Change, change change!

Holy shit so much stuff has happened lately!

Let's see, I moved out from where I was staying, into an apartment with my mom. It's interesting. We can't really unpack much due to lack of space and storage areas. I have no dresser and the desk coming to me is taking it's sweet time because grandma is picky with bookcases and she hasn't found one she likes to replace the desk we bought from her. It's fucking frustrating living out of my bins and suitcase still but I'm slowly getting stuff settled in. I have a bookcase in my walk-in closet, as well as a lovely octagonal table/storage thing that I plan to use for an altar. (Yes, I am Pagan. Eclectic Wiccan to be precise. No, my mother has no idea of this and hopefully will never ever ever find out.) That will be going in my closet as well once I get a dresser to put my freaking clothes in. I also have a piece of gorgeous artwork (a picture printed on canvas and stretched onto a frame for easy hanging) now as well. Yay for resale shops!

I got my SSI application process started. Dr's appointments and everything out of the way. Filled out a form to join the Peer Support centre in town. Got my address changed at the Post Office and for my Food Stamps. I have AWESOMEAZING internets at my apartment, and a house phone too.

I've been put on a new Anti-Psychotic and off of saphris, and I'm not sure how much I like it but it's better than nothing although it seems to be making me a bit more depressed. Idk if that's stress or not though, could just be stress. So until I've been on it another month I wont really report it. We had to make the dosage less than what I was on the first month because of it making me really sleepy all the time which sucked. Hopefully this dose works out because we're running out of AP's that don't cause weight gain.

Uh, what else. Rachel and I are finally working out some sort of switching schedule. Not really a schedule but we're flowing back and forth more naturally than we were to begin with. Which is good. The past couple weeks I have almost exclusively been a D though but now I am luna and it's a bit of a relief because even though I willingly pushed my subbiness down so I could make Rachel study and stuff it wasn't necessarily that good for me to be so unbalanced. Wasn't for super long though so it's whatever. It is very odd typing this much with my I. With Mistress luna has no "I" even though it isn't a rule, it's just how luna is. But Mistress wants that to be something exclusively for her so outside of speaking to her I use my I even though it's weird as hell.

It's less difficult in person than it is via text, especially because I sometimes have to do writing assignments for Mistress and then it's always in third person.

Anyways Mistress had her last exam today so we will be celebrating! Looking forward to that.

Think that's about it for now! Ta, loves!

Battling instability

So, back before I created this blog, back before I met kitten, back before florida happened... I was a mask. Or several, really. Marina didn't exist back then. What existed was a person who could not feel emotions because the trauma from being raped multiple times when she was ten made her cut them out of her. Total apathy. Laughter? False. Crying? Only physical pain, and incredibly horrible pain at that. Excitement? A facade. Sadness? What sadness? What fear?

The only thing I genuinely felt for at least three years of my life, was loneliness. Not your normal loneliness. It was like this all-encompassing hole of nothing swallowing me and making me see, every single day of my life, that I was completely, totally alone. That no one I knew understood me or would ever understand me because it was literally impossible for them to do so. So I made masks. I faked emotion. I was never happy, never sad, never angry, never upset, never scared.

Until I hit sixteen. See, I got a real bad case of walking pneumonia when I was fifteen, and was on a regimen of a narcotic cough suppressant to help keep me out of the hospital. Unfortunately it started bringing back memories of things, some good, some bad, that had happened to me as young as 3. I woke up from the dreams confused and befuddled, and convinced that they couldn't have happened to me.

Until I started asking my mom about them. And sure enough, every single dream I brought to her attention was something that was a memory. Of course, some things, like being raped, I didn't mention and didn't want to accept that had happened to me. Unfortunately all this culinated in an explosion. Very shortly before I hit sixteen years old, my masks broke, failed me, and I started feeling things again.

Can you imagine the agony emotions were to me after so long without them? Especially when, the moment I started experiencing emotions, I was experiencing severe bipolarity? I swung wildly back and forth between suicidal depression and dangerous mania. I felt anger so bad that I almost broke my sister's arm in a fit of rage. I was completely unequipped to deal with even normal emotions at this point of my life, and instead of even getting the opportunity to get used to it I was thrust into completely unpredictable instability.

Of course, eventually I learned to deal. Yeah, "dealing" included cutting and other forms of self-injury, "dealing" included becoming a kleptomaniac and thrill-seeker. But at least I wasn't succumbing to the suicidal thoughts any more (I have actively attempted suicide at least three times in my life, and listlessly attempted to waste away more times than I can count), and at least I had an outlet for the extra energy my mania gave me rather than allowing my anger to take control of me and hurt people.

No, it wasn't right, but it was better than what could have happened. It was better than what happened in florida, where I was abused, molested at knifepoint, raped, homeless on multiple occasions, had to steal just to survive. Just to eat. I've gone three weeks eating only one very small meal each week. I've never had to sleep on the street but I couchsurfed on the couches of total strangers for a month and a half. I let my boyfriend use me and his best friends abuse me, and repeatedly left somewhat stable situations in order to be with him, only to be kicked out weeks later.

I've been completely disconnected from any means of possible help and only by the grace of the divine managed to escape that hellhole with my life intact.

And that hole never went away. No matter how many friends I had, no matter who I loved, who I got into relationships with. Until suddenly it was gone one day and I realised that somehow it was kitten, the one person I actively pushed away and tried to avoid getting into a relationship with, that filled it.

The problem is, I'm not used to it being filled up. All those bad habits of pushing people away when I get into unpleasant moods, for their sake and mine both, they still exist.

What do you do when habit tells you to push someone away even though you know that it wont fix the problem? What do you do when even though you want to tell someone to stay, you order them to leave, and they have no choice but to obey you because you don't give them any other choice?

More importantly, how do you break these habits and form healthier ones?

I feel very lost and torn right now. I don't know what to do. I've been through so much shit in my life, more in my 27 years than most people experience in 90, and all my friends come to me for advice and I can help them just fine. I always have the right answers.. so why can't I find the right answers for myself?

I don't know what to do, and that's a really hard thing for me to admit.

Aaaand it's time for your (ir)regularly scheduled appointment update.

Due to me being dumb I scheduled my appointment later than I should have so I had my appointment a week later than I should have. Sok though. next appt is four weeks from yesterday and we intend so far on continuing once monthly appointments.

I haven't yet had the courage to bring ssi up to my doctor... mostly cos I'm scared of her reaction. What if she thinks the fact that I'm levelling out means I'll be able to work normally (it won't) and that I won't qualify? Every time I get close to asking about it I freak out.

Anyhow appointment overall went good. I'm gaining weight but that could just be due to irregular eating, not eating as healthily, and being stuck in this fucking room, ugh. Both of the mood stabilising medicines she has me on are shown to be weight-neutral. As in they don't make you gain weight, which is a common trait of most mood stabilisers.

I've been struggling badly with mania on and off the past what, two weeks? week and a half?

Yeah, yeah, I know "Wait, isn't mania great?"

No. No it fucking isn't.

In it's own way mania is just as bad as depression. For sure it's a helluva lot more dangerous with the exception of suicidal depression and then it's a tie.

Wanna know why?

Because nothing bothers you, and nothing can go wrong. Whereas depression I don't eat or shower or get up out of bed because I don't have the will to do so, when I'm actually manic (not hypomanic, which is far more common, or mixed state which is my natural state) I just don't give any fucks.

Forget to eat? Oh well it's okay I don't really need to eat that badly. Sleep? Pah, who needs it! I'm fine on three hours a night, if that. What's that? Have I been drinking water? Oh well.. I'll do it later.

Being in a perpetually positive mood is fucking dangerous especially when mixed with a feeling of basically being invincible and nothing being able to hurt you, you can live through anything so it doesn't matter. I very rarely get voices or psychoses (such as the urge to try to fly off a twenty story building...) thank fuck, but it has happened in the past.

Then there's the agitation. When I am manic I get agitated easily. I get aggravated easily. I get so fucking pissed off that I just want to punch people in the fucking face.

Over the tiniest things.

Nothing.

It's horrible.

Add in racing thoughts, completely being unable to focus on anything, a genuine inability to sleep long, and being in such an overall good mood that I think I don't need my medicine...

Not good.

So I talked to my doctor about it and she suggested I get a medicine tray and set a timer/alarm for a couple hours after I wake up to make sure to check the tray. She also suggested that instead of taking my gabapentin three times a day I take one in the morning and then two at night, so I don't have to worry about forgetting my afternoon dose. She also doubled the dosage because even when I'm on my medicine I'm still having some problems with not eating well and agitation and racing thoughts and then the mood swings and jumping back and forth between mania and depression multiple times daily and sometimes multiple times hourly.. yeah.

So anyhow she doubled my dose instead of putting me on something else, since this is working spectacularly.

She asked if I needed more of my alprazolam and I truthfully told her no. with how much less often I am taking it (not even one pill every day) I have plenty enough for a month. In fact when I got home (after taking two to calm me down from the positively foul mood I was in due to my mother), I counted my alprazolam and found I had... thirty! hahaha.

So yeah. We're both pleased with my progress, especially on the tourettes level. It has been two months since I pulled my hair out! And one month since I had a bad episode with lots of scratching. That isn't to say I haven't had scratching episodes, but they haven't lasted long or been severe thanks to the alprazolam.

Overall despite the ongoing problems with mania I feel better. To be honest the idea of being "fixed" is scary. I literally, went from being so depressed that I was in a state of total and complete apathy and had no genuine emotion whatsoever, to bein' "wham bam bpiolar here you go thank you ma'am." I have never in my memory had a single day where I was not either manic, depressed, or a mixture of both. I have never not had rapid mood swings. I don't know who I am without it...

I am being pleasantly surprised. Nothing about me at the core is changing. And the non-core changes have all been good. I'm able to concentrate better, I'm not constantly in a state of panic, the paranoia is SEVERELY cut down - still there, but at that level of me being able to ignore it if I know it's not reasonable. I'm writing again which is a feat in and of itself. I used to have so many traumas associated with writing that it was nigh-on impossible for me to write more than a couple times a year.

So even though I'm still scared, still worried... I'm doin pretty okay right now. :) I'm less worried than I thought I'd be. Becauase maybe who I am isn't the bad person I've always made myself out to be.

I don't know...

...exactly where I want this post to go.

There is a lot of stuff that could be talked about, and a lot of stuff on my mind, so this one will probably  be labelled with "rambling" because I suspect it will be very much me just rambling on about different things.

First off: Name change has gone out the window for now. It costs almost 160 dollars, and so it is something that will have to happen after I get on SSI disability (NOT social security - more on that, next, I suppose), assuming I do. Knowing this is a good thing, even though it sucks that it's so expensive - it is also incredibly straightforward. In Indiana you had to run a large notification in a big newspaper for three weeks in order to get your name changed, as well as jump through lots of hoops and hurdles and pay a large fee.  Here it's just fill out papers, pay the fee, and then get copies so you can change Social Security card and Driver's License or ID, and anything else needing changed. I found out that unless I change my social security card I don't need to bother with anything else and both of those for food stamps and SafetyNet are a simple rescanning and change of information forms, it doesn't affect my status, so yay!

Now, on SSI: SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. For people who cannot work and have not been able to work enough to earn any chance of social security, there is SSI. It is similar to welfare, or benefits, or unemployment, only more permanent (sometimes) and harder to get into. I have not worked enough to earn much social security credit, and have not held a job in oh, what, seven years? because of mental and physical disability: tourette's syndrome being the physical; crippling social anxiety and severe bipolar as well as intense paranoia being the mental. We're working on getting me to a level of beieng able to just function on a daily basis with medication, but that is just functioning. That does not mean I will be able to go out and look for a job and survive with my physical and mental health intact if I manage to get a job. I have some very self-destructive tics, such as pulling my hair (out), scratching my arms (til they bleed), digging my nails into my skin (similarly, until it bleeds), biting my cheeks/lips/tongue (until bleeding)... and while I do not do them frequently, I also actively avoid any situation that might possibly set me off. I also do things like cut my nails to the quick every week to keep them short so that they have less chance of harming me, got my tongue pierced and actively switch my tic out to biting that instead of my cheeks/lips/tongue, keep toilet paper around to put between my nails and my arms...

I'm not one of those "lazy, just want to not work" people. I ache with self-detesting guilt sometimes, because I don't work, and from the idea that I am even considering trying to get on SSI; but it does not change the fact that I am, whether I think it most of the time or not, whether it outwardly seems so or not, pretty damn severely disabled. It is not that I do not want to work. It is that I cannot work a job that is stable, and trying to work from home is only something that would bring me lots of bad experience because phones are frightening, I cannot always summon the will to work, and depression is more frequent for me than mania so I would end up having a breakdown similar to the three I had while I tried to attend college (I have tried both online, and in person).

I need a way to support myself until I can get to a point of stability that I can find things to do to similarly support myself, if it is even possible. I need a way to support myself to even try. And that is where SSI comes in. I've already taken the first steps, being that of therapy and medication, and now we have to get in touch with the lawyer that we are using to help, and hopefully I will qualify. The fear is that I have a lot of things wrong that combine to be severe enough to disable me, but each thing on its own is not enough to qualify me as disabled. They have tests to check for a person's functionality, but what if those tests happen on a "good" day, or on a day when I am manic? What then? I can function fine when I am manic, even to the point of being a social butterfly at parties, but that is not an accurate portrayal of who I am on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis. Similarly, do I take my medicine? or go how I normally am? Could I even function enough to get to the testing without freaking out without it?

It's a long, arduous, and scary process. Everyone around me seems certain that it will happen, except myself. Everyone thinks I qualify easily, except myself. And I wonder if that in and of itself will be a hindrance because it's hard to convince someone else that you are disabled when you grew up being forcefully told you were not and cannot even convince yourself that you are.

-sigh- On and on, let's change topic shall we? kitten, you may not feel up to reading this part just yet so skip over it if you need since you already know most of this anyhow. Whenever I write another note in this colours you can just start reading again. <3

My appointment went well. My pdoc easily understood that the fact that medication works is scary, helped ease my fears, and did put me on a daily anti-anxiety - sort of. It's really a mood-stabiliser and anti-epileptic that has been shown to have great properties for aiding with severe anxiety, and just the fact that I have not even taken a whole xanax every day since friday shows that it works. Because my saphris is also a mood stabiliser as well as an anti-psychotic (to help with paranoia) she cut my dose in half, and because xanax is meant to be taken as emergency/as needed rather than as "need it to function" as I had been been taking it (note: I was not abusing it, and was told I could take it that way, but that is not how it should be taken and my pdoc is very smart  and knows this) she also cut my dose from three pills a day allowed to two.

Not that I've needed them much. One day I didn't take any, being Saturday. Sunday I took one, yesterday I took one, and today I have taken half of one (just recently actually)

Seriously, it's fucking frightening how damn well this new med works, and my doctor is amazing and understands that and doesn't patronise me or act as if she is all-knowing, and I really just like her a lot, and am glad I have her as a doctor. I need to talk to her about seeing if she can aid in me getting on SSI, actually. She is already helping so much and seems to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that I am able to get as much help as I can since she knows I can't work like this. As I said before, right now we are just trying to get me to a state of "I can function on a daily basis without being in a constant state of panic".  It's working remarkably well. I've even talked to my uncle twice without freaking out. (He is a lot like two of the men in my life who were emotionally and mentally (some would say physically too.. for one of them) abusive towards me, so he sets me off really bad sometimes) Although I did just take half a pill after the two interactions, still, normally I would have felt such strong symptoms that I would have needed an entire pill  immediately. not just felt the stirrings of an attack coming on and taken half a pill to prevent it.

So yeah, there's that done with. kitten you may begin reading again if you stopped. 

Lets see, I also wanted to talk about hypnosis with kitten and how that is coming along! I have done two recordings for her, using a trance-trigger. They are working okay but not as well as we need them too, so I am going to (tomorrow, hopefully, if I get the alone time) record an induction (one that we know works for her that I simply modified to suit sleeping position) and deepener. The deepener I am very proud of as it was the first thing I ever wrote on my own, meant to be used more than once.

Modifying it for speech rather than text has been an hours-long process but so worth it. I love the extra scope it gives me. Instead of telling kitten to take herself deeper, I get to lead the way. I get to add in all those details that make the experience more realistic. Comparing the two, well.. it's clear that I know more what I am doing now, and aside from the general direction being the same, there is almost no comparison. The same things happen, in totally different ways. The detail is so much more intense, and dammit I really wish my goddamned uncle had left when he was supposed to so I could record this now.

-fidgets- if I turn the ac back on I might record it anyways. I seriously want to record this for kitten, to get her reaction to it, to hear her pleasure at how well it worked. Even though I have less faith in it than she does, I still know that it'll work at least somewhat. And when I allow my logic to take over, I know that it will work incredibly effectively, especially because it is familiar to her, and she knows what to expect, to an extent (I have been talking to her about it, plus as I said, it is a modification of the first deepener I ever wrote for her)... and that it will blow her expectations out of the water.

I know it sounds very vain of me, and I hate sounding that way because really I have serious self-confidence issues, and actively try not to be vain or pompous or anything like that. It's only that now I know what I am doing, know her better, have more experience... and it already worked insanely effectively to begin with!

There is almost no way on earth that it wouldn't work, seriously. It would take a lot for it to not work, and I'm not that incompetent, seriously.

Maybe once I know he is asleep I'll record it, so she can use it tonight. Or maybe while he's awake even. The ac will effectively muffle my voice, and I can always noisereduce it like I did the others. (thank goodness for Audacity, woo. love that program) ...yes I am paranoid enough that even though I was completely ans totally alone when I recorded the other two files, I kept the ac on to muffle my voice.  This is part of why I am on medication, yo. XD

ANYHOW lol. Lessee. There was one more thing, I think... Oh! Right! kitten has her exams now, spaced over the next two weeks, so wishing her luck on them and sending her good vibes so that she can work effectively would be appreciated for anyone who comes across this and reads it before her exams are over!

I think I've rambled enough for now. Imma go check on files and see how much time I need to give to kitten and count up how much we've used over the weekend and yesterday to detract from the hours she has earned. Might just be lazy and count it all as one of my "free" sessions since I've only used two out of six.. yeah.. that sounds like a good idea :3 And much less work for a nervy and tired Mari.

/Lesigh

It's that time of the month. No posts lately and likely none til I am over this.

Although, do have pdoc appointment on friday, which will be.. interesting. I have some shit to bring up. Am very worried they will put me on a daily preventative anxiety suppressant as well as my PRN, and as well as my Saphris. Despite my ocd with threes, my hard limit for pills is actually 4. I will not let myself take/be put on more than 4 types of medication simultaneously (excluding allergy meds) and if they want to fight me on that they fucking can but my aim is to get to a point where I can function on a daily basis, not take a fucking cocktail of pills and be drugged up.

I might be changing my name soon - legally - to include my "real" name in it. We ("we" being my mother and I) are going to look into it on friday before or after my appointment. Probably before. It's best to find out whether it's even feasible, money-wise before bringing it up with the food stamps and pdoc office to see about getting it changed for official stuff. Thank fuck I have no bank accounts or car/insurance or any shit like that. Just my I.D. (cannot drive, tourettes makes for deadly game of chance) and food stamps and being on safetynet for healthcare.

Those shouldn't be too difficult to change, especially since I am just adding Marina in, not taking anything else out. But in any case we have to find out how to do it and what paperwork and fees and all sorts of things have to be calculated. I am glad I brought this up to my mother, because she is being shockingly accepting of it. I think me not wanting to get rid of my first or middle names is a factor. I just wanna slip Marina between the two so I can walk up to someone and say with the full force of legality behind it "Hi, my name is (insert first name here) Marina, I prefer to be called Mari." I'm excited, to say the least.

Anyhow that's about it, I may or may not have a post on friday, or any other day for a week to a week and a half depending how long this lasts. Or maybe sooner as well. Whoooo fucking knows. Not me that's for sure.

Sleeping

I find that the hardest single thing to deal with and try to work around in my particular LDR is sleep patterns.

kitten and I are both insomniacs. For similar and different reasons, really. She hates to sleep. Period. She doesn't like being asleep, I'm fairly certain it even frightens her on some level, which is not an irrational thing. Sleep is scary for me too. But, that is only occasionally why I am such an insomniac, more frequently is that I have bipolar and am 75% of the time (maybe 80%) in a mixed state. Which means with symptoms of mania and depression simultaneously. Usually I jump back and forth between a depressed mania (dysphoric mania) and a manic depression (agitated depression) several times a week or even a day. Which means insomnia is rampant, especially the kind where I am exhausted but just cannot fucking sleep!

I'm currently being medicated for this; not the insomnia itself, but the bipolar type in general with something called Saphris which knocks. me. flat. I liked/loved it at first but I've recently learned that if kitten is awake when I take it I can't stand it. I hate it so much and it's scary, being forced to sleep when I want to stay awake. The anxiety could probably be gotten over by taking half a Xanax (my PRN - aka as needed - for general and social anxiety) but I dislike having to take those at all.

I am trying to get a balance so that I am awake still and can help kitten sleep through hypnosis and other means (she is particularly fond of hypnosis, as am I), before I take my medicine and pass the fuck out so that the anxiety of being torn away from her, and the worry about not being there when she needs me, is not present.

The problem, really, lies in wanting to be there when she wakes up and to put her to sleep and to stay with her all day, and that is just not possible. I'm thinking of starting a 4-6 hours at night, 3-5 hours at day schedule so that I nap while she is in classes or studying, and then am able to wake up before or when she does and sleep after she does. Partly because I usually wake up after four to six hours of sleep unable to sleep anyfuckinghow and get sick of trying to force myself back to sleep.

It's frustrating and difficult and it makes me realise that even more, no matter how easy things seem to be going, there is a long and trying road ahead of us. I am prepared to work with what I have, and can only hope that what I have is enough, I suppose. <3<3<3

I love thee, mine kitten.

Anyhow, I just needed to ramble and get thoughts out. Which is exactly what this place is for :)