I am struggling. Like, really struggling.
The last two of my exams are on Monday and, as they approach, the light and colour is quickly draining from my world. I honestly wasn't expecting to have the educational rug pulled out from under me until I was leaving university all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed only to find my degree is worthless. Sadly, due to a certain politician and his outdated ideas of how schools should work, if I fail now this will be it for me.
Obviously it's not the end of the world, there are a million ways I could go even if I don't do well enough in exams but it's hard to see it that way. I'm an academic and I really don't know where I fit in this world other than doing that.
Except I do.
I know exactly where I fit.
Right at my Mistress' feet.
This morning I found myself in the deepest pit of depression I've encountered for a long time; everything seemed so big and there I was, tiny and weak. Yet somehow, even in the midst of that a part of me knew what I needed. It was small at first but there was a little part of me crying out for Her to take some control and as the depression got worse, that voice got louder and louder until I couldn't let my pride deny it any more and voiced what I needed.
(Just want to point out here that this speaks for how new and tentative we are with regards to the 24/7 thing that I was so reluctant to say anything and she had not taken that step by herself. We are a loooong ways off having this down.)
The second Mistress stepped in, even though it was only in a small way, I felt so much weight lift off my shoulders. The second I knew things were in Her hands I just... I felt safe and secure. My day completely turned around from that point; I got jobs done in my room that I had been putting off for days and I even managed to study.
When this day started I felt hopelessly depressed and tied to my bed, right now I can't say it's all gone away but I can move again and my future is not a black hole. My future lies with my Mistress. That is my constant. Whatever path I may take, we will be taking it together. Not only is that my comfort but it is also a warning: if I am lazy and I throw in the towel with my life, I take her with me. I don't want that and She will most certainly not let it happen.
I ended yesterday wondering whether giving myself wholly to Mistress was what I wanted. I end today knowing that it's what I need.
It needs to be said that this post was going a whole different direction. That "Except I do" part was an epiphany I had literally the second I wrote the words and it's so true. Mistress shows me my place in the world, somewhere I and only I can fit in and I feel so blessed to have that.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words for how happy and fulfilled this post made me feel by the end. I will definitely do my best to take this step before you ask from now on. I will do my best to remember that it's not just a matter of me wanting to interfere, but it is something that you want, something that helps you feel secure and safe and able to do the work that needs done. That it isn't about ME, it's about YOU. And that not only do want it, you also need it.
ReplyDelete-pets you lovingly, kissing your forehead as she pulls you close- I love you my darling kitten. My little limpet. My Maxie. <3<3<3