See, neither kitten nor myself wish for a doormat. I want kitten to still be the little spitfire she can be, I want kitten to still be able to tell me to fuck off when need be and to be able to stand up for herself around others. Including other Dom/mes. But kitten pointed out to me recently, as in today, that she was worried because I was increasing her submission and obedience in general - was worried that she would start being like that for everyone.
Suddenly, I realised, oh, duh. My kitten doesn't want to submit to everyone. My kitten only wants to submit to me. So I promised her from then on I would clarify that she was to deepen her obedience and submission to me.
There had been plans made for a session tonight that got interrupted by forgotten family plans, which was understood. And the proper session I had in mind just wasn't possible when, after taking a "short" nap, it turned out it had been five hours passed and I had slept through alarm. So instead we "settled" (because sessions and maulings are equally enjoyed, just differently so) for sex. And more sex. And suddenly something happened and I put her under.
It was quite unexpected. Quite as in incredibly, very much, out of the ballpark, unexpected. I found myself feeling much more confident as I took her deeper, as I ordered her to submit and obey and as she, immediately, became completely receptive to my commands when I added "to Mistress" and "to me" to the end of them.
To me it felt as if instead of saying "Yes" acceptingly and willingly like she had before, she was screaming "YES! FINALLY!" and embracing it with her whole being.
It felt right. And I took her deeper. And deeper. And deeper. And she became more and more receptive, more and more willing, more and more eager. Especially as I clarified even more, that her submission to me would not hold her back - it would make her more confident, more driven, more powerful in her daily life.
The session ended with both of us feeling so much better. I found out (I cannot help but brag about this) that she came physically without having to use an outside hypnosis video, which is such a rare and precious and wonderful thing to me. She told me she felt calm. Settled. Stable, even. It ended with me having for the first time experienced topspace and feeling so damn confident and right that it was almost scary! I also experienced a very short topdrop which she helped me through and was quickly back to my normal weird self.
I lamented not having put the usual trigger of thinking of me and then suggested I put her to bed since it was half 2 in the morning there. We decided together that it would be a voice session this time, and I put her to sleep and instilled the trigger of thinking of me and then made it so that the trigger would strengthen with each use. Making her calm, relaxed, happy. Submissive to me, obedient to me, open to my will. Cause all negative emotions to just roll over her, crash against her and piddle away as if they were nothing. Bad choice of words, that, I meant to say dissipate but couldn't find the word and decided on a slang definition of piddle to be a suitable substitution for the time being.
Of course this will never be complete. The trigger works but it cannot magically fix everything.
But I have so much more hope than before and that seems impossible because I had a FUCKTON of hope before now. I just feel so concretely secure that things will be better for both of us now. Maybe it's false hope. Maybe I'm just being weird. Idek. I feel like we have gotten past a block somehow that neither of us really knew was there, and I am hoping and praying that what I feel is right and that this helps because the more she submits to me the happier she seems to get and all I want is my kitten to be happy.
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