So, back before I created this blog, back before I met kitten, back before florida happened... I was a mask. Or several, really. Marina didn't exist back then. What existed was a person who could not feel emotions because the trauma from being raped multiple times when she was ten made her cut them out of her. Total apathy. Laughter? False. Crying? Only physical pain, and incredibly horrible pain at that. Excitement? A facade. Sadness? What sadness? What fear?
The only thing I genuinely felt for at least three years of my life, was loneliness. Not your normal loneliness. It was like this all-encompassing hole of nothing swallowing me and making me see, every single day of my life, that I was completely, totally alone. That no one I knew understood me or would ever understand me because it was literally impossible for them to do so. So I made masks. I faked emotion. I was never happy, never sad, never angry, never upset, never scared.
Until I hit sixteen. See, I got a real bad case of walking pneumonia when I was fifteen, and was on a regimen of a narcotic cough suppressant to help keep me out of the hospital. Unfortunately it started bringing back memories of things, some good, some bad, that had happened to me as young as 3. I woke up from the dreams confused and befuddled, and convinced that they couldn't have happened to me.
Until I started asking my mom about them. And sure enough, every single dream I brought to her attention was something that was a memory. Of course, some things, like being raped, I didn't mention and didn't want to accept that had happened to me. Unfortunately all this culinated in an explosion. Very shortly before I hit sixteen years old, my masks broke, failed me, and I started feeling things again.
Can you imagine the agony emotions were to me after so long without them? Especially when, the moment I started experiencing emotions, I was experiencing severe bipolarity? I swung wildly back and forth between suicidal depression and dangerous mania. I felt anger so bad that I almost broke my sister's arm in a fit of rage. I was completely unequipped to deal with even normal emotions at this point of my life, and instead of even getting the opportunity to get used to it I was thrust into completely unpredictable instability.
Of course, eventually I learned to deal. Yeah, "dealing" included cutting and other forms of self-injury, "dealing" included becoming a kleptomaniac and thrill-seeker. But at least I wasn't succumbing to the suicidal thoughts any more (I have actively attempted suicide at least three times in my life, and listlessly attempted to waste away more times than I can count), and at least I had an outlet for the extra energy my mania gave me rather than allowing my anger to take control of me and hurt people.
No, it wasn't right, but it was better than what could have happened. It was better than what happened in florida, where I was abused, molested at knifepoint, raped, homeless on multiple occasions, had to steal just to survive. Just to eat. I've gone three weeks eating only one very small meal each week. I've never had to sleep on the street but I couchsurfed on the couches of total strangers for a month and a half. I let my boyfriend use me and his best friends abuse me, and repeatedly left somewhat stable situations in order to be with him, only to be kicked out weeks later.
I've been completely disconnected from any means of possible help and only by the grace of the divine managed to escape that hellhole with my life intact.
And that hole never went away. No matter how many friends I had, no matter who I loved, who I got into relationships with. Until suddenly it was gone one day and I realised that somehow it was kitten, the one person I actively pushed away and tried to avoid getting into a relationship with, that filled it.
The problem is, I'm not used to it being filled up. All those bad habits of pushing people away when I get into unpleasant moods, for their sake and mine both, they still exist.
What do you do when habit tells you to push someone away even though you know that it wont fix the problem? What do you do when even though you want to tell someone to stay, you order them to leave, and they have no choice but to obey you because you don't give them any other choice?
More importantly, how do you break these habits and form healthier ones?
I feel very lost and torn right now. I don't know what to do. I've been through so much shit in my life, more in my 27 years than most people experience in 90, and all my friends come to me for advice and I can help them just fine. I always have the right answers.. so why can't I find the right answers for myself?
I don't know what to do, and that's a really hard thing for me to admit.
Tuesday, 14 January 2014
Sunday, 5 January 2014
Updates!!!
Counselling appointment last week went well. My counsellor is proud of me and thinks I am making good progress. I filled out some of my CBT forms and he said it was very clear that I am putting a lot of effort into my therapy and he is glad that I'm trying so hard.
This week I have case manager and an appointment with my new pdoc. Nervous about both things for some reason. The new pdoc I can understand but not so much the case manager because even though I haven't gotten the goal done I have legitimate reasons for it. So idk. On that note, my medicine has been working wonderfully and I haven't had to up the dosage of my xanax again so far, and I haven't been experiencing unpleasant side effects for any of my medicine and I've not been missing doses of the meds I take regularly. So YAY!
My kitten has exams this coming two weeks and also a paper due shortly after the last exam. This is actually great timing for us getting back into the swing of things! When we first started veering more towards 24/7 it had a lot to do with her schooling and study schedules and such, so this is familiar territory for both of us and I am getting the hang of it again. It's different to what she had to do in college, but not too much different. It might be weird but I feel most comfortable with punishment as a part of our dynamic - not physical punishment very often; mostly things like being banned from games or telly, being ignored, having to write lines, etc. Sometimes I'll make her flick herself in an unpleasant way to discourage a negative behaviour but it doesn't happen very often.
As far as other things go, the sexual side of things is going well I think. I am trying to find a balance between enough sex and not too much or too little. Though I think for my kitten it is a rare day when there is "too much", but still. Some days I'm just not in the mood when she is and it leaves us unbalanced. I think it's a carryover from being aysec for that month and a half or so. I'm still getting my libido back and some days it just blanks out. But I think so far I've done a good job of making sure her needs and wants are met to the best of my ability.
So, progress! Things are going much better than they were a month ago. :)
Oh yes, The Watch has been used several times since the last post even going as far as two days between uses and not having to use the script to retrain the trigger, but we haven't had a chance to use it in several days so I have a suspicion that next time I'll have to retrain the trigger. We'll see though, I suppose I'll have to write another post about it once I get the chance to use it on kitten. ^_~
This week I have case manager and an appointment with my new pdoc. Nervous about both things for some reason. The new pdoc I can understand but not so much the case manager because even though I haven't gotten the goal done I have legitimate reasons for it. So idk. On that note, my medicine has been working wonderfully and I haven't had to up the dosage of my xanax again so far, and I haven't been experiencing unpleasant side effects for any of my medicine and I've not been missing doses of the meds I take regularly. So YAY!
My kitten has exams this coming two weeks and also a paper due shortly after the last exam. This is actually great timing for us getting back into the swing of things! When we first started veering more towards 24/7 it had a lot to do with her schooling and study schedules and such, so this is familiar territory for both of us and I am getting the hang of it again. It's different to what she had to do in college, but not too much different. It might be weird but I feel most comfortable with punishment as a part of our dynamic - not physical punishment very often; mostly things like being banned from games or telly, being ignored, having to write lines, etc. Sometimes I'll make her flick herself in an unpleasant way to discourage a negative behaviour but it doesn't happen very often.
As far as other things go, the sexual side of things is going well I think. I am trying to find a balance between enough sex and not too much or too little. Though I think for my kitten it is a rare day when there is "too much", but still. Some days I'm just not in the mood when she is and it leaves us unbalanced. I think it's a carryover from being aysec for that month and a half or so. I'm still getting my libido back and some days it just blanks out. But I think so far I've done a good job of making sure her needs and wants are met to the best of my ability.
So, progress! Things are going much better than they were a month ago. :)
Oh yes, The Watch has been used several times since the last post even going as far as two days between uses and not having to use the script to retrain the trigger, but we haven't had a chance to use it in several days so I have a suspicion that next time I'll have to retrain the trigger. We'll see though, I suppose I'll have to write another post about it once I get the chance to use it on kitten. ^_~
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Happy presents day!
A belated Merry Christmas to anyone who reads our corner of the blogosphere!
I bought a present for kitten and I with some of the money I got for Christmas. Well, two presents really. First, I got a pair of couples necklaces from amazon with an amazon gift card, although that was really the second gift I got for both of us. It's just not the one I intend to focus on in this post.
The second thing I got for both of us, is I got myself a steel pocket watch. Brushed steel on the back, shiny steel on the front, with a lovely chain and no designs on it whatsoever. Plain and simple. I bought it with two things in mind: one, that I adore pocket watches, and two, that it would be a perfect tool for entrancing kitten with.
As I have mentioned before, I am certain, I have set a trigger into kitten so that she goes into a light trance whenever she hears or sees me say or type out "Entrance". It has to be capitalised, and it has to be either in a script or recording if it isn't real time. We used various methods to get this trigger into effectiveness but now it's permanent, or seems to be, anyways.
So yesterday I went about explaining my plans to kitten and she jumped onboard with fervour. We worked out how best to set the trigger in for the watch entrancing her and successive sightings of it pulling her deeper, and tried it out. Now, let me be clear here. I intended on repeating the process near-daily until it stuck. I wasn't planning for it to work immediately and neither was she.
Imagine my surprise when suddenly I pulled out the watch, dangled it in front of my webcam, and she dropped off, her breathing levelling out and deepening, and obviously went into a trance, and not a really light one, either.
I proceeded to utterly torture her with it, forcing her to go deeper and deeper and at one point had her cumming practically nonstop for nearly five minutes, making her cum harder with each successive sighting as she was dragged deeper.
It was a beauty to behold, and I wish her cam had been on but she's very iffy about being on cam and I try not to force her to be on cam too much. That doesn't mean I let her always hide away off-camera but it does mean that I don't usually push the issue if she's obviously having a hard time of it. (That leads me to another point for later in the post today.)
Now, there's a strong likelihood that the trigger isn't permanent and I have intentions to continue the trigger insertion process, but differently this time. We are going to test out the watch as daily as possible and when the initial trance becomes noticeably lighter then I will retrain her with the trigger and continue on like that until it is permanent even if there are several days between using the watch.
Today was the first trial and the watch worked beautifully. It set her into a light, but not so light she would be woken up too easily, trance and each successive viewing sent her deeper and deeper. Right now as I type she is in a trance, relaxing and enjoying the trance and excape from the stress of being around her family on Boxing Day when they all get together and everyone who couldn't make it to Christmas dinner has dinner together with the rest of the family. Well. She was. She just got called by her stupid family and it woke her up but I suppose that just means I get a chance to use the watch again to reinforce that she will be calm and relaxed and happy the rest of the day.
Now, onto second point! Last night kitten and I had some serious issues over her disobeying a direct order to keep her camera on. It led to a huge misunderstanding and she spent twenty minutes writing lines and mostly being ignored by me as I tried to figure out why on earth she would disobey me so badly. It turned out that it wasn't a trust issue like I thought but an avoidance issue because she was nearly being set into an anxiety attack from noticing she had cam on and hadn't realised it - she knows that sometimes I will continue to make her do something she is uncomfortable with if it is for her own good (tricky phrase, I know, but so far I have never pushed too far, and I am awfully careful about making sure it really is for her own good and not just my own wants) and wanted to avoid asking me if she could turn her camera off because she thought I might say no.
I explained that if she just tells me that she is nearing an anxiety attack or being set off by something I am asking her to do, I am not going to force the issue. I also explained to her that if she uses the excuse too often I will look a lot more closely at her using it, but we both know she won't. She doesn't lie to me like that, in part because she knows my policy on honesty and that lying is a relationship-breaker for me, and in part because there's really no need to lie. The few times she has lied to me she did it so blatantly that I caught her out immediately, and she admitted that she wanted me to catch her.
Finally, an update on my using the watch again. It worked great and she is feeling good right now. Let's just hope it lasts like it should!!! I spent fifteen minutes reinforcing that she would be happy, content, relaxed, and calm, no matter what happened during the day. So yeah, that's today's update!
I bought a present for kitten and I with some of the money I got for Christmas. Well, two presents really. First, I got a pair of couples necklaces from amazon with an amazon gift card, although that was really the second gift I got for both of us. It's just not the one I intend to focus on in this post.
The second thing I got for both of us, is I got myself a steel pocket watch. Brushed steel on the back, shiny steel on the front, with a lovely chain and no designs on it whatsoever. Plain and simple. I bought it with two things in mind: one, that I adore pocket watches, and two, that it would be a perfect tool for entrancing kitten with.
As I have mentioned before, I am certain, I have set a trigger into kitten so that she goes into a light trance whenever she hears or sees me say or type out "Entrance". It has to be capitalised, and it has to be either in a script or recording if it isn't real time. We used various methods to get this trigger into effectiveness but now it's permanent, or seems to be, anyways.
So yesterday I went about explaining my plans to kitten and she jumped onboard with fervour. We worked out how best to set the trigger in for the watch entrancing her and successive sightings of it pulling her deeper, and tried it out. Now, let me be clear here. I intended on repeating the process near-daily until it stuck. I wasn't planning for it to work immediately and neither was she.
Imagine my surprise when suddenly I pulled out the watch, dangled it in front of my webcam, and she dropped off, her breathing levelling out and deepening, and obviously went into a trance, and not a really light one, either.
I proceeded to utterly torture her with it, forcing her to go deeper and deeper and at one point had her cumming practically nonstop for nearly five minutes, making her cum harder with each successive sighting as she was dragged deeper.
It was a beauty to behold, and I wish her cam had been on but she's very iffy about being on cam and I try not to force her to be on cam too much. That doesn't mean I let her always hide away off-camera but it does mean that I don't usually push the issue if she's obviously having a hard time of it. (That leads me to another point for later in the post today.)
Now, there's a strong likelihood that the trigger isn't permanent and I have intentions to continue the trigger insertion process, but differently this time. We are going to test out the watch as daily as possible and when the initial trance becomes noticeably lighter then I will retrain her with the trigger and continue on like that until it is permanent even if there are several days between using the watch.
Today was the first trial and the watch worked beautifully. It set her into a light, but not so light she would be woken up too easily, trance and each successive viewing sent her deeper and deeper. Right now as I type she is in a trance, relaxing and enjoying the trance and excape from the stress of being around her family on Boxing Day when they all get together and everyone who couldn't make it to Christmas dinner has dinner together with the rest of the family. Well. She was. She just got called by her stupid family and it woke her up but I suppose that just means I get a chance to use the watch again to reinforce that she will be calm and relaxed and happy the rest of the day.
Now, onto second point! Last night kitten and I had some serious issues over her disobeying a direct order to keep her camera on. It led to a huge misunderstanding and she spent twenty minutes writing lines and mostly being ignored by me as I tried to figure out why on earth she would disobey me so badly. It turned out that it wasn't a trust issue like I thought but an avoidance issue because she was nearly being set into an anxiety attack from noticing she had cam on and hadn't realised it - she knows that sometimes I will continue to make her do something she is uncomfortable with if it is for her own good (tricky phrase, I know, but so far I have never pushed too far, and I am awfully careful about making sure it really is for her own good and not just my own wants) and wanted to avoid asking me if she could turn her camera off because she thought I might say no.
I explained that if she just tells me that she is nearing an anxiety attack or being set off by something I am asking her to do, I am not going to force the issue. I also explained to her that if she uses the excuse too often I will look a lot more closely at her using it, but we both know she won't. She doesn't lie to me like that, in part because she knows my policy on honesty and that lying is a relationship-breaker for me, and in part because there's really no need to lie. The few times she has lied to me she did it so blatantly that I caught her out immediately, and she admitted that she wanted me to catch her.
Finally, an update on my using the watch again. It worked great and she is feeling good right now. Let's just hope it lasts like it should!!! I spent fifteen minutes reinforcing that she would be happy, content, relaxed, and calm, no matter what happened during the day. So yeah, that's today's update!
Friday, 13 December 2013
Getting back into the groove of things
Is very difficult when suddenly you're ill and don't feel like doing anything.
Seriously. Way fucking difficult. All I want to do is sleep or read instead of doing things I need to do, and as a result my schedule is completely out of whack and I'm all freaking nocturnal now. Not to mention I am on my stinkin' period on top of all that.
Anyway; things are progressing somewhat. We've had a bump in the road to normalcy, one that goes by the name of Kira.
Kira's an old friend and pet and more-than-friend of mine (it's Complicated with a capital "c") who sort of disappeared from our lives around nine or ten months ago. Now, in the long run, this was a good thing because it meant that I was suddenly truly giving up on us being anything more than close friends and soul sisters, and as a result focused a lot more on kitten. That meant that kitten and I grew closer and closer than we already were, and developed into the strong relationship we have now.
But suddenly a few weeks ago Kira appeared back in our lives and everything got turned upside down. I almost lost kitten, and I'm sure that if it hadn't been for me adamantly assuring her that there was no way in hell I was letting Kira replace her, she would have tried really hard to return to second place like she thought she had been before Kira left.
One small problem with that though, and that is that she wasn't second place by the time Kira left.
Maxiekitten was already taking place in the hole Kira left behind even before Kira left, and it turned out Kira saw that (it wasn't like I was actively hiding it or anything, I was being very open about the changes going on and she was being very supportive of those changes for various reasons) and thought that things would progress better if she wasn't around. That isn't to say she left on purpose, but things went to shit in her life and she lost contact and once contact was gone she didn't try too hard to get it back for a while, because of that.
Reading over it this all sounds very confusing and in dire need of clarification. Kira is an ex-girlfriend of mine who is only recently (within the past year and a half) an "ex". She's been my best friend for around nine or ten years now, and we have been everything from soul-sibs to lovers to Mistress/pet. She came to me for healing the second time she entered my life, she was in an unhealthy marriage and being mistreated by her husband in many ways, even though he never hit her. He was always first in her life, and I knew that we weren't really meant to be more than soul-sibs in the long run but I fell in love with her all over again (I had been in love with her the first time I knew her but we were both in the closet) despite knowing this and ended up with a lapful of heartache for my efforts. It wasn't that she didn't love me, but her husband, no matter how much he mistreated her, always came first. (Just so you know, no cheating was going on, he knew about me and didn't give a damn because he knew she'd never leave him for me.)
Eventually their relationship hit rock bottom and they split up and she leaned on me even more but I was still never first place. There was always someone else, or the hope for someone else. She was always looking for a replacement for him, until shortly before she left when suddenly she started to grow more independent and I realised that she didn't need me to support her any more, as well as that I would probably never really be first in her heart. She had a little bit of difficulty coming to the realisation that she didn't need me how she thought she did though, even after re-entering my life for a second time, but since I was second-place in her life for almost the entire time I knew her, she is happy now that I finally have someone I am willing to put first in my heart that isn't her.
I think she's still struggling a little bit with the change because unlike kitten and I she didn't have anyone else to take my place when she left us behind, but she's taking the changes well and like I said, actively encouraged us to grow closer in the past. She has someone to take my place now as her Dominant though, so kitten doesn't have to share me with her as a Mistress, which is for the best really. I think kitten would have shared me even though she didn't want to, and would have ended up resenting us both for it.
I don't know that for sure though. That's just my thinking. In either case, she doesn't have to share me in that way, Kira is accepting me as a sister instead of a lover or girlfriend or Mistress, even if she's having to fight old habits somewhat to do so.
So anyways, yeah, we're finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine but it's taking forever because things keep getting in the way; first Kira came back, now I'm sick, and I'm also on my cycle. I can only hope that nothing else decides it would be fun to get in the way of kitten and I trying to get back to how things were, but this illness seems damn determined to get in our way enough as it is.
Then again, I think the whole mess with Kira is a good thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that if Kira hadn't come back, kitten would always wonder if she was really first in my heart and would always wonder if Kira might come back and take her place. But now she knows for sure that it won't happen because Kira came back and kitten is still first in my heart. <3
Seriously. Way fucking difficult. All I want to do is sleep or read instead of doing things I need to do, and as a result my schedule is completely out of whack and I'm all freaking nocturnal now. Not to mention I am on my stinkin' period on top of all that.
Anyway; things are progressing somewhat. We've had a bump in the road to normalcy, one that goes by the name of Kira.
Kira's an old friend and pet and more-than-friend of mine (it's Complicated with a capital "c") who sort of disappeared from our lives around nine or ten months ago. Now, in the long run, this was a good thing because it meant that I was suddenly truly giving up on us being anything more than close friends and soul sisters, and as a result focused a lot more on kitten. That meant that kitten and I grew closer and closer than we already were, and developed into the strong relationship we have now.
But suddenly a few weeks ago Kira appeared back in our lives and everything got turned upside down. I almost lost kitten, and I'm sure that if it hadn't been for me adamantly assuring her that there was no way in hell I was letting Kira replace her, she would have tried really hard to return to second place like she thought she had been before Kira left.
One small problem with that though, and that is that she wasn't second place by the time Kira left.
Maxiekitten was already taking place in the hole Kira left behind even before Kira left, and it turned out Kira saw that (it wasn't like I was actively hiding it or anything, I was being very open about the changes going on and she was being very supportive of those changes for various reasons) and thought that things would progress better if she wasn't around. That isn't to say she left on purpose, but things went to shit in her life and she lost contact and once contact was gone she didn't try too hard to get it back for a while, because of that.
Reading over it this all sounds very confusing and in dire need of clarification. Kira is an ex-girlfriend of mine who is only recently (within the past year and a half) an "ex". She's been my best friend for around nine or ten years now, and we have been everything from soul-sibs to lovers to Mistress/pet. She came to me for healing the second time she entered my life, she was in an unhealthy marriage and being mistreated by her husband in many ways, even though he never hit her. He was always first in her life, and I knew that we weren't really meant to be more than soul-sibs in the long run but I fell in love with her all over again (I had been in love with her the first time I knew her but we were both in the closet) despite knowing this and ended up with a lapful of heartache for my efforts. It wasn't that she didn't love me, but her husband, no matter how much he mistreated her, always came first. (Just so you know, no cheating was going on, he knew about me and didn't give a damn because he knew she'd never leave him for me.)
Eventually their relationship hit rock bottom and they split up and she leaned on me even more but I was still never first place. There was always someone else, or the hope for someone else. She was always looking for a replacement for him, until shortly before she left when suddenly she started to grow more independent and I realised that she didn't need me to support her any more, as well as that I would probably never really be first in her heart. She had a little bit of difficulty coming to the realisation that she didn't need me how she thought she did though, even after re-entering my life for a second time, but since I was second-place in her life for almost the entire time I knew her, she is happy now that I finally have someone I am willing to put first in my heart that isn't her.
I think she's still struggling a little bit with the change because unlike kitten and I she didn't have anyone else to take my place when she left us behind, but she's taking the changes well and like I said, actively encouraged us to grow closer in the past. She has someone to take my place now as her Dominant though, so kitten doesn't have to share me with her as a Mistress, which is for the best really. I think kitten would have shared me even though she didn't want to, and would have ended up resenting us both for it.
I don't know that for sure though. That's just my thinking. In either case, she doesn't have to share me in that way, Kira is accepting me as a sister instead of a lover or girlfriend or Mistress, even if she's having to fight old habits somewhat to do so.
So anyways, yeah, we're finally starting to settle into somewhat of a routine but it's taking forever because things keep getting in the way; first Kira came back, now I'm sick, and I'm also on my cycle. I can only hope that nothing else decides it would be fun to get in the way of kitten and I trying to get back to how things were, but this illness seems damn determined to get in our way enough as it is.
Then again, I think the whole mess with Kira is a good thing. I have a sneaking suspicion that if Kira hadn't come back, kitten would always wonder if she was really first in my heart and would always wonder if Kira might come back and take her place. But now she knows for sure that it won't happen because Kira came back and kitten is still first in my heart. <3
Thursday, 21 November 2013
A Submissive's CV
Maxie
Skills
Although much of my appeal as a sub comes in the form of
natural ability, over time I have honed a few specific skills. I am an
attentive and diligent pet when it comes to taking care of my Dominant’s needs
and am able to ensure they take care of themselves without acting above my
station as pet. I greatly enjoy servicing my Mistress and prioritise Her
pleasure far above my own and put in every effort to make sure She enjoys
Herself as much as possible. Due to the nature of our long distance relationship
I have become good at self-training and regulating my own behaviour in terms of
my Mistress’ expectations. I am also able to switch if it is required of me.
Interests
- · Reading – I have read a good amount of literature and advice on the BDSM lifestyle, correct etiquette and overcoming challenges, I find it extremely interesting.
- · Hypnosis – I am an extremely suggestive hypnosis subject and have some experience with triggers, I currently have no proper triggers.
- · Roleplaying – I greatly enjoy roleplaying both in scenes and in a creative writing sense
Education
Around six months of training in the basics of being a
submissive from Mistress Mari.
Training
- · Am able to cum on command
- · Have all but removed negative and limiting words from speech such as can’t
- · Am feisty but generally obedient
- · Can relinquish “I” for short periods of time
- · Will keep head below Mistress’ at all times
- · Have adjusted speech to a more submissive form, using less imperative verbs
Woooo I'm back!
It has been a very, very long time, and much stuff has been going on, so I'll summarise what life has put me through before remarking on how wonderful and sweet and adorable my kitten is.
I can't be arsed to go through and read where my life was at the last time I posted so I'll just start where my landlady went completely batshit insane and decided to evict us. If you recall, I had a room being built for me and everything, and out landlord wasn't at all pleased at her decision but since her health is declining and she had offered before we lived there for her family to move in, he felt he couldn't just say no to her decision - the apartment was to be theirs originally.
All I have to say to that is I hope whoever got my room likes the colour green, since that's what it's painted.
Things were crazy and scary and hectic for a while but I managed, although not without making some stupid mistakes.
When I get incredibly stressed out, you see, I tend to go asexual, or nearly so. And that led to me really neglecting kitten for a time period because I was struggling to deal with all this frightening uncertainty. It was a stupid thing and I sorely regret it but we survived it.
I'm in therapy and seeing a counsellor now, and he's got me doing some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I decided that in order to focus on trying to get myself more stable, I needed to have less responsibility in other things and put the D/s side of our relationship on hold for a undetermined amount of time.
It was a stupid mess and a dumb mistake and stupid way of thinking. It didn't really help at all and just made things worse for the both of us. I ended up neglecting my kitten and the relationship in general, as well as not really making any headway whatsoever on my own therapy and such.
Thanks to some interference from a couple friends that whole mess got sorted out recently. I found a temporary, as in months, not weeks or days, living situation (I'm staying in a motor home next to my grandparents house) and my mom is working on a more permanent situation (looking into buying a nice little house) for us both.
Now that things are slowly settling into more of a routine and becoming more stable for me, our relationship is settling into something stronger and healthier. I think the difficulty we went through really just made us a better couple, even though it was quite an unpleasant thing to go through.
So yeah.
Oh also, I've got a proper case manager now, who comes to see me twice a month to make sure I am keeping up with my medication and working n my goals. She's nice and it's good to have an appointment that makes me clean up the camper on a regular basis, and that I don't have to be driven into town for.
One bad thing is that I might be losing my food stamps but I'm trying not to dwell on that even though it'll really make things damn difficult for me.
So yeah.
Oh, also I am having my kitten write a CV/Resume for me, just as a fun and silly little assignment, since she has to write one for her class. She'll be posting it on here once she's finished, so you can have that to look forward to.
Anyways I think that's all for now. Ta! <3
I can't be arsed to go through and read where my life was at the last time I posted so I'll just start where my landlady went completely batshit insane and decided to evict us. If you recall, I had a room being built for me and everything, and out landlord wasn't at all pleased at her decision but since her health is declining and she had offered before we lived there for her family to move in, he felt he couldn't just say no to her decision - the apartment was to be theirs originally.
All I have to say to that is I hope whoever got my room likes the colour green, since that's what it's painted.
Things were crazy and scary and hectic for a while but I managed, although not without making some stupid mistakes.
When I get incredibly stressed out, you see, I tend to go asexual, or nearly so. And that led to me really neglecting kitten for a time period because I was struggling to deal with all this frightening uncertainty. It was a stupid thing and I sorely regret it but we survived it.
I'm in therapy and seeing a counsellor now, and he's got me doing some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I decided that in order to focus on trying to get myself more stable, I needed to have less responsibility in other things and put the D/s side of our relationship on hold for a undetermined amount of time.
It was a stupid mess and a dumb mistake and stupid way of thinking. It didn't really help at all and just made things worse for the both of us. I ended up neglecting my kitten and the relationship in general, as well as not really making any headway whatsoever on my own therapy and such.
Thanks to some interference from a couple friends that whole mess got sorted out recently. I found a temporary, as in months, not weeks or days, living situation (I'm staying in a motor home next to my grandparents house) and my mom is working on a more permanent situation (looking into buying a nice little house) for us both.
Now that things are slowly settling into more of a routine and becoming more stable for me, our relationship is settling into something stronger and healthier. I think the difficulty we went through really just made us a better couple, even though it was quite an unpleasant thing to go through.
So yeah.
Oh also, I've got a proper case manager now, who comes to see me twice a month to make sure I am keeping up with my medication and working n my goals. She's nice and it's good to have an appointment that makes me clean up the camper on a regular basis, and that I don't have to be driven into town for.
One bad thing is that I might be losing my food stamps but I'm trying not to dwell on that even though it'll really make things damn difficult for me.
So yeah.
Oh, also I am having my kitten write a CV/Resume for me, just as a fun and silly little assignment, since she has to write one for her class. She'll be posting it on here once she's finished, so you can have that to look forward to.
Anyways I think that's all for now. Ta! <3
Thursday, 7 November 2013
Lets dust the cobwebs off this old thing!
I can't really be bothered to write too much right now but I just MUST write this somewhere!!!
Last night…
I dominated someone…
OHMYGODICANNOTBELIEVETHATEVENHAPPENEDHOLYSHIT
Turns out I might be a bit of a switch, at least when it comes to certain guys. It was just..the weirdest most fun thing ever, and my Mistress was watching the whoooooole time.
I never in a million years thought I would be in that position, I mean, when I met Mari at first, I was in the exact position he was in and it was just so strange being in a different role!
Did NOT take long for me to be put back in my proper place though XD
Last night…
I dominated someone…
OHMYGODICANNOTBELIEVETHATEVENHAPPENEDHOLYSHIT
Turns out I might be a bit of a switch, at least when it comes to certain guys. It was just..the weirdest most fun thing ever, and my Mistress was watching the whoooooole time.
I never in a million years thought I would be in that position, I mean, when I met Mari at first, I was in the exact position he was in and it was just so strange being in a different role!
Did NOT take long for me to be put back in my proper place though XD
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
It's been a while
Summary:
Mari is seeing a counsellor as well as pdoc and is getting a case worker too so good times. One the other hand, she's being evicted due to bullshit reasons from landlord's crazy wife and may or may not have to live with her mother AND grandparents depending on many things, so bad times.
I got into Aberystwyth university, good times. I also got diagnosed with depression, bad times.
So as you can see, plenty of reason why a blog isn't exactly on the top of the priority list. Yet here I am because I feel like I need to say things and be listened to without actually going through the horror of a conversation.
As the 21st of September looms ever closer and my moving out day hangs over me, I find myself getting increasingly anxious about... well... myself. I am about to make a metric shit -tonne of first impressions and just look at me! The depression means I put on 14lbs over summer and stopped giving a shit about my appearance and I am pretty much a shivering bundle of nerves and awkward. I am going to be shoved into a house with possibly 5 other people who I have to live with for the best part of a year and the first thing they are going to think when they see me is "Ugh she is disgusting". That's all I can think about, pretty much all day every day I'm thinking about how terrible I look. I got a calorie counting app which probably isn't helping but at the same time it must be because it's the only effort I'm making towards change. It's got me to think about what I eat and how much I exercise yeah, but I'm guessing it shouldn't be taking over my mind like it is. Three months without school or leaving the house much has left me with precious little else to think about. Two days in a row I have gone for a 30 minute walk, which I feel proud of for about ten seconds before it descends back into "nothing will ever be enough". I've got so many clothes that don't fit me now it's like my entire wardrobe is just staring at me and judging me, even if sometimes it's just that the shops I've been to are stingy with their sizes. I'm losing the ability to think about this stuff logically and healthily.
I think I should probably stop there.
Mari is seeing a counsellor as well as pdoc and is getting a case worker too so good times. One the other hand, she's being evicted due to bullshit reasons from landlord's crazy wife and may or may not have to live with her mother AND grandparents depending on many things, so bad times.
I got into Aberystwyth university, good times. I also got diagnosed with depression, bad times.
So as you can see, plenty of reason why a blog isn't exactly on the top of the priority list. Yet here I am because I feel like I need to say things and be listened to without actually going through the horror of a conversation.
As the 21st of September looms ever closer and my moving out day hangs over me, I find myself getting increasingly anxious about... well... myself. I am about to make a metric shit -tonne of first impressions and just look at me! The depression means I put on 14lbs over summer and stopped giving a shit about my appearance and I am pretty much a shivering bundle of nerves and awkward. I am going to be shoved into a house with possibly 5 other people who I have to live with for the best part of a year and the first thing they are going to think when they see me is "Ugh she is disgusting". That's all I can think about, pretty much all day every day I'm thinking about how terrible I look. I got a calorie counting app which probably isn't helping but at the same time it must be because it's the only effort I'm making towards change. It's got me to think about what I eat and how much I exercise yeah, but I'm guessing it shouldn't be taking over my mind like it is. Three months without school or leaving the house much has left me with precious little else to think about. Two days in a row I have gone for a 30 minute walk, which I feel proud of for about ten seconds before it descends back into "nothing will ever be enough". I've got so many clothes that don't fit me now it's like my entire wardrobe is just staring at me and judging me, even if sometimes it's just that the shops I've been to are stingy with their sizes. I'm losing the ability to think about this stuff logically and healthily.
I think I should probably stop there.
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Counselling
So at my last pdoc appointment she suggested that I might benefit from therapy, particularly in regards to my severe social anxiety. I saw my counsellor later that week and made an appointment for the twenty seventh of this month.. Not realising that it's the day after my birthday until just now.
Oh well. Happy birthday to me! Yay... I get to have mental health appointments as a present to myself...
-sighs- I've been gaining weight and I'm going to have to ask my pdoc about whether SafetyNet covers regular medical appointments or not. If it does I need to go get my thyroid hormones tested because there's a chance my hypothyroid disorder has come back.
I could also just be gaining weight from never fucking leaving my room but I need to get the more dangerous option checked as well.
I've been cycling between mania and depression pretty regularly, spending a week or so manic then a week or so depressed, with a few mixed states in between, but the medicine is just an amazing help. I hardly notice it outside of certain things, especially since my dose was doubled. So far the set we have me on is a good balance. One anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser, one anti-anxiety/mood stabiliser (actially it's technically an anti-epileptic medicine but whatever), and one PRN (as-needed) nerve pill for panic attacks and severe tic attacks.
It's nice to be able to just pop a pill or two when I start freaking out and suddenly twenty minutes later be not freaking out and not ticcing badly any more.
I like my counsellor too. He's easy to talk to and we already have a goal set for therapy, which is to reduce my social anxiety to the point where I don't need to pop a pill just to go visit my family or get to my appointments. My pdoc knows about me going to be trying to get on SSI and all that's needed from me is to have a day where I'm up on time and with my mom so I can try calling the SSI place and getting the information I need.
So yeah. Just an update on things... OH! My room is So. Fucking. Close. to being done.
All that needs done is the ceiling fan, the shelves in the bathroom, the trim underneath the bathroom heater, outlet covers, and then cleanup. If I were working on it I could get it done in a day.
Ofc I'm NOT working on it, Wayne is, and he's a busy man so I'll probably have to wait a week or more, which is fucking frustrating as hell, but... Just. So close. My room looks amazing and I'll post pics when it's done.
Maxie kitten and I have been going through some struggles but it isn't more than we can handle, life's just kicking our asses.
I guess that's it for now!!!
Oh well. Happy birthday to me! Yay... I get to have mental health appointments as a present to myself...
-sighs- I've been gaining weight and I'm going to have to ask my pdoc about whether SafetyNet covers regular medical appointments or not. If it does I need to go get my thyroid hormones tested because there's a chance my hypothyroid disorder has come back.
I could also just be gaining weight from never fucking leaving my room but I need to get the more dangerous option checked as well.
I've been cycling between mania and depression pretty regularly, spending a week or so manic then a week or so depressed, with a few mixed states in between, but the medicine is just an amazing help. I hardly notice it outside of certain things, especially since my dose was doubled. So far the set we have me on is a good balance. One anti-psychotic/mood stabiliser, one anti-anxiety/mood stabiliser (actially it's technically an anti-epileptic medicine but whatever), and one PRN (as-needed) nerve pill for panic attacks and severe tic attacks.
It's nice to be able to just pop a pill or two when I start freaking out and suddenly twenty minutes later be not freaking out and not ticcing badly any more.
I like my counsellor too. He's easy to talk to and we already have a goal set for therapy, which is to reduce my social anxiety to the point where I don't need to pop a pill just to go visit my family or get to my appointments. My pdoc knows about me going to be trying to get on SSI and all that's needed from me is to have a day where I'm up on time and with my mom so I can try calling the SSI place and getting the information I need.
So yeah. Just an update on things... OH! My room is So. Fucking. Close. to being done.
All that needs done is the ceiling fan, the shelves in the bathroom, the trim underneath the bathroom heater, outlet covers, and then cleanup. If I were working on it I could get it done in a day.
Ofc I'm NOT working on it, Wayne is, and he's a busy man so I'll probably have to wait a week or more, which is fucking frustrating as hell, but... Just. So close. My room looks amazing and I'll post pics when it's done.
Maxie kitten and I have been going through some struggles but it isn't more than we can handle, life's just kicking our asses.
I guess that's it for now!!!
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