Oh snap (ft. lists)

Massive things to talk about here people.

MASSIVE THING NUMBER ONE

Ok so for most of the last three days I have been in the position of Mistress. One tiny awesome thing about that is being called by my birth name, because although Mari had her reasons it was a little sad for me that she never used 'Rachel'. Now the bigger awesome things are:

• I got to find out what a damn good Domme I can be
• I got to fulfil more of Mari/luna's fantasies
• I feel less bad about the times where I feel the need to give luna orders for her own good

These last few days have been fucking incredible and really fucking hard too. We've had fun and been so happy and comfortable with each other in these new roles but there have also been a few difficult moments. We both had a few worries to be worked out like whether this was really the best thing for our relationship or whether we'll be able to take care of each others needs well enough. We both agree though that this felt too right for us to just stop for baseless fears. A few times over the last few days I have needed to be submissive again and we switched back effortlessly, although one of those times I didn't really need to be submissive I just needed luna to comfort me but I couldn't recognise that. This is a learning experience for us both and I'm absolutely certain that we can deal with any issues that arise. I know that luna has had very bad experiences in relationships where she has acted as the submissive, but those times the relationship was over or practically over by this point. Also, I am fairly certain I'm one of her more stable partners >.>

I'm so proud of the name I came up with for my pet, luna, it is perfect for several reasons:

• All this stuff began under the light of a full moon
• luna has a particular affinity for the moon
• Princess Luna is best pony
• Fuck yeah Luna Lovegood

I've been kinda drunk on power, I get to call her stuff and order her around and I feel like a kid in a sweet shop because there's so much I can do now and it makes luna seem a lot more settled. I'm so glad that she's gotten to express this side of her because I often wondered how burying it was affecting her, even though at first I didn't want to see her be submissive for my own selfish reasons. 

PRACTICALLY BROBDINGNAGIAN THING NUMBER TWO

Gods I have always wanted to use that word.

I SPENT MOST OF THIS EVENING HYPNOTISING LUNA

I know she's mentioned before that she thought I was a good subject but FUCK if I'm good she is nigh on perfect. In just a couple of hours she has:

• Gone really super deep
• Taken suggestions to take to hypnosis more easily
• Been in a light trance while interacting with others, AND LIKE AN ACTUAL VISITOR NOT JUST FAMILY
• Been able to forget things said in trance
• Taken on a trance trigger

And my attempt at hypnotising yesterday was the first time I ever hypnotised anyone so yeah she is a damn good suggestible girl holy shit. At one point I left her to take herself deeper, got back and she didn't even know where she was and would take anything I said as gospel. It was beautiful. 

A post about my life in general will probably come soon but this is it for now.  

Battling instability

So, back before I created this blog, back before I met kitten, back before florida happened... I was a mask. Or several, really. Marina didn't exist back then. What existed was a person who could not feel emotions because the trauma from being raped multiple times when she was ten made her cut them out of her. Total apathy. Laughter? False. Crying? Only physical pain, and incredibly horrible pain at that. Excitement? A facade. Sadness? What sadness? What fear?

The only thing I genuinely felt for at least three years of my life, was loneliness. Not your normal loneliness. It was like this all-encompassing hole of nothing swallowing me and making me see, every single day of my life, that I was completely, totally alone. That no one I knew understood me or would ever understand me because it was literally impossible for them to do so. So I made masks. I faked emotion. I was never happy, never sad, never angry, never upset, never scared.

Until I hit sixteen. See, I got a real bad case of walking pneumonia when I was fifteen, and was on a regimen of a narcotic cough suppressant to help keep me out of the hospital. Unfortunately it started bringing back memories of things, some good, some bad, that had happened to me as young as 3. I woke up from the dreams confused and befuddled, and convinced that they couldn't have happened to me.

Until I started asking my mom about them. And sure enough, every single dream I brought to her attention was something that was a memory. Of course, some things, like being raped, I didn't mention and didn't want to accept that had happened to me. Unfortunately all this culinated in an explosion. Very shortly before I hit sixteen years old, my masks broke, failed me, and I started feeling things again.

Can you imagine the agony emotions were to me after so long without them? Especially when, the moment I started experiencing emotions, I was experiencing severe bipolarity? I swung wildly back and forth between suicidal depression and dangerous mania. I felt anger so bad that I almost broke my sister's arm in a fit of rage. I was completely unequipped to deal with even normal emotions at this point of my life, and instead of even getting the opportunity to get used to it I was thrust into completely unpredictable instability.

Of course, eventually I learned to deal. Yeah, "dealing" included cutting and other forms of self-injury, "dealing" included becoming a kleptomaniac and thrill-seeker. But at least I wasn't succumbing to the suicidal thoughts any more (I have actively attempted suicide at least three times in my life, and listlessly attempted to waste away more times than I can count), and at least I had an outlet for the extra energy my mania gave me rather than allowing my anger to take control of me and hurt people.

No, it wasn't right, but it was better than what could have happened. It was better than what happened in florida, where I was abused, molested at knifepoint, raped, homeless on multiple occasions, had to steal just to survive. Just to eat. I've gone three weeks eating only one very small meal each week. I've never had to sleep on the street but I couchsurfed on the couches of total strangers for a month and a half. I let my boyfriend use me and his best friends abuse me, and repeatedly left somewhat stable situations in order to be with him, only to be kicked out weeks later.

I've been completely disconnected from any means of possible help and only by the grace of the divine managed to escape that hellhole with my life intact.

And that hole never went away. No matter how many friends I had, no matter who I loved, who I got into relationships with. Until suddenly it was gone one day and I realised that somehow it was kitten, the one person I actively pushed away and tried to avoid getting into a relationship with, that filled it.

The problem is, I'm not used to it being filled up. All those bad habits of pushing people away when I get into unpleasant moods, for their sake and mine both, they still exist.

What do you do when habit tells you to push someone away even though you know that it wont fix the problem? What do you do when even though you want to tell someone to stay, you order them to leave, and they have no choice but to obey you because you don't give them any other choice?

More importantly, how do you break these habits and form healthier ones?

I feel very lost and torn right now. I don't know what to do. I've been through so much shit in my life, more in my 27 years than most people experience in 90, and all my friends come to me for advice and I can help them just fine. I always have the right answers.. so why can't I find the right answers for myself?

I don't know what to do, and that's a really hard thing for me to admit.

It's been a while

Summary:

Mari is seeing a counsellor as well as pdoc and is getting a case worker too so good times. One the other hand, she's being evicted due to bullshit reasons from landlord's crazy wife and may or may not have to live with her mother AND grandparents depending on many things, so bad times.

I got into Aberystwyth university, good times. I also got diagnosed with depression, bad times.

So as you can see, plenty of reason why a blog isn't exactly on the top of the priority list. Yet here I am because I feel like I need to say things and be listened to without actually going through the horror of a conversation.

As the 21st of September looms ever closer and my moving out day hangs over me, I find myself getting increasingly anxious about... well... myself. I am about to make a metric shit -tonne of first impressions and just look at me! The depression means I put on 14lbs over summer and stopped giving a shit about my appearance and I am pretty much a shivering bundle of nerves and awkward. I am going to be shoved into a house with possibly 5 other people who I have to live with for the best part of a year and the first thing they are going to think when they see me is "Ugh she is disgusting". That's all I can think about, pretty much all day every day I'm thinking about how terrible I look. I got a calorie counting app which probably isn't helping but at the same time it must be because it's the only effort I'm making towards change. It's got me to think about what I eat and how much I exercise yeah, but I'm guessing it shouldn't be taking over my mind like it is. Three months without school or leaving the house much has left me with precious little else to think about. Two days in a row I have gone for a 30 minute walk, which I feel proud of for about ten seconds before it descends back into "nothing will ever be enough". I've got so many clothes that don't fit me now it's like my entire wardrobe is just staring at me and judging me, even if sometimes it's just that the shops I've been to are stingy with their sizes. I'm losing the ability to think about this stuff logically and healthily.

I think I should probably stop there.

My first story on here, I suppose.

I'm aching to write something creative about my kitten and I. So, I think it shall be done here, in this place. I usually write in third person when writing creatively but tonight is just a first person kinda night.

Just in case it isn't clear, in this little bit of fiction kitten has been listening to a hypnosis recording I made for her and just finishing it as I enter the room. When spoken or written by me in a certain context, "Entrance" is a trigger that will, as it implies, pull her into a trance. It can also be used to triple her depth at the end of my recordings, and keep her from waking from a trance.  We have actually been using this trigger for quite some time now.

Similarly, "Awaken" wakes her up; said once it awakens her into a light trance, said twice it awakens her completely. As with Entrance, we have been using this trigger for quite a while.

It should also be said that whilst in trance, kitten is not completely lacking any willpower of her own. If I ask her to do something she is not subconsciously open to doing, able to do, or wanting to do, she will not do it. Even if she is so deep she cannot manage to speak a single word.

Oh yeah, also, duh. This is fiction. And, just in case it wasn't already clear... This will get very NSFW, y'all.

---

As I walk into the bedroom, she is waiting for me. Eyes half open, earphones in her ears, her phone held loosely in one hand as she lays against the numerous pillows on the bed, lost in a world of my making. The moment I see her, deep and waiting for my touch, the rest of the room around me ceases to exist. There is no plush carpeting, for I walk on air. The black vanity and soft forest green lounge do not exist because they are not the bed.

As I touch the moss green canopy of my large bed she blinks, turning towards me. Upon seeing me she begins to awaken, but I immediately put a stop to that, sliding behind her and pulling her into my lap, biting her shoulder, then pulling out her earphones and whispering into her ear the trigger that will take her deeper, pull her under again faster, and leave her helpless to my will.

"Entrance."

Her body sags against mine, and I cannot help but purr, stroking one hand down her arm, my hand cupping hers as my thumb drags circles around her palm - circles and spirals being one of our time-tested ways of dragging her deeper and deeper and deeper. After I place her phone on the nightstand, I speak again, my voice soft and low from strictly controlled desire.

"Deeper, kitten. Let my touch take you deeper, let my voice take you deeper, go further than you have ever been into your wonderful state of blissful entrancement... How do you feel right now, precious?"

The answer is not immediate, as she struggles to gain her senses enough to speak. "Mnhh.. g-good, Mistress."

I pause, pleased with her response, as I lick over the edge of her ear, gently dragging my teeth over the skin before beginning to kiss softly down her neck. "Would kitten like Mistress to make her feel even better?"

Again, her answer is not immediate, but eventually words are whimpered out, between a soft panting gasp and a soft moan, the only things that outwardly show her arousal, although from experience I know that she must be soaked beyond belief. "Nnnyesss Mistress, please..."

Today is a day for her. I get much pleasure from having her in trance, so malleable to my will. But it must be said that there is not a lot of participating that kitten can manage, whilst in the deepest depths of trance. And to be frank that is fine with me. She is, for a time, helpless to my will, and the fact that she trusts me so while in that state is a thrill and delight, and I work hard to never make her trust misplaced.

That being said, today is still a day for her. I will not be focusing on pleasuring myself, but on bringing my kitten to new heights of pleasure she has yet to experience. Pushing the limits on what she can get pleasure from, and deepening the effectiveness of the trigger I have inset that allows her to cum on command.

"Arms up, kitten."

She does as told, and I pull her shirt off of her, tossing it into the laundry basket before unclasping her bra, sliding it from her body, and tossing it into the basket as well. Then I push her arms down to lay on my thighs as I gently lift her hips up, pushing her jeans down her hips before pulling them off fully. I leave her undwear on, after stroking her crotch softly to reassure myself of it's dampness. "Damp" does not even begin to cover how wet she is, and I smirk, moving my arms around her and pulling her closer to me as my hands cup her breasts softly.

My thumbs begin to spiral around her nipples as I hold her heavy breasts in my palms, and I begin to guide her with my voice again. "There's a good girl, precious. That's it. Relax into me... I know you are aroused beyond belief.. but it can go further, kitten. I want you to relax... and close your eyes... and feel the spirals my thumbs are drawing on your breasts. That's right, focus on those lovely spirals and let them pull you deeper, let them make you even more relaxed, and even more aroused...."

The spirals of my thumbs around her breasts continue, as my palms begin to squeeze the soft flesh gently. "If you weren't so deep for me, if you weren't so deliciously relaxed for your Mistress, the arousal would be achingly intense. But as it is, despite the arousal growing more.. and more... and more overwhelming, you are too relaxed for it to ache. Instead of aching you simply crave your Mistress' touch in whatever manner she decides to give it to you."

The soft massaging of my palms, the light touch of my thumbs, the caressing breath against her ear, my thighs against hers, my breasts and stomach pressed into her back... every touch that originates from me is pushing her further into intense arousal, the pleasure coiling in her core until, suddenly, I grab her nipples and pinch them with just the right amount of pressure, growling out an order into her ear. "Cum!"

Her breathing quickens and she cries out, her body arching against mine as she shakes and shudders, the intense orgasm washing over her until she relaxes into me again, whimpering and panting as I let her nipples go with a purr, stroking my hands over her breasts gently before moving them to her soft stomach, my fingertips all moving in circular spiral motions. "Such a good girl! Yes, there's such a wonderfully obedient and submissive kitten for me. Did that feel good, precious?"

It takes less time for her to answer now, and I know that her orgasm probably woke her up some from her depths of trance, and keep in mind to fix that lapse. "Nnnhh yessss Mistress."

"Good. Now, kitten, focus on my fingertips. There are ten wonderful touches, spiralling around, each circular motion taking you deeper and deeper and deeper, pulling you under under under into a wonderful trance. You are floating in a pool of arousal now, just gently floating as my touch begins to build up that wonderfully relaxed arousal once more. Each touch intensifying it. Even my breath and the sound of my voice, pulling you deeper, pushing you into higher levels of intense need and arousal. Floating in a sea of submission and obedience to Mistress alone. Just floating in pure bliss and happiness and relaxation... Feel my body against yours, feel my fingertips against your skin and focus on them, because they make you so deep, they make you feel so very good.. and this time, this time, when you orgasm for Mistress.. instead of waking you up it will take you deeper."

She gasps at that, and I smirk, pressing soft kisses up her neck to her ear before licking the edge of it again, my warm breath caressing the wet skin. "Yes, that's right. The harder you orgasm, the deeper you will go, and the more I touch you, the closer you get. You want to go even deeper don't you, kitten? So deep into trance, so highly aroused, so wonderfully enwrapped in complete bliss and ecstasy.  So just focus on my touch, focus on feeling me take you deeper.. and deeper... and deeper."

Time does not exist, as we lay there. As I press soft kisses against her neck and shoulder, switching sides every so often. As my fingers continue to trace soft circular spirals against her stomach. As my tongue darts out to lick her skin, only to breathe hot air against the moist spot before moving along. Her breathing deepens, levels out, and it is only when it starts to become shallower again that time starts again.

When each breath is punctuated with a whimper. When she begins to gasp softly every time my lips touch her skin. When she can't help but make soft, breathy noises nearly constantly. And then, one of my hands moves to her breasts, squeezing it gently as my palm grinds against her nipple, as I order it again.

"Cum, kitten."

This time she is quieter, gasping and panting and whimpering and moaning as she arches against me, the orgasm seeming to last forever before she finally collapses into me, still panting and gasping, but with deep, slow breaths and I know.. I know that it worked.

"You do not have to speak, kitten, you may just use your head. Have you ever been this deep before?"

She shakes her head, whimpering delightfully. "Do you feel amazing?"

She nods her head with a moan, instinctively rubbing her body back against mine in a gesture that can't possibly be conscious, as far under as she is.

"Do you want more?"

She hesitates, as if unable to decide, and I speak again. "I want one more orgasm from you kitten. I won't force it, but-"

I don't even have to finish as she nods frantically, rubbing her body against mine again. I chuckle softly, immensely pleased with her eager response as I kiss her cheek softly, stilling her head. "Okay, precious, I get it. Such a wonderful kitten I have, mmm."

I shift some, settling back into the numerous pillows on my bed as both of my hands slide down her sides and to her hips, slipping under the elastic band of her underwear before pushing the soft cotton briefs down her thighs and off of her body, holding them in front of her. The fabric is light blue, everywhere except the crotch, which is dark with wetness and practically dripping with her juices. "Wow, kitten. Just look at how aroused you've become for me, love."

She whimpers softly, and I toss the panties into the laundry basket, one hand cupping a breast as the other cups her crotch. She gasps at that, and I gently begin to rub, fingertips brushing through her soft pubic hair, just barely touching her skin. My other hand is playing heatedly with her breast now, thumb and index finger teasing her nipple, palm squeezing and massaging the supple flesh as my last three fingers resume the circles to drag her even further for me.

It takes almost no time for her to be reduced to a panting, whimpering puddle in my arms, and I delight in how eager she is for my touch, her hips trying desperately to press into my fingers. Finally, I give her what she is asking for, and slide my middle finger into her wet folds, causing a hungry moan to escape her plump lips.

The noise is just what I want to hear, and I slide another finger in, making her gasp and whimper as I curve them upwards, and begin rubbing along inside of her, my fingers seeking deeper and deeper until finally they find what they are looking for.. and they press down gently. She nearly begins to writhe from the touch, and as my fingers slide in and out of her heat they rub and push against her sensitive spot, until all she is doing is panting and moaning and bucking her hips helplessly upwards.

This time I am going to torture her, though. "You may not cum until I order it, kitten. Is that understood? Until I give the order, you cannot orgasm, and every time you think you are right there it will slowly subside just a bit. I am going to take you into depths of ecstasy you have never felt before, and you will have the most intense, overwhelming, and satisfying orgasm of your life."

The only response she gives is a "Yes", barely understood throughout her heated moans and whimpers.

When an order like that works, it is poetry to see and feel. Watching as her body tenses up, wondering if, despite the order, she will not be able to handle it, seeing as she relaxes just when you fear she might go over.. and then making it start again.

I bring her to the edge five times, my thumb circling around her clit, my hand on her breast, massaging it as I pinch and pull and roll her nipple between my fingers, my fingers deftly sliding in and out of her wetness. The sixth time she nears however, I move my mouth to her ear, breathing against it softly as she tenses, and suddenly... "Cum."

The word is soft, whispered into her ear, and yet the reaction is immediate and explosive as she nearly screams, her entire body afire with pleasure. I don't stop my movements at all, determined to make this orgasm last, and it works, as my thumb rubs over her clit, my fingers press repeatedly against her spot, and she arches against me for over a minute, until I finally remove my hand from her crotch. Then, and only then, does the relaxation start, as she melds her body with mine, panting and gasping heavily.

"Awaken, kitten. Awaken. "

I want her to feel the lingering end of her orgasm while she is conscious, and she gives a loud, satisfied moan as the trigger does as intended, bringing her straight into consciousness. My hands stroke over her body softly as I turn to the side, helping her turn to face me. She immediately latches onto me, nuzzling into my shoulder, sighing happily as she presses her body to me, just like a limpet clinging to a rock.

"Welcome back, limpetkitten." She giggles at the familiar nickname, and nuzzles even closer.

"Did you have fun, precious?"

She looks up at me, her soft brown eyes shining with happiness, sending my heart into the heavens. "Oh yes, Mistress. Thank you so very much. kitten had so much fun..." She nuzzles under my chin with a happy sigh, before continuing, the deep submission she has experienced and is still experiencing reflecting itself in her words. "kitten loves Mistress so much.. Thank you so much Mistress."

I smile happily, nuzzling her back as my fingers stroke through her hair and down her back, petting her softly. "I love you too, kitten. Thank you for being such a good girl."

I feel her smile against my neck, and feel her blushing softly as she cuddles closer to me, aided by my own arm tightening around her, as we lay there, contently just enjoying each other and the bliss of the moment. Perfection.

Just A Little Something From me

I am struggling. Like, really struggling. 

The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me. 

Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that. 

Except I do.

I know exactly where I fit.

Right at my Mistress' feet. 

This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed. 

(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)

The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study. 

When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.  

I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it...right?

But what if it IS broken. Or breaking? Or changing in inconceivably enormous ways that are scary and unprecedented and worrisome, but completely, wholly, and totally needed?

Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.

We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.

Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.

There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.

This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.

So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.

But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else.  This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".

Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.

It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.

Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3

Dominance, submission, and hypnosis.

kitten and I have, as of late, been using hypnosis to further her submission. Looking back, I think we had reached a roadblock because I was not really doing things properly, partially by being overcautious.

See, neither kitten nor myself wish for a doormat. I want kitten to still be the little spitfire she can be, I want kitten to still be able to tell me to fuck off when need be and to be able to stand up for herself around others. Including other Dom/mes. But kitten pointed out to me recently, as in today, that she was worried because I was increasing her submission and obedience in general - was worried that she would start being like that for everyone.

Suddenly, I realised, oh, duh. My kitten doesn't want to submit to everyone. My kitten only wants to submit to me. So I promised her from then on I would clarify that she was to deepen her obedience and submission to me. 

There had been plans made for a session tonight that got interrupted by forgotten family plans, which was understood. And the proper session I had in mind just wasn't possible when, after taking a "short" nap, it turned out it had been five hours passed and I had slept through alarm. So instead we "settled" (because sessions and maulings are equally enjoyed, just differently so) for sex. And more sex. And suddenly something happened and I put her under.

It was quite unexpected. Quite as in incredibly, very much, out of the ballpark, unexpected. I found myself feeling much more confident as I took her deeper, as I ordered her to submit and obey and as she, immediately, became completely receptive to my commands when I added "to Mistress" and "to me" to the end of them. 

To me it felt as if instead of saying "Yes" acceptingly and willingly like she had before, she was screaming "YES! FINALLY!" and embracing it with her whole being. 

It felt right. And I took her deeper. And deeper. And deeper. And she became more and more receptive, more and more willing, more and more eager. Especially as I clarified even more, that her submission to me would not hold her back - it would make her more confident, more driven, more powerful in her daily life. 

The session ended with both of us feeling so much better. I found out (I cannot help but brag about this) that she came physically without having to use an outside hypnosis video, which is such a rare and precious and wonderful thing to me. She told me she felt calm. Settled. Stable, even. It ended with me having for the first time experienced topspace and feeling so damn confident and right that it was almost scary! I also experienced a very short topdrop which she helped me through and was quickly back to my normal weird self. 

I lamented not having put the usual trigger of thinking of me and then suggested I put her to bed since it was half 2 in the morning there. We decided together that it would be a voice session this time, and I put her to sleep and instilled the trigger of thinking of me and then made it so that the trigger would strengthen with each use. Making her calm, relaxed, happy. Submissive to me, obedient to me, open to my will. Cause all negative emotions to just roll over her, crash against her and piddle away as if they were nothing. Bad choice of words, that, I meant to say dissipate but couldn't find the word and decided on a slang definition of piddle to be a suitable substitution for the time being. 

Of course this will never be complete. The trigger works but it cannot magically fix everything. 

But I have so much more hope than before and that seems impossible because I had a FUCKTON of hope before now. I just feel so concretely secure that things will be better for both of us now. Maybe it's false hope. Maybe I'm just being weird. Idek. I feel like we have gotten past a block somehow that neither of us really knew was there, and I am hoping and praying that what I feel is right and that this helps because the more she submits to me the happier she seems to get and all I want is my kitten to be happy. 

Hypnotic Sleep

I love that this is a thing.

I love hearing her breathing become deeper.
Become slower.

I love hearing her voice, softening and becoming breathy, as she struggles to speak.

I love knowing that I am putting her to bed, making her sleep, and giving her the best night's sleep that she has had in months.

This is the first time I've been so confident in what I was doing whilst putting kitten to sleep, and it was also the shortest amount of time it took. I feel like making time itself and my syllables both triggers to deepen her trance and make her sleepier was effective. We will see if it is as effective as her breathing doing it.

Maybe next time I'll try all three.

It's not even the control that makes me love this, to be honest, although that is an element. It's knowing that I am helping her in a way that is so direct and immediate.

That she will feel safe and warm and protected in my arms as she sleeps, despite the distance, despite everything else. That she will sleep deeply and restfully. I love it.

So very much.

Hypnosis

Hypnosis.

The very word gives a thrill through one's body – be it of skepticism, arousal, fear, disbelief, wonderment, excitement, disdain.. It always elicits a reaction when brought up.

I am a hypnotist – of a sort. I am no professional, and I make no claims about being able to put anyone under, bend their will to my own, make them obey my every command. That is, frankly, impossible. Unless the subject is willing (even if only subconsciously so), they cannot be made to do anything at all whatsoever.

But I am her hypnotist. The feeling of submission my kitten gets when she goes under, when I am in such intimate, all-encompassing control of her, the feeling of obedience that bending her to my will gives her... Well, frankly, she needs it.

I do not say this in a power-trip fantasy. She has told me herself that she does, recently, and keeping that in mind I have been tending more to her needs, as well as my own.

She has always been into hypnosis and has been wonderful at guiding me into this foray. I stepped into hypnosis due to a slight interest, and largely her own interest, which she somewhat understated at the time.

Imagine, to my surprise, when the first time I finally tried it out on her.... it worked. Now, keep in mind, as I have said, I am no professional. I have never tried hypnosis on anyone but my kitten and never plan to try it on anyone else. I am her hypnotist and hers alone.

Anyhow... the first time led to a second. And a third. I found that I enjoyed it, it thrilled me in the most wonderful way. I was overcautious at first, and with good reason. An untried hypnotist can get into trouble. I started slow. Recently things have begun speeding up between us in general and I have found that I fear going too far, even as much as I feel that this is so very necessary...

But the control. The control on my part and lack of it on hers. The trust; that she will not allow me to go too far, and that I will not take things too far. Her submission and obedience to the fact that I can and will do what is best for her. The complete thrill of realising that with just one word I can take all of her worries and fears away...

I don't just want it any more. I need it too. Possibly as much as she does.

And I can finally say that I rejoice in that fact, and have accepted that it is no bad thing to need to control her in the way that she needs to be controlled.

This revelation came about today during a particularly intense session in which I realised that lacking control and being forced or compelled to submit to my will could be not only intensely pleasurable for her but also a release for her... and that it was also intensely pleasurable for me and a release for me to put her into that situation I had her in.

Needless to say this was not the last time a session such as that will happen, and even as she spends the entirety of her day being brought back to focus on her submission to me, I will spend the entirety of my day being brought back to my dominance over her, and to how wonderful it is to finally be finding our balance.

Insert Obligatory First Post Here

Soooo hi there! This is going to be a private blog just for myself and my kitten, at least for now. It may or may not be made public any time in the near or far future. I just like writing my thoughts out as if to some third party at times. [Edit: kitten has informed me that she has no issue with this blog becoming public, so here we go! Public away! Who knows if anyone will read other than a friend but hey, it's out there for anyone who wants to see. Kinda scary :o But also exciting. :3]

Maybe I should capitalise those "my"s and such but to be completely honest I do not consider myself to be above anyone else much less my kitten. For a time I even trained myself out of using the English capitalised "I" because I hate how it is so self-centric. However the little niggling grammar-nazi in me looks and goes "Nein! Das ist nicht gut! Das ist falsch!" (I took German in the fourth grade, as well as in high school. Of course meine grammatik-nazi spricht Deutsch. However, admittedly, that part of me hates the centrism of the capitalised I and prefers the German "ich", as well.)

Aaanyways, back to the point! This is just the obligatory first post blah blah blah.

My kitten hates having to do/make introductions (or rather, "about me" sections, which are fairly similar, so mleh :P) so she shan't have to do her own. Mostly, she is just my beloved, precious, treasured pet. I adore and love and cherish her. We have a D/s relationship. Some might see us as M/s but she is not my slave, she is my pet. Many would say there is no difference. I disagree. But the difference is something I cannot easily explain, so, it's whatever.

There is also a fairly noticeable switchy component to our relationship. I am not mentally stable all the time, and unfortunately my kitten has to deal with most of my issues. At the same time though I do try to support her as best as I can and see to her needs, as well as making sure to deal with her issues and help her grow and learn and become who I know she can be. She does not Dominate me and I do not submit to her, however she has every right to tell me I am wrong and why I am wrong, she has every right to put her foot down and say "fuck no" (within reason), and she maintains her own free will. I listen to her advice and I listen to her when she informs me that I am not taking care of myself and am thus being a hypocrite because I expect her to take care of herself. I listen to her when she tells me I need to tell her things, or to calm the fuck down.

However, she belongs to me - completely. I don't care if she plays with someone else, it is just play. Her heart is mine. She submits to me willingly, and in return I give her the domination she desires and needs. I am in control of her. This part is coming along surprisingly quickly; for a very long time we were only sexually D/s and I had no idea she wanted - or, rather, needed - the other side, the 24/7 side more than the sexual side. As I have previously been a submissive in an abusive and neglectful M/s relationship before, fearing that I will or would or could travel into those realms held me back a lot until I finally found that out. Not to say that the sexual side no longer exists, but a balance is being sought out and found. I am learning that I can take control without going too far. And learning that she will immediately tell me when I have gone to far or am heading down that path.

As well, I belong to her, and although that side of the dynamic is more complex, she is still the first in my heart and will be forevermore.

Our relationship is long distance. She lives in England and I in the US. Hopefully I will be moving over there in the span of a few years. Even more hopefully she will be coming to visit me in a year or so. Surprisingly enough this hinders our relationship to less extent than one would imagine, especially with such things as Skype, Gtalk, Dropbox, Google drive, and the like.

Either way, I am taking more control, allowing time for both our needs, and hopefully fulfilling my precious, sweet little kitten's hopes, dreams, and needs. I suppose that's all there is to be said. This blog will probably not centre around D/s but it might. It might be filled with a plethora of things. Who knows. Certainly not I for I know but little; I love thee my kitten, with my entire being.