Due to me being dumb I scheduled my appointment later than I should have so I had my appointment a week later than I should have. Sok though. next appt is four weeks from yesterday and we intend so far on continuing once monthly appointments.
I haven't yet had the courage to bring ssi up to my doctor... mostly cos I'm scared of her reaction. What if she thinks the fact that I'm levelling out means I'll be able to work normally (it won't) and that I won't qualify? Every time I get close to asking about it I freak out.
Anyhow appointment overall went good. I'm gaining weight but that could just be due to irregular eating, not eating as healthily, and being stuck in this fucking room, ugh. Both of the mood stabilising medicines she has me on are shown to be weight-neutral. As in they don't make you gain weight, which is a common trait of most mood stabilisers.
I've been struggling badly with mania on and off the past what, two weeks? week and a half?
Yeah, yeah, I know "Wait, isn't mania great?"
No. No it fucking isn't.
In it's own way mania is just as bad as depression. For sure it's a helluva lot more dangerous with the exception of suicidal depression and then it's a tie.
Wanna know why?
Because nothing bothers you, and nothing can go wrong. Whereas depression I don't eat or shower or get up out of bed because I don't have the will to do so, when I'm actually manic (not hypomanic, which is far more common, or mixed state which is my natural state) I just don't give any fucks.
Forget to eat? Oh well it's okay I don't really need to eat that badly. Sleep? Pah, who needs it! I'm fine on three hours a night, if that. What's that? Have I been drinking water? Oh well.. I'll do it later.
Being in a perpetually positive mood is fucking dangerous especially when mixed with a feeling of basically being invincible and nothing being able to hurt you, you can live through anything so it doesn't matter. I very rarely get voices or psychoses (such as the urge to try to fly off a twenty story building...) thank fuck, but it has happened in the past.
Then there's the agitation. When I am manic I get agitated easily. I get aggravated easily. I get so fucking pissed off that I just want to punch people in the fucking face.
Over the tiniest things.
Nothing.
It's horrible.
Add in racing thoughts, completely being unable to focus on anything, a genuine inability to sleep long, and being in such an overall good mood that I think I don't need my medicine...
Not good.
So I talked to my doctor about it and she suggested I get a medicine tray and set a timer/alarm for a couple hours after I wake up to make sure to check the tray. She also suggested that instead of taking my gabapentin three times a day I take one in the morning and then two at night, so I don't have to worry about forgetting my afternoon dose. She also doubled the dosage because even when I'm on my medicine I'm still having some problems with not eating well and agitation and racing thoughts and then the mood swings and jumping back and forth between mania and depression multiple times daily and sometimes multiple times hourly.. yeah.
So anyhow she doubled my dose instead of putting me on something else, since this is working spectacularly.
She asked if I needed more of my alprazolam and I truthfully told her no. with how much less often I am taking it (not even one pill every day) I have plenty enough for a month. In fact when I got home (after taking two to calm me down from the positively foul mood I was in due to my mother), I counted my alprazolam and found I had... thirty! hahaha.
So yeah. We're both pleased with my progress, especially on the tourettes level. It has been two months since I pulled my hair out! And one month since I had a bad episode with lots of scratching. That isn't to say I haven't had scratching episodes, but they haven't lasted long or been severe thanks to the alprazolam.
Overall despite the ongoing problems with mania I feel better. To be honest the idea of being "fixed" is scary. I literally, went from being so depressed that I was in a state of total and complete apathy and had no genuine emotion whatsoever, to bein' "wham bam bpiolar here you go thank you ma'am." I have never in my memory had a single day where I was not either manic, depressed, or a mixture of both. I have never not had rapid mood swings. I don't know who I am without it...
I am being pleasantly surprised. Nothing about me at the core is changing. And the non-core changes have all been good. I'm able to concentrate better, I'm not constantly in a state of panic, the paranoia is SEVERELY cut down - still there, but at that level of me being able to ignore it if I know it's not reasonable. I'm writing again which is a feat in and of itself. I used to have so many traumas associated with writing that it was nigh-on impossible for me to write more than a couple times a year.
So even though I'm still scared, still worried... I'm doin pretty okay right now. :) I'm less worried than I thought I'd be. Becauase maybe who I am isn't the bad person I've always made myself out to be.
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