Well, lotsa shit is goin down in my life lately and I am officially a busy, busy bee. Peer Support, SSI trials, family stupidity, getting ready for kitten to visit me...
Oh, I don't know that I've mentioned that yet.
MY KITTEN IS VISITING FOR CHRISTMAS.
There, big news over, we can all go home.
Oooor maybe not.
luna was out yesterday, and I think she did well considering the circumstances. We're going to try to switch more often now I think. I call Maxie by Rachel mostly now, so her new label in the labels will be Rachelkitten rather than Maxiekitten, unless she asks me to keep it as Maxie just on our blog, in which case I will do.
I'm back in place; on a higher dose of my ap medicine, geodon, which I really fucking adore. I love it. A lot. Like, seriously seriously a LOT. It's amazing. I was so worried about it and I love it.
Peer Support is three days a week for me but it'll become more than that rather soon I believe, although I'll be trying to not do that too often because when Rachel is here I'll only be going one or two days a week because of wanting to spend time with her. I wouldn't go at all only that's not conducive to my therapy and I have classes I am in that will still be going on when I am there and I don't want to miss them.
I got onto SSI Disability! It took only three months, I was accepted immediately as being "severely disabled". Their words, not mine. Soooo yeah. That was a shocker and I had to review my entire worldview and scratch out some of the abuse that my dad gave me over things all being in my head and shit like that, and realise that they aren't, I'm just disabled, and there is nothing wrong with that.
My dad and mema think I'm self-diagnosing and I finally said, enough of that shit, I don't fucking care what they think. It was refreshing and necessary.
Much news, little time to post it! I'll be trying to post once every week or two now though, and to make Rachel post that often too.
Ta ta!
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Friday, 10 October 2014
Thursday, 13 June 2013
Just A Little Something From me
I am struggling. Like, really struggling.
The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me.
Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that.
Except I do.
I know exactly where I fit.
Right at my Mistress' feet.
This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed.
(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)
The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study.
When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.
I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.
The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me.
Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that.
Except I do.
I know exactly where I fit.
Right at my Mistress' feet.
This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed.
(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)
The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study.
When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.
I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.
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