Well, lotsa shit is goin down in my life lately and I am officially a busy, busy bee. Peer Support, SSI trials, family stupidity, getting ready for kitten to visit me...
Oh, I don't know that I've mentioned that yet.
MY KITTEN IS VISITING FOR CHRISTMAS.
There, big news over, we can all go home.
Oooor maybe not.
luna was out yesterday, and I think she did well considering the circumstances. We're going to try to switch more often now I think. I call Maxie by Rachel mostly now, so her new label in the labels will be Rachelkitten rather than Maxiekitten, unless she asks me to keep it as Maxie just on our blog, in which case I will do.
I'm back in place; on a higher dose of my ap medicine, geodon, which I really fucking adore. I love it. A lot. Like, seriously seriously a LOT. It's amazing. I was so worried about it and I love it.
Peer Support is three days a week for me but it'll become more than that rather soon I believe, although I'll be trying to not do that too often because when Rachel is here I'll only be going one or two days a week because of wanting to spend time with her. I wouldn't go at all only that's not conducive to my therapy and I have classes I am in that will still be going on when I am there and I don't want to miss them.
I got onto SSI Disability! It took only three months, I was accepted immediately as being "severely disabled". Their words, not mine. Soooo yeah. That was a shocker and I had to review my entire worldview and scratch out some of the abuse that my dad gave me over things all being in my head and shit like that, and realise that they aren't, I'm just disabled, and there is nothing wrong with that.
My dad and mema think I'm self-diagnosing and I finally said, enough of that shit, I don't fucking care what they think. It was refreshing and necessary.
Much news, little time to post it! I'll be trying to post once every week or two now though, and to make Rachel post that often too.
Ta ta!
Friday, 10 October 2014
Thursday, 21 August 2014
kitten post.
In the last hour, kitten has made many mistakes in her conversation with Mistress, the gravest of these errors was suggesting that Mistress punish kitten by humiliating her. kitten has been ordered to explain what was going through her head for her to say that. The truth is that not nearly enough thinking was going on, after realising that kitten had been wilful and not at all submissive while Mistress was feeling very dominant, a feeling of desperation overtook kitten to try and do something right. In this desperation, kitten blurted out that Mistress should beat or humiliate kitten. kitten wants to make it known that she was feeling an increased level of anxiety due to having taken painkillers but this is not in any way an excuse for what kitten chose to say. kitten did not think before she spoke, that is why such a terrible thing was suggested.
kitten must also explain exactly why this was wrong, which is taking a lot of hard thought on kitten's part. kitten believes the suggestion of humiliation was so wrong because Mistress has had such terrible experiences with punishment by humiliation earlier in life and it was a terrible insult to suggest that Mistress would inflict even a fraction of that upon kitten when Mistress is such a kind and understanding Dominant. Also Mistress would never consider humiliating kitten, knowing how badly kitten is triggered by such things; asking to be triggered suggests that Mistress would even consider something bordering on abuse.
kitten is extremely sorry for what she said without thinking, and kitten will never suggest such a thing again. kitten hopes that this blog post explains everything that Mistress wanted from kitten, and that Mistress will eventually be able to forgive kitten for this terrible action.
kitten must also explain exactly why this was wrong, which is taking a lot of hard thought on kitten's part. kitten believes the suggestion of humiliation was so wrong because Mistress has had such terrible experiences with punishment by humiliation earlier in life and it was a terrible insult to suggest that Mistress would inflict even a fraction of that upon kitten when Mistress is such a kind and understanding Dominant. Also Mistress would never consider humiliating kitten, knowing how badly kitten is triggered by such things; asking to be triggered suggests that Mistress would even consider something bordering on abuse.
kitten is extremely sorry for what she said without thinking, and kitten will never suggest such a thing again. kitten hopes that this blog post explains everything that Mistress wanted from kitten, and that Mistress will eventually be able to forgive kitten for this terrible action.
Friday, 25 July 2014
I fucking hate Harry Potter
Just to make this absolutely clear, this blog post only represents the views of Rachel. Mari is in complete disagreement.
God I fucking hate harry potter.
I got myself into a conversation about it and that was a huge mistake because I start off just a little sarcastic and then slowly degenerate into blind, seething rage.
That name, those two fucking words attached to a franchise translated into god knows how many languages and brought to us through the glory of modern cinema just makes my fucking blood boil. Those two words are a euphemism for 'Rachel's miserable time at school' because in my head those two words are followed by "I'm not allowed that."
(This is going to be a fucking self indulgent few hundred words)
Imagine being the kid that, at the most anticipated part of the primary school day for everyone- what everyone looks forward to as a shared experience, had to leave the classroom in front of everyone and go to the library alone. Why would this happen? Well, because her mother found out they were going to be reading harry potter as a class and made a complaint to the school, having her child removed from that lesson.
Imagine being the kid that, at Christmas when everyone let their hair down and watched movies in class, had to put their hand up and say that a movie couldn't be played. The kid that got glared at by an entire class as another word puzzle was handed out to do in silence because the teacher had no other ideas. Why would this happen? Because this child had been scared to death by her parents that harry potter would corrupt her and her friends and she should never know a thing about it, and she must be as vocal as possible in renouncing its evils.
Imagine having just a few things at school that allowed you to talk to people; being a bit nerdy and liking Doctor Who and loving to read. And then imagine your couple of friends about to start a conversation about the latest book that's coming out, pulling a face and then wandering off because they think they'll get a sermon and a bath in holy water if they mention harry potter in your presence.
That fucking series, book and film, made me miserable. So fucking miserable and alone. I know it was my parents' fault, but they will never see the bad in what they did. In fact, my parents were convinced I went behind their backs and kept up with all of that stuff anyway. I would much rather be angry at a faceless franchise.
Sadly it doesn't remain faceless when your friends love it, and your girlfriend adores it and writes fanfiction about it, they become targets of all this anger for no reason. There are few people who share my position; I have never actually met any, but I'm pretty sure they exist. This only adds to my frustration. I'm beginning to question how I can be with a person willing to give so much time and love to something that makes me so miserable. Not in as much as it is selfish of her to do so, by all means she is entitled to do the things she loves. I think the more confusing thing is the fact that she hasn't yet left me over how hateful I become with this subject and how willing I am to drive it into the ground right in front of her.It's a horrible thing of me to do.
The anger has finally burned to embers. This seems like such a simple issue, either watch the movies and read the books or just drop it. But that does't get me my friends back and un-bully me, I can't get past this resentment or I just can't see a way past it right now. I'm truly sorry to Mari for being a complete bitch but I can't promise it won't happen again and I can't just get over it.
God I fucking hate harry potter.
I got myself into a conversation about it and that was a huge mistake because I start off just a little sarcastic and then slowly degenerate into blind, seething rage.
That name, those two fucking words attached to a franchise translated into god knows how many languages and brought to us through the glory of modern cinema just makes my fucking blood boil. Those two words are a euphemism for 'Rachel's miserable time at school' because in my head those two words are followed by "I'm not allowed that."
(This is going to be a fucking self indulgent few hundred words)
Imagine being the kid that, at the most anticipated part of the primary school day for everyone- what everyone looks forward to as a shared experience, had to leave the classroom in front of everyone and go to the library alone. Why would this happen? Well, because her mother found out they were going to be reading harry potter as a class and made a complaint to the school, having her child removed from that lesson.
Imagine being the kid that, at Christmas when everyone let their hair down and watched movies in class, had to put their hand up and say that a movie couldn't be played. The kid that got glared at by an entire class as another word puzzle was handed out to do in silence because the teacher had no other ideas. Why would this happen? Because this child had been scared to death by her parents that harry potter would corrupt her and her friends and she should never know a thing about it, and she must be as vocal as possible in renouncing its evils.
Imagine having just a few things at school that allowed you to talk to people; being a bit nerdy and liking Doctor Who and loving to read. And then imagine your couple of friends about to start a conversation about the latest book that's coming out, pulling a face and then wandering off because they think they'll get a sermon and a bath in holy water if they mention harry potter in your presence.
That fucking series, book and film, made me miserable. So fucking miserable and alone. I know it was my parents' fault, but they will never see the bad in what they did. In fact, my parents were convinced I went behind their backs and kept up with all of that stuff anyway. I would much rather be angry at a faceless franchise.
Sadly it doesn't remain faceless when your friends love it, and your girlfriend adores it and writes fanfiction about it, they become targets of all this anger for no reason. There are few people who share my position; I have never actually met any, but I'm pretty sure they exist. This only adds to my frustration. I'm beginning to question how I can be with a person willing to give so much time and love to something that makes me so miserable. Not in as much as it is selfish of her to do so, by all means she is entitled to do the things she loves. I think the more confusing thing is the fact that she hasn't yet left me over how hateful I become with this subject and how willing I am to drive it into the ground right in front of her.It's a horrible thing of me to do.
The anger has finally burned to embers. This seems like such a simple issue, either watch the movies and read the books or just drop it. But that does't get me my friends back and un-bully me, I can't get past this resentment or I just can't see a way past it right now. I'm truly sorry to Mari for being a complete bitch but I can't promise it won't happen again and I can't just get over it.
Sunday, 15 June 2014
What counts as abuse?
Rachelkitten and I were having a discussion on what should count in our relationship as abuse, when I was upset and said - as I have said before, but never ever acted on - that I wanted to slap her upside the head for being so stubborn and stupid about not making sure her needs are met. She asked me very bluntly several minutes later, when was I going to hit her, and it surprised me because I thought it was clear that I'd never do something like that. But then she said something that really got me thinking because sometimes she has panic attacks or refuses to do something that is necessary and no amount of talking will get through to her. She said "because nothing else seems to work, maybe that will."
The reason it made me think is because I get like that. Not in the same way all the time, but even as a Dom sometimes I have panic attacks that I cannot be shaken from without a thorough slap, and I would never consider that abuse, it's the only method that works is all. As a sub sometimes I get very self-abusive and neglect myself, because of being sbused by my previous D's, and I fully agree with her reasoning as a submissive - sometimes the only way to make me wake up and stop being fucking stupid is a good slap.
So we had this discussion and had some trouble because of the double standard of whoever is dominant being allowed to hit the submissive, but not the other way around. We finally decided that since both of us have a tendency to have panic attacks that we can't be otherwise pulled from, these rules go both ways. If the dominant one is having a freakout or something and absolutely everything else has been tried and nothing else works, the submissive is allowed to slap them to snap them out of it. But only after everything else has been tried.
Finally, we came up with a simple and concise rule as to what exactly for the two of us counts as abuse in our relationship.
Anything outside of sex-play that will mark the skin for more than a few hours counts as abuse, excepting a slap containing sharp fingernails. Pinching anything except nipples also counts as abuse, because it severely sets off kitten due to abuse from an ex of hers (well sort of an ex, it's complicated).
So punching and kicking and caning are all definitely abuse. Scratching her while slapping her is okay but only to be used in really severe situations. Slapping is fine so long as it isn't a really hard slap. This all goes for the reverse and is okay for her to do to me as well, whether I am D or s at the time.
I have to be clear on something. We don't use physical things for punishment almost ever - instead we do things like writing lines, being ignored for periods of time (never ever days, or really ever more than an hour or two unless severe disobedience/breaking rules), being banned from tv and/or videogames; those are what we use as punishment, not things like cropping. Cropping is sex-play, not punishment (although yes, it can indeed be Funishment). This is only for extreme situations, we're not going to be going around slapping each other over minor shit. But when nothing will get through to the other person, this is what is allowed, that is the rule for what counts as abuse.
I felt like it should be clarified here out in public so not only do we know for ourselves, but if it ever comes up in the blog, and someone says something about it, we can link them to this and go "Here, this is what we consider the guideline, this is what we consensually decided for just between ourselves as to what counts for abuse and what doesn't."
I'll write something about how life has changed recently later on, because I want this to stand alone. Ta loveys.
The reason it made me think is because I get like that. Not in the same way all the time, but even as a Dom sometimes I have panic attacks that I cannot be shaken from without a thorough slap, and I would never consider that abuse, it's the only method that works is all. As a sub sometimes I get very self-abusive and neglect myself, because of being sbused by my previous D's, and I fully agree with her reasoning as a submissive - sometimes the only way to make me wake up and stop being fucking stupid is a good slap.
So we had this discussion and had some trouble because of the double standard of whoever is dominant being allowed to hit the submissive, but not the other way around. We finally decided that since both of us have a tendency to have panic attacks that we can't be otherwise pulled from, these rules go both ways. If the dominant one is having a freakout or something and absolutely everything else has been tried and nothing else works, the submissive is allowed to slap them to snap them out of it. But only after everything else has been tried.
Finally, we came up with a simple and concise rule as to what exactly for the two of us counts as abuse in our relationship.
Anything outside of sex-play that will mark the skin for more than a few hours counts as abuse, excepting a slap containing sharp fingernails. Pinching anything except nipples also counts as abuse, because it severely sets off kitten due to abuse from an ex of hers (well sort of an ex, it's complicated).
So punching and kicking and caning are all definitely abuse. Scratching her while slapping her is okay but only to be used in really severe situations. Slapping is fine so long as it isn't a really hard slap. This all goes for the reverse and is okay for her to do to me as well, whether I am D or s at the time.
I have to be clear on something. We don't use physical things for punishment almost ever - instead we do things like writing lines, being ignored for periods of time (never ever days, or really ever more than an hour or two unless severe disobedience/breaking rules), being banned from tv and/or videogames; those are what we use as punishment, not things like cropping. Cropping is sex-play, not punishment (although yes, it can indeed be Funishment). This is only for extreme situations, we're not going to be going around slapping each other over minor shit. But when nothing will get through to the other person, this is what is allowed, that is the rule for what counts as abuse.
I felt like it should be clarified here out in public so not only do we know for ourselves, but if it ever comes up in the blog, and someone says something about it, we can link them to this and go "Here, this is what we consider the guideline, this is what we consensually decided for just between ourselves as to what counts for abuse and what doesn't."
I'll write something about how life has changed recently later on, because I want this to stand alone. Ta loveys.
Thursday, 22 May 2014
Change, change change!
Holy shit so much stuff has happened lately!
Let's see, I moved out from where I was staying, into an apartment with my mom. It's interesting. We can't really unpack much due to lack of space and storage areas. I have no dresser and the desk coming to me is taking it's sweet time because grandma is picky with bookcases and she hasn't found one she likes to replace the desk we bought from her. It's fucking frustrating living out of my bins and suitcase still but I'm slowly getting stuff settled in. I have a bookcase in my walk-in closet, as well as a lovely octagonal table/storage thing that I plan to use for an altar. (Yes, I am Pagan. Eclectic Wiccan to be precise. No, my mother has no idea of this and hopefully will never ever ever find out.) That will be going in my closet as well once I get a dresser to put my freaking clothes in. I also have a piece of gorgeous artwork (a picture printed on canvas and stretched onto a frame for easy hanging) now as well. Yay for resale shops!
I got my SSI application process started. Dr's appointments and everything out of the way. Filled out a form to join the Peer Support centre in town. Got my address changed at the Post Office and for my Food Stamps. I have AWESOMEAZING internets at my apartment, and a house phone too.
I've been put on a new Anti-Psychotic and off of saphris, and I'm not sure how much I like it but it's better than nothing although it seems to be making me a bit more depressed. Idk if that's stress or not though, could just be stress. So until I've been on it another month I wont really report it. We had to make the dosage less than what I was on the first month because of it making me really sleepy all the time which sucked. Hopefully this dose works out because we're running out of AP's that don't cause weight gain.
Uh, what else. Rachel and I are finally working out some sort of switching schedule. Not really a schedule but we're flowing back and forth more naturally than we were to begin with. Which is good. The past couple weeks I have almost exclusively been a D though but now I am luna and it's a bit of a relief because even though I willingly pushed my subbiness down so I could make Rachel study and stuff it wasn't necessarily that good for me to be so unbalanced. Wasn't for super long though so it's whatever. It is very odd typing this much with my I. With Mistress luna has no "I" even though it isn't a rule, it's just how luna is. But Mistress wants that to be something exclusively for her so outside of speaking to her I use my I even though it's weird as hell.
It's less difficult in person than it is via text, especially because I sometimes have to do writing assignments for Mistress and then it's always in third person.
Anyways Mistress had her last exam today so we will be celebrating! Looking forward to that.
Think that's about it for now! Ta, loves!
Let's see, I moved out from where I was staying, into an apartment with my mom. It's interesting. We can't really unpack much due to lack of space and storage areas. I have no dresser and the desk coming to me is taking it's sweet time because grandma is picky with bookcases and she hasn't found one she likes to replace the desk we bought from her. It's fucking frustrating living out of my bins and suitcase still but I'm slowly getting stuff settled in. I have a bookcase in my walk-in closet, as well as a lovely octagonal table/storage thing that I plan to use for an altar. (Yes, I am Pagan. Eclectic Wiccan to be precise. No, my mother has no idea of this and hopefully will never ever ever find out.) That will be going in my closet as well once I get a dresser to put my freaking clothes in. I also have a piece of gorgeous artwork (a picture printed on canvas and stretched onto a frame for easy hanging) now as well. Yay for resale shops!
I got my SSI application process started. Dr's appointments and everything out of the way. Filled out a form to join the Peer Support centre in town. Got my address changed at the Post Office and for my Food Stamps. I have AWESOMEAZING internets at my apartment, and a house phone too.
I've been put on a new Anti-Psychotic and off of saphris, and I'm not sure how much I like it but it's better than nothing although it seems to be making me a bit more depressed. Idk if that's stress or not though, could just be stress. So until I've been on it another month I wont really report it. We had to make the dosage less than what I was on the first month because of it making me really sleepy all the time which sucked. Hopefully this dose works out because we're running out of AP's that don't cause weight gain.
Uh, what else. Rachel and I are finally working out some sort of switching schedule. Not really a schedule but we're flowing back and forth more naturally than we were to begin with. Which is good. The past couple weeks I have almost exclusively been a D though but now I am luna and it's a bit of a relief because even though I willingly pushed my subbiness down so I could make Rachel study and stuff it wasn't necessarily that good for me to be so unbalanced. Wasn't for super long though so it's whatever. It is very odd typing this much with my I. With Mistress luna has no "I" even though it isn't a rule, it's just how luna is. But Mistress wants that to be something exclusively for her so outside of speaking to her I use my I even though it's weird as hell.
It's less difficult in person than it is via text, especially because I sometimes have to do writing assignments for Mistress and then it's always in third person.
Anyways Mistress had her last exam today so we will be celebrating! Looking forward to that.
Think that's about it for now! Ta, loves!
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
Sulk post
I feel so alone.
It’s probably just tiredness or depression or the fact that
I had a busy few days talking but fuck I’m alone.
What do I even do with my time when I have no lectures? I’ve
run out of internet so no Netflix, none of my games appeal to me and I can’t
keep my focus on knitting or reading. I’m just half-heartedly doing little bits
of things until I eventually slow to a halt and reflect on how fucking bored
and alone I am again.
Mari is around but she’s not really around. She’s manic and
so she is currently very focused on reading and finds it difficult to pull
herself away long enough to say two words to me. I understand this but I can’t
help my mind telling me that I'm being ignored in favour of fanfiction. I
should have other people to talk to but I don’t. I should have some kind of
drive to find other people to talk to but I don’t. Introversion is all well and
good but to be truly introverted I should be enjoying my own company and I’m just
not right now. I’m broke so I can’t go out, I can’t even make conversation with
my housemates. I'm just fucking wallowing in boredom and loneliness and it’s my
own fault because I won’t make some kind of fucking effort but I don’t even
know where to begin.
Even if Mari were to talk to me, I’m too grumpy to be
anything but sarcastic and harsh and she doesn’t deserve that. Still… this
feels worse than when she’s asexual.
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
thoughts
luna has had an up and down few days. it's difficult being so dominant and suddenly finding out that for over a year you have really just been burying your submissive side down because you were too scared to submit.
It also leads to fears of things like what if luna prefers submission to dominance, what if luna is too submissive for Mistress Rachel's needs (which is very likely since luna was trained into being a doormat, essentially, so now Mistress has to re-train her into not being so incapable of ever arguing or complaining or denying her will even if it's bad for her/luna), and what if Mistress Rachel needs to be kitten and needs luna to be Mari at a time when she is incapable of it.
luna has been seriously worrying over all of these things and more, until first, Mistress totally reassured her that she thinks how in sync we are with each other will make things balance out, second Mistress pointed out that of course the first while is going to be luna needing to be luna because she has buried all of her submissive needs for years basically, and third, luna started finishing one of her absolute favourite webcomics called Girly. she is reaching a point where (SPOILER ALERT) the "sidekick" had gotten tired of being the sidekick and let badness overtake her. The "leader" decided that if that was the case, then she would become the sidekick and let her sidekick be the leader until any point which they decided to switch back, if ever. (END SPOILER)
The ease of it, how simple and easily the transition went... really reassured luna. Mistress had said earlier that she thought she might have been getting worn out with being the sub all the time, and certainly frustrated with being unable to order luna to do things when she was being indecisive. Even as a domme, Mari is very indecisive because the whole of her life until she was about 19 she never ever had to make a single decision on her own. her father and mother decided what clothes and toys and food and films and everything else she ever owned or did. whenever she was doing things notinolving her parents or family she allowed her friends to make the decisions. and then entered a D/s relationship with someone who was not a very good D and turned abusive in the end and turned her into a doormat who couldn't think for herself until she realised she was nearing a point where she would rather kill herself than continue living that way.
Both sides of Marina, D and s, are crazy indecisive and often put off making decisions until the thought of them, even tiny ones, drives her into severe panic attacks. luna being luna means that if ever Mistress wants to make a decision for Mari, like ordering her to do something that she is putting off but has to do, she can just say "luna, do (insert here)" and luna will obey almost immediately. That is probably the only good thing about her doormat training. Rachel now has a stable way of making Marina do things she is indecisive about without having to worry about overstepping her bounds.
This is all very frightening for both parts of Marina because change is scary as hell, but slowly she is beginning to feel more and more and more like this is right.
Okay that being over with now onto the fun part of the blog.
OMIGOSH LUNA NEVER THOUGHT BEING HYPNOTISED WAS POSSIBLE.
Like, seriously. even now, even with concrete proof, she half-fears she is just somehow faking it or something without realising it. Crazy.
It was so fun though. And highly fucking arousing. luna loooooves feeling so helpless to Mistress' will and it makes luna squirmy and so incredibly wet whenever Mistress puts her under. It really makes luna want Mistress to use her and torture her and do all kinds of naughty things with her, no matter the taboo. (Well, within limits. No amount of hypnosis will make luna into toilet stuff or vomiting or being spat upon. None whatsoever. Which is all well and good because Mistress isn't into it either.) And Mistress basically like... Spent the whole of luna's day while Mistress was awake, dropping luna into and out of trance. Apparently as a submissive luna is highly suggestible. Mistress tried the trigger she inset into luna on Mari just to see if it'd work, sneaky girl, and it DID omigosh. Mari fought it but ended up dropping off, and was able to fight it less each time it was used. Kind of scary but a good scary, and very weird and totally crazy. Scary because despite fighting it Mari likes the idea of her pet having such control over her in a way even though it's hard and frightening to admit that because it means even as a domme she likes the idea of submission.
Anyhow, luna kept waking up feeling so tingly and floaty, and unless Mistress clarified totally woken up and aware, fuzzy and not sleepy but almost-drowsy. Like she had just woken up from the best nap but was still in the process of waking up.
luna would go into more detail of the hypnosis but does not have permission to make herself cum, refuses to cheat by switching to being dominant, and would be put into a state of nearly unbearable arousal if she went into more details of it.
Which is hilarious really since luna very rarely needs or wants to physically orgasm - it's a sign of what a huge thing the hypnosis is for this relationship that it can put her into such a state both doing the entrancing and being entranced.
So yeah. That's it for now, more to come in the future - hopefully the next post will be by Mari, and not luna, but who knows what the future holds!
Ta, lovies~!
~luna <3
It also leads to fears of things like what if luna prefers submission to dominance, what if luna is too submissive for Mistress Rachel's needs (which is very likely since luna was trained into being a doormat, essentially, so now Mistress has to re-train her into not being so incapable of ever arguing or complaining or denying her will even if it's bad for her/luna), and what if Mistress Rachel needs to be kitten and needs luna to be Mari at a time when she is incapable of it.
luna has been seriously worrying over all of these things and more, until first, Mistress totally reassured her that she thinks how in sync we are with each other will make things balance out, second Mistress pointed out that of course the first while is going to be luna needing to be luna because she has buried all of her submissive needs for years basically, and third, luna started finishing one of her absolute favourite webcomics called Girly. she is reaching a point where (SPOILER ALERT) the "sidekick" had gotten tired of being the sidekick and let badness overtake her. The "leader" decided that if that was the case, then she would become the sidekick and let her sidekick be the leader until any point which they decided to switch back, if ever. (END SPOILER)
The ease of it, how simple and easily the transition went... really reassured luna. Mistress had said earlier that she thought she might have been getting worn out with being the sub all the time, and certainly frustrated with being unable to order luna to do things when she was being indecisive. Even as a domme, Mari is very indecisive because the whole of her life until she was about 19 she never ever had to make a single decision on her own. her father and mother decided what clothes and toys and food and films and everything else she ever owned or did. whenever she was doing things notinolving her parents or family she allowed her friends to make the decisions. and then entered a D/s relationship with someone who was not a very good D and turned abusive in the end and turned her into a doormat who couldn't think for herself until she realised she was nearing a point where she would rather kill herself than continue living that way.
Both sides of Marina, D and s, are crazy indecisive and often put off making decisions until the thought of them, even tiny ones, drives her into severe panic attacks. luna being luna means that if ever Mistress wants to make a decision for Mari, like ordering her to do something that she is putting off but has to do, she can just say "luna, do (insert here)" and luna will obey almost immediately. That is probably the only good thing about her doormat training. Rachel now has a stable way of making Marina do things she is indecisive about without having to worry about overstepping her bounds.
This is all very frightening for both parts of Marina because change is scary as hell, but slowly she is beginning to feel more and more and more like this is right.
Okay that being over with now onto the fun part of the blog.
OMIGOSH LUNA NEVER THOUGHT BEING HYPNOTISED WAS POSSIBLE.
Like, seriously. even now, even with concrete proof, she half-fears she is just somehow faking it or something without realising it. Crazy.
It was so fun though. And highly fucking arousing. luna loooooves feeling so helpless to Mistress' will and it makes luna squirmy and so incredibly wet whenever Mistress puts her under. It really makes luna want Mistress to use her and torture her and do all kinds of naughty things with her, no matter the taboo. (Well, within limits. No amount of hypnosis will make luna into toilet stuff or vomiting or being spat upon. None whatsoever. Which is all well and good because Mistress isn't into it either.) And Mistress basically like... Spent the whole of luna's day while Mistress was awake, dropping luna into and out of trance. Apparently as a submissive luna is highly suggestible. Mistress tried the trigger she inset into luna on Mari just to see if it'd work, sneaky girl, and it DID omigosh. Mari fought it but ended up dropping off, and was able to fight it less each time it was used. Kind of scary but a good scary, and very weird and totally crazy. Scary because despite fighting it Mari likes the idea of her pet having such control over her in a way even though it's hard and frightening to admit that because it means even as a domme she likes the idea of submission.
Anyhow, luna kept waking up feeling so tingly and floaty, and unless Mistress clarified totally woken up and aware, fuzzy and not sleepy but almost-drowsy. Like she had just woken up from the best nap but was still in the process of waking up.
luna would go into more detail of the hypnosis but does not have permission to make herself cum, refuses to cheat by switching to being dominant, and would be put into a state of nearly unbearable arousal if she went into more details of it.
Which is hilarious really since luna very rarely needs or wants to physically orgasm - it's a sign of what a huge thing the hypnosis is for this relationship that it can put her into such a state both doing the entrancing and being entranced.
So yeah. That's it for now, more to come in the future - hopefully the next post will be by Mari, and not luna, but who knows what the future holds!
Ta, lovies~!
~luna <3
Oh snap (ft. lists)
Massive things to talk about here people.
MASSIVE THING NUMBER ONE
Ok so for most of the last three days I have been in the position of Mistress. One tiny awesome thing about that is being called by my birth name, because although Mari had her reasons it was a little sad for me that she never used 'Rachel'. Now the bigger awesome things are:
MASSIVE THING NUMBER ONE
Ok so for most of the last three days I have been in the position of Mistress. One tiny awesome thing about that is being called by my birth name, because although Mari had her reasons it was a little sad for me that she never used 'Rachel'. Now the bigger awesome things are:
- I got to find out what a damn good Domme I can be
- I got to fulfil more of Mari/luna's fantasies
- I feel less bad about the times where I feel the need to give luna orders for her own good
These last few days have been fucking incredible and really fucking hard too. We've had fun and been so happy and comfortable with each other in these new roles but there have also been a few difficult moments. We both had a few worries to be worked out like whether this was really the best thing for our relationship or whether we'll be able to take care of each others needs well enough. We both agree though that this felt too right for us to just stop for baseless fears. A few times over the last few days I have needed to be submissive again and we switched back effortlessly, although one of those times I didn't really need to be submissive I just needed luna to comfort me but I couldn't recognise that. This is a learning experience for us both and I'm absolutely certain that we can deal with any issues that arise. I know that luna has had very bad experiences in relationships where she has acted as the submissive, but those times the relationship was over or practically over by this point. Also, I am fairly certain I'm one of her more stable partners >.>
I'm so proud of the name I came up with for my pet, luna, it is perfect for several reasons:
- All this stuff began under the light of a full moon
- luna has a particular affinity for the moon
- Princess Luna is best pony
- Fuck yeah Luna Lovegood
I've been kinda drunk on power, I get to call her stuff and order her around and I feel like a kid in a sweet shop because there's so much I can do now and it makes luna seem a lot more settled. I'm so glad that she's gotten to express this side of her because I often wondered how burying it was affecting her, even though at first I didn't want to see her be submissive for my own selfish reasons.
PRACTICALLY BROBDINGNAGIAN THING NUMBER TWO
Gods I have always wanted to use that word.
I SPENT MOST OF THIS EVENING HYPNOTISING LUNA
I know she's mentioned before that she thought I was a good subject but FUCK if I'm good she is nigh on perfect. In just a couple of hours she has:
- Gone really super deep
- Taken suggestions to take to hypnosis more easily
- Been in a light trance while interacting with others, AND LIKE AN ACTUAL VISITOR NOT JUST FAMILY
- Been able to forget things said in trance
- Taken on a trance trigger
And my attempt at hypnotising yesterday was the first time I ever hypnotised anyone so yeah she is a damn good suggestible girl holy shit. At one point I left her to take herself deeper, got back and she didn't even know where she was and would take anything I said as gospel. It was beautiful.
A post about my life in general will probably come soon but this is it for now.
Saturday, 15 March 2014
Okay, so, LOTS of news here.
First off, let's get the vanilla things out of the way. Moved in with grandparents proper, in their spare bedroom, mom is sleeping on the bed in the den. The camper will soon be not working out due to heat issues (the AC only works with the roof uncovered, alas; it is spring and thus rain is an ever present threat, which means links will be sprung and tarp must stay on.) and before we had so many cold spells that even our nice big new heater couldn't handle it. It's very stressful but I have handled it a lot better than expected.
My ex-roommate is sending some of my things to me which will help considerably. I miss my stuff.
My counsellor is super pleased with my progress and suggested a new step in therapy: peer support centre. There is one in the town that I live in and it is relatively close by and SETHRA (the pseudo-bus system) can pick me up and take me down there for only a dollar since it is in town, if my grandma can't take me. I'll be looking into it soonish I hope.
The above moving thing is part of why I haven't written anything lately, stress out the wazoo. I went semi-aysec for a while as well and that always makes blogging difficult.
I HAVE LOST A WHOLE LOT OF WEIGHT. And yet my tits continue to grow. /lesigh On the one hand I love large breasts, and having them, but on the other the bigger my boobs are the harder crossdressing is. :/ Maxie has the same problem.
OK NOW. Explanation for the below. Maxie is technically kitten's pet-name, and kitten is her position as well as another pet name. Her birth name is Rachel, and she has no problems with the name whatsoever, but I have never felt right using it for many reasons none of which will probably ever be written here.
Onto the D/s part of our relationship now.
As I have written about before I am sure (if not, oh well) I am a switch. Most of the time I am definitely Dominant but I have moments of extreme submission - usually following emotional crises. When I have a severe panic attack out of nowhere, or when I am feeling incredibly insecure and incompetent and things of that nature, I either get submissive after or am submissive during those times. There are other situations, but those are the big ones.
The thing is, the person who used to Dom me is really pretty vanilla outside of obviously the domination thing (which he's more of a daddy-dom anyways and not super dominant anyhow) and a size kink. And lately when we mess around it's more of a he just needs to get off and I am his best friend and always willing to help him because we have had our weird relationship for over ten years now.
I have severe trust issues. There are basically only two people I trust now to really dominate me - well kind of three but me and that person don't really mess around, it's complicated - and... one of those people is Maxie.
It might seem odd to some who read this but I know to others it will make perfect sense. Especially taking into consideration the hypnosis aspect of our relationship. I trust her more than I trust any person on this earth. I have always known she was a switch but previous subs of mine did not want to see any part of that side of me and preferred to pretend it didn't exist...
Well one night this past week I was really loopy from not sleeping enough and such and finally confessed to her that I'd really like to at least try her dominating me sexually some day. We're already switchy outside of sex - I am bipolar and have social anxiety/phobia and tourettes and a general muleheadedness about taking medicine for panic attacks until I am already in one so she has permission carte blanche to order me to take my damned xanax already.
She said I had already said something along the lines and I clarified: I didn't want to pressure her, but I really really really wanted to try switching during sex at least once.
We decided that if it happened naturally we'd try it and see how it went; if it screwed up the rest of the dynamic then no more. If it didn't - well we'd officially become a switchy couple with me the Mistress most of time but kitten the Mistress at other times when she or I needed it.
I had one of the aforementioned panic attacks earlier, and kitten noticed pretty soon afterwards that I was in a pretty out of it state of mind and correctly read it as me being submissive and scared shitless despite my medicine.
So she took charge. And in the perfect way. And we had mind-blowing sex (well through text and on call but fucking still holy shit) not just once but twice. Both of us agreed that it was definitely not going to be a one time thing. We also decided that me calling her kitten and her calling me Mistress had been pretty kinky but it wouldn't suffice for permanent. I am now her luna and she is my Mistress Rachel. We decided since I never ever use her birth name but she actually likes it (unlike me where I can't fucking stand mine), it was the best possible solution. Trying it out led to the second instance of sex.
So, there will be two new tags in this blog now, and the "Mistress" tag is basically getting retired, kitten (or me, after the fact) will tag her posts Mistress Mari if they have to do with me, and luna will tag her posts Mistress Rachel if they have to do with her.
So, um.... yeah. Kinda crazy, but the really awesomeazing kind of crazy and things went so much better than they could have and I really think we definitely made the right decision doing this. Hopefully she will write a post tomorrow or sometime soon about her thoughts.
(Also holy fuck is she a damn good Domme. *_*)
~Mari <3
My ex-roommate is sending some of my things to me which will help considerably. I miss my stuff.
My counsellor is super pleased with my progress and suggested a new step in therapy: peer support centre. There is one in the town that I live in and it is relatively close by and SETHRA (the pseudo-bus system) can pick me up and take me down there for only a dollar since it is in town, if my grandma can't take me. I'll be looking into it soonish I hope.
The above moving thing is part of why I haven't written anything lately, stress out the wazoo. I went semi-aysec for a while as well and that always makes blogging difficult.
I HAVE LOST A WHOLE LOT OF WEIGHT. And yet my tits continue to grow. /lesigh On the one hand I love large breasts, and having them, but on the other the bigger my boobs are the harder crossdressing is. :/ Maxie has the same problem.
OK NOW. Explanation for the below. Maxie is technically kitten's pet-name, and kitten is her position as well as another pet name. Her birth name is Rachel, and she has no problems with the name whatsoever, but I have never felt right using it for many reasons none of which will probably ever be written here.
Onto the D/s part of our relationship now.
As I have written about before I am sure (if not, oh well) I am a switch. Most of the time I am definitely Dominant but I have moments of extreme submission - usually following emotional crises. When I have a severe panic attack out of nowhere, or when I am feeling incredibly insecure and incompetent and things of that nature, I either get submissive after or am submissive during those times. There are other situations, but those are the big ones.
The thing is, the person who used to Dom me is really pretty vanilla outside of obviously the domination thing (which he's more of a daddy-dom anyways and not super dominant anyhow) and a size kink. And lately when we mess around it's more of a he just needs to get off and I am his best friend and always willing to help him because we have had our weird relationship for over ten years now.
I have severe trust issues. There are basically only two people I trust now to really dominate me - well kind of three but me and that person don't really mess around, it's complicated - and... one of those people is Maxie.
It might seem odd to some who read this but I know to others it will make perfect sense. Especially taking into consideration the hypnosis aspect of our relationship. I trust her more than I trust any person on this earth. I have always known she was a switch but previous subs of mine did not want to see any part of that side of me and preferred to pretend it didn't exist...
Well one night this past week I was really loopy from not sleeping enough and such and finally confessed to her that I'd really like to at least try her dominating me sexually some day. We're already switchy outside of sex - I am bipolar and have social anxiety/phobia and tourettes and a general muleheadedness about taking medicine for panic attacks until I am already in one so she has permission carte blanche to order me to take my damned xanax already.
She said I had already said something along the lines and I clarified: I didn't want to pressure her, but I really really really wanted to try switching during sex at least once.
We decided that if it happened naturally we'd try it and see how it went; if it screwed up the rest of the dynamic then no more. If it didn't - well we'd officially become a switchy couple with me the Mistress most of time but kitten the Mistress at other times when she or I needed it.
I had one of the aforementioned panic attacks earlier, and kitten noticed pretty soon afterwards that I was in a pretty out of it state of mind and correctly read it as me being submissive and scared shitless despite my medicine.
So she took charge. And in the perfect way. And we had mind-blowing sex (well through text and on call but fucking still holy shit) not just once but twice. Both of us agreed that it was definitely not going to be a one time thing. We also decided that me calling her kitten and her calling me Mistress had been pretty kinky but it wouldn't suffice for permanent. I am now her luna and she is my Mistress Rachel. We decided since I never ever use her birth name but she actually likes it (unlike me where I can't fucking stand mine), it was the best possible solution. Trying it out led to the second instance of sex.
So, there will be two new tags in this blog now, and the "Mistress" tag is basically getting retired, kitten (or me, after the fact) will tag her posts Mistress Mari if they have to do with me, and luna will tag her posts Mistress Rachel if they have to do with her.
So, um.... yeah. Kinda crazy, but the really awesomeazing kind of crazy and things went so much better than they could have and I really think we definitely made the right decision doing this. Hopefully she will write a post tomorrow or sometime soon about her thoughts.
(Also holy fuck is she a damn good Domme. *_*)
~Mari <3
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