When you can't be there.

Sometimes, especially in an LDR, but also in any sort of relationship, life gets in the way. You have a migraine or your allergies are acting up or you have an unexpected project at work or an extra assignment for class or you are freaking out. A death or illness in the family, unexpected plans you forgot about or didn't know about and can't get out of. Shopping trip takes too long, you suddenly aren't in the mood, internet is unreliable (living on a mountain and dealing with satellite internet and a pos computer, that is frequent for me), or you get sick, depressed, exhausted.

These things happen to us rather frequently and I have found that the key to making things work is communication and understanding. kitten is very good at the latter, even when she gets bratty about it sometimes, she is a very understanding person and knows that sometimes even when she needs me most, I can't be there for her and is very good at accepting when I can't, for the most part.

Right now (Note: actually, when I began writing this. I ended up going to bed shortly after without posting due to circumstances beyond my control. It has been two days since I started this post and I am just now getting to finishing it.), is one of those times. I have a horrid headache, and she has an exam, and while I would normally spend this time comforting and calming her, my ability to focus on things is not up to par at the moment. There is a lag between messages, it is raining out and so the internet isn't great to begin with, and this old, run-down laptop that I am using is just not working it's best. But she has been a wonderful sport about it all, and incredibly understanding of my situation, because she knows what is wrong.

In any relationship dynamic, but especially in D/s dynamics, it can be difficult to fess up that shit is going down. It can be difficult to say "I'm sorry, but something came up" or "I have a really bad headache, which is why I am not talking as much" because it is admitting weakness and lack of control over your own life or your own body.

Sometimes our hands are "forced" and we have little choice in the matter, but I think the word force should not be there. I think that it is important to "'fess up" promptly and without fear of being seen as weak, because let's face it; it's easier on your partner to one, know that you are also not perfect, and two, know that it isn't them that's the problem.

A disconnect in communication, this false idea that people are perfect and able to handle everything thrown at them, especially if the person in question is a Dom/me, is a fatal flaw in any relationship, of any kind, but especially romantic ones.  Because if you can't be wrong, if you can't be weak, or you can't be having a shit day and be able to just tell them, then everything falls on them - the blame, the repercussions, and the guilt and self-doubt.

No one can handle that sort of burden, no matter how close to perfection they may seem to be.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it...right?

But what if it IS broken. Or breaking? Or changing in inconceivably enormous ways that are scary and unprecedented and worrisome, but completely, wholly, and totally needed?

Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.

We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.

Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.

There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.

This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.

So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.

But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else.  This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".

Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.

It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.

Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3

Dominance, submission, and hypnosis.

kitten and I have, as of late, been using hypnosis to further her submission. Looking back, I think we had reached a roadblock because I was not really doing things properly, partially by being overcautious.

See, neither kitten nor myself wish for a doormat. I want kitten to still be the little spitfire she can be, I want kitten to still be able to tell me to fuck off when need be and to be able to stand up for herself around others. Including other Dom/mes. But kitten pointed out to me recently, as in today, that she was worried because I was increasing her submission and obedience in general - was worried that she would start being like that for everyone.

Suddenly, I realised, oh, duh. My kitten doesn't want to submit to everyone. My kitten only wants to submit to me. So I promised her from then on I would clarify that she was to deepen her obedience and submission to me. 

There had been plans made for a session tonight that got interrupted by forgotten family plans, which was understood. And the proper session I had in mind just wasn't possible when, after taking a "short" nap, it turned out it had been five hours passed and I had slept through alarm. So instead we "settled" (because sessions and maulings are equally enjoyed, just differently so) for sex. And more sex. And suddenly something happened and I put her under.

It was quite unexpected. Quite as in incredibly, very much, out of the ballpark, unexpected. I found myself feeling much more confident as I took her deeper, as I ordered her to submit and obey and as she, immediately, became completely receptive to my commands when I added "to Mistress" and "to me" to the end of them. 

To me it felt as if instead of saying "Yes" acceptingly and willingly like she had before, she was screaming "YES! FINALLY!" and embracing it with her whole being. 

It felt right. And I took her deeper. And deeper. And deeper. And she became more and more receptive, more and more willing, more and more eager. Especially as I clarified even more, that her submission to me would not hold her back - it would make her more confident, more driven, more powerful in her daily life. 

The session ended with both of us feeling so much better. I found out (I cannot help but brag about this) that she came physically without having to use an outside hypnosis video, which is such a rare and precious and wonderful thing to me. She told me she felt calm. Settled. Stable, even. It ended with me having for the first time experienced topspace and feeling so damn confident and right that it was almost scary! I also experienced a very short topdrop which she helped me through and was quickly back to my normal weird self. 

I lamented not having put the usual trigger of thinking of me and then suggested I put her to bed since it was half 2 in the morning there. We decided together that it would be a voice session this time, and I put her to sleep and instilled the trigger of thinking of me and then made it so that the trigger would strengthen with each use. Making her calm, relaxed, happy. Submissive to me, obedient to me, open to my will. Cause all negative emotions to just roll over her, crash against her and piddle away as if they were nothing. Bad choice of words, that, I meant to say dissipate but couldn't find the word and decided on a slang definition of piddle to be a suitable substitution for the time being. 

Of course this will never be complete. The trigger works but it cannot magically fix everything. 

But I have so much more hope than before and that seems impossible because I had a FUCKTON of hope before now. I just feel so concretely secure that things will be better for both of us now. Maybe it's false hope. Maybe I'm just being weird. Idek. I feel like we have gotten past a block somehow that neither of us really knew was there, and I am hoping and praying that what I feel is right and that this helps because the more she submits to me the happier she seems to get and all I want is my kitten to be happy. 

Sleeping

I find that the hardest single thing to deal with and try to work around in my particular LDR is sleep patterns.

kitten and I are both insomniacs. For similar and different reasons, really. She hates to sleep. Period. She doesn't like being asleep, I'm fairly certain it even frightens her on some level, which is not an irrational thing. Sleep is scary for me too. But, that is only occasionally why I am such an insomniac, more frequently is that I have bipolar and am 75% of the time (maybe 80%) in a mixed state. Which means with symptoms of mania and depression simultaneously. Usually I jump back and forth between a depressed mania (dysphoric mania) and a manic depression (agitated depression) several times a week or even a day. Which means insomnia is rampant, especially the kind where I am exhausted but just cannot fucking sleep!

I'm currently being medicated for this; not the insomnia itself, but the bipolar type in general with something called Saphris which knocks. me. flat. I liked/loved it at first but I've recently learned that if kitten is awake when I take it I can't stand it. I hate it so much and it's scary, being forced to sleep when I want to stay awake. The anxiety could probably be gotten over by taking half a Xanax (my PRN - aka as needed - for general and social anxiety) but I dislike having to take those at all.

I am trying to get a balance so that I am awake still and can help kitten sleep through hypnosis and other means (she is particularly fond of hypnosis, as am I), before I take my medicine and pass the fuck out so that the anxiety of being torn away from her, and the worry about not being there when she needs me, is not present.

The problem, really, lies in wanting to be there when she wakes up and to put her to sleep and to stay with her all day, and that is just not possible. I'm thinking of starting a 4-6 hours at night, 3-5 hours at day schedule so that I nap while she is in classes or studying, and then am able to wake up before or when she does and sleep after she does. Partly because I usually wake up after four to six hours of sleep unable to sleep anyfuckinghow and get sick of trying to force myself back to sleep.

It's frustrating and difficult and it makes me realise that even more, no matter how easy things seem to be going, there is a long and trying road ahead of us. I am prepared to work with what I have, and can only hope that what I have is enough, I suppose. <3<3<3

I love thee, mine kitten.

Anyhow, I just needed to ramble and get thoughts out. Which is exactly what this place is for :)

Being There

I've learned, over time, that a large part of what makes any relationship (especially D/s and other TTWD dynamics) work is simply paying attention to your partner. To their thoughts and ideas. Their needs and wants. Just being there for them.

Even, or maybe especially, in an online or long distance relationship, being there is not just important, but utterly and completely necessary. I say "or maybe", because I have seen far too many in person, face-to-face relationships that didn't work out because of a refusal to do the exact thing I will be talking about in this post, and have experienced it myself.

If you aren't there, how will you know their innermost fears? Their hopes and desires? That the most important thing for them right now is to be loved? That right at this moment the only thing they crave from you is attention/affection/sex/cuddles/a shoulder to cry on/someone to listen to (or to them)?

You can't know this if you aren't there. And being in a LDR, even across countries, does not mean that being there is impossible. Especially when there are things like blogging, which can allow partners to express their thoughts in long-form after much thinking, without interruption and without as much bias as there is in the heat of the moment (or with that bias, when necessary). As well as services such as GTalk (which, did you know, allows for text messaging if one partner has access to a computer?), AIM, Y!M, and Skype. Hearing someone's voice at the end of an exhausting and depressing day can be such a lift. Seeing their face, even, watching that brilliant soft smile light up their features when they realise that they get to see you again; it doesn't have to be limited to in person or in the same country relationships.

When we have things like Google Drive and Dropbox which can share folders, files, voice and/or videos recordings, pictures, and even allow for (in the former case) simultaneous collaborative file editing.

The latter two I find especially important in my particular dynamic because I monitor her schedule. I make sure she is getting her studying done on time, doing enough of it, and getting to bed at a decent time (we are still working on this >.>;;; 5 hour time differences and insomniac tendencies do not make for easy sleep patterns). I make sure she gets her homework and revision done, and she gets treats and rewards in the form of hours to be spent with me doing anything she wishes.

Whether it be cybering or snuggling (intensive snuggling/makeouts - I am very freely affectionate with her anyhow so that has never been asked for, hahaha) or hypnotism or play sessions or whatever else, it is her time to be spent. Half of it is, anyways. The other half is to be spent how I want, so that the hours actually get spent, because I know my kitten has a hard time asking for things she needs, much less wants. Plus, she wishes to serve and submit to me and asking or demanding that her treats be spent a certain way is not submitting, to her. I think it can be when done a certain way but that is just one thing we compromise on.

It has taken a while to finally achieve the balance we have, and none of it would have been even the slightest bit possible if I did not take time out every single day to at least check up on her, if not spend a few hours with her.

More frequently, we are constantly connected, constantly talking. Instant messaging, texting, calling through skype, we are almost always together and it suits us well - but we aren't so attached that we have to talk constantly to be secure. We can spend days with only a short few messages sent between us to check up on and make sure our partner is doing fine.

The point is, despite being so far apart, I am there for her to the absolute best of my ability, and she the same for me. We communicate, we listen, we give affection, and sometimes we will just be on call, saying nothing, relaxing together.

I know many couples that live together cannot say the same, and I know that my first D/s dynamic (More like M/s, with me as the slave) relationship was in person for the most part, even living together, and we largely fell apart not due to incompatibility or even physical abuse, but to neglect. To him not being there for me even when I was being abused (physically, but only to a minor extent, and much more so psychologically) by his friends. To him not trusting or listening to me, not taking time out to make sure my needs were met.

Much (not all, not even most, but definitely some) of the blame is my own, though, because I did not think (or was afraid to admit) that it was wrong of him to treat me like that. So I allowed the treatment. I thought that as his possession he could do with me as he wanted, and allowed the use and psychological abuse, thinking that it was fine - normal, even.

BDSM and TTWD should never be abusive; SSC or RACK, whichever your flavour, should be followed at all times, and I will never disagree with that. But more important than those things, to me, is remembering that neglect is a form of abuse as well, and not being there for your partner will ultimately end in a ruined friendship, relationship, and possibly even a broken person who has to clean up after him or her self because the one person who could help them either would/will not, or has broken their trust so badly that it it would never be allowed even if they were willing.

So more than just keeping a relationship working and running smoothly as possible, whether online, long distance, or in person, being there is possibly the most important thing in a relationship. Especially because "Being There" encompasses so many varied things within a relationship, not just one small aspect that might easily fall by the wayside.

Insert Obligatory First Post Here

Soooo hi there! This is going to be a private blog just for myself and my kitten, at least for now. It may or may not be made public any time in the near or far future. I just like writing my thoughts out as if to some third party at times. [Edit: kitten has informed me that she has no issue with this blog becoming public, so here we go! Public away! Who knows if anyone will read other than a friend but hey, it's out there for anyone who wants to see. Kinda scary :o But also exciting. :3]

Maybe I should capitalise those "my"s and such but to be completely honest I do not consider myself to be above anyone else much less my kitten. For a time I even trained myself out of using the English capitalised "I" because I hate how it is so self-centric. However the little niggling grammar-nazi in me looks and goes "Nein! Das ist nicht gut! Das ist falsch!" (I took German in the fourth grade, as well as in high school. Of course meine grammatik-nazi spricht Deutsch. However, admittedly, that part of me hates the centrism of the capitalised I and prefers the German "ich", as well.)

Aaanyways, back to the point! This is just the obligatory first post blah blah blah.

My kitten hates having to do/make introductions (or rather, "about me" sections, which are fairly similar, so mleh :P) so she shan't have to do her own. Mostly, she is just my beloved, precious, treasured pet. I adore and love and cherish her. We have a D/s relationship. Some might see us as M/s but she is not my slave, she is my pet. Many would say there is no difference. I disagree. But the difference is something I cannot easily explain, so, it's whatever.

There is also a fairly noticeable switchy component to our relationship. I am not mentally stable all the time, and unfortunately my kitten has to deal with most of my issues. At the same time though I do try to support her as best as I can and see to her needs, as well as making sure to deal with her issues and help her grow and learn and become who I know she can be. She does not Dominate me and I do not submit to her, however she has every right to tell me I am wrong and why I am wrong, she has every right to put her foot down and say "fuck no" (within reason), and she maintains her own free will. I listen to her advice and I listen to her when she informs me that I am not taking care of myself and am thus being a hypocrite because I expect her to take care of herself. I listen to her when she tells me I need to tell her things, or to calm the fuck down.

However, she belongs to me - completely. I don't care if she plays with someone else, it is just play. Her heart is mine. She submits to me willingly, and in return I give her the domination she desires and needs. I am in control of her. This part is coming along surprisingly quickly; for a very long time we were only sexually D/s and I had no idea she wanted - or, rather, needed - the other side, the 24/7 side more than the sexual side. As I have previously been a submissive in an abusive and neglectful M/s relationship before, fearing that I will or would or could travel into those realms held me back a lot until I finally found that out. Not to say that the sexual side no longer exists, but a balance is being sought out and found. I am learning that I can take control without going too far. And learning that she will immediately tell me when I have gone to far or am heading down that path.

As well, I belong to her, and although that side of the dynamic is more complex, she is still the first in my heart and will be forevermore.

Our relationship is long distance. She lives in England and I in the US. Hopefully I will be moving over there in the span of a few years. Even more hopefully she will be coming to visit me in a year or so. Surprisingly enough this hinders our relationship to less extent than one would imagine, especially with such things as Skype, Gtalk, Dropbox, Google drive, and the like.

Either way, I am taking more control, allowing time for both our needs, and hopefully fulfilling my precious, sweet little kitten's hopes, dreams, and needs. I suppose that's all there is to be said. This blog will probably not centre around D/s but it might. It might be filled with a plethora of things. Who knows. Certainly not I for I know but little; I love thee my kitten, with my entire being.