And I wonder if that in and of itself will be a hindrance because it's hard to convince someone else that you are disabled when you grew up being forcefully told you were not and cannot even convince yourself that you are.

-sigh- On and on, let's change topic shall we? kitten, you may not feel up to reading this part just yet so skip over it if you need since you already know most of this anyhow. Whenever I write another note in this colours you can just start reading again. <3

My appointment went well. My pdoc easily understood that the fact that medication works is scary, helped ease my fears, and did put me on a daily anti-anxiety - sort of. It's really a mood-stabiliser and anti-epileptic that has been shown to have great properties for aiding with severe anxiety, and just the fact that I have not even taken a whole xanax every day since friday shows that it works. Because my saphris is also a mood stabiliser as well as an anti-psychotic (to help with paranoia) she cut my dose in half, and because xanax is meant to be taken as emergency/as needed rather than as "need it to function" as I had been been taking it (note: I was not abusing it, and was told I could take it that way, but that is not how it should be taken and my pdoc is very smart  and knows this) she also cut my dose from three pills a day allowed to two.

Not that I've needed them much. One day I didn't take any, being Saturday. Sunday I took one, yesterday I took one, and today I have taken half of one (just recently actually)

Seriously, it's fucking frightening how damn well this new med works, and my doctor is amazing and understands that and doesn't patronise me or act as if she is all-knowing, and I really just like her a lot, and am glad I have her as a doctor. I need to talk to her about seeing if she can aid in me getting on SSI, actually. She is already helping so much and seems to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that I am able to get as much help as I can since she knows I can't work like this. As I said before, right now we are just trying to get me to a state of "I can function on a daily basis without being in a constant state of panic".  It's working remarkably well. I've even talked to my uncle twice without freaking out. (He is a lot like two of the men in my life who were emotionally and mentally (some would say physically too.. for one of them) abusive towards me, so he sets me off really bad sometimes) Although I did just take half a pill after the two interactions, still, normally I would have felt such strong symptoms that I would have needed an entire pill  immediately. not just felt the stirrings of an attack coming on and taken half a pill to prevent it.

So yeah, there's that done with. kitten you may begin reading again if you stopped. 

Lets see, I also wanted to talk about hypnosis with kitten and how that is coming along! I have done two recordings for her, using a trance-trigger. They are working okay but not as well as we need them too, so I am going to (tomorrow, hopefully, if I get the alone time) record an induction (one that we know works for her that I simply modified to suit sleeping position) and deepener. The deepener I am very proud of as it was the first thing I ever wrote on my own, meant to be used more than once.

Modifying it for speech rather than text has been an hours-long process but so worth it. I love the extra scope it gives me. Instead of telling kitten to take herself deeper, I get to lead the way. I get to add in all those details that make the experience more realistic. Comparing the two, well.. it's clear that I know more what I am doing now, and aside from the general direction being the same, there is almost no comparison. The same things happen, in totally different ways. The detail is so much more intense, and dammit I really wish my goddamned uncle had left when he was supposed to so I could record this now.

-fidgets- if I turn the ac back on I might record it anyways. I seriously want to record this for kitten, to get her reaction to it, to hear her pleasure at how well it worked. Even though I have less faith in it than she does, I still know that it'll work at least somewhat. And when I allow my logic to take over, I know that it will work incredibly effectively, especially because it is familiar to her, and she knows what to expect, to an extent (I have been talking to her about it, plus as I said, it is a modification of the first deepener I ever wrote for her)... and that it will blow her expectations out of the water.

I know it sounds very vain of me, and I hate sounding that way because really I have serious self-confidence issues, and actively try not to be vain or pompous or anything like that. It's only that now I know what I am doing, know her better, have more experience... and it already worked insanely effectively to begin with!

There is almost no way on earth that it wouldn't work, seriously. It would take a lot for it to not work, and I'm not that incompetent, seriously.

Maybe once I know he is asleep I'll record it, so she can use it tonight. Or maybe while he's awake even. The ac will effectively muffle my voice, and I can always noisereduce it like I did the others. (thank goodness for Audacity, woo. love that program) ...yes I am paranoid enough that even though I was completely ans totally alone when I recorded the other two files, I kept the ac on to muffle my voice.  This is part of why I am on medication, yo. XD

ANYHOW lol. Lessee. There was one more thing, I think... Oh! Right! kitten has her exams now, spaced over the next two weeks, so wishing her luck on them and sending her good vibes so that she can work effectively would be appreciated for anyone who comes across this and reads it before her exams are over!

I think I've rambled enough for now. Imma go check on files and see how much time I need to give to kitten and count up how much we've used over the weekend and yesterday to detract from the hours she has earned. Might just be lazy and count it all as one of my "free" sessions since I've only used two out of six.. yeah.. that sounds like a good idea :3 And much less work for a nervy and tired Mari.

/Lesigh

It's that time of the month. No posts lately and likely none til I am over this.

Although, do have pdoc appointment on friday, which will be.. interesting. I have some shit to bring up. Am very worried they will put me on a daily preventative anxiety suppressant as well as my PRN, and as well as my Saphris. Despite my ocd with threes, my hard limit for pills is actually 4. I will not let myself take/be put on more than 4 types of medication simultaneously (excluding allergy meds) and if they want to fight me on that they fucking can but my aim is to get to a point where I can function on a daily basis, not take a fucking cocktail of pills and be drugged up.

I might be changing my name soon - legally - to include my "real" name in it. We ("we" being my mother and I) are going to look into it on friday before or after my appointment. Probably before. It's best to find out whether it's even feasible, money-wise before bringing it up with the food stamps and pdoc office to see about getting it changed for official stuff. Thank fuck I have no bank accounts or car/insurance or any shit like that. Just my I.D. (cannot drive, tourettes makes for deadly game of chance) and food stamps and being on safetynet for healthcare.

Those shouldn't be too difficult to change, especially since I am just adding Marina in, not taking anything else out. But in any case we have to find out how to do it and what paperwork and fees and all sorts of things have to be calculated. I am glad I brought this up to my mother, because she is being shockingly accepting of it. I think me not wanting to get rid of my first or middle names is a factor. I just wanna slip Marina between the two so I can walk up to someone and say with the full force of legality behind it "Hi, my name is (insert first name here) Marina, I prefer to be called Mari." I'm excited, to say the least.

Anyhow that's about it, I may or may not have a post on friday, or any other day for a week to a week and a half depending how long this lasts. Or maybe sooner as well. Whoooo fucking knows. Not me that's for sure.

Sleeping

I find that the hardest single thing to deal with and try to work around in my particular LDR is sleep patterns.

kitten and I are both insomniacs. For similar and different reasons, really. She hates to sleep. Period. She doesn't like being asleep, I'm fairly certain it even frightens her on some level, which is not an irrational thing. Sleep is scary for me too. But, that is only occasionally why I am such an insomniac, more frequently is that I have bipolar and am 75% of the time (maybe 80%) in a mixed state. Which means with symptoms of mania and depression simultaneously. Usually I jump back and forth between a depressed mania (dysphoric mania) and a manic depression (agitated depression) several times a week or even a day. Which means insomnia is rampant, especially the kind where I am exhausted but just cannot fucking sleep!

I'm currently being medicated for this; not the insomnia itself, but the bipolar type in general with something called Saphris which knocks. me. flat. I liked/loved it at first but I've recently learned that if kitten is awake when I take it I can't stand it. I hate it so much and it's scary, being forced to sleep when I want to stay awake. The anxiety could probably be gotten over by taking half a Xanax (my PRN - aka as needed - for general and social anxiety) but I dislike having to take those at all.

I am trying to get a balance so that I am awake still and can help kitten sleep through hypnosis and other means (she is particularly fond of hypnosis, as am I), before I take my medicine and pass the fuck out so that the anxiety of being torn away from her, and the worry about not being there when she needs me, is not present.

The problem, really, lies in wanting to be there when she wakes up and to put her to sleep and to stay with her all day, and that is just not possible. I'm thinking of starting a 4-6 hours at night, 3-5 hours at day schedule so that I nap while she is in classes or studying, and then am able to wake up before or when she does and sleep after she does. Partly because I usually wake up after four to six hours of sleep unable to sleep anyfuckinghow and get sick of trying to force myself back to sleep.

It's frustrating and difficult and it makes me realise that even more, no matter how easy things seem to be going, there is a long and trying road ahead of us. I am prepared to work with what I have, and can only hope that what I have is enough, I suppose. <3<3<3

I love thee, mine kitten.

Anyhow, I just needed to ramble and get thoughts out. Which is exactly what this place is for :)

Being There

I've learned, over time, that a large part of what makes any relationship (especially D/s and other TTWD dynamics) work is simply paying attention to your partner. To their thoughts and ideas. Their needs and wants. Just being there for them.

Even, or maybe especially, in an online or long distance relationship, being there is not just important, but utterly and completely necessary. I say "or maybe", because I have seen far too many in person, face-to-face relationships that didn't work out because of a refusal to do the exact thing I will be talking about in this post, and have experienced it myself.

If you aren't there, how will you know their innermost fears? Their hopes and desires? That the most important thing for them right now is to be loved? That right at this moment the only thing they crave from you is attention/affection/sex/cuddles/a shoulder to cry on/someone to listen to (or to them)?

You can't know this if you aren't there. And being in a LDR, even across countries, does not mean that being there is impossible. Especially when there are things like blogging, which can allow partners to express their thoughts in long-form after much thinking, without interruption and without as much bias as there is in the heat of the moment (or with that bias, when necessary). As well as services such as GTalk (which, did you know, allows for text messaging if one partner has access to a computer?), AIM, Y!M, and Skype. Hearing someone's voice at the end of an exhausting and depressing day can be such a lift. Seeing their face, even, watching that brilliant soft smile light up their features when they realise that they get to see you again; it doesn't have to be limited to in person or in the same country relationships.

When we have things like Google Drive and Dropbox which can share folders, files, voice and/or videos recordings, pictures, and even allow for (in the former case) simultaneous collaborative file editing.

The latter two I find especially important in my particular dynamic because I monitor her schedule. I make sure she is getting her studying done on time, doing enough of it, and getting to bed at a decent time (we are still working on this >.>;;; 5 hour time differences and insomniac tendencies do not make for easy sleep patterns). I make sure she gets her homework and revision done, and she gets treats and rewards in the form of hours to be spent with me doing anything she wishes.

Whether it be cybering or snuggling (intensive snuggling/makeouts - I am very freely affectionate with her anyhow so that has never been asked for, hahaha) or hypnotism or play sessions or whatever else, it is her time to be spent. Half of it is, anyways. The other half is to be spent how I want, so that the hours actually get spent, because I know my kitten has a hard time asking for things she needs, much less wants. Plus, she wishes to serve and submit to me and asking or demanding that her treats be spent a certain way is not submitting, to her. I think it can be when done a certain way but that is just one thing we compromise on.

It has taken a while to finally achieve the balance we have, and none of it would have been even the slightest bit possible if I did not take time out every single day to at least check up on her, if not spend a few hours with her.

More frequently, we are constantly connected, constantly talking. Instant messaging, texting, calling through skype, we are almost always together and it suits us well - but we aren't so attached that we have to talk constantly to be secure. We can spend days with only a short few messages sent between us to check up on and make sure our partner is doing fine.

The point is, despite being so far apart, I am there for her to the absolute best of my ability, and she the same for me. We communicate, we listen, we give affection, and sometimes we will just be on call, saying nothing, relaxing together.

I know many couples that live together cannot say the same, and I know that my first D/s dynamic (More like M/s, with me as the slave) relationship was in person for the most part, even living together, and we largely fell apart not due to incompatibility or even physical abuse, but to neglect. To him not being there for me even when I was being abused (physically, but only to a minor extent, and much more so psychologically) by his friends. To him not trusting or listening to me, not taking time out to make sure my needs were met.

Much (not all, not even most, but definitely some) of the blame is my own, though, because I did not think (or was afraid to admit) that it was wrong of him to treat me like that. So I allowed the treatment. I thought that as his possession he could do with me as he wanted, and allowed the use and psychological abuse, thinking that it was fine - normal, even.

BDSM and TTWD should never be abusive; SSC or RACK, whichever your flavour, should be followed at all times, and I will never disagree with that. But more important than those things, to me, is remembering that neglect is a form of abuse as well, and not being there for your partner will ultimately end in a ruined friendship, relationship, and possibly even a broken person who has to clean up after him or her self because the one person who could help them either would/will not, or has broken their trust so badly that it it would never be allowed even if they were willing.

So more than just keeping a relationship working and running smoothly as possible, whether online, long distance, or in person, being there is possibly the most important thing in a relationship. Especially because "Being There" encompasses so many varied things within a relationship, not just one small aspect that might easily fall by the wayside.

Insert Obligatory First Post Here

Soooo hi there! This is going to be a private blog just for myself and my kitten, at least for now. It may or may not be made public any time in the near or far future. I just like writing my thoughts out as if to some third party at times. [Edit: kitten has informed me that she has no issue with this blog becoming public, so here we go! Public away! Who knows if anyone will read other than a friend but hey, it's out there for anyone who wants to see. Kinda scary :o But also exciting. :3]

Maybe I should capitalise those "my"s and such but to be completely honest I do not consider myself to be above anyone else much less my kitten. For a time I even trained myself out of using the English capitalised "I" because I hate how it is so self-centric. However the little niggling grammar-nazi in me looks and goes "Nein! Das ist nicht gut! Das ist falsch!" (I took German in the fourth grade, as well as in high school. Of course meine grammatik-nazi spricht Deutsch. However, admittedly, that part of me hates the centrism of the capitalised I and prefers the German "ich", as well.)

Aaanyways, back to the point! This is just the obligatory first post blah blah blah.

My kitten hates having to do/make introductions (or rather, "about me" sections, which are fairly similar, so mleh :P) so she shan't have to do her own. Mostly, she is just my beloved, precious, treasured pet. I adore and love and cherish her. We have a D/s relationship. Some might see us as M/s but she is not my slave, she is my pet. Many would say there is no difference. I disagree. But the difference is something I cannot easily explain, so, it's whatever.

There is also a fairly noticeable switchy component to our relationship. I am not mentally stable all the time, and unfortunately my kitten has to deal with most of my issues. At the same time though I do try to support her as best as I can and see to her needs, as well as making sure to deal with her issues and help her grow and learn and become who I know she can be. She does not Dominate me and I do not submit to her, however she has every right to tell me I am wrong and why I am wrong, she has every right to put her foot down and say "fuck no" (within reason), and she maintains her own free will. I listen to her advice and I listen to her when she informs me that I am not taking care of myself and am thus being a hypocrite because I expect her to take care of herself. I listen to her when she tells me I need to tell her things, or to calm the fuck down.

However, she belongs to me - completely. I don't care if she plays with someone else, it is just play. Her heart is mine. She submits to me willingly, and in return I give her the domination she desires and needs. I am in control of her. This part is coming along surprisingly quickly; for a very long time we were only sexually D/s and I had no idea she wanted - or, rather, needed - the other side, the 24/7 side more than the sexual side. As I have previously been a submissive in an abusive and neglectful M/s relationship before, fearing that I will or would or could travel into those realms held me back a lot until I finally found that out. Not to say that the sexual side no longer exists, but a balance is being sought out and found. I am learning that I can take control without going too far. And learning that she will immediately tell me when I have gone to far or am heading down that path.

As well, I belong to her, and although that side of the dynamic is more complex, she is still the first in my heart and will be forevermore.

Our relationship is long distance. She lives in England and I in the US. Hopefully I will be moving over there in the span of a few years. Even more hopefully she will be coming to visit me in a year or so. Surprisingly enough this hinders our relationship to less extent than one would imagine, especially with such things as Skype, Gtalk, Dropbox, Google drive, and the like.

Either way, I am taking more control, allowing time for both our needs, and hopefully fulfilling my precious, sweet little kitten's hopes, dreams, and needs. I suppose that's all there is to be said. This blog will probably not centre around D/s but it might. It might be filled with a plethora of things. Who knows. Certainly not I for I know but little; I love thee my kitten, with my entire being.