I don't know...

...exactly where I want this post to go.

There is a lot of stuff that could be talked about, and a lot of stuff on my mind, so this one will probably  be labelled with "rambling" because I suspect it will be very much me just rambling on about different things.

First off: Name change has gone out the window for now. It costs almost 160 dollars, and so it is something that will have to happen after I get on SSI disability (NOT social security - more on that, next, I suppose), assuming I do. Knowing this is a good thing, even though it sucks that it's so expensive - it is also incredibly straightforward. In Indiana you had to run a large notification in a big newspaper for three weeks in order to get your name changed, as well as jump through lots of hoops and hurdles and pay a large fee.  Here it's just fill out papers, pay the fee, and then get copies so you can change Social Security card and Driver's License or ID, and anything else needing changed. I found out that unless I change my social security card I don't need to bother with anything else and both of those for food stamps and SafetyNet are a simple rescanning and change of information forms, it doesn't affect my status, so yay!

Now, on SSI: SSI stands for Supplemental Security Income. For people who cannot work and have not been able to work enough to earn any chance of social security, there is SSI. It is similar to welfare, or benefits, or unemployment, only more permanent (sometimes) and harder to get into. I have not worked enough to earn much social security credit, and have not held a job in oh, what, seven years? because of mental and physical disability: tourette's syndrome being the physical; crippling social anxiety and severe bipolar as well as intense paranoia being the mental. We're working on getting me to a level of beieng able to just function on a daily basis with medication, but that is just functioning. That does not mean I will be able to go out and look for a job and survive with my physical and mental health intact if I manage to get a job. I have some very self-destructive tics, such as pulling my hair (out), scratching my arms (til they bleed), digging my nails into my skin (similarly, until it bleeds), biting my cheeks/lips/tongue (until bleeding)... and while I do not do them frequently, I also actively avoid any situation that might possibly set me off. I also do things like cut my nails to the quick every week to keep them short so that they have less chance of harming me, got my tongue pierced and actively switch my tic out to biting that instead of my cheeks/lips/tongue, keep toilet paper around to put between my nails and my arms...

I'm not one of those "lazy, just want to not work" people. I ache with self-detesting guilt sometimes, because I don't work, and from the idea that I am even considering trying to get on SSI; but it does not change the fact that I am, whether I think it most of the time or not, whether it outwardly seems so or not, pretty damn severely disabled. It is not that I do not want to work. It is that I cannot work a job that is stable, and trying to work from home is only something that would bring me lots of bad experience because phones are frightening, I cannot always summon the will to work, and depression is more frequent for me than mania so I would end up having a breakdown similar to the three I had while I tried to attend college (I have tried both online, and in person).

I need a way to support myself until I can get to a point of stability that I can find things to do to similarly support myself, if it is even possible. I need a way to support myself to even try. And that is where SSI comes in. I've already taken the first steps, being that of therapy and medication, and now we have to get in touch with the lawyer that we are using to help, and hopefully I will qualify. The fear is that I have a lot of things wrong that combine to be severe enough to disable me, but each thing on its own is not enough to qualify me as disabled. They have tests to check for a person's functionality, but what if those tests happen on a "good" day, or on a day when I am manic? What then? I can function fine when I am manic, even to the point of being a social butterfly at parties, but that is not an accurate portrayal of who I am on a daily, monthly, or even yearly basis. Similarly, do I take my medicine? or go how I normally am? Could I even function enough to get to the testing without freaking out without it?

It's a long, arduous, and scary process. Everyone around me seems certain that it will happen, except myself. Everyone thinks I qualify easily, except myself. And I wonder if that in and of itself will be a hindrance because it's hard to convince someone else that you are disabled when you grew up being forcefully told you were not and cannot even convince yourself that you are.

-sigh- On and on, let's change topic shall we? kitten, you may not feel up to reading this part just yet so skip over it if you need since you already know most of this anyhow. Whenever I write another note in this colours you can just start reading again. <3

My appointment went well. My pdoc easily understood that the fact that medication works is scary, helped ease my fears, and did put me on a daily anti-anxiety - sort of. It's really a mood-stabiliser and anti-epileptic that has been shown to have great properties for aiding with severe anxiety, and just the fact that I have not even taken a whole xanax every day since friday shows that it works. Because my saphris is also a mood stabiliser as well as an anti-psychotic (to help with paranoia) she cut my dose in half, and because xanax is meant to be taken as emergency/as needed rather than as "need it to function" as I had been been taking it (note: I was not abusing it, and was told I could take it that way, but that is not how it should be taken and my pdoc is very smart  and knows this) she also cut my dose from three pills a day allowed to two.

Not that I've needed them much. One day I didn't take any, being Saturday. Sunday I took one, yesterday I took one, and today I have taken half of one (just recently actually)

Seriously, it's fucking frightening how damn well this new med works, and my doctor is amazing and understands that and doesn't patronise me or act as if she is all-knowing, and I really just like her a lot, and am glad I have her as a doctor. I need to talk to her about seeing if she can aid in me getting on SSI, actually. She is already helping so much and seems to be willing to go the extra mile to make sure that I am able to get as much help as I can since she knows I can't work like this. As I said before, right now we are just trying to get me to a state of "I can function on a daily basis without being in a constant state of panic".  It's working remarkably well. I've even talked to my uncle twice without freaking out. (He is a lot like two of the men in my life who were emotionally and mentally (some would say physically too.. for one of them) abusive towards me, so he sets me off really bad sometimes) Although I did just take half a pill after the two interactions, still, normally I would have felt such strong symptoms that I would have needed an entire pill  immediately. not just felt the stirrings of an attack coming on and taken half a pill to prevent it.

So yeah, there's that done with. kitten you may begin reading again if you stopped. 

Lets see, I also wanted to talk about hypnosis with kitten and how that is coming along! I have done two recordings for her, using a trance-trigger. They are working okay but not as well as we need them too, so I am going to (tomorrow, hopefully, if I get the alone time) record an induction (one that we know works for her that I simply modified to suit sleeping position) and deepener. The deepener I am very proud of as it was the first thing I ever wrote on my own, meant to be used more than once.

Modifying it for speech rather than text has been an hours-long process but so worth it. I love the extra scope it gives me. Instead of telling kitten to take herself deeper, I get to lead the way. I get to add in all those details that make the experience more realistic. Comparing the two, well.. it's clear that I know more what I am doing now, and aside from the general direction being the same, there is almost no comparison. The same things happen, in totally different ways. The detail is so much more intense, and dammit I really wish my goddamned uncle had left when he was supposed to so I could record this now.

-fidgets- if I turn the ac back on I might record it anyways. I seriously want to record this for kitten, to get her reaction to it, to hear her pleasure at how well it worked. Even though I have less faith in it than she does, I still know that it'll work at least somewhat. And when I allow my logic to take over, I know that it will work incredibly effectively, especially because it is familiar to her, and she knows what to expect, to an extent (I have been talking to her about it, plus as I said, it is a modification of the first deepener I ever wrote for her)... and that it will blow her expectations out of the water.

I know it sounds very vain of me, and I hate sounding that way because really I have serious self-confidence issues, and actively try not to be vain or pompous or anything like that. It's only that now I know what I am doing, know her better, have more experience... and it already worked insanely effectively to begin with!

There is almost no way on earth that it wouldn't work, seriously. It would take a lot for it to not work, and I'm not that incompetent, seriously.

Maybe once I know he is asleep I'll record it, so she can use it tonight. Or maybe while he's awake even. The ac will effectively muffle my voice, and I can always noisereduce it like I did the others. (thank goodness for Audacity, woo. love that program) ...yes I am paranoid enough that even though I was completely ans totally alone when I recorded the other two files, I kept the ac on to muffle my voice.  This is part of why I am on medication, yo. XD

ANYHOW lol. Lessee. There was one more thing, I think... Oh! Right! kitten has her exams now, spaced over the next two weeks, so wishing her luck on them and sending her good vibes so that she can work effectively would be appreciated for anyone who comes across this and reads it before her exams are over!

I think I've rambled enough for now. Imma go check on files and see how much time I need to give to kitten and count up how much we've used over the weekend and yesterday to detract from the hours she has earned. Might just be lazy and count it all as one of my "free" sessions since I've only used two out of six.. yeah.. that sounds like a good idea :3 And much less work for a nervy and tired Mari.