It's been a while

Summary:

Mari is seeing a counsellor as well as pdoc and is getting a case worker too so good times. One the other hand, she's being evicted due to bullshit reasons from landlord's crazy wife and may or may not have to live with her mother AND grandparents depending on many things, so bad times.

I got into Aberystwyth university, good times. I also got diagnosed with depression, bad times.

So as you can see, plenty of reason why a blog isn't exactly on the top of the priority list. Yet here I am because I feel like I need to say things and be listened to without actually going through the horror of a conversation.

As the 21st of September looms ever closer and my moving out day hangs over me, I find myself getting increasingly anxious about... well... myself. I am about to make a metric shit -tonne of first impressions and just look at me! The depression means I put on 14lbs over summer and stopped giving a shit about my appearance and I am pretty much a shivering bundle of nerves and awkward. I am going to be shoved into a house with possibly 5 other people who I have to live with for the best part of a year and the first thing they are going to think when they see me is "Ugh she is disgusting". That's all I can think about, pretty much all day every day I'm thinking about how terrible I look. I got a calorie counting app which probably isn't helping but at the same time it must be because it's the only effort I'm making towards change. It's got me to think about what I eat and how much I exercise yeah, but I'm guessing it shouldn't be taking over my mind like it is. Three months without school or leaving the house much has left me with precious little else to think about. Two days in a row I have gone for a 30 minute walk, which I feel proud of for about ten seconds before it descends back into "nothing will ever be enough". I've got so many clothes that don't fit me now it's like my entire wardrobe is just staring at me and judging me, even if sometimes it's just that the shops I've been to are stingy with their sizes. I'm losing the ability to think about this stuff logically and healthily.

I think I should probably stop there.