My living situation is wearing away at me. I feel so tired out and frustrated.
Right now I am living in the same room as my mother. I have another room being built for me and it is SO close to being done. It could realistically be finished in one day if the person building it would just get up and finish the damn thing. But he's going about it so fucking slow that it's making me pissed off and frustrated.
Having some experience with this sort of thing and knowing how fucking close it is to being finished, and watching as nothing gets done...
It's driving me batty.
I'm okay right now, but my thoughts are more and more often going to my room. When will it be done, why isn't it already done, please don't take longer than a week more please. Their daughter is coming to visit with family for a few weeks next week, and if my room isn't done by then it likely wont be done until she leaves and there is just no way in hell I can stand living in this cluttered, cramped room for that much longer.
I am already crazy but that will drive me completely fucking insane. I am already at my limit and barely hanging on to my sanity. I need to be able to be alone, truly alone. I need to be able to breathe. I need to be able to lock my door and say "I am home, finally".
In more uplifting news, I has a kitten! Or I will once my room is done and we can afford some flea killer, kitty litter, and a litterbox. Our landlord got a new cute kitten and the timing was pretty.. well. It was too much to be coincidence, let's just say that. Her name is Delilah and she is the prettiest little tortiseshell kitten. Basically I have permission to keep any of the cats they own in my room, so she will be in my room a lot. She is super friendly and very much a shouldercat. I'm really looking forward to having a pet to stay in my room with me part of the time.
I'd keep her all the time but I'm not that mean, she's a sweetheart and everyone loves her so I'll only keep her in my room in the early morning when everyone else is asleep.
Anyways just an update from this falling apart laptop. I've gotten a good way to keep it useable for now but who knows how long it'll last.
Wednesday, 24 July 2013
Tuesday, 16 July 2013
Sigh
This is getting difficult.
Not blogging, just everything in general dealing with technology.
I haven't written lately cos I've been working on a story that is getting exceedingly difficult to write in many ways. I know where I want to take it but for some reason I'm struggling to get there.
Worse yet, this piece of crap computer I am using has just broken - again. Now the screen doesn't stay in one place, it just swings forwards or backwards on it's hinges.
It's been doing that a little for a while but usually I manage to get it to stay in one place for a while, just moving around drastically (such as picking up or setting down) the laptop would make the screen either flop forward or fall backwards.
Now, however, it doesn't stay at all. I'm trying a trick with some medical tape (have no duct tape, or any other kind of tape really) and superglue to see if I can get the screen to stay in one place, but so far it's looking like it won't work. I don't know what to do. The screen is literally being held in place now by a can of peaches and a pile of books. -sighs-
So yeah, if I poof for a while it's because I basically have no laptop any more that can be easily used. I'll try to do posting by email but my phone is a pain and a half to try freaking communicating on via text. Plus despite progress on my room (All that needs done is the covers for the outlets, the ceiling fan, the toilet, the mirror, the tiling around the tub (80% done), and the sink part of the vanity.) it'll probably just be me being all grr anyways and no one wants to listen to that.
So yeah, ttyl.
Not blogging, just everything in general dealing with technology.
I haven't written lately cos I've been working on a story that is getting exceedingly difficult to write in many ways. I know where I want to take it but for some reason I'm struggling to get there.
Worse yet, this piece of crap computer I am using has just broken - again. Now the screen doesn't stay in one place, it just swings forwards or backwards on it's hinges.
It's been doing that a little for a while but usually I manage to get it to stay in one place for a while, just moving around drastically (such as picking up or setting down) the laptop would make the screen either flop forward or fall backwards.
Now, however, it doesn't stay at all. I'm trying a trick with some medical tape (have no duct tape, or any other kind of tape really) and superglue to see if I can get the screen to stay in one place, but so far it's looking like it won't work. I don't know what to do. The screen is literally being held in place now by a can of peaches and a pile of books. -sighs-
So yeah, if I poof for a while it's because I basically have no laptop any more that can be easily used. I'll try to do posting by email but my phone is a pain and a half to try freaking communicating on via text. Plus despite progress on my room (All that needs done is the covers for the outlets, the ceiling fan, the toilet, the mirror, the tiling around the tub (80% done), and the sink part of the vanity.) it'll probably just be me being all grr anyways and no one wants to listen to that.
So yeah, ttyl.
Wednesday, 3 July 2013
Because a post from me is slightly overdue.
I have no idea what to say but this blog is becoming slightly unbalanced in terms of mine and Mistress' posts and that isn't fair so here we go.
If my life were to have one running theme it would be that there's always something wrong but it's never quite enough to deserve any help. I could be a little autistic, I could have mild cerebral palsy, I could be slightly dyslexic, I have some leg problems, I might be depressed, I have a possible phobia. etc. etc.
Looking at each thing one at a time they wouldn't cause me much of a problem, which is of course what the doctors do. But they all add up and they're making things very difficult for me. Right now my main focus is the phobia I mentioned. One of the biggest problems with it is that it's a needle phobia, very very very common and very often blown out of proportion by countless people. I can't tell you how many times I've had to hear people talk about their "phobia" how they "can't look" and sometimes they have to "hold someone's hand". The last time I had to have an injection? I was in school and waited until the nurses were distracted, ran off and hid in a mostly abandoned toilet block crying for a few hours until I was found, taken to a special room, left to cry in there for a while until everyone else was done and they then spent an hour trying to convince me to even sit down in a chair next to a nurse.
You might think a reaction like that would suggest I deserved some help. I certainly do.
Now, I'm trying very hard not to be negative about this, but after almost a year of pushing, this is all I've managed to get. I was offered access to an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) course in order to try to make some progress. Keeping in mind I sought help because I was offered a trip to NEPAL and was being held back by my phobia, I'm sure you can understand my disappointment. That trip to Nepal was about three months ago, it was apparently fun.
I am only at my second session and it is still in the basics which, having studied phobias and anxiety disorders for 2 years, is very boring and demotivating. I'm finding it difficult to see how it will help and then there's a part of me saying that I'm not finding it helpful because once again, my problems aren't bad enough to need help.
I'm not going to give up on this program because even if it turned out to be useless all the way through to the end, at least I can tell the doctors I tried. Sooner or later they'll have to do something because both me and Mistress can see my health being at risk due to this. It's looking increasingly likely that I have a thyroid disorder, take a guess how they test for those.
So right now I'm feeling skeptical and a little let down. I'll keep on with this course and put as much effort into it as I would any other therapy I had been offered in the hope that it helps. I will probably write a few posts about it to try and keep myself thinking rationally and hopefully more positive.
//EDIT
I forgot there was more. This online program came with a bunch of questionnaires at the start to get an idea of my problems. I ranked high for depression, social anxiety, generalised anxiety and specific anxiety, all of which are having a noticeable effect on my social, work and home life. And yet, if I said any of that to a doctor, I bet all of my savings that I'd leave their office with nothing but a few leaflets. The NHS ladies and gentlemen, you get what you pay for.
If my life were to have one running theme it would be that there's always something wrong but it's never quite enough to deserve any help. I could be a little autistic, I could have mild cerebral palsy, I could be slightly dyslexic, I have some leg problems, I might be depressed, I have a possible phobia. etc. etc.
Looking at each thing one at a time they wouldn't cause me much of a problem, which is of course what the doctors do. But they all add up and they're making things very difficult for me. Right now my main focus is the phobia I mentioned. One of the biggest problems with it is that it's a needle phobia, very very very common and very often blown out of proportion by countless people. I can't tell you how many times I've had to hear people talk about their "phobia" how they "can't look" and sometimes they have to "hold someone's hand". The last time I had to have an injection? I was in school and waited until the nurses were distracted, ran off and hid in a mostly abandoned toilet block crying for a few hours until I was found, taken to a special room, left to cry in there for a while until everyone else was done and they then spent an hour trying to convince me to even sit down in a chair next to a nurse.
You might think a reaction like that would suggest I deserved some help. I certainly do.
Now, I'm trying very hard not to be negative about this, but after almost a year of pushing, this is all I've managed to get. I was offered access to an online Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) course in order to try to make some progress. Keeping in mind I sought help because I was offered a trip to NEPAL and was being held back by my phobia, I'm sure you can understand my disappointment. That trip to Nepal was about three months ago, it was apparently fun.
I am only at my second session and it is still in the basics which, having studied phobias and anxiety disorders for 2 years, is very boring and demotivating. I'm finding it difficult to see how it will help and then there's a part of me saying that I'm not finding it helpful because once again, my problems aren't bad enough to need help.
I'm not going to give up on this program because even if it turned out to be useless all the way through to the end, at least I can tell the doctors I tried. Sooner or later they'll have to do something because both me and Mistress can see my health being at risk due to this. It's looking increasingly likely that I have a thyroid disorder, take a guess how they test for those.
So right now I'm feeling skeptical and a little let down. I'll keep on with this course and put as much effort into it as I would any other therapy I had been offered in the hope that it helps. I will probably write a few posts about it to try and keep myself thinking rationally and hopefully more positive.
//EDIT
I forgot there was more. This online program came with a bunch of questionnaires at the start to get an idea of my problems. I ranked high for depression, social anxiety, generalised anxiety and specific anxiety, all of which are having a noticeable effect on my social, work and home life. And yet, if I said any of that to a doctor, I bet all of my savings that I'd leave their office with nothing but a few leaflets. The NHS ladies and gentlemen, you get what you pay for.
Aaaand it's time for your (ir)regularly scheduled appointment update.
Due to me being dumb I scheduled my appointment later than I should have so I had my appointment a week later than I should have. Sok though. next appt is four weeks from yesterday and we intend so far on continuing once monthly appointments.
I haven't yet had the courage to bring ssi up to my doctor... mostly cos I'm scared of her reaction. What if she thinks the fact that I'm levelling out means I'll be able to work normally (it won't) and that I won't qualify? Every time I get close to asking about it I freak out.
Anyhow appointment overall went good. I'm gaining weight but that could just be due to irregular eating, not eating as healthily, and being stuck in this fucking room, ugh. Both of the mood stabilising medicines she has me on are shown to be weight-neutral. As in they don't make you gain weight, which is a common trait of most mood stabilisers.
I've been struggling badly with mania on and off the past what, two weeks? week and a half?
Yeah, yeah, I know "Wait, isn't mania great?"
No. No it fucking isn't.
In it's own way mania is just as bad as depression. For sure it's a helluva lot more dangerous with the exception of suicidal depression and then it's a tie.
Wanna know why?
Because nothing bothers you, and nothing can go wrong. Whereas depression I don't eat or shower or get up out of bed because I don't have the will to do so, when I'm actually manic (not hypomanic, which is far more common, or mixed state which is my natural state) I just don't give any fucks.
Forget to eat? Oh well it's okay I don't really need to eat that badly. Sleep? Pah, who needs it! I'm fine on three hours a night, if that. What's that? Have I been drinking water? Oh well.. I'll do it later.
Being in a perpetually positive mood is fucking dangerous especially when mixed with a feeling of basically being invincible and nothing being able to hurt you, you can live through anything so it doesn't matter. I very rarely get voices or psychoses (such as the urge to try to fly off a twenty story building...) thank fuck, but it has happened in the past.
Then there's the agitation. When I am manic I get agitated easily. I get aggravated easily. I get so fucking pissed off that I just want to punch people in the fucking face.
Over the tiniest things.
Nothing.
It's horrible.
Add in racing thoughts, completely being unable to focus on anything, a genuine inability to sleep long, and being in such an overall good mood that I think I don't need my medicine...
Not good.
So I talked to my doctor about it and she suggested I get a medicine tray and set a timer/alarm for a couple hours after I wake up to make sure to check the tray. She also suggested that instead of taking my gabapentin three times a day I take one in the morning and then two at night, so I don't have to worry about forgetting my afternoon dose. She also doubled the dosage because even when I'm on my medicine I'm still having some problems with not eating well and agitation and racing thoughts and then the mood swings and jumping back and forth between mania and depression multiple times daily and sometimes multiple times hourly.. yeah.
So anyhow she doubled my dose instead of putting me on something else, since this is working spectacularly.
She asked if I needed more of my alprazolam and I truthfully told her no. with how much less often I am taking it (not even one pill every day) I have plenty enough for a month. In fact when I got home (after taking two to calm me down from the positively foul mood I was in due to my mother), I counted my alprazolam and found I had... thirty! hahaha.
So yeah. We're both pleased with my progress, especially on the tourettes level. It has been two months since I pulled my hair out! And one month since I had a bad episode with lots of scratching. That isn't to say I haven't had scratching episodes, but they haven't lasted long or been severe thanks to the alprazolam.
Overall despite the ongoing problems with mania I feel better. To be honest the idea of being "fixed" is scary. I literally, went from being so depressed that I was in a state of total and complete apathy and had no genuine emotion whatsoever, to bein' "wham bam bpiolar here you go thank you ma'am." I have never in my memory had a single day where I was not either manic, depressed, or a mixture of both. I have never not had rapid mood swings. I don't know who I am without it...
I am being pleasantly surprised. Nothing about me at the core is changing. And the non-core changes have all been good. I'm able to concentrate better, I'm not constantly in a state of panic, the paranoia is SEVERELY cut down - still there, but at that level of me being able to ignore it if I know it's not reasonable. I'm writing again which is a feat in and of itself. I used to have so many traumas associated with writing that it was nigh-on impossible for me to write more than a couple times a year.
So even though I'm still scared, still worried... I'm doin pretty okay right now. :) I'm less worried than I thought I'd be. Becauase maybe who I am isn't the bad person I've always made myself out to be.
I haven't yet had the courage to bring ssi up to my doctor... mostly cos I'm scared of her reaction. What if she thinks the fact that I'm levelling out means I'll be able to work normally (it won't) and that I won't qualify? Every time I get close to asking about it I freak out.
Anyhow appointment overall went good. I'm gaining weight but that could just be due to irregular eating, not eating as healthily, and being stuck in this fucking room, ugh. Both of the mood stabilising medicines she has me on are shown to be weight-neutral. As in they don't make you gain weight, which is a common trait of most mood stabilisers.
I've been struggling badly with mania on and off the past what, two weeks? week and a half?
Yeah, yeah, I know "Wait, isn't mania great?"
No. No it fucking isn't.
In it's own way mania is just as bad as depression. For sure it's a helluva lot more dangerous with the exception of suicidal depression and then it's a tie.
Wanna know why?
Because nothing bothers you, and nothing can go wrong. Whereas depression I don't eat or shower or get up out of bed because I don't have the will to do so, when I'm actually manic (not hypomanic, which is far more common, or mixed state which is my natural state) I just don't give any fucks.
Forget to eat? Oh well it's okay I don't really need to eat that badly. Sleep? Pah, who needs it! I'm fine on three hours a night, if that. What's that? Have I been drinking water? Oh well.. I'll do it later.
Being in a perpetually positive mood is fucking dangerous especially when mixed with a feeling of basically being invincible and nothing being able to hurt you, you can live through anything so it doesn't matter. I very rarely get voices or psychoses (such as the urge to try to fly off a twenty story building...) thank fuck, but it has happened in the past.
Then there's the agitation. When I am manic I get agitated easily. I get aggravated easily. I get so fucking pissed off that I just want to punch people in the fucking face.
Over the tiniest things.
Nothing.
It's horrible.
Add in racing thoughts, completely being unable to focus on anything, a genuine inability to sleep long, and being in such an overall good mood that I think I don't need my medicine...
Not good.
So I talked to my doctor about it and she suggested I get a medicine tray and set a timer/alarm for a couple hours after I wake up to make sure to check the tray. She also suggested that instead of taking my gabapentin three times a day I take one in the morning and then two at night, so I don't have to worry about forgetting my afternoon dose. She also doubled the dosage because even when I'm on my medicine I'm still having some problems with not eating well and agitation and racing thoughts and then the mood swings and jumping back and forth between mania and depression multiple times daily and sometimes multiple times hourly.. yeah.
So anyhow she doubled my dose instead of putting me on something else, since this is working spectacularly.
She asked if I needed more of my alprazolam and I truthfully told her no. with how much less often I am taking it (not even one pill every day) I have plenty enough for a month. In fact when I got home (after taking two to calm me down from the positively foul mood I was in due to my mother), I counted my alprazolam and found I had... thirty! hahaha.
So yeah. We're both pleased with my progress, especially on the tourettes level. It has been two months since I pulled my hair out! And one month since I had a bad episode with lots of scratching. That isn't to say I haven't had scratching episodes, but they haven't lasted long or been severe thanks to the alprazolam.
Overall despite the ongoing problems with mania I feel better. To be honest the idea of being "fixed" is scary. I literally, went from being so depressed that I was in a state of total and complete apathy and had no genuine emotion whatsoever, to bein' "wham bam bpiolar here you go thank you ma'am." I have never in my memory had a single day where I was not either manic, depressed, or a mixture of both. I have never not had rapid mood swings. I don't know who I am without it...
I am being pleasantly surprised. Nothing about me at the core is changing. And the non-core changes have all been good. I'm able to concentrate better, I'm not constantly in a state of panic, the paranoia is SEVERELY cut down - still there, but at that level of me being able to ignore it if I know it's not reasonable. I'm writing again which is a feat in and of itself. I used to have so many traumas associated with writing that it was nigh-on impossible for me to write more than a couple times a year.
So even though I'm still scared, still worried... I'm doin pretty okay right now. :) I'm less worried than I thought I'd be. Becauase maybe who I am isn't the bad person I've always made myself out to be.
Monday, 1 July 2013
My first story on here, I suppose.
I'm aching to write something creative about my kitten and I. So, I think it shall be done here, in this place. I usually write in third person when writing creatively but tonight is just a first person kinda night.
Just in case it isn't clear, in this little bit of fiction kitten has been listening to a hypnosis recording I made for her and just finishing it as I enter the room. When spoken or written by me in a certain context, "Entrance" is a trigger that will, as it implies, pull her into a trance. It can also be used to triple her depth at the end of my recordings, and keep her from waking from a trance. We have actually been using this trigger for quite some time now.
Similarly, "Awaken" wakes her up; said once it awakens her into a light trance, said twice it awakens her completely. As with Entrance, we have been using this trigger for quite a while.
It should also be said that whilst in trance, kitten is not completely lacking any willpower of her own. If I ask her to do something she is not subconsciously open to doing, able to do, or wanting to do, she will not do it. Even if she is so deep she cannot manage to speak a single word.
Oh yeah, also, duh. This is fiction. And, just in case it wasn't already clear... This will get very NSFW, y'all.
---
As I walk into the bedroom, she is waiting for me. Eyes half open, earphones in her ears, her phone held loosely in one hand as she lays against the numerous pillows on the bed, lost in a world of my making. The moment I see her, deep and waiting for my touch, the rest of the room around me ceases to exist. There is no plush carpeting, for I walk on air. The black vanity and soft forest green lounge do not exist because they are not the bed.
As I touch the moss green canopy of my large bed she blinks, turning towards me. Upon seeing me she begins to awaken, but I immediately put a stop to that, sliding behind her and pulling her into my lap, biting her shoulder, then pulling out her earphones and whispering into her ear the trigger that will take her deeper, pull her under again faster, and leave her helpless to my will.
"Entrance."
Her body sags against mine, and I cannot help but purr, stroking one hand down her arm, my hand cupping hers as my thumb drags circles around her palm - circles and spirals being one of our time-tested ways of dragging her deeper and deeper and deeper. After I place her phone on the nightstand, I speak again, my voice soft and low from strictly controlled desire.
"Deeper, kitten. Let my touch take you deeper, let my voice take you deeper, go further than you have ever been into your wonderful state of blissful entrancement... How do you feel right now, precious?"
The answer is not immediate, as she struggles to gain her senses enough to speak. "Mnhh.. g-good, Mistress."
I pause, pleased with her response, as I lick over the edge of her ear, gently dragging my teeth over the skin before beginning to kiss softly down her neck. "Would kitten like Mistress to make her feel even better?"
Again, her answer is not immediate, but eventually words are whimpered out, between a soft panting gasp and a soft moan, the only things that outwardly show her arousal, although from experience I know that she must be soaked beyond belief. "Nnnyesss Mistress, please..."
Today is a day for her. I get much pleasure from having her in trance, so malleable to my will. But it must be said that there is not a lot of participating that kitten can manage, whilst in the deepest depths of trance. And to be frank that is fine with me. She is, for a time, helpless to my will, and the fact that she trusts me so while in that state is a thrill and delight, and I work hard to never make her trust misplaced.
That being said, today is still a day for her. I will not be focusing on pleasuring myself, but on bringing my kitten to new heights of pleasure she has yet to experience. Pushing the limits on what she can get pleasure from, and deepening the effectiveness of the trigger I have inset that allows her to cum on command.
"Arms up, kitten."
She does as told, and I pull her shirt off of her, tossing it into the laundry basket before unclasping her bra, sliding it from her body, and tossing it into the basket as well. Then I push her arms down to lay on my thighs as I gently lift her hips up, pushing her jeans down her hips before pulling them off fully. I leave her undwear on, after stroking her crotch softly to reassure myself of it's dampness. "Damp" does not even begin to cover how wet she is, and I smirk, moving my arms around her and pulling her closer to me as my hands cup her breasts softly.
My thumbs begin to spiral around her nipples as I hold her heavy breasts in my palms, and I begin to guide her with my voice again. "There's a good girl, precious. That's it. Relax into me... I know you are aroused beyond belief.. but it can go further, kitten. I want you to relax... and close your eyes... and feel the spirals my thumbs are drawing on your breasts. That's right, focus on those lovely spirals and let them pull you deeper, let them make you even more relaxed, and even more aroused...."
The spirals of my thumbs around her breasts continue, as my palms begin to squeeze the soft flesh gently. "If you weren't so deep for me, if you weren't so deliciously relaxed for your Mistress, the arousal would be achingly intense. But as it is, despite the arousal growing more.. and more... and more overwhelming, you are too relaxed for it to ache. Instead of aching you simply crave your Mistress' touch in whatever manner she decides to give it to you."
The soft massaging of my palms, the light touch of my thumbs, the caressing breath against her ear, my thighs against hers, my breasts and stomach pressed into her back... every touch that originates from me is pushing her further into intense arousal, the pleasure coiling in her core until, suddenly, I grab her nipples and pinch them with just the right amount of pressure, growling out an order into her ear. "Cum!"
Her breathing quickens and she cries out, her body arching against mine as she shakes and shudders, the intense orgasm washing over her until she relaxes into me again, whimpering and panting as I let her nipples go with a purr, stroking my hands over her breasts gently before moving them to her soft stomach, my fingertips all moving in circular spiral motions. "Such a good girl! Yes, there's such a wonderfully obedient and submissive kitten for me. Did that feel good, precious?"
It takes less time for her to answer now, and I know that her orgasm probably woke her up some from her depths of trance, and keep in mind to fix that lapse. "Nnnhh yessss Mistress."
"Good. Now, kitten, focus on my fingertips. There are ten wonderful touches, spiralling around, each circular motion taking you deeper and deeper and deeper, pulling you under under under into a wonderful trance. You are floating in a pool of arousal now, just gently floating as my touch begins to build up that wonderfully relaxed arousal once more. Each touch intensifying it. Even my breath and the sound of my voice, pulling you deeper, pushing you into higher levels of intense need and arousal. Floating in a sea of submission and obedience to Mistress alone. Just floating in pure bliss and happiness and relaxation... Feel my body against yours, feel my fingertips against your skin and focus on them, because they make you so deep, they make you feel so very good.. and this time, this time, when you orgasm for Mistress.. instead of waking you up it will take you deeper."
She gasps at that, and I smirk, pressing soft kisses up her neck to her ear before licking the edge of it again, my warm breath caressing the wet skin. "Yes, that's right. The harder you orgasm, the deeper you will go, and the more I touch you, the closer you get. You want to go even deeper don't you, kitten? So deep into trance, so highly aroused, so wonderfully enwrapped in complete bliss and ecstasy. So just focus on my touch, focus on feeling me take you deeper.. and deeper... and deeper."
Time does not exist, as we lay there. As I press soft kisses against her neck and shoulder, switching sides every so often. As my fingers continue to trace soft circular spirals against her stomach. As my tongue darts out to lick her skin, only to breathe hot air against the moist spot before moving along. Her breathing deepens, levels out, and it is only when it starts to become shallower again that time starts again.
When each breath is punctuated with a whimper. When she begins to gasp softly every time my lips touch her skin. When she can't help but make soft, breathy noises nearly constantly. And then, one of my hands moves to her breasts, squeezing it gently as my palm grinds against her nipple, as I order it again.
"Cum, kitten."
This time she is quieter, gasping and panting and whimpering and moaning as she arches against me, the orgasm seeming to last forever before she finally collapses into me, still panting and gasping, but with deep, slow breaths and I know.. I know that it worked.
"You do not have to speak, kitten, you may just use your head. Have you ever been this deep before?"
She shakes her head, whimpering delightfully. "Do you feel amazing?"
She nods her head with a moan, instinctively rubbing her body back against mine in a gesture that can't possibly be conscious, as far under as she is.
"Do you want more?"
She hesitates, as if unable to decide, and I speak again. "I want one more orgasm from you kitten. I won't force it, but-"
I don't even have to finish as she nods frantically, rubbing her body against mine again. I chuckle softly, immensely pleased with her eager response as I kiss her cheek softly, stilling her head. "Okay, precious, I get it. Such a wonderful kitten I have, mmm."
I shift some, settling back into the numerous pillows on my bed as both of my hands slide down her sides and to her hips, slipping under the elastic band of her underwear before pushing the soft cotton briefs down her thighs and off of her body, holding them in front of her. The fabric is light blue, everywhere except the crotch, which is dark with wetness and practically dripping with her juices. "Wow, kitten. Just look at how aroused you've become for me, love."
She whimpers softly, and I toss the panties into the laundry basket, one hand cupping a breast as the other cups her crotch. She gasps at that, and I gently begin to rub, fingertips brushing through her soft pubic hair, just barely touching her skin. My other hand is playing heatedly with her breast now, thumb and index finger teasing her nipple, palm squeezing and massaging the supple flesh as my last three fingers resume the circles to drag her even further for me.
It takes almost no time for her to be reduced to a panting, whimpering puddle in my arms, and I delight in how eager she is for my touch, her hips trying desperately to press into my fingers. Finally, I give her what she is asking for, and slide my middle finger into her wet folds, causing a hungry moan to escape her plump lips.
The noise is just what I want to hear, and I slide another finger in, making her gasp and whimper as I curve them upwards, and begin rubbing along inside of her, my fingers seeking deeper and deeper until finally they find what they are looking for.. and they press down gently. She nearly begins to writhe from the touch, and as my fingers slide in and out of her heat they rub and push against her sensitive spot, until all she is doing is panting and moaning and bucking her hips helplessly upwards.
This time I am going to torture her, though. "You may not cum until I order it, kitten. Is that understood? Until I give the order, you cannot orgasm, and every time you think you are right there it will slowly subside just a bit. I am going to take you into depths of ecstasy you have never felt before, and you will have the most intense, overwhelming, and satisfying orgasm of your life."
The only response she gives is a "Yes", barely understood throughout her heated moans and whimpers.
When an order like that works, it is poetry to see and feel. Watching as her body tenses up, wondering if, despite the order, she will not be able to handle it, seeing as she relaxes just when you fear she might go over.. and then making it start again.
I bring her to the edge five times, my thumb circling around her clit, my hand on her breast, massaging it as I pinch and pull and roll her nipple between my fingers, my fingers deftly sliding in and out of her wetness. The sixth time she nears however, I move my mouth to her ear, breathing against it softly as she tenses, and suddenly... "Cum."
The word is soft, whispered into her ear, and yet the reaction is immediate and explosive as she nearly screams, her entire body afire with pleasure. I don't stop my movements at all, determined to make this orgasm last, and it works, as my thumb rubs over her clit, my fingers press repeatedly against her spot, and she arches against me for over a minute, until I finally remove my hand from her crotch. Then, and only then, does the relaxation start, as she melds her body with mine, panting and gasping heavily.
"Awaken, kitten. Awaken. "
I want her to feel the lingering end of her orgasm while she is conscious, and she gives a loud, satisfied moan as the trigger does as intended, bringing her straight into consciousness. My hands stroke over her body softly as I turn to the side, helping her turn to face me. She immediately latches onto me, nuzzling into my shoulder, sighing happily as she presses her body to me, just like a limpet clinging to a rock.
"Welcome back, limpetkitten." She giggles at the familiar nickname, and nuzzles even closer.
"Did you have fun, precious?"
She looks up at me, her soft brown eyes shining with happiness, sending my heart into the heavens. "Oh yes, Mistress. Thank you so very much. kitten had so much fun..." She nuzzles under my chin with a happy sigh, before continuing, the deep submission she has experienced and is still experiencing reflecting itself in her words. "kitten loves Mistress so much.. Thank you so much Mistress."
I smile happily, nuzzling her back as my fingers stroke through her hair and down her back, petting her softly. "I love you too, kitten. Thank you for being such a good girl."
I feel her smile against my neck, and feel her blushing softly as she cuddles closer to me, aided by my own arm tightening around her, as we lay there, contently just enjoying each other and the bliss of the moment. Perfection.
Just in case it isn't clear, in this little bit of fiction kitten has been listening to a hypnosis recording I made for her and just finishing it as I enter the room. When spoken or written by me in a certain context, "Entrance" is a trigger that will, as it implies, pull her into a trance. It can also be used to triple her depth at the end of my recordings, and keep her from waking from a trance. We have actually been using this trigger for quite some time now.
Similarly, "Awaken" wakes her up; said once it awakens her into a light trance, said twice it awakens her completely. As with Entrance, we have been using this trigger for quite a while.
It should also be said that whilst in trance, kitten is not completely lacking any willpower of her own. If I ask her to do something she is not subconsciously open to doing, able to do, or wanting to do, she will not do it. Even if she is so deep she cannot manage to speak a single word.
Oh yeah, also, duh. This is fiction. And, just in case it wasn't already clear... This will get very NSFW, y'all.
---
As I walk into the bedroom, she is waiting for me. Eyes half open, earphones in her ears, her phone held loosely in one hand as she lays against the numerous pillows on the bed, lost in a world of my making. The moment I see her, deep and waiting for my touch, the rest of the room around me ceases to exist. There is no plush carpeting, for I walk on air. The black vanity and soft forest green lounge do not exist because they are not the bed.
As I touch the moss green canopy of my large bed she blinks, turning towards me. Upon seeing me she begins to awaken, but I immediately put a stop to that, sliding behind her and pulling her into my lap, biting her shoulder, then pulling out her earphones and whispering into her ear the trigger that will take her deeper, pull her under again faster, and leave her helpless to my will.
"Entrance."
Her body sags against mine, and I cannot help but purr, stroking one hand down her arm, my hand cupping hers as my thumb drags circles around her palm - circles and spirals being one of our time-tested ways of dragging her deeper and deeper and deeper. After I place her phone on the nightstand, I speak again, my voice soft and low from strictly controlled desire.
"Deeper, kitten. Let my touch take you deeper, let my voice take you deeper, go further than you have ever been into your wonderful state of blissful entrancement... How do you feel right now, precious?"
The answer is not immediate, as she struggles to gain her senses enough to speak. "Mnhh.. g-good, Mistress."
I pause, pleased with her response, as I lick over the edge of her ear, gently dragging my teeth over the skin before beginning to kiss softly down her neck. "Would kitten like Mistress to make her feel even better?"
Again, her answer is not immediate, but eventually words are whimpered out, between a soft panting gasp and a soft moan, the only things that outwardly show her arousal, although from experience I know that she must be soaked beyond belief. "Nnnyesss Mistress, please..."
Today is a day for her. I get much pleasure from having her in trance, so malleable to my will. But it must be said that there is not a lot of participating that kitten can manage, whilst in the deepest depths of trance. And to be frank that is fine with me. She is, for a time, helpless to my will, and the fact that she trusts me so while in that state is a thrill and delight, and I work hard to never make her trust misplaced.
That being said, today is still a day for her. I will not be focusing on pleasuring myself, but on bringing my kitten to new heights of pleasure she has yet to experience. Pushing the limits on what she can get pleasure from, and deepening the effectiveness of the trigger I have inset that allows her to cum on command.
"Arms up, kitten."
She does as told, and I pull her shirt off of her, tossing it into the laundry basket before unclasping her bra, sliding it from her body, and tossing it into the basket as well. Then I push her arms down to lay on my thighs as I gently lift her hips up, pushing her jeans down her hips before pulling them off fully. I leave her undwear on, after stroking her crotch softly to reassure myself of it's dampness. "Damp" does not even begin to cover how wet she is, and I smirk, moving my arms around her and pulling her closer to me as my hands cup her breasts softly.
My thumbs begin to spiral around her nipples as I hold her heavy breasts in my palms, and I begin to guide her with my voice again. "There's a good girl, precious. That's it. Relax into me... I know you are aroused beyond belief.. but it can go further, kitten. I want you to relax... and close your eyes... and feel the spirals my thumbs are drawing on your breasts. That's right, focus on those lovely spirals and let them pull you deeper, let them make you even more relaxed, and even more aroused...."
The spirals of my thumbs around her breasts continue, as my palms begin to squeeze the soft flesh gently. "If you weren't so deep for me, if you weren't so deliciously relaxed for your Mistress, the arousal would be achingly intense. But as it is, despite the arousal growing more.. and more... and more overwhelming, you are too relaxed for it to ache. Instead of aching you simply crave your Mistress' touch in whatever manner she decides to give it to you."
The soft massaging of my palms, the light touch of my thumbs, the caressing breath against her ear, my thighs against hers, my breasts and stomach pressed into her back... every touch that originates from me is pushing her further into intense arousal, the pleasure coiling in her core until, suddenly, I grab her nipples and pinch them with just the right amount of pressure, growling out an order into her ear. "Cum!"
Her breathing quickens and she cries out, her body arching against mine as she shakes and shudders, the intense orgasm washing over her until she relaxes into me again, whimpering and panting as I let her nipples go with a purr, stroking my hands over her breasts gently before moving them to her soft stomach, my fingertips all moving in circular spiral motions. "Such a good girl! Yes, there's such a wonderfully obedient and submissive kitten for me. Did that feel good, precious?"
It takes less time for her to answer now, and I know that her orgasm probably woke her up some from her depths of trance, and keep in mind to fix that lapse. "Nnnhh yessss Mistress."
"Good. Now, kitten, focus on my fingertips. There are ten wonderful touches, spiralling around, each circular motion taking you deeper and deeper and deeper, pulling you under under under into a wonderful trance. You are floating in a pool of arousal now, just gently floating as my touch begins to build up that wonderfully relaxed arousal once more. Each touch intensifying it. Even my breath and the sound of my voice, pulling you deeper, pushing you into higher levels of intense need and arousal. Floating in a sea of submission and obedience to Mistress alone. Just floating in pure bliss and happiness and relaxation... Feel my body against yours, feel my fingertips against your skin and focus on them, because they make you so deep, they make you feel so very good.. and this time, this time, when you orgasm for Mistress.. instead of waking you up it will take you deeper."
She gasps at that, and I smirk, pressing soft kisses up her neck to her ear before licking the edge of it again, my warm breath caressing the wet skin. "Yes, that's right. The harder you orgasm, the deeper you will go, and the more I touch you, the closer you get. You want to go even deeper don't you, kitten? So deep into trance, so highly aroused, so wonderfully enwrapped in complete bliss and ecstasy. So just focus on my touch, focus on feeling me take you deeper.. and deeper... and deeper."
Time does not exist, as we lay there. As I press soft kisses against her neck and shoulder, switching sides every so often. As my fingers continue to trace soft circular spirals against her stomach. As my tongue darts out to lick her skin, only to breathe hot air against the moist spot before moving along. Her breathing deepens, levels out, and it is only when it starts to become shallower again that time starts again.
When each breath is punctuated with a whimper. When she begins to gasp softly every time my lips touch her skin. When she can't help but make soft, breathy noises nearly constantly. And then, one of my hands moves to her breasts, squeezing it gently as my palm grinds against her nipple, as I order it again.
"Cum, kitten."
This time she is quieter, gasping and panting and whimpering and moaning as she arches against me, the orgasm seeming to last forever before she finally collapses into me, still panting and gasping, but with deep, slow breaths and I know.. I know that it worked.
"You do not have to speak, kitten, you may just use your head. Have you ever been this deep before?"
She shakes her head, whimpering delightfully. "Do you feel amazing?"
She nods her head with a moan, instinctively rubbing her body back against mine in a gesture that can't possibly be conscious, as far under as she is.
"Do you want more?"
She hesitates, as if unable to decide, and I speak again. "I want one more orgasm from you kitten. I won't force it, but-"
I don't even have to finish as she nods frantically, rubbing her body against mine again. I chuckle softly, immensely pleased with her eager response as I kiss her cheek softly, stilling her head. "Okay, precious, I get it. Such a wonderful kitten I have, mmm."
I shift some, settling back into the numerous pillows on my bed as both of my hands slide down her sides and to her hips, slipping under the elastic band of her underwear before pushing the soft cotton briefs down her thighs and off of her body, holding them in front of her. The fabric is light blue, everywhere except the crotch, which is dark with wetness and practically dripping with her juices. "Wow, kitten. Just look at how aroused you've become for me, love."
She whimpers softly, and I toss the panties into the laundry basket, one hand cupping a breast as the other cups her crotch. She gasps at that, and I gently begin to rub, fingertips brushing through her soft pubic hair, just barely touching her skin. My other hand is playing heatedly with her breast now, thumb and index finger teasing her nipple, palm squeezing and massaging the supple flesh as my last three fingers resume the circles to drag her even further for me.
It takes almost no time for her to be reduced to a panting, whimpering puddle in my arms, and I delight in how eager she is for my touch, her hips trying desperately to press into my fingers. Finally, I give her what she is asking for, and slide my middle finger into her wet folds, causing a hungry moan to escape her plump lips.
The noise is just what I want to hear, and I slide another finger in, making her gasp and whimper as I curve them upwards, and begin rubbing along inside of her, my fingers seeking deeper and deeper until finally they find what they are looking for.. and they press down gently. She nearly begins to writhe from the touch, and as my fingers slide in and out of her heat they rub and push against her sensitive spot, until all she is doing is panting and moaning and bucking her hips helplessly upwards.
This time I am going to torture her, though. "You may not cum until I order it, kitten. Is that understood? Until I give the order, you cannot orgasm, and every time you think you are right there it will slowly subside just a bit. I am going to take you into depths of ecstasy you have never felt before, and you will have the most intense, overwhelming, and satisfying orgasm of your life."
The only response she gives is a "Yes", barely understood throughout her heated moans and whimpers.
When an order like that works, it is poetry to see and feel. Watching as her body tenses up, wondering if, despite the order, she will not be able to handle it, seeing as she relaxes just when you fear she might go over.. and then making it start again.
I bring her to the edge five times, my thumb circling around her clit, my hand on her breast, massaging it as I pinch and pull and roll her nipple between my fingers, my fingers deftly sliding in and out of her wetness. The sixth time she nears however, I move my mouth to her ear, breathing against it softly as she tenses, and suddenly... "Cum."
The word is soft, whispered into her ear, and yet the reaction is immediate and explosive as she nearly screams, her entire body afire with pleasure. I don't stop my movements at all, determined to make this orgasm last, and it works, as my thumb rubs over her clit, my fingers press repeatedly against her spot, and she arches against me for over a minute, until I finally remove my hand from her crotch. Then, and only then, does the relaxation start, as she melds her body with mine, panting and gasping heavily.
"Awaken, kitten. Awaken. "
I want her to feel the lingering end of her orgasm while she is conscious, and she gives a loud, satisfied moan as the trigger does as intended, bringing her straight into consciousness. My hands stroke over her body softly as I turn to the side, helping her turn to face me. She immediately latches onto me, nuzzling into my shoulder, sighing happily as she presses her body to me, just like a limpet clinging to a rock.
"Welcome back, limpetkitten." She giggles at the familiar nickname, and nuzzles even closer.
"Did you have fun, precious?"
She looks up at me, her soft brown eyes shining with happiness, sending my heart into the heavens. "Oh yes, Mistress. Thank you so very much. kitten had so much fun..." She nuzzles under my chin with a happy sigh, before continuing, the deep submission she has experienced and is still experiencing reflecting itself in her words. "kitten loves Mistress so much.. Thank you so much Mistress."
I smile happily, nuzzling her back as my fingers stroke through her hair and down her back, petting her softly. "I love you too, kitten. Thank you for being such a good girl."
I feel her smile against my neck, and feel her blushing softly as she cuddles closer to me, aided by my own arm tightening around her, as we lay there, contently just enjoying each other and the bliss of the moment. Perfection.
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