Rachelkitten and I were having a discussion on what should count in our relationship as abuse, when I was upset and said - as I have said before, but never ever acted on - that I wanted to slap her upside the head for being so stubborn and stupid about not making sure her needs are met. She asked me very bluntly several minutes later, when was I going to hit her, and it surprised me because I thought it was clear that I'd never do something like that. But then she said something that really got me thinking because sometimes she has panic attacks or refuses to do something that is necessary and no amount of talking will get through to her. She said "because nothing else seems to work, maybe that will."
The reason it made me think is because I get like that. Not in the same way all the time, but even as a Dom sometimes I have panic attacks that I cannot be shaken from without a thorough slap, and I would never consider that abuse, it's the only method that works is all. As a sub sometimes I get very self-abusive and neglect myself, because of being sbused by my previous D's, and I fully agree with her reasoning as a submissive - sometimes the only way to make me wake up and stop being fucking stupid is a good slap.
So we had this discussion and had some trouble because of the double standard of whoever is dominant being allowed to hit the submissive, but not the other way around. We finally decided that since both of us have a tendency to have panic attacks that we can't be otherwise pulled from, these rules go both ways. If the dominant one is having a freakout or something and absolutely everything else has been tried and nothing else works, the submissive is allowed to slap them to snap them out of it. But only after everything else has been tried.
Finally, we came up with a simple and concise rule as to what exactly for the two of us counts as abuse in our relationship.
Anything outside of sex-play that will mark the skin for more than a few hours counts as abuse, excepting a slap containing sharp fingernails. Pinching anything except nipples also counts as abuse, because it severely sets off kitten due to abuse from an ex of hers (well sort of an ex, it's complicated).
So punching and kicking and caning are all definitely abuse. Scratching her while slapping her is okay but only to be used in really severe situations. Slapping is fine so long as it isn't a really hard slap. This all goes for the reverse and is okay for her to do to me as well, whether I am D or s at the time.
I have to be clear on something. We don't use physical things for punishment almost ever - instead we do things like writing lines, being ignored for periods of time (never ever days, or really ever more than an hour or two unless severe disobedience/breaking rules), being banned from tv and/or videogames; those are what we use as punishment, not things like cropping. Cropping is sex-play, not punishment (although yes, it can indeed be Funishment). This is only for extreme situations, we're not going to be going around slapping each other over minor shit. But when nothing will get through to the other person, this is what is allowed, that is the rule for what counts as abuse.
I felt like it should be clarified here out in public so not only do we know for ourselves, but if it ever comes up in the blog, and someone says something about it, we can link them to this and go "Here, this is what we consider the guideline, this is what we consensually decided for just between ourselves as to what counts for abuse and what doesn't."
I'll write something about how life has changed recently later on, because I want this to stand alone. Ta loveys.
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Sunday, 15 June 2014
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
thoughts
luna has had an up and down few days. it's difficult being so dominant and suddenly finding out that for over a year you have really just been burying your submissive side down because you were too scared to submit.
It also leads to fears of things like what if luna prefers submission to dominance, what if luna is too submissive for Mistress Rachel's needs (which is very likely since luna was trained into being a doormat, essentially, so now Mistress has to re-train her into not being so incapable of ever arguing or complaining or denying her will even if it's bad for her/luna), and what if Mistress Rachel needs to be kitten and needs luna to be Mari at a time when she is incapable of it.
luna has been seriously worrying over all of these things and more, until first, Mistress totally reassured her that she thinks how in sync we are with each other will make things balance out, second Mistress pointed out that of course the first while is going to be luna needing to be luna because she has buried all of her submissive needs for years basically, and third, luna started finishing one of her absolute favourite webcomics called Girly. she is reaching a point where (SPOILER ALERT) the "sidekick" had gotten tired of being the sidekick and let badness overtake her. The "leader" decided that if that was the case, then she would become the sidekick and let her sidekick be the leader until any point which they decided to switch back, if ever. (END SPOILER)
The ease of it, how simple and easily the transition went... really reassured luna. Mistress had said earlier that she thought she might have been getting worn out with being the sub all the time, and certainly frustrated with being unable to order luna to do things when she was being indecisive. Even as a domme, Mari is very indecisive because the whole of her life until she was about 19 she never ever had to make a single decision on her own. her father and mother decided what clothes and toys and food and films and everything else she ever owned or did. whenever she was doing things notinolving her parents or family she allowed her friends to make the decisions. and then entered a D/s relationship with someone who was not a very good D and turned abusive in the end and turned her into a doormat who couldn't think for herself until she realised she was nearing a point where she would rather kill herself than continue living that way.
Both sides of Marina, D and s, are crazy indecisive and often put off making decisions until the thought of them, even tiny ones, drives her into severe panic attacks. luna being luna means that if ever Mistress wants to make a decision for Mari, like ordering her to do something that she is putting off but has to do, she can just say "luna, do (insert here)" and luna will obey almost immediately. That is probably the only good thing about her doormat training. Rachel now has a stable way of making Marina do things she is indecisive about without having to worry about overstepping her bounds.
This is all very frightening for both parts of Marina because change is scary as hell, but slowly she is beginning to feel more and more and more like this is right.
Okay that being over with now onto the fun part of the blog.
OMIGOSH LUNA NEVER THOUGHT BEING HYPNOTISED WAS POSSIBLE.
Like, seriously. even now, even with concrete proof, she half-fears she is just somehow faking it or something without realising it. Crazy.
It was so fun though. And highly fucking arousing. luna loooooves feeling so helpless to Mistress' will and it makes luna squirmy and so incredibly wet whenever Mistress puts her under. It really makes luna want Mistress to use her and torture her and do all kinds of naughty things with her, no matter the taboo. (Well, within limits. No amount of hypnosis will make luna into toilet stuff or vomiting or being spat upon. None whatsoever. Which is all well and good because Mistress isn't into it either.) And Mistress basically like... Spent the whole of luna's day while Mistress was awake, dropping luna into and out of trance. Apparently as a submissive luna is highly suggestible. Mistress tried the trigger she inset into luna on Mari just to see if it'd work, sneaky girl, and it DID omigosh. Mari fought it but ended up dropping off, and was able to fight it less each time it was used. Kind of scary but a good scary, and very weird and totally crazy. Scary because despite fighting it Mari likes the idea of her pet having such control over her in a way even though it's hard and frightening to admit that because it means even as a domme she likes the idea of submission.
Anyhow, luna kept waking up feeling so tingly and floaty, and unless Mistress clarified totally woken up and aware, fuzzy and not sleepy but almost-drowsy. Like she had just woken up from the best nap but was still in the process of waking up.
luna would go into more detail of the hypnosis but does not have permission to make herself cum, refuses to cheat by switching to being dominant, and would be put into a state of nearly unbearable arousal if she went into more details of it.
Which is hilarious really since luna very rarely needs or wants to physically orgasm - it's a sign of what a huge thing the hypnosis is for this relationship that it can put her into such a state both doing the entrancing and being entranced.
So yeah. That's it for now, more to come in the future - hopefully the next post will be by Mari, and not luna, but who knows what the future holds!
Ta, lovies~!
~luna <3
It also leads to fears of things like what if luna prefers submission to dominance, what if luna is too submissive for Mistress Rachel's needs (which is very likely since luna was trained into being a doormat, essentially, so now Mistress has to re-train her into not being so incapable of ever arguing or complaining or denying her will even if it's bad for her/luna), and what if Mistress Rachel needs to be kitten and needs luna to be Mari at a time when she is incapable of it.
luna has been seriously worrying over all of these things and more, until first, Mistress totally reassured her that she thinks how in sync we are with each other will make things balance out, second Mistress pointed out that of course the first while is going to be luna needing to be luna because she has buried all of her submissive needs for years basically, and third, luna started finishing one of her absolute favourite webcomics called Girly. she is reaching a point where (SPOILER ALERT) the "sidekick" had gotten tired of being the sidekick and let badness overtake her. The "leader" decided that if that was the case, then she would become the sidekick and let her sidekick be the leader until any point which they decided to switch back, if ever. (END SPOILER)
The ease of it, how simple and easily the transition went... really reassured luna. Mistress had said earlier that she thought she might have been getting worn out with being the sub all the time, and certainly frustrated with being unable to order luna to do things when she was being indecisive. Even as a domme, Mari is very indecisive because the whole of her life until she was about 19 she never ever had to make a single decision on her own. her father and mother decided what clothes and toys and food and films and everything else she ever owned or did. whenever she was doing things notinolving her parents or family she allowed her friends to make the decisions. and then entered a D/s relationship with someone who was not a very good D and turned abusive in the end and turned her into a doormat who couldn't think for herself until she realised she was nearing a point where she would rather kill herself than continue living that way.
Both sides of Marina, D and s, are crazy indecisive and often put off making decisions until the thought of them, even tiny ones, drives her into severe panic attacks. luna being luna means that if ever Mistress wants to make a decision for Mari, like ordering her to do something that she is putting off but has to do, she can just say "luna, do (insert here)" and luna will obey almost immediately. That is probably the only good thing about her doormat training. Rachel now has a stable way of making Marina do things she is indecisive about without having to worry about overstepping her bounds.
This is all very frightening for both parts of Marina because change is scary as hell, but slowly she is beginning to feel more and more and more like this is right.
Okay that being over with now onto the fun part of the blog.
OMIGOSH LUNA NEVER THOUGHT BEING HYPNOTISED WAS POSSIBLE.
Like, seriously. even now, even with concrete proof, she half-fears she is just somehow faking it or something without realising it. Crazy.
It was so fun though. And highly fucking arousing. luna loooooves feeling so helpless to Mistress' will and it makes luna squirmy and so incredibly wet whenever Mistress puts her under. It really makes luna want Mistress to use her and torture her and do all kinds of naughty things with her, no matter the taboo. (Well, within limits. No amount of hypnosis will make luna into toilet stuff or vomiting or being spat upon. None whatsoever. Which is all well and good because Mistress isn't into it either.) And Mistress basically like... Spent the whole of luna's day while Mistress was awake, dropping luna into and out of trance. Apparently as a submissive luna is highly suggestible. Mistress tried the trigger she inset into luna on Mari just to see if it'd work, sneaky girl, and it DID omigosh. Mari fought it but ended up dropping off, and was able to fight it less each time it was used. Kind of scary but a good scary, and very weird and totally crazy. Scary because despite fighting it Mari likes the idea of her pet having such control over her in a way even though it's hard and frightening to admit that because it means even as a domme she likes the idea of submission.
Anyhow, luna kept waking up feeling so tingly and floaty, and unless Mistress clarified totally woken up and aware, fuzzy and not sleepy but almost-drowsy. Like she had just woken up from the best nap but was still in the process of waking up.
luna would go into more detail of the hypnosis but does not have permission to make herself cum, refuses to cheat by switching to being dominant, and would be put into a state of nearly unbearable arousal if she went into more details of it.
Which is hilarious really since luna very rarely needs or wants to physically orgasm - it's a sign of what a huge thing the hypnosis is for this relationship that it can put her into such a state both doing the entrancing and being entranced.
So yeah. That's it for now, more to come in the future - hopefully the next post will be by Mari, and not luna, but who knows what the future holds!
Ta, lovies~!
~luna <3
Saturday, 15 March 2014
Okay, so, LOTS of news here.
First off, let's get the vanilla things out of the way. Moved in with grandparents proper, in their spare bedroom, mom is sleeping on the bed in the den. The camper will soon be not working out due to heat issues (the AC only works with the roof uncovered, alas; it is spring and thus rain is an ever present threat, which means links will be sprung and tarp must stay on.) and before we had so many cold spells that even our nice big new heater couldn't handle it. It's very stressful but I have handled it a lot better than expected.
My ex-roommate is sending some of my things to me which will help considerably. I miss my stuff.
My counsellor is super pleased with my progress and suggested a new step in therapy: peer support centre. There is one in the town that I live in and it is relatively close by and SETHRA (the pseudo-bus system) can pick me up and take me down there for only a dollar since it is in town, if my grandma can't take me. I'll be looking into it soonish I hope.
The above moving thing is part of why I haven't written anything lately, stress out the wazoo. I went semi-aysec for a while as well and that always makes blogging difficult.
I HAVE LOST A WHOLE LOT OF WEIGHT. And yet my tits continue to grow. /lesigh On the one hand I love large breasts, and having them, but on the other the bigger my boobs are the harder crossdressing is. :/ Maxie has the same problem.
OK NOW. Explanation for the below. Maxie is technically kitten's pet-name, and kitten is her position as well as another pet name. Her birth name is Rachel, and she has no problems with the name whatsoever, but I have never felt right using it for many reasons none of which will probably ever be written here.
Onto the D/s part of our relationship now.
As I have written about before I am sure (if not, oh well) I am a switch. Most of the time I am definitely Dominant but I have moments of extreme submission - usually following emotional crises. When I have a severe panic attack out of nowhere, or when I am feeling incredibly insecure and incompetent and things of that nature, I either get submissive after or am submissive during those times. There are other situations, but those are the big ones.
The thing is, the person who used to Dom me is really pretty vanilla outside of obviously the domination thing (which he's more of a daddy-dom anyways and not super dominant anyhow) and a size kink. And lately when we mess around it's more of a he just needs to get off and I am his best friend and always willing to help him because we have had our weird relationship for over ten years now.
I have severe trust issues. There are basically only two people I trust now to really dominate me - well kind of three but me and that person don't really mess around, it's complicated - and... one of those people is Maxie.
It might seem odd to some who read this but I know to others it will make perfect sense. Especially taking into consideration the hypnosis aspect of our relationship. I trust her more than I trust any person on this earth. I have always known she was a switch but previous subs of mine did not want to see any part of that side of me and preferred to pretend it didn't exist...
Well one night this past week I was really loopy from not sleeping enough and such and finally confessed to her that I'd really like to at least try her dominating me sexually some day. We're already switchy outside of sex - I am bipolar and have social anxiety/phobia and tourettes and a general muleheadedness about taking medicine for panic attacks until I am already in one so she has permission carte blanche to order me to take my damned xanax already.
She said I had already said something along the lines and I clarified: I didn't want to pressure her, but I really really really wanted to try switching during sex at least once.
We decided that if it happened naturally we'd try it and see how it went; if it screwed up the rest of the dynamic then no more. If it didn't - well we'd officially become a switchy couple with me the Mistress most of time but kitten the Mistress at other times when she or I needed it.
I had one of the aforementioned panic attacks earlier, and kitten noticed pretty soon afterwards that I was in a pretty out of it state of mind and correctly read it as me being submissive and scared shitless despite my medicine.
So she took charge. And in the perfect way. And we had mind-blowing sex (well through text and on call but fucking still holy shit) not just once but twice. Both of us agreed that it was definitely not going to be a one time thing. We also decided that me calling her kitten and her calling me Mistress had been pretty kinky but it wouldn't suffice for permanent. I am now her luna and she is my Mistress Rachel. We decided since I never ever use her birth name but she actually likes it (unlike me where I can't fucking stand mine), it was the best possible solution. Trying it out led to the second instance of sex.
So, there will be two new tags in this blog now, and the "Mistress" tag is basically getting retired, kitten (or me, after the fact) will tag her posts Mistress Mari if they have to do with me, and luna will tag her posts Mistress Rachel if they have to do with her.
So, um.... yeah. Kinda crazy, but the really awesomeazing kind of crazy and things went so much better than they could have and I really think we definitely made the right decision doing this. Hopefully she will write a post tomorrow or sometime soon about her thoughts.
(Also holy fuck is she a damn good Domme. *_*)
~Mari <3
My ex-roommate is sending some of my things to me which will help considerably. I miss my stuff.
My counsellor is super pleased with my progress and suggested a new step in therapy: peer support centre. There is one in the town that I live in and it is relatively close by and SETHRA (the pseudo-bus system) can pick me up and take me down there for only a dollar since it is in town, if my grandma can't take me. I'll be looking into it soonish I hope.
The above moving thing is part of why I haven't written anything lately, stress out the wazoo. I went semi-aysec for a while as well and that always makes blogging difficult.
I HAVE LOST A WHOLE LOT OF WEIGHT. And yet my tits continue to grow. /lesigh On the one hand I love large breasts, and having them, but on the other the bigger my boobs are the harder crossdressing is. :/ Maxie has the same problem.
OK NOW. Explanation for the below. Maxie is technically kitten's pet-name, and kitten is her position as well as another pet name. Her birth name is Rachel, and she has no problems with the name whatsoever, but I have never felt right using it for many reasons none of which will probably ever be written here.
Onto the D/s part of our relationship now.
As I have written about before I am sure (if not, oh well) I am a switch. Most of the time I am definitely Dominant but I have moments of extreme submission - usually following emotional crises. When I have a severe panic attack out of nowhere, or when I am feeling incredibly insecure and incompetent and things of that nature, I either get submissive after or am submissive during those times. There are other situations, but those are the big ones.
The thing is, the person who used to Dom me is really pretty vanilla outside of obviously the domination thing (which he's more of a daddy-dom anyways and not super dominant anyhow) and a size kink. And lately when we mess around it's more of a he just needs to get off and I am his best friend and always willing to help him because we have had our weird relationship for over ten years now.
I have severe trust issues. There are basically only two people I trust now to really dominate me - well kind of three but me and that person don't really mess around, it's complicated - and... one of those people is Maxie.
It might seem odd to some who read this but I know to others it will make perfect sense. Especially taking into consideration the hypnosis aspect of our relationship. I trust her more than I trust any person on this earth. I have always known she was a switch but previous subs of mine did not want to see any part of that side of me and preferred to pretend it didn't exist...
Well one night this past week I was really loopy from not sleeping enough and such and finally confessed to her that I'd really like to at least try her dominating me sexually some day. We're already switchy outside of sex - I am bipolar and have social anxiety/phobia and tourettes and a general muleheadedness about taking medicine for panic attacks until I am already in one so she has permission carte blanche to order me to take my damned xanax already.
She said I had already said something along the lines and I clarified: I didn't want to pressure her, but I really really really wanted to try switching during sex at least once.
We decided that if it happened naturally we'd try it and see how it went; if it screwed up the rest of the dynamic then no more. If it didn't - well we'd officially become a switchy couple with me the Mistress most of time but kitten the Mistress at other times when she or I needed it.
I had one of the aforementioned panic attacks earlier, and kitten noticed pretty soon afterwards that I was in a pretty out of it state of mind and correctly read it as me being submissive and scared shitless despite my medicine.
So she took charge. And in the perfect way. And we had mind-blowing sex (well through text and on call but fucking still holy shit) not just once but twice. Both of us agreed that it was definitely not going to be a one time thing. We also decided that me calling her kitten and her calling me Mistress had been pretty kinky but it wouldn't suffice for permanent. I am now her luna and she is my Mistress Rachel. We decided since I never ever use her birth name but she actually likes it (unlike me where I can't fucking stand mine), it was the best possible solution. Trying it out led to the second instance of sex.
So, there will be two new tags in this blog now, and the "Mistress" tag is basically getting retired, kitten (or me, after the fact) will tag her posts Mistress Mari if they have to do with me, and luna will tag her posts Mistress Rachel if they have to do with her.
So, um.... yeah. Kinda crazy, but the really awesomeazing kind of crazy and things went so much better than they could have and I really think we definitely made the right decision doing this. Hopefully she will write a post tomorrow or sometime soon about her thoughts.
(Also holy fuck is she a damn good Domme. *_*)
~Mari <3
Friday, 13 December 2013
Getting back into the groove of things
Is very difficult when suddenly you're ill and don't feel like doing anything.
Seriously. Way fucking difficult. All I want to do is sleep or read instead of doing things I need to do, and as a result my schedule is completely out of whack and I'm all freaking nocturnal now. Not to mention I am on my stinkin' period on top of all that.
Anyway; things are progressing somewhat. We've had a bump in the road to normalcy, one that goes by the name of Kira.
Kira's an old friend and pet and more-than-friend of mine (it's Complicated with a capital "c") who sort of disappeared from our lives around nine or ten months ago. Now, in the long run, this was a good thing because it meant that I was suddenly truly giving up on us being anything more than close friends and soul sisters, and as a result focused a lot more on kitten. That meant that kitten and I grew closer and closer than we already were, and developed into the strong relationship we have now.
But suddenly a few weeks ago Kira appeared back in our lives and everything got turned upside down. I almost lost kitten, and I'm sure that if it hadn't been for me adamantly assuring her that there was no way in hell I was letting Kira replace her, she would have tried really hard to return to second place like she thought she had been before Kira left.
One small problem with that though, and that is that she wasn't second place by the time Kira left.
Maxiekitten was already taking place in the hole Kira left behind even before Kira left, and it turned out Kira saw that (it wasn't like I was actively hiding it or anything, I was being very open about the changes going on and she was being very supportive of those changes for various reasons) and thought that things would progress better if she wasn't around. That isn't to say she left on purpose, but things went to shit in her life and she lost contact and once contact was gone she didn't try too hard to get it back for a while, because of that.
Reading over it this all sounds very confusing and in dire need of clarification. Kira is an ex-girlfriend of mine who is only recently (within the past year and a half) an "ex". She's been my best friend for around nine or ten years now, and we have been everything from soul-sibs to lovers to Mistress/pet. She came to me for healing the second time she entered my life, she was in an unhealthy marriage and being mistreated by her husband in many ways, even though he never hit her. He was always first in her life, and I knew that we weren't really meant to be more than soul-sibs in the long run but I fell in love with her all over again (I had been in love with her the first time I knew her but we were both in the closet) despite knowing this and ended up with a lapful of heartache for my efforts. It wasn't that she didn't love me, but her husband, no matter how much he mistreated her, always came first. (Just so you know, no cheating was going on, he knew about me and didn't give a damn because he knew she'd never leave him for me.)
Eventually their relationship hit rock bottom and they split up and she leaned on me even more but I was still never first place. There was always someone else, or the hope for someone else. She was always looking for a replacement for him, until shortly before she left when suddenly she started to grow more independent and I realised that she didn't need me to support her any more, as well as that I would probably never really be first in her heart. She had a little bit of difficulty coming to the realisation that she didn't need me how she thought she did though, even after re-entering my life for a second time, but since I was second-place in her life for almost the entire time I knew her, she is happy now that I finally have someone I am willing to put first in my heart that isn't her.
I think she's still struggling a little bit with the change because unlike kitten and I she didn't have anyone else to take my place when she left us behind, but she's taking the changes well and like I said, actively encouraged us to grow closer in the past. She has someone to take my place now as her Dominant though, so kitten doesn't have to share me with her as a Mistress, which is for the best really. I think kitten would have shared me even though she didn't want to, and would have ended up resenting us both for it.
I don't know that for sure though. That's just my thinking. In either case, she doesn't have to share me in that way, Kira is accepting me as a sister instead of a lover or girlfriend or Mistress, even if she's having to fight old habits somewhat to do so.
So anyways, yeah, we're finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine but it's taking forever because things keep getting in the way; first Kira came back, now I'm sick, and I'm also on my cycle. I can only hope that nothing else decides it would be fun to get in the way of kitten and I trying to get back to how things were, but this illness seems damn determined to get in our way enough as it is.
Then again, I think the whole mess with Kira is a good thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that if Kira hadn't come back, kitten would always wonder if she was really first in my heart and would always wonder if Kira might come back and take her place. But now she knows for sure that it won't happen because Kira came back and kitten is still first in my heart. <3
Seriously. Way fucking difficult. All I want to do is sleep or read instead of doing things I need to do, and as a result my schedule is completely out of whack and I'm all freaking nocturnal now. Not to mention I am on my stinkin' period on top of all that.
Anyway; things are progressing somewhat. We've had a bump in the road to normalcy, one that goes by the name of Kira.
Kira's an old friend and pet and more-than-friend of mine (it's Complicated with a capital "c") who sort of disappeared from our lives around nine or ten months ago. Now, in the long run, this was a good thing because it meant that I was suddenly truly giving up on us being anything more than close friends and soul sisters, and as a result focused a lot more on kitten. That meant that kitten and I grew closer and closer than we already were, and developed into the strong relationship we have now.
But suddenly a few weeks ago Kira appeared back in our lives and everything got turned upside down. I almost lost kitten, and I'm sure that if it hadn't been for me adamantly assuring her that there was no way in hell I was letting Kira replace her, she would have tried really hard to return to second place like she thought she had been before Kira left.
One small problem with that though, and that is that she wasn't second place by the time Kira left.
Maxiekitten was already taking place in the hole Kira left behind even before Kira left, and it turned out Kira saw that (it wasn't like I was actively hiding it or anything, I was being very open about the changes going on and she was being very supportive of those changes for various reasons) and thought that things would progress better if she wasn't around. That isn't to say she left on purpose, but things went to shit in her life and she lost contact and once contact was gone she didn't try too hard to get it back for a while, because of that.
Reading over it this all sounds very confusing and in dire need of clarification. Kira is an ex-girlfriend of mine who is only recently (within the past year and a half) an "ex". She's been my best friend for around nine or ten years now, and we have been everything from soul-sibs to lovers to Mistress/pet. She came to me for healing the second time she entered my life, she was in an unhealthy marriage and being mistreated by her husband in many ways, even though he never hit her. He was always first in her life, and I knew that we weren't really meant to be more than soul-sibs in the long run but I fell in love with her all over again (I had been in love with her the first time I knew her but we were both in the closet) despite knowing this and ended up with a lapful of heartache for my efforts. It wasn't that she didn't love me, but her husband, no matter how much he mistreated her, always came first. (Just so you know, no cheating was going on, he knew about me and didn't give a damn because he knew she'd never leave him for me.)
Eventually their relationship hit rock bottom and they split up and she leaned on me even more but I was still never first place. There was always someone else, or the hope for someone else. She was always looking for a replacement for him, until shortly before she left when suddenly she started to grow more independent and I realised that she didn't need me to support her any more, as well as that I would probably never really be first in her heart. She had a little bit of difficulty coming to the realisation that she didn't need me how she thought she did though, even after re-entering my life for a second time, but since I was second-place in her life for almost the entire time I knew her, she is happy now that I finally have someone I am willing to put first in my heart that isn't her.
I think she's still struggling a little bit with the change because unlike kitten and I she didn't have anyone else to take my place when she left us behind, but she's taking the changes well and like I said, actively encouraged us to grow closer in the past. She has someone to take my place now as her Dominant though, so kitten doesn't have to share me with her as a Mistress, which is for the best really. I think kitten would have shared me even though she didn't want to, and would have ended up resenting us both for it.
I don't know that for sure though. That's just my thinking. In either case, she doesn't have to share me in that way, Kira is accepting me as a sister instead of a lover or girlfriend or Mistress, even if she's having to fight old habits somewhat to do so.
So anyways, yeah, we're finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine but it's taking forever because things keep getting in the way; first Kira came back, now I'm sick, and I'm also on my cycle. I can only hope that nothing else decides it would be fun to get in the way of kitten and I trying to get back to how things were, but this illness seems damn determined to get in our way enough as it is.
Then again, I think the whole mess with Kira is a good thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that if Kira hadn't come back, kitten would always wonder if she was really first in my heart and would always wonder if Kira might come back and take her place. But now she knows for sure that it won't happen because Kira came back and kitten is still first in my heart. <3
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Polyamory?
So I just finished reading this entry on Pygar's blog. Before anyone reads this I suggest they go read that post and the article linked to in it.
I started writing a comment but it grew long-winded since polyamory is a subject very close to my heart, being that I am poly myself.
In direct answer to the questions asked I would say this: Yes, I have had failed poly relationships, mostly because of self-centrism (I'll talk about that in this blog post); I think the article is interesting and should be read by more people, because it smacks of truth and from a biological standpoint it is highly accurate; I believe polyamory is most natural but being repressed; and finally, in my experience gender is not as much of an issue as sexuality. Most heterosexual people I have met have been the least open to polyamorous relationships, with bisexual and pansexual people being the most open.
Being pansexual myself probably lends itself to partly of why I am so polyamorous.
Let me explain that. For those who don't know, pansexuality is basically saying fuckitall to gender. That isn't saying pansexuals can't have a preference (mine runs towards femininity, be it male, female, trans, queer, or whatever), but gender is like hair colour to us. I don't care if you're a brunette or a redhead or have vividly purple hair, in fact in the latter case I'd probably just ask where you got it done. The same goes with gender. I personally feel like limiting myself to a specific set of genders is limiting who I can love. And loving someone is the most wonderful feeling on earth, so why on earth would I place a limit on who I can love?
The same goes with my polyamory. I love to love. I feel like I have so much love to give to other people that it seems unfair to both myself and anyone who cares for me to limit myself. Some people would say it's selfishness but I say it's the opposite - there is no double standard here. I have three people I romantically love aside from my kitten and they are all more tied to other people than myself. Good for them. I want their happiness with whomever they choose, even or especially if it isn't me.
If my kitten ever found a playmate she wanted, found someone she loved and wanted to get into a relationship with, I would encourage it. (In fact I have done this before.) I want her to be happy and if limiting herself to only me means she is less happy then I refuse to do that to her. Maxiekitten is my biggest love and the most important to me, but all of my others are very, very important to me as well and I love them all equally. The only reason I love them less is because they in turn love me less than who they are also with. It levels and equals out.
Now, the part of my post that is more in line with Pygar's question of whether monogamy or polyamory was more natural. I think it sort of differs. Certainly among animals monogamy is less natural. But humans have slowly developed a culture where monogamy is prevalent.
But it wasn't always so. Monogamy is a pretty recent thing, historically speaking, and if you want to disagree just read the damn bible of all things. Polygamy's everywhere in the old testament, and was widely accepted as how things were done. I think the world's culture moving to being more self-centric (everything is all about "me", "me", "me" - "my" wants, "my" needs, "my" desires, making sure "I" get fulfilled firstly and more importantly to anything else) is what makes polyamory harder.
It's becoming about not wanting to share. I am poly. I am also in a somewhat monogamous relationship because my love is not poly, not completely so anyways. There are people in my life that I have had for longer than her, and she is perfectly accepting of them and understanding, so long as I don't shove it in her face. She is also open to the idea of having a playmate, but scared of fully sharing me. I am not looking for anyone else, firstly because I respect her fears and second because, honestly, I am the luckiest person on earth to have so much love in my life, it would be selfish to ask for even more and I am content with what I have.
It's like we feel that sharing leads to losing, somehow. Personally I think it's the opposite. As I stated before, I am polyamorous partly because I am a giving person. I have all this love inside of me, how could I be so selfish as to focus it on one person and one person alone? How could I be so selfish as to expect the people I love more than anything to selfishly focus only on me and not find more and more happiness? If my kitten ever found someone she loved and wanted me to share her with, I would gladly accept it, as I said before. I would encourage it. Because it is selfish of me to do otherwise.
And yes, by doing so I risk becoming less important to her, but you know what?
It's more important to me that she be as happy as she can possibly be, than it is that I be the most important person in her life. Because to me, that is what love is about. Wanting someone to be happy and to make them happy more than you want anything else.
And I think that monogamy stands in the way of that because of how we see it as a society as the be-all and end-all of relationships. I do NOT think monogamy is wrong. I think monogamy is perfectly and exactly what some people need to be happy. I do however think that how society views it in general is detrimental to the happiness of every person who could possibly be poly and is being held back because it's "unacceptable".
The biggest hindrance to relationships of any kind is dishonesty, and I think that dishonesty to oneself is even worse than dishonesty to one's partner(s). And with how we view monogamy it is very hard for poly people to be honest with themselves about their leanings, which leads to cheating, lacking communication, and broken hearts.
Okay I should probably shut up now before I go on another rant, hahaha. Pygar, I want to thank you for such a great post and great questions to answer, it really inspired me.
I started writing a comment but it grew long-winded since polyamory is a subject very close to my heart, being that I am poly myself.
In direct answer to the questions asked I would say this: Yes, I have had failed poly relationships, mostly because of self-centrism (I'll talk about that in this blog post); I think the article is interesting and should be read by more people, because it smacks of truth and from a biological standpoint it is highly accurate; I believe polyamory is most natural but being repressed; and finally, in my experience gender is not as much of an issue as sexuality. Most heterosexual people I have met have been the least open to polyamorous relationships, with bisexual and pansexual people being the most open.
Being pansexual myself probably lends itself to partly of why I am so polyamorous.
Let me explain that. For those who don't know, pansexuality is basically saying fuckitall to gender. That isn't saying pansexuals can't have a preference (mine runs towards femininity, be it male, female, trans, queer, or whatever), but gender is like hair colour to us. I don't care if you're a brunette or a redhead or have vividly purple hair, in fact in the latter case I'd probably just ask where you got it done. The same goes with gender. I personally feel like limiting myself to a specific set of genders is limiting who I can love. And loving someone is the most wonderful feeling on earth, so why on earth would I place a limit on who I can love?
The same goes with my polyamory. I love to love. I feel like I have so much love to give to other people that it seems unfair to both myself and anyone who cares for me to limit myself. Some people would say it's selfishness but I say it's the opposite - there is no double standard here. I have three people I romantically love aside from my kitten and they are all more tied to other people than myself. Good for them. I want their happiness with whomever they choose, even or especially if it isn't me.
If my kitten ever found a playmate she wanted, found someone she loved and wanted to get into a relationship with, I would encourage it. (In fact I have done this before.) I want her to be happy and if limiting herself to only me means she is less happy then I refuse to do that to her. Maxiekitten is my biggest love and the most important to me, but all of my others are very, very important to me as well and I love them all equally. The only reason I love them less is because they in turn love me less than who they are also with. It levels and equals out.
Now, the part of my post that is more in line with Pygar's question of whether monogamy or polyamory was more natural. I think it sort of differs. Certainly among animals monogamy is less natural. But humans have slowly developed a culture where monogamy is prevalent.
But it wasn't always so. Monogamy is a pretty recent thing, historically speaking, and if you want to disagree just read the damn bible of all things. Polygamy's everywhere in the old testament, and was widely accepted as how things were done. I think the world's culture moving to being more self-centric (everything is all about "me", "me", "me" - "my" wants, "my" needs, "my" desires, making sure "I" get fulfilled firstly and more importantly to anything else) is what makes polyamory harder.
It's becoming about not wanting to share. I am poly. I am also in a somewhat monogamous relationship because my love is not poly, not completely so anyways. There are people in my life that I have had for longer than her, and she is perfectly accepting of them and understanding, so long as I don't shove it in her face. She is also open to the idea of having a playmate, but scared of fully sharing me. I am not looking for anyone else, firstly because I respect her fears and second because, honestly, I am the luckiest person on earth to have so much love in my life, it would be selfish to ask for even more and I am content with what I have.
It's like we feel that sharing leads to losing, somehow. Personally I think it's the opposite. As I stated before, I am polyamorous partly because I am a giving person. I have all this love inside of me, how could I be so selfish as to focus it on one person and one person alone? How could I be so selfish as to expect the people I love more than anything to selfishly focus only on me and not find more and more happiness? If my kitten ever found someone she loved and wanted me to share her with, I would gladly accept it, as I said before. I would encourage it. Because it is selfish of me to do otherwise.
And yes, by doing so I risk becoming less important to her, but you know what?
It's more important to me that she be as happy as she can possibly be, than it is that I be the most important person in her life. Because to me, that is what love is about. Wanting someone to be happy and to make them happy more than you want anything else.
And I think that monogamy stands in the way of that because of how we see it as a society as the be-all and end-all of relationships. I do NOT think monogamy is wrong. I think monogamy is perfectly and exactly what some people need to be happy. I do however think that how society views it in general is detrimental to the happiness of every person who could possibly be poly and is being held back because it's "unacceptable".
The biggest hindrance to relationships of any kind is dishonesty, and I think that dishonesty to oneself is even worse than dishonesty to one's partner(s). And with how we view monogamy it is very hard for poly people to be honest with themselves about their leanings, which leads to cheating, lacking communication, and broken hearts.
Okay I should probably shut up now before I go on another rant, hahaha. Pygar, I want to thank you for such a great post and great questions to answer, it really inspired me.
Wednesday, 12 June 2013
Changes, changes, changes.
(Note: This post to be changed and edited as we go along, and possibly re-posted if things change enough.)
We would not be "us" without these things:
Maxie being more than "Just a pet", the fact that she is my Mate and my lover and my girlfriend.
The fact that Mistress is now taking control outside of sex and we are becoming closer to 24/7.
Hypnosis, now. That has to stay, it has become such an integral part of our relationship.
Incentives:
We would not be "us" without these things:
Maxie being more than "Just a pet", the fact that she is my Mate and my lover and my girlfriend.
The fact that Mistress is now taking control outside of sex and we are becoming closer to 24/7.
Hypnosis, now. That has to stay, it has become such an integral part of our relationship.
Incentives:
- Punishments: Defined - banning things, some physical punishments, and that ignoring is to be used for any sort of outright defiance, no matter how small. Ignoring is not to last more than several hours even for larger defiances. There will be no days-long ignorings in this relationship.
- Rewards: Currently in progress (we are not sure where these fit right now - they have to have some use but we are unsure of how to work that out as of yet.)
- Service: Defined (fluidly) - If Mistress wants to plan a session or scene out, it will be mentioned, and that if pet gets her studying done by such time or something, then Mistress will have her scene or session. Sessions would work best if aimed towards a goal and/or had direct pleasuring as an end result. "Physical" service without scene: e.g.: pet tied up and giving me oral or something like that. (note: anyone who disapproves of this keep in mind that we both wrote this and my kitten suggested that this would work better than how I had previously gone about doing things which was the focus being on her pleasure more than my own due to a misguided attempt to keep from being selfish and not focusing on her needs.)
Thursday, 23 May 2013
If it ain't broke, don't fix it...right?
But what if it IS broken. Or breaking? Or changing in inconceivably enormous ways that are scary and unprecedented and worrisome, but completely, wholly, and totally needed?
Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.
We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.
Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.
There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.
This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.
So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.
But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else. This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".
Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.
It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.
Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3
Kitten and I, as I have stated earlier I am sure, are going through a change in our relationship. This naturally leads to a lot of confusion and fear because both of us are afraid of change. Both of us fear change so much that we might either give up, or try to stay with something broken. This is the first time I have EVER stayed with a relationship when this much change was needed. I usually give up.
We have been "together" in some way, shape, or form, for over a year and a half and known each other for about two and a half years. It feels and seems like much longer, thinking about it, wow. Only two and a half years. With all that has changed, all we have gone through? Wow.
Anyways, she started off as my "casual" pet. Just playing. Just occasionally, and only during sex. Over time, however, our relationship has evolved into something much more complex, much more intense, more intimate. It has become, pardon the hypno-pun, a much deeper relationship.
There is more involved, we are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic, as much as is possible with an LDR anyhow, and are working on intensifying the D/s aspect of our relationship. Hypnosis is becoming a regular part of our relationship. We are also more of a vanilla relationship too. She is not "just" my pet. Just like she is not "just" my girlfriend. She is my lover, my mate, my kitten. My pet, my girlfriend, my comfort. The most important person in my life.
This means a lot of change. And that change is confusing, frightening, and hard to accept.
So far it has come a lot easier than probably either of us expected but one hurdle we still have to get over is communicating about it. There is a draft in our blog right now defining what we are, what things are necessary to our relationship, what makes us "us". It might stay a draft, it might not. But that talk we had was a huge leap for me to take and a huge fright for my kitten because both of us really, really, really fear change.
But I feel and probably rightly so that if we cannot and do not talk about these changes, our relationship might break. Surely I would normally have left by now were it anyone else. This is also what makes me feel we are well and truly right for each other. Neither of us have run away. Or backed down. Or said "things were better before, lets go back then".
Sometimes things that don't look broken might be breaking, and sometimes they need fixed, or repaired, or changed, in order to keep them from becoming completely broken. And that is what we are doing. Preventative repairs. Change on purpose to combat the change on accident that might pull us apart.
It is only making us closer. And I think that if more people regularly took a look at their relationships, their dynamics, themselves, and did check-ups, took control of their relationships instead of letting the relationships taking control of them... a lot more relationships that fall apart might be able to stay together because they fixed the break before it broke too much.
Just my two penneth, as kitten would say. <3<3<3
Saturday, 18 May 2013
Dominance, submission, and hypnosis.
kitten and I have, as of late, been using hypnosis to further her submission. Looking back, I think we had reached a roadblock because I was not really doing things properly, partially by being overcautious.
See, neither kitten nor myself wish for a doormat. I want kitten to still be the little spitfire she can be, I want kitten to still be able to tell me to fuck off when need be and to be able to stand up for herself around others. Including other Dom/mes. But kitten pointed out to me recently, as in today, that she was worried because I was increasing her submission and obedience in general - was worried that she would start being like that for everyone.
Suddenly, I realised, oh, duh. My kitten doesn't want to submit to everyone. My kitten only wants to submit to me. So I promised her from then on I would clarify that she was to deepen her obedience and submission to me.
There had been plans made for a session tonight that got interrupted by forgotten family plans, which was understood. And the proper session I had in mind just wasn't possible when, after taking a "short" nap, it turned out it had been five hours passed and I had slept through alarm. So instead we "settled" (because sessions and maulings are equally enjoyed, just differently so) for sex. And more sex. And suddenly something happened and I put her under.
It was quite unexpected. Quite as in incredibly, very much, out of the ballpark, unexpected. I found myself feeling much more confident as I took her deeper, as I ordered her to submit and obey and as she, immediately, became completely receptive to my commands when I added "to Mistress" and "to me" to the end of them.
To me it felt as if instead of saying "Yes" acceptingly and willingly like she had before, she was screaming "YES! FINALLY!" and embracing it with her whole being.
It felt right. And I took her deeper. And deeper. And deeper. And she became more and more receptive, more and more willing, more and more eager. Especially as I clarified even more, that her submission to me would not hold her back - it would make her more confident, more driven, more powerful in her daily life.
The session ended with both of us feeling so much better. I found out (I cannot help but brag about this) that she came physically without having to use an outside hypnosis video, which is such a rare and precious and wonderful thing to me. She told me she felt calm. Settled. Stable, even. It ended with me having for the first time experienced topspace and feeling so damn confident and right that it was almost scary! I also experienced a very short topdrop which she helped me through and was quickly back to my normal weird self.
I lamented not having put the usual trigger of thinking of me and then suggested I put her to bed since it was half 2 in the morning there. We decided together that it would be a voice session this time, and I put her to sleep and instilled the trigger of thinking of me and then made it so that the trigger would strengthen with each use. Making her calm, relaxed, happy. Submissive to me, obedient to me, open to my will. Cause all negative emotions to just roll over her, crash against her and piddle away as if they were nothing. Bad choice of words, that, I meant to say dissipate but couldn't find the word and decided on a slang definition of piddle to be a suitable substitution for the time being.
Of course this will never be complete. The trigger works but it cannot magically fix everything.
But I have so much more hope than before and that seems impossible because I had a FUCKTON of hope before now. I just feel so concretely secure that things will be better for both of us now. Maybe it's false hope. Maybe I'm just being weird. Idek. I feel like we have gotten past a block somehow that neither of us really knew was there, and I am hoping and praying that what I feel is right and that this helps because the more she submits to me the happier she seems to get and all I want is my kitten to be happy.
Monday, 13 May 2013
Insert Obligatory First Post Here
Soooo hi there! This is going to be a private blog just for myself and my kitten, at least for now. It may or may not be made public any time in the near or far future. I just like writing my thoughts out as if to some third party at times. [Edit: kitten has informed me that she has no issue with this blog becoming public, so here we go! Public away! Who knows if anyone will read other than a friend but hey, it's out there for anyone who wants to see. Kinda scary :o But also exciting. :3]
Maybe I should capitalise those "my"s and such but to be completely honest I do not consider myself to be above anyone else much less my kitten. For a time I even trained myself out of using the English capitalised "I" because I hate how it is so self-centric. However the little niggling grammar-nazi in me looks and goes "Nein! Das ist nicht gut! Das ist falsch!" (I took German in the fourth grade, as well as in high school. Of course meine grammatik-nazi spricht Deutsch. However, admittedly, that part of me hates the centrism of the capitalised I and prefers the German "ich", as well.)
Aaanyways, back to the point! This is just the obligatory first post blah blah blah.
My kitten hates having to do/make introductions (or rather, "about me" sections, which are fairly similar, so mleh :P) so she shan't have to do her own. Mostly, she is just my beloved, precious, treasured pet. I adore and love and cherish her. We have a D/s relationship. Some might see us as M/s but she is not my slave, she is my pet. Many would say there is no difference. I disagree. But the difference is something I cannot easily explain, so, it's whatever.
There is also a fairly noticeable switchy component to our relationship. I am not mentally stable all the time, and unfortunately my kitten has to deal with most of my issues. At the same time though I do try to support her as best as I can and see to her needs, as well as making sure to deal with her issues and help her grow and learn and become who I know she can be. She does not Dominate me and I do not submit to her, however she has every right to tell me I am wrong and why I am wrong, she has every right to put her foot down and say "fuck no" (within reason), and she maintains her own free will. I listen to her advice and I listen to her when she informs me that I am not taking care of myself and am thus being a hypocrite because I expect her to take care of herself. I listen to her when she tells me I need to tell her things, or to calm the fuck down.
However, she belongs to me - completely. I don't care if she plays with someone else, it is just play. Her heart is mine. She submits to me willingly, and in return I give her the domination she desires and needs. I am in control of her. This part is coming along surprisingly quickly; for a very long time we were only sexually D/s and I had no idea she wanted - or, rather, needed - the other side, the 24/7 side more than the sexual side. As I have previously been a submissive in an abusive and neglectful M/s relationship before, fearing that I will or would or could travel into those realms held me back a lot until I finally found that out. Not to say that the sexual side no longer exists, but a balance is being sought out and found. I am learning that I can take control without going too far. And learning that she will immediately tell me when I have gone to far or am heading down that path.
As well, I belong to her, and although that side of the dynamic is more complex, she is still the first in my heart and will be forevermore.
Our relationship is long distance. She lives in England and I in the US. Hopefully I will be moving over there in the span of a few years. Even more hopefully she will be coming to visit me in a year or so. Surprisingly enough this hinders our relationship to less extent than one would imagine, especially with such things as Skype, Gtalk, Dropbox, Google drive, and the like.
Either way, I am taking more control, allowing time for both our needs, and hopefully fulfilling my precious, sweet little kitten's hopes, dreams, and needs. I suppose that's all there is to be said. This blog will probably not centre around D/s but it might. It might be filled with a plethora of things. Who knows. Certainly not I for I know but little; I love thee my kitten, with my entire being.
Maybe I should capitalise those "my"s and such but to be completely honest I do not consider myself to be above anyone else much less my kitten. For a time I even trained myself out of using the English capitalised "I" because I hate how it is so self-centric. However the little niggling grammar-nazi in me looks and goes "Nein! Das ist nicht gut! Das ist falsch!" (I took German in the fourth grade, as well as in high school. Of course meine grammatik-nazi spricht Deutsch. However, admittedly, that part of me hates the centrism of the capitalised I and prefers the German "ich", as well.)
Aaanyways, back to the point! This is just the obligatory first post blah blah blah.
My kitten hates having to do/make introductions (or rather, "about me" sections, which are fairly similar, so mleh :P) so she shan't have to do her own. Mostly, she is just my beloved, precious, treasured pet. I adore and love and cherish her. We have a D/s relationship. Some might see us as M/s but she is not my slave, she is my pet. Many would say there is no difference. I disagree. But the difference is something I cannot easily explain, so, it's whatever.
There is also a fairly noticeable switchy component to our relationship. I am not mentally stable all the time, and unfortunately my kitten has to deal with most of my issues. At the same time though I do try to support her as best as I can and see to her needs, as well as making sure to deal with her issues and help her grow and learn and become who I know she can be. She does not Dominate me and I do not submit to her, however she has every right to tell me I am wrong and why I am wrong, she has every right to put her foot down and say "fuck no" (within reason), and she maintains her own free will. I listen to her advice and I listen to her when she informs me that I am not taking care of myself and am thus being a hypocrite because I expect her to take care of herself. I listen to her when she tells me I need to tell her things, or to calm the fuck down.
However, she belongs to me - completely. I don't care if she plays with someone else, it is just play. Her heart is mine. She submits to me willingly, and in return I give her the domination she desires and needs. I am in control of her. This part is coming along surprisingly quickly; for a very long time we were only sexually D/s and I had no idea she wanted - or, rather, needed - the other side, the 24/7 side more than the sexual side. As I have previously been a submissive in an abusive and neglectful M/s relationship before, fearing that I will or would or could travel into those realms held me back a lot until I finally found that out. Not to say that the sexual side no longer exists, but a balance is being sought out and found. I am learning that I can take control without going too far. And learning that she will immediately tell me when I have gone to far or am heading down that path.
As well, I belong to her, and although that side of the dynamic is more complex, she is still the first in my heart and will be forevermore.
Our relationship is long distance. She lives in England and I in the US. Hopefully I will be moving over there in the span of a few years. Even more hopefully she will be coming to visit me in a year or so. Surprisingly enough this hinders our relationship to less extent than one would imagine, especially with such things as Skype, Gtalk, Dropbox, Google drive, and the like.
Either way, I am taking more control, allowing time for both our needs, and hopefully fulfilling my precious, sweet little kitten's hopes, dreams, and needs. I suppose that's all there is to be said. This blog will probably not centre around D/s but it might. It might be filled with a plethora of things. Who knows. Certainly not I for I know but little; I love thee my kitten, with my entire being.
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